Give Me Hope In The Darkness

I sat there, not daring to breath a word until my mother's shouts had lessened in the small kitchen. She was overreacting but to say that to her would be suicide (Yes, poor choice of words, I know). She felt as though she were completely in the right and what she had to say was all that mattered.

Just because she's my mom however does not mean she is right.

Not in the slightest.

I don't know why older people do that but it's some kinda weird dominant thought that they can't seem to live without – I'm right, your wrong bullshit, end of. They act as though they'd never once been young and somehow that they'd been born middle-aged.

My mother called Gerard all the horrid names you could conjure in your mind, striking down any kind acts he had done for me as a way of manipulating me into bed. To that, of course, I rolled my eyes which made my mother create another 150 insults in the record time of about two minutes.

She cared, in her own way, I know but she was blind to the good that Gerard was just because she didn't agree with it. It scared her to think that maybe she no longer had a little girl, that I was growing.

She was however wrong about the circumstance. Gerard would never touch me in the way she was insinuating to my father which caused me to blush furiously every time she brought it up, refusing to make eye contact with either of my parents.

She was worried I would relapse and that Gerard would be the cause...what she didn't know was that he was helping. He took my mind off of the stressful things in life such as school, my home life and the future. He was focusing on the now...

If anything, my mother and her attitude had me on breaking point.

She wasn't listening to anything I had to say about the situation.

My mother simply assumed.

“...I mean,Tony, honestly, please explain to your daughter how incredibly stupid she's being by hanging around with this boy! He is the worst thing for her!”

I cringed as I slid further down into my seat mentally reminding myself that maybe I shouldn't go to the coffee shop with Gerard anymore. My mother really wasn't going to let this go.

I glanced quickly at my dad, his index finger bouncing on his lip as he listened to whatever my mother was shouting towards him, his poker face on full display.

“Dakota how could you be so stupid!” She shot at me quickly as she leaned both hands on the back of the chair.

“I haven't done-” I began but she cut me off.

“I don't want to hear it.”

Resting my head onto the table with a rough bang as she continued to shout, it occurred to me that maybe everyone in our street could hear our conversation. My mother was basically screaming bloody murder and I felt as though I were going to rip my hair out if she continued.

I wouldn't be surprised if at any moment the police were about to turn up.

“Well?” She shouted, causing me to jump upright in my chair. “Aren't you going to say anything?”

My dad's gaze flickered over to me slowly, his eyes not giving anything away. He sighed, leaning back in his chair, folding his arms while the seconds dragged on.

“Is he your boyfriend?” he asked.

I shook my head quickly, my heart annoyingly sinking at the revelation.

“Your friend then?”

“Yes.” I answered quietly.

“A good friend?”

“Honestly Tony I don't see-” My dad cut her off by raising his hand in the air, my mother rolling her eyes in aggravation.

“Yes.” I repeated.

My dad sighed, as though he were mulling over the situation that my mother had conjured in her mind. I was looking at him, pleading for him to understand that their was nothing more than friendship between Gerard and I but his poker face was still intact.

“And what makes you think he's a good friend?” My father asked, his eyes softening. I shrugged at first, peeking at my mom as her eyes still shone bright with fire.

“He..” I began, trying to find the right words as I twisted my fingers together, my mothers foot beginning to tap. “He...I don't know...he just helps me forget and-”

“And then what? He'll use you for his own advantage-”

“Jane.” My father said, his tone quiet as my mother sighed, raking a hand through her hair.

“Don't you think that maybe you're overreacting-?”

“OVERREACTING?” She shrilled near my ear, her face the reddest I'd seen yet to date. She seemed even more angry by the fact I was hanging out with Gerard than when I'd ended up in hospital.

It's a good thing she doesn't know that I'm in love with him.

“I am not overreacting Tony! You don't know him.”

“You told me you didn't know him.” I countered but she shot daggers at me.

“I know of him and I know him. I was one of the nurses that had to sew up his wrists Dakota.”

“Did you talk to him?” My father added.

“Well...I...He was slightly drowsy from the drugs we'd given-”

“So you haven't actually spoken to him?” My dad continued. I couldn't help but smile as inconspicuously as I could but my mother caught me.

