I was sitting in the kitchen, listening to music, sipping at my coffee when the phone rang. I was home alone, my dad already out and school having just finished. Well, in honesty I hadn't gone to school that day. I'd managed to phone in sick without there being any suspicions and I'd called Mikey that morning to let him know; thankfully, he too didn't ask any questions.

That week the guys were very respectful to me in the sense that I didn't really want to talk or hang out. I wouldn't be surprised if Gerard had told Mikey about what had happened between us in the cafe. He seemingly told Mikey everything; especially about my current mental state.

I think Vee and Frank cottoned onto it too. I wasn't surprised. Who was I kidding? Thinking that I could've kept that a secret from them was stupid. They could see right through me.

At least I didn't have to come up with excuses for Fridays anymore.

Regarding Gerard, Vee had already guessed the situation when one day after school, when the rain was ridiculously heavy, I'd decided to get the bus home instead of accepting the lift Gerard had offered to us. Thankfully, I didn't have to see him, seeing as Mikey had offered it to us that morning but I felt a sudden loss.

If I'd had seen Gerard, I probably would've cried indefinitely in front of the whole school.

It was better to keep a distance, no matter how much I missed him.

I wondered if he missed me as much as I missed him (no, probably not) and regretted what he'd said to me in the parking lot. I doubted that. He seemed so sincere and like he said, he had more important things than me going on anyway.

I wondered if it had anything to do with Mikey and Gerard's Grandma. Mikey had said she was sick but aside from that he seemed okay. He didn't give us any details on what was wrong with her but as far as I was aware she was still at home, content. I missed her.

It had become a habit for Gerard and I to go and see her together at least twice a week and it felt as though I had my own grandparent back. It sounds selfish, I know, but I was always tempted to go over and see her myself but I didn't dare, in fear of running into Gerard. He probably would've kicked me out before I could even see her.

He must hate me.

It doesn't matter that I'm mad at him...the last thing I wanted was for him to hate me.

I hate that he made me feel the way I do. As though my world is crumbling down without him and surely enough...it was. He helped me glue pieces of myself back together for a while but I shouldn't have looked to much into it. I swore never again, no one would get close to me but I'd failed myself.

I'd let this happen.

I deserved the consequences.

The phone had caught me off guard however seeing as though it hardly ever rang...well only for my dad, who currently wasn't here, but the timing seemed suspicious. For all I knew, It could've been my mom, finding out I'd skipped school.

“Hello?” I asked into the phone, my current mood lacking any kind of response which equated to fake enthusiasm. It had been one of those weeks, my mind reeling and my temper short. I couldn't seem to settle whatever thoughts that had concocted themselves and in all honesty, I didn't want to. I felt as though I deserved whatever mental breakdown that was about to happen to me.

“Hey Chuck!” A voice replied, the complete opposite to mine.

“Donnie.” I sighed in relief. Although I was in a bad mood, it didn't mean I had to let Donnie know. There was no reason for him to have to worry. “What's up?”

“Nothing much, just calling to see how everything is. I guess I just caught you coming home from school?”

“Erm...sure, yeah.” I replied in such an unconvincing way, I wanted to slap myself. I could hear him chuckle from the other end of the phone.

“Ditching? Really Dee?” He laughed.

“I didn't feel well.” I shrugged but he laughed again.

“Well, if you're gonna feign sickness, then you've got to do a better job than that. Mom could come over at any second.” He teased.

“She won't, she's working the night shift.” Thank God I sighed mentally.

“Oh. Where's dad?” He asked casually, almost as though he didn't already know.

“Where do you think?” I chuckled.

“Ah.” He accepted and although I couldn't see him, I knew he was nodding his head in recognition.

“But how are you? What's new?” I asked, trying to shift the conversation to something better than our parents wherabouts.

“Yeah no I'm good. I'm hanging out with Tara at the moment...she says hi by the way.” Then I heard a distant 'Hi' in the background followed by a giggle.

“Hi.” I called back but I knew neither of them were listening. I could hear their mutterings and laughter. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at them...you know dutiful little sister and all.

“Donnie?” I said after a few moments of background ruckus. I didn't particularly want to know what they were doing.

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” Donnie laughed, breathless.

“Sooo...when do I get to meet Tara?”

“I don't know. Hadn't really thought about it. We're both not really free until the summer break so it might have to be a while yet.” I couldn't help but smile at his optimism. It's good that he saw this as long term. It meant he was creating a future for himself. Me? I couldn't even plan what was happening in the next hour, let alone the next few months.

“Okay...” I muttered but before I could continue, he started talking again, his voice airy and content. He was happy.

“But what's going on with you?”

“Nothing. Just school and stuff.”

“That's it? I haven't seen you for two months and you're telling me nothing has happened?” He asked incredulously.

Of course a lot had happened but I wasn't going to go into the details of it with him. I loved my brother but he didn't need to know the details of my unrequited love for a boy who had broken my heart. It had felt like forever since I'd spoken to Gerard, our last conversation being something I didn't want remember but I couldn't help but replay it in my mind.

The last thing I'd said to him was horrible enough as it is.

“Yup, you know me. Boring and all.”

“I don't believe you for a second.” He replied, his tone now firm. “What about your friends?”

“Yeah, they're good. We've just been doing our usual coffee hang out and stuff.”

