Give Me Hope In The Darkness

The next few days went by and Donnie and I spent as much time as we could together whenever I wasn't in hell...a place better known as school. We went out for dinner as a family, which then caused us to have to try and explain to mom why it was NOT the best idea to bring Hugh; I gave Donnie a tour of the neighborhood and the town, where I went to school and we even then stumbled across where I went to group therapy, but we didn't delve too much into that. I did however moan at him about how mom was forcing me to go but again, he didn't really know how to respond to that and the subject was dropped.

It was as though we'd picked up exactly where we'd left off before I went into hospital and without saying the words, I could see how sorry he was for not coming to see me. I'd forgiven him for not visiting because it was completely uncharted territory for him and he had the stress of college...he was lost in what to do and I sympathised.

Not to mention that not long before, we'd lost our grandad.

If anything, I probably made things a little more difficult for him.

It must have been pretty scary for him to find out that his younger sister was a suicidal mess and that there was nothing he could do to save me from that. My state of mind hadn't changed much from those dark days but I was dealing with life a little better than I had been.

On Monday, I'd told the gang that my brother was down visiting for a few days and they'd insisted on meeting him after school. Annoyingly it was a day were Jason had pushed me into a locker but I didn't tell my brother that; I was frightened that he would tell the parents and things would go tits up but...aside from that, Donnie was genuinely pleased that I'd managed to find a group of decent people who wanted to be around me and he approved of every single one of them which that day, had made my smile brighter.

Vee wouldn't stop going on about how good looking he was which was slightly off putting.

Donnie seemed to make things a little easier when he was here, seeing as though he knew how to calm mom down, and knew how to be civil with Hugh...as much as he hated him.

My brother was perfection. He was kind, funny and caring. He was the ultimate socialite which made him perfect for college.

He was certainly going to go far and I wished him the best in everything that he does or would do.

He probably deserved happiness the most.

He was the glue of the family.

When he was around, he was the one who could keep me relatively sane.

We were sitting in the coffee shop on Wednesday after school and I'd marveled very passionately (as he'd put it) about the drinks there so he was more than eager to see what all the fuss was about. I dragged him over to my usual booth and pretty much forced a hot chocolate down his throat to which he didn't seem to mind, although he did nearly choke on the marshmallow.

I wanted him to approve of everything that was going on in my life and I wasn't entirely sure why.

“So what do you think of my coffee shop?” I asked as I wrapped my hands around the hot cup of chocolate, trying to soothe my frozen fingers from the winter chill.

“Your coffee shop?” Donnie chuckled. “It's better than the ones on campus I guess.” He shrugged, quickly scoping the busy after school rush.

“How is college?”

“It's hard...it can get really frustrating but I guess I'm doing okay. My lectures' haven't moaned about me yet so I suppose that's a success. I think you'd enjoy going to college.”

I laughed and shook my head to his last statement. I laughed for a number of reasons, but most of all, for my dark humour.

I wouldn't be around long enough to go to college.

“No way...I would hate it. I hate any form of education Donnie.”

“But you're independent at college. It's all about you. Not if you can remember a damn criteria for an exam.” He argued. “And besides, people I've spoken to, who do Art say they really find themselves-” I cut him off.

“Donnie, seriously?” I asked incredulously. “They find themselves?”

“They do!” He laughed. “I've a few friends doing art and they love it!”

“Is your girlfriend doing art?”

I saw then, at the mere mention of his girlfriend (of which he had not officially disclosed) he smiled shyly and his eyes shone.

“Girlfriend?” He joked. “I'm not entirely sure what you mean.”

“Oh c'mon...mom said you have a girlfriend and she was over the moon about it.” I shot back. “She's planning the wedding.” I continued to which he rolled his eyes.

“Her names Tara.” He stated simply.

“And...?” I prompted seeing his smile slowly grow bigger.

“And...yes, she does Art.”

“So she's making you see a world in a better light?” I teased.

“She's definitely made my life a hell of a lot better Dee. You shouldn't dismiss positivity so quickly.”

“Oh god...you sound just like mom!” I exclaimed, throwing an empty packet of sugar at him.

“I do not, don't be an idiot.” He laughed, throwing it back at me.

“So what's she like?” I continued, folding my arms onto the table.

“I'm not a girl Dee. Guys don't talk about this kind of stuff.” He laughed, uncomfortable.

“Do you love her?”

“Shut up Dee.” he scolded.

