I was frozen...my body stock still after hearing those four words come out of Vee's mouth, the impact of them leaving me breathless, every inhale and exhale a struggle.

Grandma Way just died.

I looked at her, trying to find some response to what she'd just said but nothing came out. My mind had stopped working; I couldn't form a coherent sentence...everything around me becoming a blur. She was looking at me, still crying but strangely enough, no tears of my own would come. It was like I had exhausted myself of the action over the past few days of venting my own anger and frustration.

I almost couldn't believe it.

Vee began talking again, I could just about make out her movement towards me, but I had zoned out nearly completely, trying to let the information set in my mind.

She was dead.

Gone.

It was like deja vu...like last Christmas when my world had come tumbling down, only this time, it wasn't truly my heart that was breaking. It was Mikey's...and Gerard's.

“Dakota?” She said, her voice eventually pulling me out of my daze.

“Huh?” I said, turning to look at her.

“Mikey said he needs you to go over to his.” She repeated, touching my shoulder.

“Why do I need-?”

“I don't know.” She sighed. “He just really needs you to go over there now.”

“Erm...yeah...sure...I-”

“I can see if my dad can give you a lift?” She offered, wiping away at her smudged mascara.

“Not it's fine...it's not too far.”

“Okay well...call me later and tell me how he is, okay?”

I promised her I would as a began collecting my things from her room and then I was gone. As soon as I left Vee's, I took off running as fast as I could back home and to Mikey. I don't know what came over me, this burst of energy but Mikey had said he needed me and I wasn't going to let him down, I couldn't...not after everything he'd done for me. The kindness he showed to me when I first arrived, his need to include me in his life and with the guys.

He didn't deserve this.

He was my friend.

And it was my turn to look out for him.

The first thought that crossed my mind was, of course, why had Mikey specifically asked me to come over?... but when you're in a state of grief not a lot makes sense. It's like whatever you thought you knew and understood was a sudden lie...life throwing it's cruel tricks towards you. I hated it. I hated everything about this life. It was always the people who didn't deserve it the most that get treated the worst.

When I eventually jogged up their path, not knowing how long I'd ran for, I was breathless.

Trying to regain some composure, I knocked hesitantly on the door and as soon as my knuckles left the wood, the door flew open to reveal an exhausted, red-eyed looking Mikey. I smiled at him and he smiled back, but it never reached his eyes. His lower lip was jut out as though he were trying to control whatever emotions he could.

Without saying a word, I stepped in and brought him into a tight hug. He didn't waste time in reciprocating.

“I'm so sorry Mikey.” I said, bringing him in tighter.

“Yeah. Me too.” He sighed, patting my back. I pulled away from him, leaving my hands on his shoulders to get a good look at him. He was exhausted...that was the best word to describe him. He had no colour and he was slightly slouched.

“At least...she's not suffering now...” I said softly, not entirely sure of what else to say. It was one of the worst things to say and I hated everyone who had said it to me when my Grandfather died but my brain was still trying to process the information.

“It was a long time coming.” He shrugged, shifting his glasses so he could wipe away the tears. “Ma and Grandma tried to hide how bad it was from me and Gee but...I don't know...deep down I knew...it was the end. So did Gerard.”

“I can understand that.” I offered as I removed my coat.

“It sucks...” I nodded, following him further into the house after shutting the front door and taking off my shoes. It felt like forever since I'd been here. “Thanks for coming.” He continued, leading me further into the house.

“Of course...Mikey...anything you need...you just have to ask.” I said, stopping just behind him as he turned to face me.

“Thanks, Dakota. That means a lot.” He smiled. He then turned his attention to the door beside us and then back to me, almost looking sheepish. I raised an eyebrow in question as I looked between him and the door.

“Gerard's down there.”

Oh.

Gerard...

I hadn't even thought about how I was going to talk to him about all this this...if he wanted me to talk to him...

“Gerard...” I said looking at the door.

“Yup...” Mikey replied.

“How...how is he?” I asked. Mikey was silent and as I turned, he gave me a look which meant that was one of the most ludicrous things he'd ever heard come out of my mouth. I shrugged apologetically.

“He wouldn't listen to anyone...he just kept...breaking things and I...I thought you could calm him down?” He said, more like a question.

“Mikey...I don't know...”

“Please?” He asked, his voice sounding raw.

“Mikey...the last time we talked, we fought...and I don't...”

“I know...he told me.”

Great.

“Of course he did.” I murmured.

“He made me promise not to talk to you about it.”

“It's fine...but I don't think he'll want me near him.” He shook his head, placing his hand on my shoulder.

“Trust me...and...please...just talk to him...”

