Tap, tap, tap.

That's all I heard that afternoon.

Tap, tap, tap.

Against the window, a constant noise.

After the heavy yet short force of snow in Jersey after Christmas, the rain in late January had made itself known already and it wasn't giving up. Of course, I didn't mind it, I longed for the rain; I would have loved it if it rained everyday but it wasn't one of those days.

I wanted silence.

The whole of the holidays had my parents shouting at one another again. I'm not even sure about the specifics of the arguments but they sounded as though they were getting worse again. From my room, I could hear the sound of glass shattering and I was too afraid to go downstairs to find the source of the noise. I spent most of my time sitting in my room at night, holding my grandfathers jumper tightly in my hands trying to block everything out but nothing worked.

I ached mentally and physically and I was slipping again.

Further into the darkness.

My mother claimed she came over to the house to see me but I think that maybe she enjoyed arguing with my dad.

It was all they ever seemed to do.

Once, she even brought Hugh around which angered my father even more.

Why she thought that was a good idea, I'll never know. She still believes that at some point Hugh and I will start to get along but that will just never happen.

I didn't like him...he didn't like me. He antagonizes me and I fight back but mom says it's my fault because I don't try.

“You have to try in order to be a family.”

But she didn't stay and fight for me and Donnie.

She just left.

I longed for Gerard to come and see me in those times but he never came to my window, or held me while I fell asleep.

He suddenly just drifted.

I'd see him with the others and at group but that was rarely. He held my hand still, under the table at the pub or at the coffee shop but it felt forced, as though he were doing it for my sake only. I tried to talk to him, to get a moment alone with him but he always found an excuse to leave.

But there was a moment, only once when we were alone.

It was about a week after my mom had found out I'd been hanging around Gerard, a week after I'd consoled him and he was dropping me home from the pub. He'd been quieter that week but he was still acting relatively the same with me. I was talking to him about god knows what, half of the things I was saying, I couldn't remember but he was laughing and humoring me.

'Silver Springs' came on the radio and I couldn't help but sing, turning to face Gerard, encouraging him to sing along with me but he just smiled and shook his head. To me, at that moment I thought we were fine, back to the way things were before my mom had found out but I was wrong. It was probably the alcohol I had consumed that had made me see things in a distorted way but I was just happy to be with Gerard.

'Time casts a spell on you, but you won't forget me

I know I could have loved you, but you would not let me

I'll follow you down 'til the sound of my voice will haunt you

You'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you'

It's strange isn't it? How someone can make you feel by just sitting near them or thinking about them. Gerard didn't have to do much to make me feel as though I were swooning. He just had to exist.

“What are you thinking about?” He asked. I hadn't even been aware that my mind had drifted but then again I was drunk.

“Don't you wish you could just disappear without any of the consequences?” I asked him smoothly, as though it were a simple- 'hi, how are you?'.

“All the time.” he replied as he stared at the road, the street lights illuminating his features.

He looked angelic and I had to stop every muscle in my body from wanting to move over and rest my head on his shoulder. Gerard just drew me to him without even realising it.

Every time the streetlamp lit up his eyes, they seemed sad but if he noticed me staring, his face would quickly convert back to a smile that never really met his eyes. After some quiet, the rain beginning again, I eventually said -

“Well, let's do it.”

“Do what?” He asked, shocked, his eyes widening as he looked at me, the car slowing to turn down our street. I laughed at his expression.

“Run away.”

He seemed to visibly relax however his hands tightened on the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. He shook his head and smiled. I wondered what he thought I meant.

“God you're so drunk.” He replied almost more to himself.

“I'm serious Gerard!”

“I know you are but you're also drunk. You should be careful of what you say.” He spoke, his voice quiet, the light feeling in the car sinking. I watched him, my lips pursed wondering what he meant by those words.

“Run away with me.” I whispered.

The car slowed to a stop as he turned to pull into the driveway, the lights from both our homes non-existent, the song cutting off. I was still watching him, my breath caught in my throat as I deliberated whether I had said the completely wrong thing. He smiled lazily at me before he turned his body in my direction, his arm resting on the back of the bench seat.

