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Give Me Hope In The Darkness

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I was lying on Vee's bed, finally feeling somewhat relaxed, my feet against her head board, when she decided to ramble on about her and her wonderful Derek...again. I was beginning to have the same reaction as Frank did to the mention of Derek.

Don't get me wrong, Derek is a really great guy and I'm over the moon for her but it was all she talked about recently when it was just us two. She had enlightened me into the fact that they spent near every waking moment together since they became official two weeks ago and that she was no longer a virgin.

A fact that she'd spared me no details...no matter how much I begged...and no matter how many times she'd told me.

“Honestly Dakota, I never thought this would happen to me!” She smiled, jumping onto the bed next to me, her shoulder bashing mine forcefully. I turned to her rubbing my shoulder with emphasis as she smiled lazily up at the ceiling, almost without a care in the world.

I wish I had her attitude.

“He was so gentle...” She continued. “So kind...I think I fell in love with him all over again!”

“Hmm.” I replied, crossing my fingers on top of my stomach. “I think you mentioned that.”

“Did I tell you that he lit candles? Roses? Played my favourite song...our song?” She sighed, stretching until she heard a pop in her back.

“Yup.” I murmured, closing my eyes. “That too.”

“Hey!” She complained suddenly, smacking my arm. My eyes shot open and I glared at her.

“What was that for?”

“Why aren't you excited for me?” She pouted, leaning back on her elbows.

“I am Vee...truly...” I sighed. “...but this is the fifth time you've told me you lost your virginity to Derek and that was a week ago. You've also told me about your second and third time...” I grumbled, shuffling further into the mattress.

“So?” She pushed. I shrugged dramatically in response. “Dakota-”

“It doesn't matter Vee. I am happy for you.” I replied quietly, looking at her with a soft smile.

“You're a shit liar.” She laughed, flopping down onto the mattress again.

“I'm not lying!” I exclaimed.

“Of course you are...you were probably happy for me the first time I told...but I guess it's old news, right?” She continued, picking at the hem of her shirt. “I just...I can't believe a guy liked me enough to...you know...”

“I get it...but why wouldn't he? You're awesome Vee. I'm happy your happy.” She turned to look at me and beamed a bright smile.

“Thanks.”

There was then a silence between us, as we listened to Fleetwood Mac blare about her room. I of course was thinking about Gerard and everything I'd lost with him while no doubt Vee was thinking about Derek. It was nice that Vee and I could just exist in each other's company however she did enjoy breaking silences.

She'd claimed it was one of her many talents.

“I still can't believe what Mikey's going through though.” She eventually said, the silence lasting all but two and a half minutes.

“I know...” I sighed. “It's horrible. I feel awful for him.”

“I never knew my grandparents.” She continued. “They died before I was born so...I guess it was like I was spared that loss...you know?” I nodded. “Do you think she'll be okay though?”

“I hope so Vee.”

And I did. She was one of the loveliest people I'd ever met and for the sake of Gerard and Mikey, I wished with everything I could that she would pull through and get better. I knew how hard it was to loose someone who was your rock and I didn't wish it even on my worst enemy. She was a strong woman, admirably so, and from what Gerard had told me, she'd made his life a hell of a lot easier.

She was Gerard's rock.

“So...” Vee began again, her tone slightly lighter as her fingers tapped against her stomach. “How have you been?”

“Fine.” I replied automatically.

“Fine...” She sighed. “That word again.”

Removing my eyes from the ceiling, I turned my head to face her. “What?”

Sighing again, she moved to sit upright. I followed her and grabbed one of her pillows to place in my lap. I could already tell she was about to start a conversation I didn't want to have.

“Look Dee, that's the only word you've used for days now...I know you better than you think.” She said, pushing my shoulder softly, her smile hesitant.

Friends?” He nodded.

“You'll get bored of me.”

“I highly doubt that.”

“I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into.” I warned.

