I was angry, hurt and most of all confused as I woke up with my head pounding, my eyes sore and my body stiff. I felt awful, absolutely awful and in those moments of agonizing annoyance, it only took me a second to remember (slightly) why I was like this. All I could recover from my memories was that Gerard and I went to the bar after a 'dark' group session (alongside his strange mood swings) but, I think, by my third beer, I lost all sense.

I was with...Ray, yes, Ray and we'd gone over to listen to the band after Gerard had all his attention directed to the red head but...I was drinking...constantly through that.

I licked my dry lips, trying to moisten them as much as possible before I even attempted to make a sound but they just seemed to dry instantly again.

I guess this is what a hangover feels like although I was extremely thankful that I didn't feel nauseous...yet.

I eventually peeled my eyes open only to be met with darkness and without a sense of familiarity. I could only just make out the dark shapes on the floor and along the...desk(?), I think but apart from that...nothing. Pushing back the covers, feeling a tremendous amount of heat, I slowly turned so I was no longer laying on my side, but on my back and a gut-wrenching groan escaped my lips before I could stop it. I could feel the urge to vomit. I threw my hand to cover my mouth as a reflex but nothing came up. Although, before I could do anything, the bed suddenly creaked and shifted beside me and of course, I knew I wasn't alone.

Oh god

Where was I?

It was then, when a sudden fear hit me, a bare arm flew onto my torso and gripped tightly onto my shirt, but it wasn't my shirt...it was too baggy and the material...too soft for my bowie shirt, the one I'd worn yesterday or today. I stiffened, I didn't dare move. I was too worried to even discover who was next to me. Gerard wouldn't have let me do anything stupid last night...would he? I mean, he was fairly drunk himself and...he was being dick.

Mark soon came back with two bottles and slid them towards us as Gerard reached into his back pocket, handing him over the money. Gerard brought the bottle up to his lips, chugging down what I thought was at least half the beer as Mark then continued on with his work.

It was only then had he finally acknowledged me (again).

“What?” He shrugged, looking slightly agitated. I scoffed and rolled my eyes, staring dead ahead. “Oh so we're back to the scoffing.” He whined as he leant forward, bringing his face closer to mine so he didn't have to shout. “Tell me sugar, what have I done now?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing Gerard.” I replied as I took a sip of beer – slightly bitter but another burst of warmth spread through my body. “And stop calling me sugar."

“Fucking whatever...” He muttered as he leant his elbows back on the bar.

I remember that vividly because I was sober at that point.

He was calling me sugar again which he knew I didn't like. I probably wouldn't have minded it if I knew he wasn't using it in the wrong way. He'd called me that the first time we met and I knew then, he didn't like me. But from last night or...earlier today, I wasn't entirely sure anymore.

But then again, Ray was about...maybe he left before...before what? I didn't know, I couldn't remember.

It was then I had to think...maybe it was Gerard or pray that it was Gerard, as annoyed as I was with him, I'd rather be with him than with some stranger.

Holding my breath, I eased the arm off of my torso and luckily, they themselves didn't seem to stir then. When I was finally free of their hold, I kicked the covers off of me and made a move to sit on the edge of the bed. I regretted it as soon as I did as my head began to pound again. If anything, I needed to pass out to feel better but of course, I needed to get home. Who knows? My dad may have decided to stay at home this Friday although it was highly unlikely.

Standing uneasily, I was able to locate my jeans and jacket but not my bowie shirt. I wanted to scream but of course – that would be a terrible idea. Tip-toeing through the messes on the floor, I was able to get close enough to the window to thankfully see my own house and my own window.

So this was Gerard's room.

But I thought he was in the basement?

Why did he bring me here and not just take me home?

I paused again when he moved and murmured something under his breath. It was definitely Gerard. I could only now just register the smell of his cologne.

It didn't matter. I needed to get out of here before he woke up. I felt a flood of embarrassment rush through me as I felt a dawning sense that, I didn't know if I wanted to really talk to him again. I didn't know if he wanted to talk to me.

