It had been exactly one month since I met the Grandma Way and at this moment, I couldn't fault anything in my life. Well, not when it came to my friends anyway. I felt relaxed, more than I'd ever done since I first arrived and I guess a big part of it was because me and Gerard were in a sound place. It wasn't until things started to come together did I realise how much of my stress came from the fact that Gerard Way was in my life. Not to sound rude or ungrateful for how kind he's been to me this past month but we were still experiencing that – 'I hate you / I love you' kind of relationship where I'd finally come to terms with the fact we were just FRIENDS.

Now however, knowing and truly realising that that was what we were, I wanted him to be more than just a friend to me. I felt split. Right down the middle. On one hand, Gerard and the gang were ruining my original plans to end my life but could I be thankful to them for that? I hadn't been magically cured, don't be deceived, just because I liked a guy or because I had friends, as a lot of the books and movies depict; I was not cured but...I felt calmer.

I wasn't always constantly thinking about killing myself and I didn't hurt myself as frequently which I suppose could be classed as something...good?

In the past month also, Gerard and Ray began to hang around Vee, Frank, Mikey and I a lot more. It was as though it was now a done deal that on the weekend, we'd meet in the pub or at the coffee shop whenever we were free; or hang out at Ray's tiny apartment. I always took the camera Gerard gave me whenever we were out too, now attempting to make my own photo album of my time in New Jersey. They were amazing people so they needed to be remembered by anything or anyone who gets hold of that album.

People could see, for a short time, that I was content but things never seem to last.

I had attended every one of my sessions in that month too, with Gerard right by my side. I felt as though I could do anything with him. Vee had obviously pointed out how Gerard and I act around one another; she said it was like we were joined at the hip and in some sense, we were. Whenever I was with Vee in Art or well, whenever we were alone, she would always bombard me with the exact same question;

“What's going on with you and the Gerard Way?”

And of course, I would always reply with ;

“We're just friends Vee.”

However, considering she knew how I felt about him after my slip up in her bedroom before the party, she certainly didn't believe my response. She told me that I had to tell him how I felt but, I didn't even know how I felt and besides...if I did, he'd probably laugh at me.

Or...completely reject me and stay away from me like a I were a leper.

It would not go well. Besides, I didn't know why I was stressing myself out about it because I wasn't going to tell him. Nothing was going to happen...at all. NOTHING. We were just good friends because we understood each other...kind of.

Normally, without the others, Gerard and I would go and see his grandma which was always fun. I always got this bubble in my chest when he was driving us there; I felt like I was going to see my grandad again. We'd also go for drives and sit on the hood of his car, listening to the radio and we'd just...talk and smoke. We wouldn't talk about anything in particular but he made me laugh. Really laugh. He made me feel as though what I had to say was important and then...he would make me feel...strange. I can't really think of another word to describe it. Just the way he would look at me. His eyes felt too intense, as though he were trying to analyse everything about me.

Whenever I had the chance however, I would look at him. When he was driving was my best opportunity. His nose would scrunch up and he'd pout his lips when he was concentrating, his hair somehow always getting in the way of his eyes. He would always tap to whatever song was playing on the radio against the steering wheel and would smile if I joined in to tap on my knees. He sang, I listened, and if it wasn't raining, he would hang his arm out of the window.

He was definitely someone that I wanted to look at.

Looking back, I'd known him for four months and I used to hate him...now...I was falling for him. Why? I couldn't tell you. He'd only kissed me once and that was to shut me up so there wasn't much there.

Anyway, enough about my sad, pathetic feelings towards someone who will never feel the same; Christmas had come and gone and we were now approaching New Year.

Frank, Mikey and I exchanged presents on Christmas Eve but I didn't see Ray or Gerard. Mikey had said something about them going to a party so I tried to ignore the fact that my heart sunk when I found out Gerard wasn't going to be there. We had a good time nonetheless.

