The temperature had significantly dropped in the past couple of weeks, the winter chill truly making itself known to us. It was strange, seeing as though it was only nearing the end of October but it was freezing none the less. I attempted and failed to keep myself warm by wearing my thick black coat and trying to stay inside as much as possible but the guys wanted to hang out all the time. At the same time, it didn't bother me. It kept my mind off of things, a lot of things, especially Gerard. I hadn't spoken to him in two weeks. I'd managed to avoid going to group and to not go over to Mikey's if I knew he was going to be there. I didn't know if it was for the best but I still did it. It was weird though, not talking to him I mean.

It was my kind of solace I suppose but the last time I saw him was a horrible experience.

I'd ended up emptying my stomach contents into the toilet.

I still didn't understand my feelings towards him. He didn't seem to be my friend but that's what he claimed we were. I felt as though we were sometimes more or just simple acquaintances. I'd spoken to him about private things but, I didn't feel as though I could keep doing that. I know I keep repeating myself about it but it was constantly there. The uncertainty. The fact he told Mikey that we were hanging out freaked me a little. How much had he told Mikey? If he told Mikey everything then well, I'll give credit to him. Mikey can keep a secret. But Gerard promised me that he didn't say a word apart from we'd had a few coffee's together. I don't know what to believe.

I don't know if I should trust anyone.

I missed him though.

Of course high school wasn't a big help. Monica had given me a few extra bruises which my dad had seen. I told him i'd fallen over but of course, he didn't believe me. He called my mum and it all kinda went out of control from there. It resulted in me hurting myself again that night.

I still haven't completely forgiven my mother for hitting me but, I can see why she did it. I was rude, cruel even to her and the man she loved (which angered me) but, what can I do?

Nothing.

If anything, I probably deserved it.

Vee and I were walking home from school, Mikey seeing his grandma and Frankie having to go home early. It was nice, just us girls for a change but she kept asking about Gerard. I kept having to tell her what Gerard had told Mikey but she didn't buy it.

She kept repeating - “But he's mood suddenly gone from an all down low to an all time high!” or “Maybe you're more than you think you are to him...”

She'd make a pretty good reporter by the amount of questioning she gives me but it needs to stop. It stresses me out way too much. Of course I wasn't anything special to Gerard, how could I be? I'd done nothing to deserve anything like that.

I wish Grandpa was still here.

“So what are you gonna get Frankie?” She asked casually once I'd refused to tell her any more about Gerard than I needed to.

“What do you mean?” I questioned.

“It's his birthday this Friday.” She said matter of factually. I froze. She looked at me confused. “He didn't tell you?”

“No...” I sighed. “Shit.”

“Wow, well, I'll give him credit. He's normally 'my birthday this' and 'my birthday that.” Vee chuckled.

“So, why didn't he say anything?”

“Oh, well, you see, we made a bet with him. I guess I'm gonna have to pay up. Basically, I bet him that he couldn't not say anything about his birthday seeing as it's also his favourite time of year.”

“Halloween.” I sighed.

“Yeah.” She smiled. “He's having a party at his cousins house.”

“Will I have to dress up?” I cringed. I liked Halloween but it was an effort, I'll tell you that.

“Not if you don't want to.” She shrugged. “He probably will though.”

“Oh...so why at his cousins house?”

“It's bigger, usually cleaner and all that. You know, college guys will probably turn up!”

“Oh god Vee.”I chuckled, linking my arm through hers as we carried onto my house.

She didn't stay long but we still managed to have a nice chat before my dad came home for a change. He didn't go out at all which surprised me. We had dinner together and I asked him if I could borrow some money for Frankie's birthday on Friday. He obliged and offered to take me to town for lunch the following day (which was Thursday). I said no, but would probably skip school so I could find him something suitable (music related of course).

God, I wish Frankie had said something about his birthday.

---

By the time Friday came about, I'd managed to find him a vinyl he had been looking for, for months and a black hoodie with a skull image placed onto the chest. Mikey, Vee and I all gave him his presents at lunch and I was so relieved he liked what I'd found him. He was actually quite difficult to buy for.