“I don't know why you're smiling Dakota. You are never to see him...again!”

“He lives next door Jane.” My dad groaned, finally at the end of his tether.

“She was at the mall with him...alone-”

And the pub...and in his car...and in his house...and outside of town...and at a party and...in my room.

It would be best not to divulge that information.

“I'm sure they had privacy with the hundreds of shoppers at the mall-”

“It's not funny Tony.” My mother spoke, her voice exhausted. “This is our little girl. It hasn't even been a year since...” She stopped, shaking her head, placing a hand on the back of her neck. “Tony...I'm sure that under different circumstances, it would be fine-”

“And what are the circumstances mom? He's my friend...” Lie. “You were the one who told me to go and make some friends. I did. Now you're telling me to not see someone who is my friend. You love Mikey, you know, Gerard's brother but you don't want me anywhere near him. How is that supposed to work?”

I didn't want to tell my mother that Gerard and I were in fact also in the same group therapy. If she'd known, I'm sure my mother would've ripped me out of the session before I could even say goodbye to him.

It was better her not knowing this.

It was better her not knowing a lot of it.

There was a momentary silence in the Carey kitchen as my mother looked at me, her mind already made up. She was never going to like Gerard, she was never going to trust Gerard because of the talk in the neighborhood.

It seemed no mother would like Gerard and I'm sure I knew why but I wasn't that to him.

He didn't see me that way.

He'd told me enough times.

“Jane, don't you see that you're stressing Dee out over what seems like nothing?”

“It is something Tony.” Her voice was oddly calm which seemed to be worse than her shouting. “Dee, I would rather you not see Gerard, like you said, you've made friends. Just hang out with Mikey, Frank and Vee. They're all good kids.”

“Mom-”

“Please Dakota.”

After what felt like hours of going back and forth and simply not getting anywhere, I eventually gave up, not bothering to fight my cause which my mother seemed content enough with (her idea of me agreeing with her). She left, giving me a quick kiss on the head before anything more could be said on the subject, leaving my dad and I alone at the kitchen table, my fingers gingerly tapping against the side of my mug.

I could feel him looking at me, almost as though he were waiting for me to come up with an excuse to explain what had just happened between my mother and I at the mall. We'd already covered the- “I can't believe you physically pulled her away for him”- part while my mother was here and it seemed she'd said enough about it for all of us.

It was already 10 0'clock by the time my mother left and I couldn't wait to just go into my room but the silence that my father was creating was proof to me that we weren't done with the conversation.

“So...” I began, giving him the chance to continue or whether he would just let me go to bed.

He remained silent.

“Dad, he's just a friend.” I eventually sighed.

“Not what it looked like to your mother.” He smiled softly. “And we know what she's like.”

“Can't friends hold hands? Or just hang out? Regardless of gender.”

“Dakota, you can tell me if...you know he's...more than a friend...your mother can be-”

“Wait? You don't mind if Gerard and I are more than friends?” I asked, stupified by how calm he was. In all honesty, if the prospect of me having a boyfriend ever came up, I assumed he would have began throwing things or maybe he would have reacted the way my mother had.

“I didn't say that.” My father responded quickly. “I mean...are you-?”

“No.”

“Okay...well then I'm not quit sure where the problem is. Do you talk to each other, confide in each other?”

“Sort of...” I shrugged. “We hang out...with the others too, it's not always just us.”

“Does he treat you well?”

Yes, no, maybe? Yes, he does.

He just doesn't treat me the way I want him to...in the romantic sense.

God I hated him.

But I loved him.

“Yes.”

And with that, my dad nodded and smiled reassuringly at me. It almost seemed too easy but I took the opportunity to wish him a good night and ran upstairs to my room. Before I could get all the way up the stairs however, I heard him shout from the kitchen -

"I still want to meet him though Dakota!"

"Soon!" I replied.

Once shutting the door, I leaned my head against it, causing a dull thud to emit in my room.
I was exhausted.

I didn't know how long I'd been downstairs talking to my mom after she'd pulled me away from Gerard but I knew she wouldn't be happy with my dad's verdict. On the outside, I'm sure many people would think she was overreacting, which in a sense she was, but if she ever found out how I felt about Gerard, or that he'd kissed me...or gotten me drunk... she would kill me.