Not a lot happened; it was mainly me and my Dad. It was a depressing time for us however, seeing as my grandad had passed away around the holidays, so for all of Christmas, I was practically holding onto his jumper for dear life. Mom popped in for about an hour or so on the day but then had to leave because she was going to Hugh's families for dinner. Donnie was a no show because he was going to his girlfriends house for the holiday but he gave us a call Christmas morning so weren't too worried. At about three o'clock, I was left alone because my Dad went out with his friends. He offered to take me to the pub with him but I didn't really want to go; I insisted that I would be fine and that I might pop over to the Ways to say 'Merry Christmas' but I never did. I stayed cooped up inside, lying on my bed and holding onto Grandad's jumper, looking through old photo albums which probably wasn't the best idea.

Instead, at some point in the night, Gerard climbed through my window and he stayed over. JUST to sleep. I told him that I was fine and that he should just go home but he'd remembered that I'd lost my grandad around the holidays so he wanted to be around. Also, he spotted the photo album and insisted that I show him my embarrassing childhood pictures which I eventually did, against my will. We both sat on my bed as he made me describe the memories as best I could. It was sweet of him and I wondered sometimes why he made the effort but I was grateful. It was dangerous for me to be by myself for too long...I would think too much.

Gerard had been staying over quite frequently that month which I didn't mind one bit however, he did hog all of the covers. He would normally stay at mine if he'd come home from a party or if he couldn't sleep. Once, I didn't even notice him come in at all.

Now, it was boxing day and we were sitting in our normal coffee shop after Gerard had forced me to go into the photo booth with him. I had stood outside it with the curtain open as he made himself comfortable on the stool, explaining to him that it was one of the weirdest ideas he'd had. I'd lost count how many times he'd rolled his eyes at me in those moments.

“I have a perfectly good camera...one that you gave me!” I'd argued but he wasn't having any of it.

“Just get in Dakota.” He said as he grabbed my wrist and pulled me in with one tug. I stood awkwardly in front of him as he shut the curtain, once more settling himself into the seat. He turned to look at me with a raised eyebrow, as if he were waiting for me to do something. Either my brain was shutting down or I was completely oblivious.

“What?” I had asked.

“Sit down Dee.” He said, as though it were obvious.

“But...you're on the seat.” I replied as I pointed awkwardly at him. He patted his knee then and my heart quickened. I was supposed to sit on his lap. Isn't this what couples do!? My cheeks began to redden and I was at a loss for words. I suddenly wanted to run out of the booth. I felt beyond embarrassed.

In moments like this, where Gerard could make me lose sense, I wish I hated him.

“I don't know...I-I thought we-we were going for coffee?” I stuttered but he simply grabbed my wrist again and pulled me onto his lap as if it were something completely normal...which in my book...it was wasn't. His arm wrapped tight around my waist, I sat a little straighter, trying to distance myself in someway but he pulled me against him so I had to wrap my arm around his shoulders so I didn't look a complete mess.

“Wasn't so hard, was it?” He smirked as he leant us forward to put the money in.

“Shut up.” I muttered.

“Relax, would you?” He laughed.

“I'm trying to!” I half shouted back at him. “Your legs are in the way!” And in that moment, he spread his thighs apart which caused me to drop a little, as he shifted me to one side, his fingers digging into my waist.

“You are so dramatic.”

And so, we proceeded to take the pictures. Half of them, we were pulling funny faces and being completely and utter silly but then his kissed my cheek which caused me to look at him. He looked back at me with a broad grin, his dimples on show and his eyes bright which made me smile back. He was so close to me, I could feel the heat radiating off his skin, and in that moment I knew...

I was in love with him.

I was so in love with him that my heart was beginning to ache at the thought of it. I wanted more.

I was so screwed.

So now as I sit across from him, taking in every single word that he was saying, my heart was aching. I felt sick. I'd never felt like this with anyone...I hated it. I hated every single part of myself for feeling like this...and I hated him too for it! Of course, it wasn't his fault though. He hadn't a clue. I knew he was still going out with other girls, I mean...just the other day, I saw him with someone that Vee had said looked like a date which is why she thinks I should tell him. She could probably see how disappointed I looked whenever I hear about him and other girls.