School rushed by however, I ignored the fact I was pushed into a bunch of lockers - aside from that I escaped pretty much unscathed. Frankie said to be at the house by 7 which was a relief. It meant I could relax before I had to put a smile on my face. Of course, I wasn't going to go to group but I wondered if Gerard still turned up.

I hated it there.

And I hated the way he made me feel. His hazel eyes softening to nearly every word I said, or the gentle touches or embraces he gave me; the words of encouragement.

Dammit Gerard.

STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

I'm overreacting, surely?

'We stared at each other, only a moment or so but it made me uncomfortable. It was as though Gerard was trying to see right through me, discover everything about me in that one moment. The only times we'd really talked was when I was either abandoned, crying or had been beaten black and blue. Why on earth did he still want to talk to me?“You need to stop running from me Dakota.”'

He made me want to run.

---

“This is gonna be awesome!” Mikey said, punching his arms into the air. “We haven't had a good party since New years.”
“I know, I can't wait!” Vee followed, racing a head with Mikey.

I liked seeing the guys happy. It made me happy, or content to some extent. It seemed as though they were just as excited as Frank was for his birthday.
I wish I was.

My dad didn't give me any instruction to what time I could be home – all he said was to be careful and to always be by someone's side that I knew. (It obviously meant he was going out tonight). I wanted him to be social and have fun but I still missed him.

Stop thinking about everything Dakota.

As we rounded the corner to the address Frank gave us, already we could see the house was jam packed with music roaring from inside. The typical red cups were already scattered around the lawn and people were swaying, either because they were drunk or they were half drinking. I'd never seen so many people at one house before.

It was scary to say the least.

“Woah.” Vee muttered.

We all stood in a row, exchanged glances and made a run for it inside.

The door was open and people filled the hallway and kitchen from what I could see. They all looked significantly older than us so Vee wasn't joking. She'd explained to me that Frankie's cousin was in college, the same year as Gerard, so it seemed to make sense as to why they would turn up.

Vee grabbed my hand and led us all straight into the kitchen. I stood a little awkwardly, politely smiling to people I'd made eye contact with and suddenly a drink was in my hand and Frank was standing in front of us, dressed in a skeleton onesie. I beamed at him, shaking my head and gave him a one armed hug.

“Happy Birthday Frankie...again.” I chuckled.

“Thanks Dee.” He spoke loudly. “Drink away and be merry!”

“I'll try.” I answered patting his back.

“THERE WILL BE NO TRYING!” He exclaimed, acting dramatically offended. “You will be merry, even if I have to make you!”

“Okay.” I smiled again. “Seeing as it is your birthday.”

“Damn right it is!” He shouted, taking a swig of his drink as he turned to talk to the others. We all conversed in a crazy conversation to which I was half paying attention to but nonetheless happy to be apart of. Mikey and Frank talked about video games while Vee persistently told the to - “Shut the fuck up!”.

Honestly, these guys would be exactly the same if I weren't here.

I'm just an image sometimes.

Fuck sake Dakota.

We soon moved into the living room where people were mosh pitting and going crazy to alongside the music. Is that what your average party is like? I had no idea but I couldn't stop having to move out of the way of people nearly trampling me. Halloween and birthday decorations were placed everywhere – party poppers, balloons filling the whole house.

It seemed his cousin had made a real effort.

Eventually Vee and Frank joined the mosh pit, going absolutely crazy along side everyone else while Mikey and I stayed near the archway, drinking and continuing our long lasting argument as to what was David Bowie's best song. I still think I was winning although of course, he thought different. His mood changed only a little while the music had died down, he seemed to go from 'jokey' (if that even is a word) to slightly serious.

“What's up Mikes?” I asked brightly, trying to keep the mood light.

He sighed before answering.

“It's just...I wanted to say thank you.” He smiled shyly.

“Why?” I chuckled. “What have I done?”

“Thank you for my brother.”

Oh

Well I wasn't expecting that.

Especially seeing as though neither of us talk about Gerard.

And because I didn't want to think about him.

How much had Gerard told Mikey?