I'd just have to keep quiet about it then. I was pretty good at keeping secrets.

But...

A thought suddenly crossed my mind.

What if my mom freaked out Gerard and he decided it was too much of a hassle to be my friend? What if he never wanted to see me again? I wouldn't be surprised but...

No, surely that's ridiculous, right? I mean, Gerard and I have been through a lot...the fact that I'm suicidal doesn't make him want to run for the hills...but my mom can be pretty scary.

Stop it. I'm clearly just imagining things...I hoped.

Just when I thought I'd calmed myself down...

“What are you thinking about?” The sudden intrusion of noise from my once quiet bedroom caused me to yelp as I banged my head against the door, my heart as though it were to beat out of my chest.

I knew the voice but it still came as a surprise as I attempted to calm myself. Again.

I stayed quiet for a moment, hoping my dad hadn't heard me, but as I listened carefully, I could hear the faint sound of the television, most likely today's football score.

“Gerard?” I half whispered in my dark room eventually. “What are you doing here?”

Just then, he turned on my desk lamp, his body hunched as he rested his elbows on his legs once more, sitting on my chair. He was wearing the exact same outfit as he had done at the mall, his smile however gone from earlier today. There was something strange about the way he held himself now...he looked just as exhausted as I felt.

He was looking at me warily, his mouth agape as he deliberated what he was going to say.

“Just...you know...checking to see if you were okay.”

I nodded slowly as he got up, walking towards me with a slight smile playing on his lips. I smiled sheepishly back at him as I pushed myself away from the door, meeting him halfway.

Without so much as a thought, his hands wound around my waist, bringing me to him as he buried his face into my neck, my arms encircling his shoulders.

It was a normal greeting for us but I couldn't help but feel that every time Gerard touched me, I never wanted him to let me go. I was like a love sick puppy, always wanting to be with him.
He brought his head away from my shoulders and kissed the top of my head, sighing deeply before he spoke.

“So...that was pretty intense, huh?”

I paused, holding my breath as a flood of panic hit me.

Had he heard the conversation between my parents and I?

I really, really, really hoped not.

“You heard that?” I replied, pulling myself away from him in embarrassment but he kept a hold of my arms. He shrugged sheepishly, flicking his head slightly to move the piece of hair that had fallen in front of his eyes.

“God, I can't believe you heard that!” I exclaimed, smacking a hand against my forehead.

“Dakota, it's okay-”

“It's not okay! I mean...My mom is just...and at the mall...Gerard, I'm so sorry-”

“Dakota, it's fine, really.” He said, shaking my shoulders slightly to make me look at him, my heart melting at the sight of his eyes.

“It's not fine. I'm so embarrassed.” He rolled his eyes and sighed.

Without saying anything, he took my hand, lacing our fingers together and led me over to the bed, sitting and then dragging me down beside him, my hand still tightly placed in his own. He squeezed reassuringly, his other hand resting on top of our joint ones. The feeling caused me to close my eyes, making me feel slightly less tense than I had done before.

“I am sorry.” I muttered pathetically.

“Don't be silly.” He laughed humourlessly. “You have nothing to apologize for. I knew your mom wouldn't like me anyway.”

“She doesn't know you.” I answered as I squeezed his hand, watching his profile, his eyes directed at the floor. “She's just...a little protective I guess but it's no excuse for what she said about you.”

“I deserve everything she said.”

“No! You don't! In no way have you manipulated me." I sighed, nudging him so he would look at me. "You are not a terrible person.” His lip twitched as his eyes moved towards our hands.

“My mother was wrong. You are a good person.”

"Sure." I heard him mutter softly but I chose not to reply, instead, I rested my head on his shoulder. His stance was tense but it soon lessened when he knew I wouldn't move my head.

We simply sat there together, neither of us saying a word. I don't know what it was but it just felt right, being here with him. I think that was the reason I loved being around Gerard...we didn't have to say a word to be comfortable...I didn't have to hide in front of Gerard. I used to think I did but knowing he understood...it made everything so much easier.

“I've only talked to her once, you know...in the hospital..." He sighed as I lifted my head off his shoulder to look at him. He looked so sad, I felt my heart ache for him. I wanted nothing more than to make him smile but I wasn't sure how to console him.