“Any time you want.”

I smiled brightly at him then, sighing in relief to his response, however he turned his face away to look out the windscreen, his emotions hidden once again.

We sat in silence, whether or not it was comfortable, I couldn't remember - my body was littered with alcohol whereas Gerard hadn't touched a drop.

I'd only drank so much just to get my mind off of my parents. Vee had drunk the same amount as me anyway so I hadn't made a complete fool of myself...however she had. A little. She danced badly, even once trying to stand on a table but Ray had somehow convinced her not to...while still keeping her in a good mood. While she wasn't dancing, she would talk about Derek and then would somehow change the subject to Gerard and I. I was so thankful that the music was loud and that the guys didn't notice. I wouldn't know what I would've done if they'd heard -

"Just kiss Gerard and get it over with!"

In the silence I could feel the heat radiating off his skin and my pulse raced to the idea of how close we were. All my feelings towards Gerard seemed to rush in all at once and I thought I were to faint from the sensation. I felt light, as though I were capable of anything.

Whether or not it was the alcohol, I'd had a burst of confidence as I leaned over towards him and lightly brushed my lips against his cheek. He jerked and turned his head towards me, our lips then only inches apart. I froze as his eyes softened, realising that if I leant only so much closer, I would be kissing him...

The tension was so thick that you could have cut it with a knife. He was looking at me, his eyes dark as they searched my face for the answer to an unasked question. I could feel his breath on my lips, his fringe brushing against my forehead, his nose rubbing lightly against my own.

I closed my eyes...waiting and waiting but then it all came to a stop.

He moved his lips to my forehead for only a moment before he leant away from me, a surge of rejection and humiliation filling me. I opened my eyes, hurt yet almost relieved that he hadn't kissed me.

If he had, I knew it would've been more painful because of the way he responded.

“You should get some sleep Dakota. This is something you'll probably want to forget.”

I sat still, shocked at his response as I waited for him to say or doing anything else. It was evident he wasn't going to, his attention suddenly on his steering wheel.

Without so much a goodbye from my end, I turned and left the car, quickly running to my house, not daring to look back at him. Once safely inside my house, I leant my head against the door as I could hear the roar of his car coming alive before he sped down our street, his destination unknown to me.

Subconsciously I knew it was the words from Vee that was telling me to kiss him. I wanted to, so badly but he couldn't fix how broken I was...

The thought of Gerard Way consumed me and I wish i'd never met him.

I'd wished my suicide attempt was in fact not just an attempt but an end.

I felt humiliated.

When school came about, having not heard from Gerard after the incident in the car, I'd overheard Mikey tell Frank about how Gerard had slipped back into his old routine, which meant he was screwing girls, drinking heavily and rarely ever home. I didn't know why but I was infuriated.

“He's like a switch.” Vee had said to me in art. “It's just on and off with him...it's in his nature.”

But it gave me no comfort.

I'd wondered if he'd finally had enough of me.

There was a time where my fears had almost been assured when Frank, Vee, Mikey, Ray, Gerard and I were all at the pub on the most recent Saturday, a usual routine for us, however Gerard was sitting across from me instead of next to me and to that, he'd made me feel rejected all over again. It must have been because of what I'd said...and nearly did in the car.

He really wasn't lying when he said he didn't think of me that way.

I sat beside Frank, with our arms linked as he spurted out another horror story of spending Christmas with his family.

“I love them but god...do they really have to do that.”

“Okay Frankie, we get it.” Ray laughed.

“I'm serious!”

“We know but you've told this story six times.” Vee interjected. “A girl can only handle so much.” She continued flicking her hair over her shoulder.

“Oh and it's so different when you go on and on about Derek!” Frank said as he pretended to fall asleep and snore on my shoulder. I laughed, shoving him away, catching a glimpse of Gerard watching me. I felt my cheeks heat up the moment my eyes met his and I looked away in embarrassment.