“We're both as fucked up as each other, right?” He smiled.

“Yeah, but-”

“I know you a lot better than you think I do.”

“That's what everyone seems to say recently.” I murmured. I really wasn't good at hiding my emotions anymore it would seem...not since Gerard.

“It's true...you try and hide but...since you know...you told us about group-”

“I don't want you to treat me any differently Vee-” I said, almost defensively.

“I'm not!” She said quickly, cutting me off. “It's just I worry because...I class you as my best friend.” She shrugged sheepishly. “I can tell you damn near everything and you never judge me.”

Best friend?

Me?

“The guys don't judge you Vee.”

“I know they don't but...you understand more...I think. You don't make me feel like an idiot when I talk...especially about Derek.” To the mere mention of his name she couldn't seem to contain the grin that spread across her face.

“You're not an idiot, that's why.” I smiled back. “You're very important to me too Vee.”

“We're getting soppy now.” She laughed, throwing a pillow at me and I retaliated by throwing back one back. “But...seriously...I want you to know, you can talk to me about anything...and I mean anything.

“Thank you.” She was then looking at me expectantly and I laughed. “What?”

“You...you...er...you haven't spoken about Gerard since the night at the pub.” My once slightly lifted mood had dropped and whatever remnant of a smile I had on my face was lost. I looked down, picking up the pillow again and began to play with the hem.

“I know.”

“Well...?”

“Well what?”

“Well...something bad obviously happened afterwards between you two. You both avoid coming out with us when we say that either one of you are going to be there.” I shrugged. “Are you going to tell me?”

“He doesn't want to see me Vee.”

“That's stupid!” She remarked. “Of course he does-”

“He doesn't-”

“Did he say it?” I paused.

“Well not exactly...”

“There you go! He didn't say he never wanted to see you I mean...maybe he was really freaked about you nearly kissing him...he's a guy so, I don't know but...he really liked you Dakota.” She rambled, smiling encouragingly at me.

I was going to break that bubble.

“I told him I'd wished I'd never met him.” She looked at me, wide eyed, her mouth a gape.

“Romantically?”

“How do you say that romantically?” I chuckled humourlessly.

“Well, in what context did you say that?” I breathed in deeply, debating whether or not to gouge in the details. She was looking at me, almost excitedly, like she'd managed to break one of my barriers. Like Gerard, I felt safe talking to Vee. I knew she wouldn't tell the guys if I told her not to...and she knew what Gerard was like.

What the hell.

“Well...” I began and then suddenly, everything came pouring out of me. I had no filter. It was my turn to ramble to her.

I told her everything that happened after the pub and how he then truly began to ignore me and how my heart broke. I even went back to our first coffee shop trip and the horrible night out at the pub, which in itself she found shocking but she finally understood why I'd acted the way I did when she saw me and Gerard the next day. She listened attentively, nodding for me to continue when I'd taken a pause.

“Remember when I disappeared for a bit after school?”

“When Monica hit you? Yeah...”

“Well...I was at the cafe...and then Gerard turned up. He was furious with me and for the life of me I couldn't understand why he cared, if he ignored me for weeks.”

“He's a guy.” She shrugged dismissively. “Then what happened?”

“We got into a fight in the parking lot after I tried to walk away from him. God Vee...I was so pathetic...after he'd told me he wasn't going to leave, he just disappeared and...well...it never occurred to me to even think about what he might be going through.” I sighed.

“Did he tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“About Grandma Way?”

“No! I found out from Mikey afterwards why he was acting the way he was...”

“But...his actions don't exactly link to Grandma Way.” She pointed out. “Why would he ignore you and not the rest of us if he were upset about her? I mean...it doesn't make much sense.”

“I probably didn't help matters.” I suggested.

“What do you mean?”

“I don't know. He made me try and tell him everything but he rarely ever told me anything...maybe my problems were too much for him...I don't know. I told him he didn't need that kinda shit in his life.”