After Mikey walked away, I realised that I was terrified. I couldn't pin point exactly why I was so scared but...the thought of Gerard...hurt...lost, I think scared me the most.

Would I be able to pull him from the darkness?

I didn't know why I was making such a fuss about it. I'd wanted to speak to him, Vee had made that abundantly clear but now that I had the chance to...I didn't know if I could do it.

Just breathe.

I turned towards the door, placing my hand on the handle and pushed my way in gently. It was dark, as per usual and my heart was wildly racing against my chest, the thought of being close to Gerard almost all consuming.

There were two ways this could go down. Either, Gerard could take one look at me and tell me to bugger off straight away or...he would welcome the company. I wasn't quite sure which one I was more afraid of.

With each step I took, I was almost waiting for him to start shouting but everything was silent. Like I'd seen him once before, his back was to me; he was hunched over, head in his hands with the room wrecked all around him. One of the chairs had flipped over, nearly all his artwork ripped and thrown across the room and a lamp was smashed in the corner.

My heart broke all over again.

I took the last step which brought me off the stairs and for a few minutes I stood awkwardly, thinking of a good sentence to start with and all the while, Gerard never noticed that I was here in the room with him.

I eventually decided that simple was the best approach. Say something to just grab his attention slightly...so of course, the only thing I could think of in that moment was Gerard's name.

Breathe.

“Gerard?” I half whispered into the darkness. It was then I could start making things out more clearly, my eyes adjusting to the dark. I saw his head lift from his hands but he didn't turn to face me. He was so quiet...I couldn't even hear him breathe...

“What are you doing here?” He asked, his voice croaked. He didn't ask me maliciously but almost in disbelief and I couldn't help the twinge in my heart to the sound of his voice.

Pathetic Dakota, get a hold of yourself.

“I just heard...Gerard...” I began, taking a step towards him but he stood suddenly and turned to face me, stopping me in my tracks.

“Don't.” He said. “I don't want your pity.” he continued, staring at the ground

“I'm not-” I began but he cut me off.

“I mean it Dakota.” I could hear the frustration in his voice as his eyes still avoided mine.

Could he really not bare to see me?

“Gerard, please...”

“You should go.”

If this were five months ago from when we first met, I would have gladly ran away but although we'd fought, he would have never left me alone in this state. He was my rock and I'd let that go. I couldn't leave him now. Not while I was here and had some kind of confidence to stay.

“Go away.” I murmured, wrapping my arms tighter around myself. I eventually saw his tattered sneakers come into view and his face close to mine as he bent down.

“Hey...” He cooed, attempting to brush away a piece of hair that had stuck to my cheek. I moved my head away from his touch, my cheek beginning to throb. I knew she hadn't hit me hard enough to leave a bruise but it was still store. “Dakota...”

“Please Gerard, just leave me alone.” I croaked. He placed his hands on my thighs, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles on my knees but I didn't have the strength to push him away.

“Not at this time I won't. Even if it was broad daylight I wouldn't leave you alone. Not like this.” He spoke, his voice soft, comforting but I still tried to force him away. I couldn't...I needed to be alone.

No.

“No.” I said, walking towards him again, my voice not sounding like my own.

“I need you to leave.” He said as his hands dropped to his sides, forming into fists of frustration.

“I won't leave you alone...not like this.” I replied, repeating the words he'd said to me so many times before. I gestured to the room around, almost as though that were enough to plead my case. He growled in frustration then, causing me to jump, as he turned to throw something against the wall. I couldn't make out what it was, it happened so fast, but I kept telling myself that he wouldn't hurt me.

He was just in pain.

I needed to be here.

“Why aren't you listening?” He shouted, now, finally looking directly at me. “I don't want you here.”

Again, if he'd said those words to me months before, I probably would've broken down crying but I begged that my gut feeling was right and that it was just his grief talking. I put my hands up, almost in surrender.

“I'm just doing what you would've done.” I laughed humourlessly. “Remember?”

“That was months ago.” He spat before sitting back onto the bed with a thud. “Things are a little different now, don't you think?

Yes...they were different. When he first told me he would never leave me alone in the state I was in...I didn't know that I was going to fall for him. I didn't know that we would have shared all those wonderful memories together but we did...he was so adamant that we would be friends and that he would make me feel safe...

No matter the pain I felt...it was my turn to make him feel safe.

“I didn't mean what I said before, Gerard.” I began taking another step towards him. “You...you are...one of the best things that has happened in my life.” He scoffed, running a hand through his hair, closing his eyes, clenching on to it as a way to keep whatever else there was at bay.