"What did she say?" I whispered, squeezing his hand again.

"She didn't have to say much...she was looking at me like I was some selfish screw up that didn't deserve her help. She was right. I didn't deserve her help.”

“Gerard-”

"She said that I should take some responsibility for my life and stop and I quote - 'putting my family through hell' - The nurses talk so she knew it wasn't my first time in there." He laughed, shrugging his shoulders in dismissal.

"I'm sorry Gerard...she had no right-"

"But she did. That's the thing...everything she said to me that day was true. Everything she's saying to you is true-"

"Not it's not-"

“I'm serious Dakota." He said, exasperated at my responses as he pulled his hand away from my own. I let him, not quite sure how to keep him close to me. My brows furrowed as I waited for him to explain. He shook his head again and continued. "I'm not a nice guy. I'm surprised my mom still even wants me around after what I've put her through...fuck...what I've put Mikey through! Mikey deserves none of this...shit I've put him through.”

His voice raised with each word but I tried to let it go over my head, just praying my dad couldn't hear. Gerard needed to...vent his frustration.

"If you're not a nice guy then why am I here, talking to you now?" He didn't respond, he simply ran a hand through his hair.

“...don't let my mom get to you." I whispered. "I'm here...and...I...”

I didn't know what to say. I couldn't just blurt out, 'I love you'... as much as I wanted to.

“And what?” He muttered, still staring directly at the floor.

“I...I'm here Gerard.” I shrugged, not entirely sure what else to say. “I know I'm probably not a first choice but...like you said...we're friends...you help me and...I hope I help you."

"You help more than you think." I nodded, trying to reign in the smile that was going to break free from my features.

"We had a great day until my mom turned up. Please...don't listen to her.” I responded.

“Things are never going to be easy with our...friendship, are they?” He sighed, a slight smirk appearing as he leant his arms on his knees, leaning forward.

“It just means that we might have to be a bit more conspicuous.”

“You want to keep our friendship hidden?”

“No!” I said a bit too desperately, clinging onto his arm. I looked down at my hands in shock refusing to look at him as I moved my hands away. I heard a distinct chuckle from him.

“I mean...look...my dad doesn't seem to care...considering we're...only friends...and I did warn you about my mom.”

“Yeah.” He laughed, turning to look at me. “You did.”

“I don't even get on with my mom often Gerard...it's a task...She's a task...but I guess it means she cares?" I asked more than stated. My relationship with my mom was complicated and strange. I bet even Meryl wouldn't be able to work it out.

Gerard still was sad, even though he wasn't frowning, I could see it in his eyes.

I didn't know what else to say. I didn't think there was anything else to say so, I stood, placing my hands on my hips as I gazed down at him, my heart hammering in my chest.

He looked beautiful.

“What?” He chuckled looking back at me.

“I'm tired...are you staying here for the night?” He deliberated for a moment and then nodded. “Good.”

After doing my usual routine before bed, even offering a spare toothbrush for Gerard, we settled together on the bed, our legs tangling themselves with one anothers as I rested my head on his chest, hearing the low thump of his steady heartbeat.

Just as I was about to drift off, I heard him whisper "By the way...you're always my first choice Dakota."

Feeling the blush creep onto my cheeks, I snuggled closer into his chest as his grip around me tightened.

"You're mine too." I whispered back.

I really had hoped that Gerard wouldn't let this thing with my mom get to him.

I didn't want him to feel discouraged and stop our friendship. After all, he was the one that was adamant that we should be friends.

Sure, we weren't typical friends and I was, of course, desperately in love with him, but he would never know that. For all I knew he still saw me as Mikey's friend that he felt sorry for.

I didn't know. That was the problem with Gerard. I would never truly know how he felt because he never told me.

And I doubt he ever will.

But that was the last moment that I truly felt as though everything was going to be okay. With Gerard by my side.

I didn't know but things were about to change...

Notes

Hello! It'd been a long time since I wrote anything so I'm sorry if it's not that good. I'm just trying to ease myself back into the story.

I would also like to apologize for those who have been waiting for an update. I really apprectiate the love this story has gotten so thank you. <3