“I haven't done anything Mikes.” I replied.

“You have though!” He exclaimed, slightly drunk (although of course that was the only reason he'd brought it up).

“Since you came along, well after that little weird spat you guys had, he's been doing a lot better. He's been brighter. I know you guys just went for coffee and few times but honestly, your a good friend to him. He says that you understand him-”

“Mikey, I don't understand Gerard at all.” I laughed.

“But you understand him on a level I can't.” He countered.

“What do you mean?”

“He said you'd had a tough time.” My eyes widened in horror. Gerard had obviously mentioned much more than he said he had. Mikey noticed my expression and immediately began to speak.

“I swear, that's all he said Dakota, he didn't go into specifics. He actually said he didn't know the specific's but...I just wanted to say, I'm here if you want to talk. I'm a good listener.” He smiled again. “God knows you listen to all of our problems.”

I smiled sadly at him, placing an arm on his shoulder. “Thanks Mikey but, I'm okay.” I lied.

“I know you are. You'll get there Dakota. I'm sure of it.”

We'd been there about an hour or so, Frank running off every now and then to speak to other people he knew, Vee dancing with college guys who seemed to be completely besotted by her (she was beautiful) and Mikey even taking to a few new people. I recognized one girl from our year (Kate) and she seemed pretty interested in him. Every time his eyes would wonder the room and catch mine, I would give him a thumbs up for encouragement. God knows Mikey deserved a little something after all the shit he went through with Monica. By the time we'd somehow regrouped, Mikey began questioning Frank about a certain someone I didn't want to think about anymore.

“Have you seen my brother yet?” Mikey suddenly asked which snapped my attention back to reality.

“Yeah, he was outside not long ago with Ray but I don't know where he is now.” Frankie slurred as he wrapped an arm about Mikey's shoulders. It seemed all of us were now at a stage of nearly falling over. “I didn't think he would turn up!”

“Neither did I!” Mikey chuckled. “I wonder what his change of heart was.”

“I bet I can guess.” Vee giggled as she conspicuously turned to look at me.

“What-?” Frankie and Mikey began but I cut them off before they could interrogate me.

“I'm gonna go for a cigarette. I'll come back and find you.” And before they could answer, I was already making my way outside of the house, towards the large oak tree that twinkled with fairy lights, covering nearly every branch that surrounded it.

I felt wary now, every now and then checking behind my shoulder as I lit my cigarette, to see if Gerard would just pop up. He usually appeared out of the blue but I was really hoping he wouldn't. Of course, I was wrong.

“Fancy seeing you here.” I turned, shocked (even though I shouldn't have been) to find him leaning against the tree casually, as though he hadn't scared me. He smiled that crooked smile that at most would make my cheeks turn bright red but I kept my blush under control – at most, I could blame it on the alcohol.

“Ha.” I replied, unenthusiastically. He smiled again and made his way towards me.

“How's little Dakota?” He asked cooly. I raised an eyebrow at him.

“Fine. You?” I replied curtly. I was still upset with him.

“I'm grand, just existing...in this wonderful world.” He replied, gesturing with his arms to the space around us. “However, it seems you've been avoiding me.” My eyes widened slightly. Of course I was, but I couldn't tell him that.

“I've...No, I haven't. I've...just been busy.” I stuttered.

“Busy my ass.” He scoffed.

“I have.” I argued.

“Sure and I'm the president of the united states.”

“I don't need your sarcasm right now Gerard.” I sighed, inching away from him as I brushed my hair back.

“Just pointing out the obvious here.” He replied as he took the cigarette from my hand and began to puff away at it.

“Sure, you can have some of my cigarette.” I rolled my eyes.

“Why thank you.” He chuckled but paused, shuffled his feet and looked down at the ground. “But seriously, how have you been?”

“Fine, I told you.”

“Fine is a very dangerous word Dakota because it normally means the opposite, especially if you're the one saying it.” He answered, leaning forward again.

“And you know me so well?” I asked, crossing my arms.

“Of course. I probably know you better than you do.”

“I hardly believe that.”