“Well at least Derek is mature-”

“Okay, both of you stop it or we'll keep going around in circles.” Mikey intervened, laughing at both Frank and Vee's expression.

“Okay then...” Gerard said slapping the table. “More beers?”

Everyone smiled and Frank shouted a 'hell yeah' but I didn't answer. I simply watched as he took away our empty glasses and walked over to the bar, smiling and talking to Mark. He seemed so at ease when he wasn't directly near me. I could feel himself tense when I would walk into the room. Most of the time I tried to catch a ride with Ray but Mikey always insisted Gerard wouldn't mind.

“You guy are close though, right?” He would say but I would simply shrug at him.

It still made me laugh that Mark knew we were underage but he continued to serve us anyway. I don't think he really cared whether or not he would lose his license, he was just happy to get money from us.

Just as Vee was opening her mouth to talk to me, the guys lost in their own version of Mikey and I's – which Bowie song is the best?- conversation, I noticed a girl come up beside Gerard, her hair vibrant and red, dressed in a tight black vest and jeans, red heels on her feet. Against my will, I had to admit she was very pretty.

I was too enamored by waiting for Gerard's response to notice Vee kicking my leg under the table. She turned in exasperation to what I was looking at and by that point, Gerard was smiling back at her, running a hand down her arm, cocking his head slightly to the side...flirting.

Vee turned back to me slowly, shrugging as though nothing was going on and that she didn't know what he was up to.

I did.

And it angered me even more. I never considered myself a jealous person until I met Gerard.

About five minutes later, Gerard came back to the table empty handed, to rest against the side of the booth, a tight smile on his lips.

“I'll see you guys later.” He announced, running a hand through his hair.

“Wait, where are our beers? Where are you going?” Frank asked in confusion. Gerard looked over his shoulder and shrugged.

“Out.”

“Really Gee?” Mikey asked, pushing his glasses further onto his face.

“Typical boy.” Vee sighed which made Gerard laugh.

“You love me really Vee.” Gerard replied. “Do you think you could give Mikes a ride home?” Gerard turned, looking at Ray.

“No problem.” Ray sighed as he got up from his seat, heading towards the bar to actually get our beers.

As the others began a conversation with themselves again, I was staring at the table, not daring to catch anyone's eye, especially not Gerard's. I could feel him watching me, the intensity of his stare almost painful but I held my ground, watching Vee instead, pretending I was listening to conversation.

Ray eventually came over with our beers and Gerard took that as his cue to leave.

“Don't wait up.”

That night, I ended up staying around Vee's, not wanting the opportunity to run into Gerard any time soon. I'd ended up telling Vee about the car incident the week before because I just felt the need to tell her. She was the one who'd been pushing the Gerard situation so it seemed only fair I guess to give her the details...in as smallest form as possible.

As we were settling in her bed, me having to borrow a pair of her pajama bottoms, for some reason she couldn't stop apologising.

“Vee, honestly-”

“No, Dakota, I feel awful. For months now I've been telling you that Gerard likes you, which I still believe and that you should go for it but he's just such an ass! I mean to pick up a girl in front of you is just...vile-”

“Vee-”

“And the fact that you tried to kiss him in the car and he didn't do anything! I mean how dense is he?!”

“Maybe he just doesn't like me Vee.” I sighed.

“Nope. Not true. Mikey even says the same thing.”

“What?!”

“Oh come on.” Vee laughed. “You really think you kept it hidden from us...your friends? Mikey knows Gerard likes you and that you like Gerard. He was only worried because he knows how Gerard is and that he could hurt you...which he's done...and that that would put a strain on your relationship with Mikey.”

“I would never let that happen.”

“I know that and deep down so does he...Gerard's just...I don't know.”

“He's not mine Vee. I have no reason to be angry with him.” She sighed, scooting closer to me to wrap an arm around my shoulder.

“It doesn't mean you can't be upset over it either. You really like Gerard and he's hurt you. There's nothing wrong with you if you get upset. If I were you, I would've punched him by now.”