“You're as bad as each other.” She chuckled. “But...what made you say you'd wished you'd never met?” I cleared my throat, staring sheepishly at her.

“Well...he called me selfish...a spoilt brat and that maybe his first observations of me weren't that far off...”

“What?” She shouted, holding onto my wrist. “You mean when he referred to you as Monica?” I nodded glumly. “He shouldn't of said that...”

“He tried to say that it wasn't what he meant but...Vee, he was so sincere. It felt like he'd punched me in the chest.”

“Huh...” She said, squinting her eyes at me.

“And then on Friday, I saw him outside his house and...he looked at me but it felt like he couldn't get away from me quick enough.”

“Maybe he thought you didn't want to see him...you know...after what you said.”

“I know...I feel awful.” I groaned, running a hand through my hair.

“Hmmph.” she responded after a moment.

“What?”

“You've got it bad for him...I thought you liked him...I didn't know you were in love with him-”

“Vee, wait-”

“You so are.” She smiled softly. I knew I was in love with him but I didn't want it to be a known thing...I felt pathetic enough allowing myself to fall for someone who could never have the same feelings for me. “It's okay.”

“It's not.” I groaned again, placing my head into my hands as my tears of frustration began. First my dad, now Vee. I don't think I'd cried in front of people this much in forever. It made me feel even worse. “It's not okay I mean...I don't know.”

“Do you miss him?” She asked, handing me a tissue from her bedside table.

“Yeah...” I croaked.

“Do you forgive him for what he said?”

“He had a lot going on...” I excused.

“Well go and talk to him.”

“I can't...”

“Why the hell not?” She protested. “You both said really shitty things when you were both upset. People do that. Normally people apologise and move on with their lives...but you and Gerard are just stubborn. That's why you got on so well...you get each other. Don't let this ruin your...friendship or whatever you want to call it.” She said encouragingly. “Talk to him.”

Just as I was about to answer, Vee's dad shouted up to us, letting Vee know she had a phone call. She looked at me and smiled. “Don't move...we've gotta talk more about this.”

And with that, she jumped off the bed and raced through the door and then I was left alone. I flopped back onto the bed and threw my arms over my head. I couldn't believe I'd just explained the entirety of the problem with Gerard to Vee. She knew bits and pieces but I'd ended up recollecting nearly everything we'd said and done together and why what happened meant he didn't want to see me. I guess I'd needed to vent it for quite some time. Of course, there were things I'd left out, such as him sleeping over at mine and the birthday surprise and the fact that he had kissed me before...even though it was to shut me up, according to him...I wanted to keep some things for myself...

Maybe Vee was right?...maybe I did just need to talk to him? I missed him but the question was...did he miss me? He'd gone back to his old ways before he'd met me and of course with Grandma Way he had more important things to worry about...but...like he'd promised me...I wanted to look after him. My mother was over the moon about the fact I wasn't hanging around Gerard and my father scalded her for it after we'd had our talk...It felt like my mom was the only one happy about this misery.

When Vee entered the room again, I was expecting her to jump straight back into place and demand to know what I was going to do next, but as I looked at her, I could see she was crying.

“Vee? What's wrong?”

“That was Mikey on the phone...” She sniffled.

“Grandma Way just died.”



Notes

New Chapter guys...:'(

Comments

I’ve read this story for the second time now. Absolutely in love. The writing and thought that’s gone into it are amazing. Truly.

cKayE cKayE
3/23/19

I love this story sooooo much

way_to_go_lad way_to_go_lad
1/3/19

So glad more chapters are coming! I love this sooo much

Just wanted to say that I'm absolutely in love with this story, it's one that I always come back to no matter what. The writing is amazing and I really do hope you come back and update sometime because I have fallen in love with this book and your writing!!

Kelc17 Kelc17
6/21/18

Please update soonf! xx

action.cat action.cat
4/4/18