In theory...I don't think we should ever speak again.

Cringing, as I realized that Gerard would have seen the scars on my thighs...wait, he undressed me! That is wrong. I didn't want him to see the disgusting body I had.

Hopefully he was still drunk when he did it? Maybe he didn't notice? Shaking my head, I began to pull my jeans on quick-ishly to then tip-toe my way out of the room.I couldn't stay here.

I couldn't face Gerard.

Finally escaping the Way household, I ran, well hobbled, my way over to my home, thankful my keys were in my back pocket and forced my way inside quickly. I made my way towards the kitchen to once more see a note from my dad and that it was four o'clock in the morning.

Great.

However, as I then made my way upstairs, the house empty and unwelcoming, I felt another urge hit me and in an uncomfortable situation, I had to run up the rest of the stairs to find the toilet for my stomach to empty it's contents.

---

I woke up only a few hours later, showered and clean but still fuming from Gerard's behavior last night. I had done nothing wrong yet he treated me...i don't even know how to call it. I thought we were past that kind of behavior but maybe...not. Maybe he didn't like me as much as he'd led on?

“If you want to talk about it...you know I'm here.”

I forced my gaze up and I hadn't even noticed that Gerard had shifted around so he was facing me, his arm stretched out across the back of the seat. He didn't say any more but nod slowly, his eyes intense. Bright yet intense however there was something resting within in. He knew I felt awful. He could just sense it. But...this time, he didn't push me to talk. He gave me a weak smile but nothing more.

My chin wobbled as I threw the rest of my cigarette out of the window.I wish I'd gone to him sooner.

I wish I didn't feel this pull to him.

I shifted forward and leant my head onto his arm, exhaling loudly, praying to god that I didn't start crying. I smelt the leather of the jacket, mixed with coffee, cigarettes and his cologne. It was a warm sort of smell, soothing.

He rested his cheek on the top of my head and sighed loudly as well.

He didn't have to say anything. We just sat there.

I didn't know anymore, I just didn't.

Remembering my anti-depressants, I made my way back down stairs in some black jeans and an over-sized grey hoodie and was only just able to keep down a coffee.

I'd only been sick that one time and I was slowly feeling better but it didn't stop me from being cautious about my movements, my stomach felt incredibly sensitive.The phone began to ring but thankfully it went straight to voice mail.

“Hey Dee, it's me. Just wanted to let you know I won't be home until later tonight. I have a few things I need to take care of but I hope your session was okay last night and that you're okay. I trust you and I'm only a phone call away so, if you need anything, call me. Right, well, I'll see you later little one, love you. Bye...”

A little beep indicated the end of the message and I was glad to know my dad was okay although I don't like him being away for so long. He said he trusted me enough to be left alone but it doesn't mean that I actually want to be alone.

Not all the time.

Another hour passed and I'd gotten through a second cup of coffee and a cigarette but my mind was all over the place. Was Gerard my friend? Why was he acting this way? Why was my dad always away? Why did my mum have to cheat on my dad? Where was my brother? Why did my grandad have to die...? It was everything.

I couldn't believe I'd actually woken up beside Gerard and that he'd taken me back to his house. What was he doing to me? Did he want me to be like a yo-yo? What was he gaining from this, truthfully, why did he want to be near me when he had enough female attention from others? He didn't act like a friend...he was inviting to me but then distant. Kind but cruel. He was the light and then the dark but...

I just don't know anymore.

“DAKOTA, OPEN UP!”

The door began to be pounded at and I couldn't help but smile. Oh Vee. It felt like I hadn't seen her in ages when in fact, I'd only just seen her yesterday. Just about able to move off of the sofa, I made my way to the door and just as I opened it wide enough to see her (I thought), a little Frank came crashing in and slammed right into me, causing my balance to waver.

“Jesus, where the hell have you been?” Vee asked as she joined the small group.