I don't know what happened but I started to cry. I blamed everything on the alcohol because it had to have been. Sober, I would have never cried in front of anyone aside from Gerard but we were no longer what we once were.

There was no warning. He just started to disappear.

And not only was I hurt. I was angry. He promised me he wouldn't leave.

The week after that Saturday, school was a nightmare.

I hadn't seen Gerard since the incident on Saturday and I tried to steer clear of my parents whenever they were together.

I'd been doing fine so far, keeping my head down for the first few weeks of the new term and when I had to leave the guys to go to classes but then Monica found me...and she wasn't alone. It started out at first with her calling me the normal names- 'freak, ugly, loser, disgusting' and even skank because she'd seen me out with Gerard.

To her it was as though I had her 'sloppy seconds' when in fact all she'd ever done was fancy him. Nothing ever came of it.

Then, apparently I'd started a rumour around school and well...she wouldn't tell me what the rumour was but it seemed bad considering what my face looked like.

It was probably the worst I looked yet after a run in with Monica.

It had happened just before the last lesson of the day so I hadn't even bothered turning up to class. It was now five o'clock, group just about to start and I wasn't there. I hadn't even told the guys I was leaving. I just walked out.

I didn't understand why I was so hurt by Gerard. I liked him - scratch that - LOVED him sure but he wasn't mine. He practically hadn't done anything wrong but my chest still ached from the idea of him.

It's better this way...it was my fault because I'd allowed myself to fall for him which was the worst idea i'd had yet to date.

I just had to keep telling myself...it was better this way.

No matter how angry I was. I was more angry with myself.

I wasn't sure how long i'd been sitting there, with my head in my hands but I wished I had left before he found me. I could feel him enter the cafe before he even had to say anything.

Gerard was the kind of person you knew had entered the room without even having to look.

“Where the fuck have you been?” His response had stunned me, my first reaction to be to defend myself but I was too tired.

I didn't say a word as I felt Gerard stand over me, the anger seeping through him palpable. His voice was quiet, so to not attract any attention to us but I already knew there were some people staring. Jersey was a place where gossip was the only pass time.

“Go away Gerard-” I muttered pathetically, feeling a tear slide of my nose and onto the table.

“No.” he replied before I could even finish talking.

He sighed angrily, moving then to take the seat across from me. I could just see his hands rest onto the table, his body leaning towards mine.

“I have been looking everywhere for you Dakota.” He said between his teeth. “I haven't seen you for a week-”

“I was staying at Vee's.” I explained but he didn't stop there.

“-I go to school to pick you up for group and you're not there! The guys didn't even know where you were! They're worried sick! Frank said you never even turned up for science-” I sighed in frustration.

I lifted my head, allowing my hands to land onto the table as the tears continued to fall. I must have looked like shit but I was just too exhausted to even think about anything such as my appearance to the boy I was in love with and the boy I was furious with.

“Dee-”

I shut my eyes, leaning away from his outstretched hand. No. He did not get to ignore me for weeks and then demand explanations.

“Talk to me-” He continued but I just laughed. “Whats' so funny?”

“Are you finished?” I asked, my voice raspy from all he tears I'd shed. He was looking at me the same way he'd done the first time he saw my cuts. He was looking at me with pity.

I couldn't stand it.

“What happened?” He asked.

“Nothing that concerns you.” I replied immediately, dropping my gaze to the coffee cup.

“Dakota-”

“I need a minute Gerard, please...just...”

I wiped my tears away in frustration, wincing as I put pressure on the bruise by my eye. Why did he want to know what happened to me? Why was he here, now? A sudden bout of anger surged through me towards him.

He hadn't been there.

“Why are you even here?” I asked angrily. “Why have you been looking for me?”

“I was looking for you...to get you for group.”

“To get me to group? What do you care whether or not I go to group? You haven't spoken to me for a week.”

“Dakota-”

“No. You can't waltz in here and demand to know where I've been or what happened to me when you haven't had the courtesy to try and-”

“You weren't there to talk to!” He said angrily back.

“Neither were you!” I took a pause, watching his reaction but he just slumped in his seat.

