Give Me Hope In The Darkness

Everything I did for the next week seemed like a complete and utter task.

At school, the guys would try and get me to invest my attention into their conversations but I just couldn't. I didn't have the strength to even pretend that I was okay and they were starting to see that.

Since the guys found out I was at group, after I felt the need to explain to them what was going on, they knew to just leave me to my own devices however they stayed as close to me as possible. It was sweet of them really but I felt guilty every time I was with them.

Deep down I knew they were my friends but in my mind, constantly, it was saying that they only pitied me and that I was taking them for granted.

I did regret it, making friends here, but I didn't regret meeting these wonderful people. Without them knowing, they had helped me but every time I was with them all I could think of was one person...Gerard and how everything had become a complete shit storm.

All the while, while I was angry at him for what he'd said and done, I felt even more guilty and angry at myself. I was always feeling guilty. Gerard had said he was going through a tough time and as soon as he'd said that, I wanted to comfort him but then he cut me in half.

I sound so pathetic, don't I? Poor little Dakota.

Yesterday, the guys and I found out that the way Gerard was acting, was because of Grandma Way. Mikey had told us that she'd gone into hospital and that the doctors weren't entirely sure of what was going on which was starting to take it's toll on Mikey.

“It's almost like they shouldn't even be qualified doctors if they don't know what to do!” He'd exclaimed. “It ridiculous.”

I knew exactly how he felt. I'd said the exact same thing when my grandfather was in the hospital.

“Gerard's being a complete and utter dick. All he does is get drunk and sleep around unless he's not visiting her.” He'd continued. “At this moment in time...I hate him.”

Guilt.

That word again.

That was the overwhelming, crushing sensation I felt on my chest when Mikey had said these things.

I was so preoccupied with that fact Gerard was ignoring me that I hadn't even thought to think that maybe he was going through something but he never told me! He never told me anything so how was I supposed to know something awful was happening? I would've understood if he's just told me instead of picking up girls in front of me, avoiding me and getting drunk all the time.

I was torn. I wanted to go to him but he made it clear what he thought of me.

It was better off this way. I would make Gerard more stressed and...it's just better of this way.

Instead of going over to Gerard and Mikey's, as we used to, we spent most of our time either at Vee or Franks. When I wasn't wallowing in self pity, the guys and I would try and keep Mikey's mind active, taking him bowling, to the mall and the cinema after he'd told us about his Grandma for the rest of the week. We'd even managed to get served by Mark in the pub once.

I spent most of my nights at Vee's as well. I was too scared to run into Gerard.

But of course, luck doesn't seem to run in my family.

I was walking home from school on Friday when I saw him walk outside his house and towards his car, his expression sullen and worn. My heart unwillingly leaped at seeing him and I felt breathless, painfully so.

I had fallen for him after all. Which made this situation even more hurtful.

At the sight of him my initial pain melted away and I felt slightly giddy, his face having become a comfort to me. I gulped, opening my mouth, deliberating what to say when he looked up, his feet suddenly locked in place. I couldn't tell whether or not he was happy or annoyed by seeing me.

Although we were at least ten feet away from each other, the effect his eyes had on me were no less different than if he were right in front of me, as though a thousand tiny fires had been lit all across my skin.

Now that he was facing me head on from behind his car, I couldn't help the shock that was apparent on my own face. I could see that he'd been in some sort of fight. His once bright, hazel eyes were now surrounded with bruises and his lip was cut, deep.

I could feel the tears beginning to burn, my throat becoming dry. I wanted to say something, anything but my lips wouldn't move. All I did was simply look at him and a tear fell down my cheek. He was studying me too. He could probably see the remnants of when I'd been in my own fight from yesterday with Monica.

It was strange. Without the comfort of each other, we were now fighting our own battles.

If everything was normal, he would've ran over to me and demanded to know who'd hurt me, all the while my heart bursting but all he did was look, his expression wavering, his brow furrowing and then he was gone.

I watched as he climbed into his car and drove away...my heart aching with each distance he put between us.

I'd done this.

I'd made it like this between us.

And I regretted everything all over again.

Trying to find my strength to move, I reluctantly dragged my feet towards my own house and to my surprise, the door was unlocked.

“Hello?” I'd called.

“In here.” My father replied. Throwing my bag on the floor by the door and wiping the tears away from my eyes, I made my way further into the house to find my father sitting at the kitchen table with two cups of coffee in front of him. He smiled warmly at me and patted the table in front of the empty seat next to him.