“That's a yes then.” He sighed, shaking his head.

“I dunno...she just makes me feel...okay. We don't have to do anything special...we just hang out.”

“Are you sure she's not a serial killer? I've heard sometimes they seem relatively normal when you meet them.”

“She's not a serial killer Dee. Trust me.” He said impatiently, but I knew he wasn't serious.

“If you say so.” I replied, putting my hands up in defeat to which he smiled at.

He was in love.

So in love.

“I'm happy for you Donnie.” I said sincerely, noticing how his cheeks slightly blushed.

“Thanks Dee. You'd really like her. She likes Adam Ant too.”

“She's a keeper!” I smiled. “If she's got good taste in music, then she's yours for life.”

“That's what Dad said.” He laughed.

I really hoped that my brother was going to remain happy with this girl...whoever she was. I wanted to meet her, the girl who had stolen my brothers heart because I wanted to make sure, before I left that he was happy and secure with someone. I wanted him to have people in his life he could rely on, someone who wouldn't let him down and so far...this Tara seemed to be the ticket to his happiness.

As I was about to continue to tease Donnie about his new found love, I saw his eyes stray away to my right and his expression slightly baffled. I followed his line of sight and my heart began to beat ridiculously in my chest at the sight of him. Gerard, wearing his signature leather jacket, and his hair slightly messy, was holding a cup of coffee to go as he stood staring between Donnie and I, a baffled expression upon his face too.

“Gerard.” I breathed, hoping I didn't sound too over the moon about seeing him.

“Dee.” He smiled, pulling his eyes away from my brother to look at me. I couldn't help but just stare back at him, his eyes seeming to be the brightest thing in the room, something that I didn't not want to look at but the sound of my brother clearing his throat pulled me from my momentary daze, my own cheeks beginning to redden.

“Uh...Gerard, this is my brother Donnie...Donnie, this is Gerard.”

“Oh! Your brother, yeah, I've heard a lot about you. It's nice to meet you.” Gerard beamed suddenly, leaning over to shake Donnie's hand. Still baffled, Donnie placed his hand in Gerard's and nodded slowly.

“Yeah...you too.” He replied as he flickered his gaze to me.

Why was he looking at me like that?

Had mom told Donnie about Gerard? If so, what did she say? Had she made him sound like a villain? Or was it simply because I hadn't mentioned him? I mean, how would I introduce him to my brother – 'Hey, Donnie, this is the guy who I really disliked when I first met but now I want him to kiss me all the time to the point where my lips could fall off!'

No.

You say that to no-one.

Ever.

“So...” Gerard continued when he retrieved his hand. “How long you staying down for?”

“I go back to college tomorrow.” Donnie replied, eyeing Gerard suspiciously. I widened my eyes at him, furrowing my brow in confusion. “You at college?”

“Er...yeah. It's local though.” Donnie nodded, crossing his arms.

“Cool. What are you studying?”

“Art-”

“Interesting.” Donnie mused. “You doing well in it?”

“Donnie-”

“Yeah, I guess.” Gerard replied.

I looked between the both of them, Gerard eyes wandering to meet mine in confusion but I just shot him a quick, awkward smile, not knowing how to explain my brother's strange behavior, the air slowly filling with tension from my brothers side.

“So...erm, Dee, I was wondering on Friday if you wanted to come round? I think the guys are already gonna be there...they might not be but I found a great album I need you to listen to-”

“What's the album?” Donnie asked, sitting a little straighter in his seat.

Oh god.

“Donnie-” I groaned again but he ignored me.

I knew what he was doing.

He was sussing Gerard out.

But there was nothing to suss out!

“Er...” Gerard began, looking at me again. “You remember you were going on about amazing Blur was?”

“Oh yeah.” I answered, shooting another warning look at my brother.

“Well, this band is sort of in that genre of blur so-”

“Don't you have somewhere to be on Friday, Dee?” Donnie butted in. I rolled my eyes. He was talking about group.

Little did he know, it was already planned that Gerard and I were going to go together on Friday.

Oh Donnie.

“I can go afterwards.” I shot at him.

“Are you sure?” Donnie began but I spoke over him.

“Yes.” I said between my teeth. I inhaled a deep breath and turned back to Gerard, hearing my heart beating through my ears. I already knew that the tips of them were bright red. “Sounds good Gerard.”