“And what about the week before that?” I asked quietly. He sighed, running a hand through his hair, his gaze resting on the table. I was looking straight at him, demanding to know what had happened to him over a month ago, after boxing day...and after the incident in the car, how, after our conversation, he had just decided to drop me.

“I don't know what you're talking about.” He answered, crossing his arms over his chest, looking guilty. He knew exactly what I was talking about.

“Of course you do.” He shook his head. “Are you going to tell me?”

“There isn't anything to tell.”

I didn't know what I wanted to do more. Throw my drink over him because of his indifference to the situation or simply walk away.

It was as though we were having our own staring contest, neither of us breathing a word. I couldn't understand why he just stopped talking to me...he kissed me once and he stayed with me still...he used to kiss my cheek all the time. Why was it when I decided to initiate something, he ignored me afterwords and suddenly fell back into his usual routine.

I thought we were past all of this.

Suddenly, I didn't want to look at him anymore. It hurt. I felt defeated. I just wanted to be alone.

“Maybe you should go.” I whispered eventually.

"No." He replied again, leaning forward, which caused me to lean back. "I'm not leaving."

"Gerard-" I sighed in frustration.

“Look, I'm sorry-”

“Just stop! Please. There's too much shit going on right now Gerard and the last thing I want to do now is talk to you.”

Before I could think, the words had flown out of my mouth and I stole a quick look at him. He sat there, his brow furrowed and his mouth slight agape.

“What's going on?” His voice wasn't soft...he'd gone cold, his emotion lacking as though he were now angry with me. Why was he angry with me?

“Gerard-”

“No, I'm sorry.” He laughed humorlessly as he leant onto the table again. “I'm sorry if...if I was worried about you or that they guys were when you just disappear on them. You have a track record for making people worried Dakota.”

“Don't want something on your conscience Gerard?”

“I'm sorry?” He breathed, his eyes widening.

“Nothing, it doesn't matter-” I said as I began to stand but his hand had flashed out across the table and held onto my wrist tightly.

“It fucking does matter.” He said between his teeth.

“What do you care Gerard? Just go back to what you were doing before I came along. It seems however, you're doing exactly that. Just forget I even exist. I'm sure you'll be able to sleep easier at night that way not having to...'worry' about me, like the burden I am.”

"That's not-"

Before he could finished his reply, I'd snatched my wrist away from him and began to race out of the door and back outside where the rain was heavy. I felt relief as soon as I stepped into it, almost as though I was trying to wash away everything that was Gerard.

I started to walk but before I could get far Gerard had caught up with me again, his hand gripping onto my upper arm in an unyielding hold.

“Fucking hell Dakota, are you insane?”

“Maybe a little. I have a certificate to prove it!” I answered, trying to tug my arm away.

“What is the matter with you?” He shouted at me over the rain.

“Let go of me!” I screamed, trying to push him away but he wasn't giving up.

“Not until you tell me!”

“Are you blind?” I shouted, using the phrase Vee had so many times told me before.

“What are you even talking about?”

“See! You don't even see what the hell is going on!”

“Dakota, I'm taking you home-”

“I'm not going anywhere with you.” I said, finally freeing my arm from his grip. He took a step towards me but I took two back.

“Dakota.” He warned but I wasn't giving in.

I was angry at everything. At Gerard, at my parents, at Monica.

I wanted to get away from them all.

“You've been an ass to me and you think you can just decide things for me suddenly?”

“I haven't been an ass!”

“Really?”

“If you'd stop being so selfish, I could explain-”

“Selfish?” I laughed. “How am I the one being selfish? What could you possibly explain-”

“You just disappear without a warning? That's low Dakota, considering what you've already put people through once before-”

“I went to get coffee-”

“You should have told someone! You just disappeared!”

“Well thats exactly what you did!” I screamed, breathing heavily as he stood still, stoic. His jaw clenched as his fists tightened beside him.

“I didn't disappear. I've seen you haven't it? I've talked to you-”

“You know thats not what I mean.”