“You never have any faith in anyone Dee. It hurts you know.” He said, placing a hand on his chest, his voice sarcastic again.

“It's not intended.” I replied with a shrug of my shoulders. He looked at me again, his eyes sad but brightened with the reflections of the fairy lights. He looked...rather angelic-

“You can have faith in me you know.” He whispered, his face completely serious. My heart stopped. I hadn't realised how close he was to me, his lips literally just inches from my own. I could feel his breath circling my them, my head slightly dizzy from the alcohol.

“I already told you. You don't want my problems in your life.” I whispered back.

“And I told you, I couldn't care less if you think that.” He replied.

I groaned in annoyance.

“What do you want from me Gerard?” I took my cigarette back from him and stared him straight in the eyes.

“Do I really have to keep repeating myself?” He chuckled. “Your my friend-”

“I sure as hell wasn't your friend the last time I saw you.”

“And I told you, I wanted to talk to you about. I apologised. I told you, drink and me don't get on.” He argued, his voice hard and filled with frustration.

“It's still no excuse.”

He sighed, straightened his back and watched me warily.

“Well, what do I need to do? What do I need to do Dakota?”

“You don't need to do anything for me Gerard.”

“I'm tired of not knowing.” He sighed again, his eyes suddenly sad once more.

“Maybe I'm not good company to keep then.” I replied with a small shrug.

“Dakota-” He murmured as he stepped closer to me.

“I mean it Gerard...what is...? What exactly are we-”

“Listen to me...” He smiled briefly but I kept talking.

“I mean, I'm not a good person, not a good friend or anything like that....you'd do better without me-”

Before I could even finish, his hands cradled my face as delicately as they could as his mouth claimed mine, with a deep passion that knocked me breathless. His lips were soft, delicate and I felt as though I were to faint from the impact. His fringe tickled my forehead, as his fingers moved to the back of my neck, deepening the kiss. I didn't know what I was doing. I was frozen, my eyes automatically shutting in an attempt to keep myself sane as my hands gripped his upper arms for support.

I felt alive. The most alive i'd ever felt in my short life.

My mind was blank.

I only felt fire.

He stayed there until the song ended with it's sweet final tune, and his lips eventually left mine but stayed tantalizingly close. His breath was once more stroking my lips, his nose rubbing mine slightly as his hands moved down to rest at the bend between my shoulder and my neck. I slowly opened my eyes and was met with the brightest brown eyes I'd seen yet from him. They were ablaze with something I couldn't put my finger on. My brow furrowed, confused as to what on earth had just happened.

He laughed, breathless.

“If I'd known this was going to keep you quiet, I would have done it a long time ago.” he murmured against my lips, kissing them softly again.

“Dakota?” He asked, his voice wary.

“I...” I breathed but nothing could come out.

I was in shock.

Gerard was my first kiss.

Gerard Way kissed me. Why had Gerard just kissed me?
“I should probably go inside.” I whispered.

“Do you want to be away from me that much?” He asked, slightly hurt, as he pulled his face inches away from my own.

“No...I...”I whispered again at a loss for words. “I don't know what to do.”

“About what?” He asked, bemused as he pushed a strand of hair back from my face.

“I...I need to think.” I answered, gently pushing his hands away from me.

“Dakota...”

“Please, can you...erm...”I stumbled as I held his hands. However his hold was stronger than mine and slowly, they moved down to my waist which of course made my heart stop again.

“Give me time...” I mumbled as I began to walk away but he held me tight.

“Dakota, talk to me...”

“I've got to see Frank.” I said as an excuse. “It is his birthday after all.” I chuckled awkwardly. He paused and watched me for what felt like an eternity.

“Okay...” he said warily, removing his hands from my waist.

“Okay.”
I sighed in relief, slowly turning away from him.
“Leave your window open tonight.” He called out over the music once I'd moved away from him.

“I don't think that's a good idea.” I began but he smiled devilishly at me.

“Just to talk. I promise.”

Notes

I'm so sorry it's a late update guys but I hope you enjoy it! Thank you again for all you wonderful readers and subscribers...It means a lot!! <3