“I was selfish...a brat...” I continued. “Just like you said...I was a terrible...friend to you...and...I'm sorry...” He began to shake his head but I continued, now in touching distance of him. “I was the worst...I didn't think about what you might've been going through...I...-”

His eyes eventually opened and my heart burst as he looked up a me, my train of thought lost. It looked at though he hadn't slept in weeks. They were glistening with unshed tears, his nose slightly pink. I hesitantly reached out and held onto one of his hands with both of my own, gently squeezing it as I knelt down in front of him.

“This is awful...you don't deserve any of this pain that you're going through...I can't tell you how sorry I am...” He was still looking at me, not saying a word. I was expecting him by now to push me away, swear, even tell me how much he hated me but he did none of those things which gave another burst of confidence.

"He would've done the same..." I told myself.

I reached to touch his cheek as his eyes bore into mine. I caressed the side of his face with my thumb, just as a tear fell. He closed his eyes and leant into my touch. He still remained quiet, his body deflating more than I thought it could.

He was lost.

“I'm here Gerard...and no matter what we've fought about...I forgive you...” I continued, using my hand to brush away his fringe from his eyes. “I hope you can forgive me...but...if you really want me to go...”

Suddenly his body awoken and he reached out to wrap his arms around my waist, bringing me close to him as he buried his head into my neck. I was taken back with the action, my hands left in mid air, waiting for him to say something.

“Stay.” He whispered and then the barriers he once had fell and he sobbed, his body shaking violently as I tried to comfort him. My own barriers fell and I cried with him. I didn't know what to do so I did all I could...I held him.

He was seeking his comfort from me.

“I'm here.” I said and that was all that there was to say. After everything, this is what I think we both needed. To know that we were there...even if we were just friends...I didn't care anymore...I was just glad to be back with him.

I didn't know how long we stayed in that position but I could feel my knees began to ache. I shifted and Gerard pulled back, suddenly looking at me with concern. I smiled at him and he tried to give one back.

“Are you tired?” I asked, removing his hands from my waist to grip them in both of my own.

“Exhausted.” He whispered, shutting his eyes again.

“Come on then.” I pulled him to his feet, and he looked at me questioningly but never said a word. I held onto his hand as I led him upstairs and through the house to his room. I didn't know where his room was considering, I'd only ever been in Mikey's but I allowed him to lead the rest of the way. When we were in the doorway, I told him to lie down and that I'd be back soon, thinking to make him a coffee...or a hot chocolate.

I turned away after seeing him curl up on his side under his checkered blanket and made my way back downstairs. I was surprised, when I got there, to find Vee and Frank sitting at the kitchen table with Mikey.

“Hey...” I smiled, walking over towards the kettle.

“Hey to you too.” Frank said, coming over to give me a hug.

“You guys want hot chocolate?” I asked and they all agreed happily. As I began to get to work, Mikey spoke.

“How is he?”

“He's in bed at the moment...he's exhausted...as are you.” Mikey nodded, as Frank took his seat again beside him.

“How badly did he break stuff?” Frank said.

“Frank...” Vee sighed.

“What?” He replied, looking as innocent as he could. Mikey smiled and shrugged.

“It's okay...It was more his own stuff...”Mikey answered. “I hope he doesn't regret breaking some of his artwork down there...maybe I should go see him...”

“Don't worry about him.” Vee interjected. “Dakota's on it.” She gave me a small smile and winked. I rolled my eyes as I waited for the kettle to boil.

So inappropriate...that was Vee.

“He just needs to sleep I think...when I found out my grandad died...sleep was the best medicine.” I offered to which Mikey smiled in relief.

“Good...I don't think he's slept properly for a long time.”

“Have you spoken to your mom?” Vee asked as she got up to help me finish the hot chocolates.

“She's still trying to sort stuff out...I asked if she wanted me to help but she didn't want me to be around for all that...”

“Do you know when she'll back?” Vee asked. Mikey shook his head. “Do you want us to stay over?”

“You guys don't have to-” Mikey began but Frank jumped in, wrapping an arm around his shoulder.

“If you want us here, we're here Mikes.” He grinned.

“If you guys wouldn't mind...?” He began shyly to which the rest of us laughed. Even when he was in his own state of grief, he still tried to make sure that everyone was okay. He was the sweetest human being.

“We'll just crash on the couch...your mom wouldn't mind?”

“No...I think she'll be happier to have people around...so she doesn't have to think too much.”

After finishing up the hot chocolates and speaking quietly to one another, the guys decided they were going to go into the living to watch a film. I declined, thinking it was time I went to check on Gerard.

“I'm just going up to give Gerard his hot chocolate.” I said, picking up the drink carefully.

“Okay...” Mikey smiled. “Thanks Dakota.”