In that moment I knew...I was treating whatever Gerard and I had had with each other as some form of relationship. I was acting as though he were mine and that everything he's done was wrong when in fact...he was single and he didn't have to answer to me or to anyone.

But he'd made me believe that I was important to him.

He said I was his first choice...always. You don't casually do whatever he'd done to me and act as though it was nothing.

“There is no reason to talk to me like some spoilt brat.” He spat back. “Not everything is about you.”

“I never said it was Gerard. But you can't just disappear and then hop back in whenever you feel like and have a go at me for something you did too. I only disappeared for an hour, not a month.”

“What if I had something more important than you going on huh? What if I was going through shit and you're too selfish to see the big picture?"

"You never tell me anything!" I shouted again. "You make me tell you every little shit thing that's happened to me but you don't tell me anything! How am I supposed to kno-"

"See? You're making this about you, again! Maybe...god, you know what, maybe my first instinct of you wasn't that far off.”

---

“Jeez sugar, calm down, would you? We wouldn't want to make a scene and wake up the neighbours.” He grinned. The only reason I would have to wake up the neighbours would be by a fist fight.He licked his lips as he stared at me and I was suddenly so conscious of how I presented myself.

“I told you not to call my sugar.” I stated with a slight nod.

“S'fine.” He laughed softly. “I think it's suits you though...I don't normally call people sugar anyway but fine...what was your name? D- something? D...dora? Diane? You know what, I'll just call Dee...” He rambled.

“What did you want Gerard? Why are you over here, terrorizing me?”

“Well...” He sighed as he placed a hand against the wall beside my head, his body heat radiating onto my cheek. “Firstly, I think terrorize is a little strong, don't you Dee? I think of it as chit chat. And secondly, I initially came here to apologize and all because Mikey wanted me too.” He whispered.

“While you were drunk?” He shrugged.

“Either way.”

“Okay...”

“So I'm sorry, okay?”I didn't believe him for a second. He had a smirk on his lips obviously displaying his insincerity to the whole situation. Perhaps if he were sober he may have been able to use his poker face to his advantage.

“Apology not accepted.”

“What?!” He complained. “Why?”

“Because you don't mean it. What's the point in apologising if you aren't actually sorry for what you've done.” He rolled his eyes before he moved his arm away, turning his body away from mine. The wind began to pick up speed that caused me to tighten my jacket around me.

“You know what I find rather amusing?” He spoke after a while of stumbling.

“Please enlighten me.” I answered as he turned around.

“I think you try and give off this 'I'm so hard done by' vibe and it's sickening if i'm honest. You know, I'll admit it though, you've got the whole thing going for you, the sad eyes, the dark clothes and all. You're getting the sympathy vote from my brother for sure but you won't get it from me.” He paused as he waited for me to shout back, attempt to defend myself at least but I couldn't.

I don't know how Gerard did it but he made me feel worthless every time I spoke to him and surprisingly, this was only the second time. He didn't even have to say much. No one ever did to make me realise how worthless I indeed was.

“Let me guess, you were teased or something at your old school..., you got family issues, huh?” He asked sarcastically. “It seems to me that you are entirely oblivious to the world around you and it's actual problems. The smallest things make you want to get all the attention in the world. Well...sugar, I aint buyin' it.”

---

Just then, the thunder rumbled over us, and I took another step back, his words having the effect as if he'd just hit me. I couldn't believe he'd just said that to me.

It felt as though everything we'd shared over the months meant nothing. His apologies were all lies.

He never cared...he just pitied me.

New tears began to form and his face changed suddenly. He growled in frustration, turning to kick the bin beside us.

“Then I guess we shouldn't talk anymore.”

He looked at me, his hands on his hips, his breathing deep.

"No, that's not what I want-"

"Really Gerard? Then why say it?"

“Dakota, I didn't mean-”

“I wish I'd never met you.”

I then turned away from him and didn't look back, refusing to allow myself any regret for what I'd just said to him.

Notes

It's a VERY long chapter. Hope you guys like it <3