“I've been...here.” I replied as I buried my face into Frank's neck as he tightened his grip. I had to admit, it felt good.

“No you haven't.” Frank responded as he pulled back, giving me a look of suspicion. “After half five we came over here to see if you wanted to hang out and well...you weren't here.”

“Oh...yeah, sorry, I had to go to my mum's.” I answered, clearing my throat.I looked between them and they seemed to notice my wariness. However, there was only a heart beat of a pause until they both shrugged their shoulders and accepted my answer...another lie.

“You wanna hang out today then?” Vee asked.

“Yeah, that's sounds good.” I smiled as I invited them in. “Lemme get my shoes.” I went beside the stairs and picked up my sneakers, sitting then on the bottom step to put them on.

“Cool. We were just thinking of going to Mikey's. He's got the house to himself today.” Frank said as he leant against the wall by the door.

“As in...no one else apart from Mikey?” I asked hesitantly.

“Well...yeah.”

“What else would we mean?” Vee replied, raising an eyebrow. “You okay-?”

Easy Dakota.

“Yeah, no I'm good. Ready?”

We made our way over to Mikey's and thankfully he was awake as it had began to rain again. He all welcomed us warmly and told us to just treat everything as it were our own, even offering for us o get whatever we wanted. Instantly, the boys had made their way into the living room and had began to play whatever new video game they had as Vee and I decided to make the coffee.

As the kettle boiled I could sense Vee's eyes on me.

“What?” I asked as I turned to see her watching me with her hands on her hips.

“Oh nothing.” She shrugged.

“Okay...” There was another pause.

“Are you sure you're okay?” She asked.

“Seriously Vee-”

“Why were you so bothered if anyone else was at home with Mikey?” She blurted, but...quietly in a Vee sense. The guys had the TV on way too loud so they probably in fact couldn't hear a word Vee was saying. My eyes widened but thankfully, I was facing the cupboard. How could she sense anything was wrong?

“I wasn't bothered-”

“Yes you were.” she stated.

“Vee, I really wasn't.”

“Well, I beg to differ..is it-” He eyes widened as she pointed at me, her finger shaking, a hint of a smirk on her bright, red lips. “It's Gerard, isn't it?”

“What? Are you crazy?” I laughed uneasily.

“You never sorted out that thing with Gerard, did you?”

“What, of course I did. We all went to the mall together!” I argued.

“Yeah, but you didn't know he was actually here to give us a ride...what's going on with you two-?”

“Woah, Vee-”

“No seriously.”

“Mikey?”

Shit, what the hell?

Why!?

Vee could sense my panic as we both registered Gerard's voice emitting from the hallway.

Can't I get a moments peace without Gerard appearing out of no where - physically and mentally?!

Vee looked at me and smiled devilishly. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

“No.” I mouthed to her.

“What do you mean no? Something's going on...he's been acting weird ever since your first came round.” She whispered with that smile still present on my face. “I can tell.”

“It's nothing to do with me-”

“I'm certain it's everything to do with you!”

“Vee, you're delusional!” I whispered back. “Nothing is going on-”

“Oh sure...”

“Hey.”

Vee and I jolted upright to see Gerard hesitantly walking into the kitchen as a figure moved behind him and into the living room I suppose. Gerard was looking directly at me, his emotion hidden behind his wall, a great big barrier of concealed feelings.

Great, as if that isn't obvious.

“Hey Gerard.” Vee answered, her voice ridiculously high. “You were out early for a Saturday morning.”

“I was looking for something.” Gerard answered, his eyes looking me up and down.

“Did you find it?” Vee continued as she went to get the milk out of the fridge and the spoon from my hand.

“Just about.” He replied, shrugging off his jacket and placing it on the kitchen chair. I wanted to avert my eyes but I couldn't stop looking at him. He looked awful, maybe as hungover as I was. “How are you?” He asked, his voice soft.

“I'm good.” Vee replied as she placed a coffee into my hands.