As I made my way up the stairs, cautious to not spill any, I'd hoped that when I went into his room, he'd be sleeping...god knows he needed it, but as I entered, I could see he'd moved onto his back and was staring up the ceiling, deep in thought. I knocked on the door gently, which caused him to jump, but he smiled, only a little, at seeing it was only me.

“Hey...” I said as I entered the room. “I don't really know if you like hot chocolate but...I made you some anyway."

“Thanks.” He said as I set it beside him. “Is Mikey okay?”

“Yeah, the guys are with him...I think they're gonna stay over.” He nodded, resting his forearm back against his forehead.

“Is he mad at me?”

“No.” I answered instantly. He side eyed me and laughed humourlessly.

“He should be.”

“Well he's not...your being too hard on yourself.” I said, sitting on the bed beside him. “We all deal with grief differently...”

“Look at you becoming the mini Meryl.”He smirked.

“I know...I should open up my own group therapy.” I answered to which he chuckled. I was relieved I'd made him smile.

“Thank you.” He said softly, taking one of my hands.

“You said that already.”

“I mean it.”

“I know.”

We smiled at each other and my stomach started twisting into knots. The effect Gerard could have on me sometimes was ridiculous and I felt awful that I was thinking about him like that when his grandma had just died.

“I'm sorry too...for what I said...I didn't mean it Dakota-” I shook my head, squeezing his hand.

“It's fine.”

“It's not.” He replied, his voice low. “There was no excuse for what I said.”

“Gerard really...there a more important things now than you hurting my feelings.”

“I didn't want to hurt you.”

“I didn't want to hurt you.” I repeated.

“I'm sorry-”

“Now it's my turn to tell you to stop apologising.” I laughed.

“You're putting it in a much nicer way than I did.”

“I know.” I laughed again. “We're both sorry lets...lets just leave it at that, okay?”

“Okay.” He smiled, rubbing one of his eyes.

“Right...I think it's time for a nap.” I said, standing from my place and letting go of his hand.

“You don't have to go-” He began, reaching out for my hand.

“Are you sure?” This time he laughed.

“You were the one trying to convince to me let you stay...are you backing out?”

“Of course not...I...I was gonna put some music on...if you want that?” I asked remembering how he once said he found it easier to sleep listening to music.

“Just press play...I think there's a tape in there.”

I moved away from him to walk over to his sound system. Finding the play button was easy enough but trying to figure out which song it was was a different matter. I'd never heard of it before.

“What is this?” I asked moving back towards the bed.

“It doesn't matter.” He smiled after taking a sip from the hot chocolate.

“It's slow...” I commented. “You don't normally like...slow songs.”

“I have a few surprises left up my sleeve...now come on...you told me it was nap time.” I smiled, shaking my head as he patted the place beside him. I climbed onto the bed, over him and into the corner, turning instantly towards him as he pulled the blanket up over us, turning off his bedside light.

'You saw my pain washed out in the rain

Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins

But you saw no fault, no cracks in my heart

And you knelt beside my hope torn apart

But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view

We'll live a long life'

He reached over to grasp onto one of my wrists, pulling me closer to him. We both lay on our sides, the only light coming into the room being from the hallway, the door open ajar. He placed his hand on my waist, resting his forehead against mine.

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light

'Cause oh that gave me such a fright

But I will hold as long as you like

Just promise me we'll be alright

He sighed softly as I curled one of my hands behind his back, trying to keep up as close together as possible...the feeling of Gerard all consuming and familiar.

So lead me back, turn south from that place

And close my eyes to my recent disgrace

'Cause you know my call

And we'll share my all

And our children come and they will hear me roar

I could feel the grip he once had on my waist soften, his breaths becoming deeper. I was relieved, especially if he was drifting off. I tried my best to not move at all, I didn't want the possibility of waking him.
But hold me still, bury my heart on the coals

And hold me still, bury my heart next to yours

So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light

'Cause oh that gave me such a fright

But I will hold on as long as you like

Just promise me we'll be alright

The song, as I could feel, was drawing to it's end and eventually Gerard was completely unconscious. Another bout of relief washed over me.

But the ghosts that we knew

Will flicker from view

And we'll live a long life.

I'd hoped that now he would let me in and keep me there. I didn't want the idea that Gerard couldn't come to me about things, as he'd thought so many times before, to be a reoccurring issue. He could be mad about...pencils for all I cared...I just wanted him to now feel as comfortable as he did...right here...with me.

Always.

Notes

LOOONG Chapter guys. Thank you so much for the enthusiasm to this story. The song that Dakota and Gerard are listening to is - 'Ghosts that we knew' by mumford and sons.

I hope you guys enjoy it