“Dakota!” Gerard said as he snapped his fingers in front of my face, pulling me from my thought process.

“What?” I replied, swatting his hand away.

“What's the matter with you? You've been in your head all day.” He answered, his brow furrowing.

“Nothing's the matter.” I shrugged as I took my gaze away from his. “I'm just having one of those...days.” It was a terrible excuse, I know. I couldn't tell him that I was sitting across from the guy who I was starting to fall for and he was never going to be there to catch me. He'd never want to speak to me again. I'm just some messed up kid to him.

“You wanna talk about it Dee?” He asked just as he was about to reach his hand forward but I retracted, sitting up in my seat.

“It's nothing, really.” But of course, he didn't believe me. He knew me. He knew what was going on in my mind most of the time before I even knew.

“I thought we'd agreed that to make this friendship work, we would talk.” He chuckled softly. I just wish he would stop looking at me. Soon enough, I'd probably word vomit if he didn't look somewhere else soon.

“There's nothing to talk about.”

“I don't believe you.”

“Well...there isn't so...end of conversation.”

“End of conversation?” He laughed again. “There wasn't a conversation to begin with because your not talking.”

“Gerard, please, just drop it! Nothing is the matter. I'm just tired.” I stressed as a ran my fingers through my hair.

“I know you better than that.” He replied simply which caused me to peak up at him.

“Do you know how annoying you are?” I asked to which he replied with a broad smile, once more showing of his small teeth and dimples.

“It's the charm I think you're confusing annoying with.”

“No. It's definitely that you're annoying.”

“Oh please. If I was so annoying, you wouldn't be sitting across from me now.”

He got me there.

“Shut up.” I huffed as I folded my arms across my chest. He laughed again in triumph.

There was silence between us for some while, a comfortable silence. Gerard and I could just sit and be in each others company. He would normally just sit on my bed whenever I had been doing homework or he'd come and sit next to me on the desk, doodling away at his sketchbook. It was nice having him around...however not whenever it was causing my chest to ache.

There's that damn word again...ache.

“How's your brother?” He asked randomly.

“Fine, I guess.” I replied, confused. “He spent the holidays with his new girlfriend.”

“You meet her yet?” He continued, seeming genuinely interested.

“No...but I'm sure my brothers in love with her.” I laughed, taking a sip from my coffee.

“What makes you say that?” I pondered for a moment.

“It was in his eyes. He couldn't stop smiling whenever we talked about her. He said that she made him feel okay...which...I guess is something everyone wants.” I said, not daring to look at Gerard.

“You happy for him?” He said softly.

“Of course I am.”

“Really?” I looked at him then, confused.

“Yes. Why wouldn't you think I would be?”

“Well...you know, it's nice and all when people find each other and fall in love but it makes the fact that you haven't found that person yet all the more obvious.”

But I had found that person.

He was sitting across from me now.

I wanted to shout - ' But it's you Gerard! I found you!" But I didn't dare.

Never would I say it.

“You can be happy for someone without dragging your shit into it somehow.” I argued.

“Hardly.” He laughed as he took a sip from his drink.

“Have you found that girl then Gerard?” I replied, a little more forceful than I wish I had.

“Yeah.” He answered simply. My heart sunk. So he'd met the girl...the one as some people say.

I wish I wasn't so affected by it but I was...ridiculously so.

“Who is she?” I answered, trying to not sound hurt which made me the most pathetic person in the world at that moment.

“I don't think she even knows that. But I know that she is worth more than she thinks she is.” He said quietly as he picked at the side of his cup.

“Well...how long have you known her?” Shut up Dakota. SHUT UP.

“Not long...but you know...”

“Know what?”

“When you know, you just...know.” He smiled shyly. “But...it wouldn't work out.”

“Why not?” I asked, watching him intently. His eyes met mine and everything slowed. We watched each other, once again, Gerard calculating my every move, trying to figure out whatever was going on inside my mind. He smiled slowly and I thought my heart was going to explode. He exhaled and shook his head.