“How was school?” He asked as I slowly made my way over to the table.

“It's was fine.” I murmured, taking the seat as he pushed the coffee in front of me. “Thanks.”

“A lot of homework?” He continued.

“Just an essay.”

I took a sip of the coffee, the hot contents burning my throat as I looked at him suspiciously. He was never home at this time and especially on a Friday. I looked at the clock and frowned. It was 4:15. He would be making his way towards the pub by now and usually I would be on my way towards group.

“You're home pretty late.” he observed, following my eyes to to sit on the clock.

“Just hanging out with the guys for a bit.” I lied. He nodded, obviously not believing my story. Donnie would do the exact same thing. “You're not usually home at this time.”

“Neither are you...did you need a lift to...?”

“Erm...” I cleared my throat. “I'm not gonna go today.” His brows raised in surprise.

“Dee...”

“It's just one day dad. I really don't think I can handle a room full of people right now.”

“What's going on Dakota?” He asked, his voice full of worry as he reached out to pat my hand.

Shit. I'd made him worry.

“Nothing...it's just...ah...School's just stressful.” I tried to explain but my attempt was failing. “So what are you doing home?”

“I thought we could talk.” He answered, shrugging sheepishly.

“Talk...okay.” He smiled and I waited as I could see the the clogs whirling around his brain.

“You're not...” He finally said. “...you know feeling like-” He began but I cut him off.

“Dad, no...please.”

“Dakota. I know you don't want to talk about it but I can see a change in you these past two weeks. You were content, going out all the time and now suddenly you're low...really low and always at home and I...” He replied, running a hand through his hair, looking helpless.

Guilt.

"Dad, I'm fine." I lied.

“Has it got something to do with Gerard?”

“What makes you say that?” I said, my eyes widening in panic. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to my dad about Gerard.

“I saw you guys outside just now and...”

“It's nothing dad."

“Did you guys break up?”

“We were never going out Dad. We were only friends. I told you that.” I said, almost in a pleading tone for him to stop talking about Gerard.

“That's not what it looked like Dee.”

“Well it's what it was. What we were.” I finished. “We haven't hung out for a while...that's all...he's busy...I'm busy.”

“I'm not as oblivious as you think I am Dakota.” He looked at me and he seemed so concerned. "It's alright Dee. To have your heart broken...I mean, it's not but...it's something everyone has to endure at least once."

I tried to smile comfortingly at him but my chin began to wobble and in that moment, my resolve weakened and I started to cry...again. My heart was broken but not exactly in the sense my dad was thinking of. His grip on my hand tightened, his expression sad. I hadn't cried like this in front of him since my grandfather died so he too was shocked when the tears wouldn't stop.

We sat in silence for what felt like forever as he waited for my breaths to calm down, my head beginning to burst.

“Sorry.” I sniffled as I wiped my nose with my sleeve.

“Don't be silly Dee Dee. You're my daughter. I want you to come to me when you're sad or lost. It's what I'm here for.” He chuckled, catching one of the tears with his finger.

“Honestly, I'm fine.” He shook his head, knowing I was lying.

“So...Gerard?”

“Really dad. He wasn't my boyfriend.”

“You wanted him to be?” He asked hesitantly. I tried to come up with an excuse but I couldn't think of any so I simply shrugged.

“I don't know.”

“He's not the only thing, is he?”

“Nothing's happened dad...it's just been one of those days.”

"Dakota-"

"Really. I'll get over this...whatever it is..."

For the next hour or so, he tried to get more out of me but I didn't dare say anymore than I had. We eventually decided to sit down, order take-away and watch a movie. It was something we hadn't done in a while and I didn't realise how much I needed it until the opening credits for the sound of music came on.

After the film finished, I went to bed, but not before he gave me a long hug and promised that me and him would do something the next day. As I lay in bed, my eyes shutting from exhaustion, Gerard's face filled my mind and I couldn't seem to get him out, my three hour diversion from him, seemingly having not worked at all.

I wished he were here with me...now, wrapping his arms around me as he used to but there was no point in dreaming, was there?

He was never going to talk to me again.

Notes

Hello! I know it's been a long time but I was finally able to get this little chapter out. It's probably not that great but I need to get back into the story. Thank you again to those who read and have messaged me. It means so much to know there are people still interested in this story. I hope you enjoy <3