“And Gerard?” I froze to the sound of his name. My heart suddenly picking up a rhythm I wanted to never feel again.

“Wh...what about him?” I asked.

“I don't know. You said he was a good friend to you and you know...he...understands and stuff.”

“I don't really talk to him anymore.”

There was a sudden silence between us. My brow furrowed in confusion thinking that maybe we'd lost connection.

“Donnie?”

“What did he do?” He asked suddenly.

“What-?”

“Did he hurt you?”

“No.” Lie.

“Then why don't you talk anymore?” He asked, his tone confused.

“I don't know!” I sputtered. “I guess...he's been busy...with college and ...you know...it's my senior year?” I asked more than stated. All he did was hum in response.

“What?” I sighed.

“Oh nothing.”

“Donnie.”

“What? I just assumed he was your boyfriend.” He shot at me.

“What made you think that? I told you we were friends.” It was his turn to sigh.

“You hardly introduce your boyfriend to your brother casually Dakota. There are certain rules about it you know.” I laughed then, feeling my heart twinge to the idea of Gerard and I potentially being boyfriend and girlfriend.

Considering everything now...it would never happen. Whatever we had wasn't real...not really.

“Trust me Donnie. He was nothing more than a friend.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes! God, why is it that when people talk to me, it's like they're just interrogating me?!” I said in frustration...my voice rising in pitch.

“Jeez, sorry chuck. Okay I believe you.”

I knew he didn't but he was saying it for my benefit.

We must have talked randomly for another hour or so before he and Tara had to leave to the catch the movie they wanted to see. I was reluctant to say goodbye only because I would be left to my thoughts again but he'd hung up before I could.

For the rest of the evening, I really was left to myself and I did something that I hadn't done for months. I found release. I knew I'd cut deep and the pain I felt then would carry on through for at least another few days but I didn't care. I was glad for it. My room was dark, apart from the small sliver of light shining through the window from the moon. My heart ached guiltily as the words from Gerard rang in my mind with each new wound -

“I want you to promise me something.” Gerard said pulling me from my thoughts.

Promise him something? What on earth did he want me to promise? I raised an inquisitive eyebrow at him as my lip trembled, my physical state trying to fight against my emotional one. He took a deep breath before he answered.

“I want you to promise me that when you think the word is falling down, you'll come and find me.”

My world was doing exactly that but I couldn't go to him. Not after what happened. I doubt Gerard and I were ever going to speak again.

Out the corner of my eye, sitting on my beside side table, tucked up within my little notebook, I noticed a little black and white splodge. Confused, as I couldn't remember what it was, I blinked away the rest of my tears and began to pull it from the book. My heart sunk then, realising what I'd kept so close to me.

---

“I had stood outside it with the curtain open as he made himself comfortable on the stool, explaining to him that it was one of the weirdest ideas he'd had. I'd lost count how many times he'd rolled his eyes at me in those moments.

“I have a perfectly good camera...one that you gave me!” I'd argued but he wasn't having any of it.

“Just get in Dakota.” He said as he grabbed my wrist and pulled me in with one tug. I stood awkwardly in front of him as he shut the curtain, once more settling himself into the seat. He turned to look at me with a raised eyebrow, as if he were waiting for me to do something. Either my brain was shutting down or I was completely oblivious.

“What?” I had asked.

“Sit down Dee.” He said, as though it were obvious.

“But...you're on the seat.” I replied as I pointed awkwardly at him. He patted his knee then and my heart quickened. I was supposed to sit on his lap. Isn't this what couples do!? My cheeks began to redden and I was at a loss for words. I suddenly wanted to run out of the booth. I felt beyond embarrassed.

In moments like this, where Gerard could make me lose sense, I wish I hated him.

“I don't know...I-I thought we-we were going for coffee?” I stuttered but he simply grabbed my wrist again and pulled me onto his lap as if it were something completely normal...which in my book...it was wasn't. His arm wrapped tight around my waist, I sat a little straighter, trying to distance myself in someway but he pulled me against him so I had to wrap my arm around his shoulders so I didn't look a complete mess.

“Wasn't so hard, was it?” He smirked as he leant us forward to put the money in.

“Shut up.” I muttered.

“Relax, would you?” He laughed.

“I'm trying to!” I half shouted back at him. “Your legs are in the way!” And in that moment, he spread his thighs apart which caused me to drop a little, as he shifted me to one side, his fingers digging into my waist.

“You are so dramatic.”

And so, we proceeded to take the pictures. Half of them, we were pulling funny faces and being completely and utter silly but then his kissed my cheek which caused me to look at him. He looked back at me with a broad grin, his dimples on show and his eyes bright which made me smile back. He was so close to me, I could feel the heat radiating off his skin, and in that moment I knew...

I was in love with him.

I was so in love with him that my heart was beginning to ache at the thought of it. I wanted more.

I was so screwed.

---

I lay down on my bed and placed the four small photographs on top of my chest, holding them tightly to me. Gerard had printed two sets – he's said 'One for each of us' but I was sure he'd probably burnt his by now.

As hurt as I was by what he did and said to me...I couldn't help but feel more hurt by the prospect of never seeing him again.

I was deeply and undoubtedly in love with him.

Notes

Thank you so much for the comments. It means a lot to me. I hope you enjoyed the chapter!