“I should probably get you home.”

But before I could reply, he stood from his seat and was already slowly making his way out of the coffee shop. I quickly got up to follow him and as I did, he was already at the door, opening it for me, waiting. I looked at him suspiciously, annoyed by his sudden departure from the conversation. I walked out and wrapped my arms around my self as I heard him following me behind. I was such a mess.

I hadn't realised how slow I'd been walking until Gerard came and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, bringing me closer to his body and unconsciously, I leant my head into him, unraveling my arm to put it around his waist.

If anyone were to see us, they'd think we were a couple but I knew, deep down, that we'd never accomplish that. Gerard had told me enough times that he didn't see me that way and of course, that he'd kissed many people. I was just another person to him. He made that abundantly clear. In the coffee shop, he was probably talking about the girl Vee and I saw him having a date with.

As we walked slowly and as we were beginning to prepare ourselves for the snow and cold, I caught something out of the corner of my eye which made me stop in place, causing Gerard to stumble slightly beside me.

“Oh no...” I whispered.

“What?” He asked, confused.

And as I was about to reply, my mother and the horrible Hugh came right into my eye line and her face was far from happy.

“Shit, shit, shit...” I began to panic, unwrapping my arm from Gerard's waist as she was practically storming towards me, Hugh close behind with a smug smile littered on his face. Gerard's arm however was still around me, trying to keep me close so he could understand but he'd think I was being over dramatic. He didn't know my mother like I knew her and I hadn't told him really about Hugh.

I doubt Gerard ever really spoke to him.

“Dakota, what's going on-?”

“Dakota.” My mom suddenly stated, flickering her gaze between Gerard and I. Gerard turned and took a step back, now slowly removing his arm from my shoulders.

"Oh..." He sighed.

“Gerard.” My mom continued, her voice cold.

“Mrs Davis.” Gerard replied, just as curt as she had.

“Hi mom.” I replied meekly. She looked at me then...I saw fire. She was angry. Very angry. This was not going to end well.

"What are you doing here?" Mom said.

“Yeah...I thought you were spending the day with your dad?” Hugh interjected, still with a ghost of a smile on his lips. I narrowed my eyes toward him.

“That's none of your business Hugh-”

“Dakota.” My mom warned. “I thought you were with your dad.”

“Well...I...erm...he...he had...er some things to do...today.” I stuttered pathetically. He was at home, most likely watching football.

“Such as?” My mom continued.

“I dunno...stuff.”

“Which means he's probably down the pub.” Hugh muttered yet still lough enough for me to hear.

“Hey-” I began but my mom cut me off again.

“Where's Mikey?”

“With our grandma.” Gerard answered, subtly placing a hand on the small of my back, trying to calm me down. He could probably see how I tensed at Hugh's voice and how I wanted to rip his head off every time I saw him.

“Well...I thought you would have gone with him.”

Jesus. My mom was judging him. Little did he know was that he was practically there every day.

“I was just on my way. I was gonna drop Dakota home.” Gerard said between his teeth, trying to remain as polite as possible.

“Well I can do that.

“Mom-”

“We were about to go and see Hugh's parents. Maybe you should come too Dakota-”

“I can't.” I stated before she could even finish her sentence. Hugh's parents hated me, like I hated them. They wee snooty, old-fashioned and thought they were better than everyone else. I couldn't stand to be in the same room as them.

“Why not?” My mom countered, raising an eyebrow towards me.

“I have...homework to do.”

“So why were you out here with Gerard?” She smiled unconvincingly, gesturing towards Gerard.

“I had to pick up pens and stuff.” As soon as I said it, I wanted to slap myself. I had nothing to prove that I'd been shopping for the purpose of school.

“Where are they?”

“They didn't have what she wanted.” Gerard added and I could see he too was slapping himself mentally for that response.

“Well...Hugh needs to pick up some things...I can take Dakota home.” My mom said as she took a step forward, reaching out for my arm.