“Cool.” Gerard beamed, pausing a moment to sip at his coffee. “It's a date-” But as soon as the words left his mouth, he looked at my brother wide-eyed, shooting a sudden awkward smile his way. “I mean...well...okay...I'm just...I'm gonna...go. See you later Dakota.”

“Oka-”

But before he could hear my reply, Gerard had already made a run for it out of the coffee shop. What on earth had just happened?

I turned back to Donnie slowly and he was suddenly once more slouching comfortably in his seat with a triumphant smiling pulling at his lips.

I glared at him.

“What the hell Donnie?” I half shouted which caused him to look startled but nonetheless extremely happy with himself.

“What?” He asked, feigning innocence.

“Don't what me! What the hell was that?”

“What the hell was what? I was just getting to know the guy.” He laughed.

“No, you were interrogating him.”

“I was not!”

“Asking how he was doing in his course? Isn't that what dad's ask?”

“You're being dramatic now Dakota.” He laughed.

“I'm not, why did you do that?!”

“I didn't do anything wrong Dakota...just a little friendly conversation.”

I rolled my eyes at his stubbornness, something that I was doing frequently as slumped down in my seat.

“So...who is he to you?” He suddenly asked. “How do you know him?”

“He's Mikey's brother.” I said simply.

“That's all?”

“He's a friend.” I shrugged.

“A friend? Are you sure? He said date.” He continued, this time eyeing me suspiciously.

“That's just what some people say Donnie.”

“Not something guys say casually.”

“Well Gerard's not like most guys.”

“Every guy is the same Dakota.”

We stopped and stared at each other across the table, both of us holding down our end of whatever argument was happening. I already knew that Donnie was suddenly being the overprotective brother over the potential 'boy' his baby sister could be dating.

But that certainly was not the case. I liked Gerard...He didn't like me like that.

“You probably shouldn't go Friday though.”

“And why not?”

“You've got group Friday...don't you need to have some kind of wind down or weird contemplation after a session?” He asked, speaking in the language of total bullshit.

“That's bollocks and you know it.”

“Your language is still just as wicked!” He joked but I wasn't having it.

“Does mom and dad kno-”

“Donnie...Look...don't go shouting this to the heavens but...Gerard goes to group too.” I sighed which caused Donnie's eyes to go wide and all traces of humour to leave his expression.

“Oh.”

“Yeah...”

“You mean he's-”

“Yes.” I nodded, wishing for the conversation to steer into any other direction than suicide help group that Donnie had just realised that Gerard went to. He seemed very taken aback, suddenly realising that I was still as messed up as when he left me all those months ago.

“Donnie?”

“Hmm...”

“It's not a big deal.” I began but he cut me off.

“Sure.” He laughed humourlessly.

“Donnie...really, it's not.”

We both knew I was lying but this is not a conversation to have casually.

“But...” I continued. “Donnie, you have to promise me not that you won't tell mom that I'm friends with him.”

“Why? What's wrong with him?” He interrogated.

“No” I sighed. “Donnie, there's nothing wrong with him it's just...mom told me to stay away from him.” I continued simply.

“Why did she do that? I know mom's dramatic but she has her reasons.” He said, leaning onto the table. I tried then to think of way to not make it sound as though we were both still extremely suicidal.

“It's because he's...had his issues and I guess mom thought it best that I not...be around...those kinda issues, when I'm trying to get better?” I lied, kind of, hoping my brother could just trust me.

“And are you?” Donnie asked, his eyes suddenly sad.

“Am I what?”

“Better?”

I paused.

I wasn't better.

I never would get better but I can't say that to Donnie.

I can't say that to anyone.

“Gerard's helped.” I shrugged.

“How?”

“Because he understands...on some level.” I explained. “I can talk to him about things.” Lie. I don't tell him any of my problems.

He doesn't tell me any of his.

We both just kinda exist but I have to give Donnie something so that he might calm down.

“Okay...” Donnie said eventually. “I won't tell mom...”

“Thank you-”

“But...if he ever does anything to hurt you, you tell me straight away and I will not hesitate to drive down here and punch him in the face.” I laughed at his sincerity.

“Okay...but he's just a friend.”

“Sure...” Donnie mumured but I chose to ignore it.

It was strange, seeing as I knew that Donnie cared about what happened to me but at the same time, he had his own life to lead and to worry about. Like Gerard...they'll both soon realise I'm not as important as they try and make me out to be.

I'm just someone.

Not really even that.

Just an empty shell.

And it's what I deserved.

Notes

Thank again for the kindness towards the story! You're the best!