“Thanks.” I muttered.

“You're welcome.” She smiled (oh dear). “You okay? You seem as though you've been in a good mood recently.” Vee continued to pry.

“I'm fine.” He answered, a little bemused. (Of course 'i'm fine' meant the exact opposite).

“Well that's good.” She nodded, giving me a wink.

What the hell Vee?

“I'm just gonna go into the living room.” She continued, picking up the three coffees. “See you in there Dee.”

And then she was gone.

I stood there awkwardly, sipping at my scalding coffee, wondering whether or not I should go into the living room but Gerard had approached me and was now leaning against the counter, his hair a little greasy and his eyes bloodshot.

“You look like shit.” I murmured against my mug.

“Thanks.” He chuckled, pushing back the hair from his face.

“You're welcome.”

He rubbed his face and groaned, his nose slightly blocked.

“Are you okay?” He asked again softly.

“I don't know.” I replied.

“I thought you'd ran off again...I went looking for you this morning.”

“I just went home.” I shrugged, taking another glance at him.

“Well...I thought, well because last night...” He sighed and shook his head. “Dakota, I'm so sorry. I was such a dick-”

“It's fine Gerard.”

“But it's not.” He stated. “I had no right to treat you as I did-”

“It happened. Just forget it.”

“No. I won't forget it. I need to apologise profusely about everything. Me and drink just...”

“Please Gerard, I feel like shit and I don't want to talk about it.” I whispered to him, double checking through the archway to see if anyone was listening.

“Well I do.” He whispered back, his emtion completely covered again.

Why did our conversations always seem to be about so much more than the initial situation?

“Fine, about last night. You shouldn't have undressed me.” I said, my eyes squinting.

“I was...wait, what?” He paused, taking another step towards me.

“Last night, you put me to bed. You had no right to undress me.” I defended.

“Jesus Dakota. Your shirt was covered in vomit.” He laughed. Oh.

“Don't laugh Gerard!...And, and we - we didn't do anything-”

“I told you, I don't see you like that.” He stated however his eyes flickered down to my lips which caused me to take another step back.

Why didn't that make me feel any better?

“Right well, I'm going to go into the living room-”

“We need to talk this out-”

“No, we don't.” I argued with a humourless laugh. “Look Gerard, I don't think-”

“You don't think what?” He asked, reaching out for my arm.

“It doesn't matter-”

“Please.”

“Hey Gerard.” Mikey said, walking into the kitchen, oblvious to the tension in the air. What was it with people just walking in randomly this morning?

“Hey Mikes.” Gerard answered, taking a step away from me.

“Where were you this morning?” Mikey asked as he went to the cupboard, picking out some oreos.

“Just looking for something...and...I needed to clear my head.”

“Ray said you guys went out.” Mikey continued, pushing up his glasses. “How's the hangover?”

“It's near non-existent.” Gerard chuckled as Mikey patted his back.

“That's good. See you guys in there.”

And then Mikey was gone.

Weird.

“I told Mikey.” I cautiously turned towards Gerard.

“You told Mikey what?”

“That we've been hanging out and stuff.” He shrugged as he took the coffee out of my hands and drank from it.

“There's nothing to talk about.” I answered, taking my coffee back. “You didn't tell him about group-?”

“I'm not stupid Dakota.” He rolled his eyes.

“I never said you were.”

“I know you didn't.” He replied. “Look, can we...go somewhere more private and-”

“I don't think that's a good idea.”

“Dakota please-”

But I managed to leave the room and become insight of Vee before Gerard could grab my arm and force me to talk to him. Like I said, I don't know how he does it, but he's able to get every little bit of emotion out of me.

“You okay?” Vee whispered as I sat down beside her.

“I'm fine.”

But of course, I wasn't.

Notes

Hey my lovely readers! Thank you so much for your kind comments! I'm so humbled. Here's the next chapter however I'm not enirely happy with it but I may re-write it.

I hope you guys are okay and thank you again!!