“Really, it's no trouble.” Gerard replied, as I felt him grab at my jacket. My mom really was beginning to make him angry.

“You should go and see your grandma Gerard.” Mom shot back at him. “I can take my daughter home.”

“Mom, please-”

“Come on.” She prompted, linking her arm through mine as she began to drag me away from Gerard.

“I'll see you later then.” Gerard said as he reached out to touch my other arm, but my mom was already at a pace.

“Bye.” I managed just before I was out of earshot. I turned and I could see Hugh talking to Gerard and as he did, Gerard had angrily placed his hands into his pockets as his gaze flickered between me and Hugh. I felt so embarrassed. Hopefully, now Gerard would realise why I didn't think it would be a good idea for him to have met my mom.

“Mom-” I began but she shook her head.

“Wait until the car.”

So, we proceeded to walk in silence, through the heavy snow and the busy crowd towards her beaten up old car. I felt sick.

We didn't actually begin any form of communication until we were close to the house. I could feel the rage from where I was sitting and I was cooped up beside the window.

Why couldn't my mom see that I was happy in Gerard's company?

“We're just friends mom.” I muttered to which she laughed.

“Didn't look like that to me Dakota. I thought I told you to stay away from him and did you listen? No.” She rambled as she rampaged through the streets, being a fairly horrific driver, pissing off many people along the journey. Including me.

“How am I supposed to stay away from him if he's Mikey's brother?”

“That's it. He's Mikey's brother and that's all he should be to you. Not a friend, not a boyfriend-”

“Mom, no-”

“...and certainly someone you shouldn't be hanging around with!”

“He's not a bad guy mom.” I defended, thinking then of the many times that Gerard had pulled me from the suicidal state I was falling into. Again, he hadn't cured me but he was helping. As soon as I'd said the words however, the car came to abrupt stop as she pulled up against the curb, fuming and clutching against the steering wheel.

It was a good two minutes or so before she said anything else.

“Do you know how many times he's been arrested for getting into fights? How many times he's ended up in my A&E with cuts a bruises? The other guy most of the time coming off worse? He has problems Dakota. Before you arrived, do you know how many times I've had to sew up his wrists-?”

“Mom, please.” I began as I felt a tear escape but she wasn't anywhere near finished.

“Do you know the worry he puts Donna through? How selfish he is?” She was shouting now and I knew there was no way to calm her down. “He has a reputation Dakota...you are not special to him. You are just another conquest.”

“MOM!” I shouted back at her but she simply ignored me. I hadn't seen her this angry since she was talking to me in the hospital after my first suicide attempt. I knew all of this. I knew he had a reputation among women, I knew he'd been in fights and that he'd tried to take his own life...but the way my mom was phrasing it made him seem a villain.

“He doesn't care about anything or anyone. He will drop you Dakota-”

“But nothing is going on!”

“Yet! He will trick you in to thinking he cares. He's manipulative.”

“Every bad thing you are saying about him, you might as well say about me. Remember mom, I've done what he has. Hell, I've ended up on a psych ward!”

“You are not like him Dakota...he will ruin you, he will make your progress seem like nothing. You will fall back-”

"Progress?" I laughed. "What progress?"

"Yes Progress!" She shouted again.

“He helps mom, he understands!” She rolled her eyes angrily at me.

“He's pretending! Why can't you see that?”

I knew I meant nothing to him. Nothing more than I wanted him too. I knew that he could easily replace me, I knew I was no good for him but he wasn't the bad guy. He was having a bad life. They were two completely different things and no matter how many times I say it, she will never believe me and never see how he was helping. The idea of her dumbing down Gerard made me sad to the point of tears. You shouldn't be able to disregard another persons life so easily as she does to his. I was never going to win this argument. No matter how many times I defended him. She wouldn't allow me. And Hugh certainly wouldn't let her trust me.

“Dad would understand.” I said, praying then in that moment that he would. He certainly was a more understanding person than my mom.

“We'll see about then, won't we?”

Oh Fuck.

Notes

Thank you for the amazing response again for this story! Here's the next chapter <3