Give Me Hope In The Darkness

My 'good mood' seemingly lasted longer than I'd expected it too. I went into my room, instantly to look out of the window once Gerard had dropped me off however his car had disappeared. I just caught his faint brake lights down the other end of our street. My heart sunk slightly but I soon looked past it. Gerard was the one who'd brought out this good mood and I was thankful to him, probably the first time I'd ever been thankful towards him in the short time we'd known each other. I didn't think I could ever be thankful for someone ever again.

I wasn't quite sure why he kept referring to himself as a 'horrible human being' because he wasn't. To me, he was protecting Mikey and actually giving me the time of day. That is the complete opposite of being a horrible human being. He was just confusing.

Finding out what Monica had done to Mikey broke my heart. No wonder he spoke so vehemently about her and of course the others. Why had she treated him with so much cruelty? Gerard had stated that they'll never know but of course, I was curious again. I don't think I could ask Gerard any more about it. For all I know he may throw a 'hissy' fit and stop talking to me altogether . Of course I couldn't speak to Frank or Vee about it either, then they'd tell Mikey I know. If they really wanted me to know about it, they would have told me by now themselves. In some sense, it must be extremely humiliating for Mikey to have to see her everyday. Maybe he wasn't over it? Over her?

I almost felt guilty about knowing the problem but, I can now understand why Gerard was so wary of me to begin with. It was his defense mechanism. He was just protecting Mikey and most likely the others. (Again, there was nothing horrible about that.) He was slowly redeeming himself although not altogether forgiven. I still didn't trust myself around him. I had to keep my wits about me. For all I know, once he knows every thing, he'll disappear from my life forever and I wasn't sure I could handle that.

In the back of my mind, I don't think I minded that smirk of his anymore.

I suppose in some sense I felt guilty talking about my grandfather also. I'd said to myself that I would only keep his memory and the pain of losing him to myself. It was such a small mention but it meant a lot to me. I didn't want to get into the specific's with him and (again) I was thankful that he didn't push me. Maybe he was finally understanding me? Of course, there was only about 1% chance of that because...I didn't understand it myself but...I suppose it was, progress?

At about half four, Mikey came over with the guys to check on me. I'd told them what Gerard told me to say and they seemed to believe it. I'd invited them inside and we hung around drinking coffee and talking. It was nice. It felt normal. Nothing had felt that normal in a long time.

“You seem to be in a good mood today.” Frank pointed out which made my smile even wider. I didn't tell them the reason. I'm not sure why but I wanted to keep it to myself. At least for now.

“It's probably because she took the day off...away from the horror's of high school.” Vee commented. She wasn't wrong of course but really...it was because of Gerard.

I wondered if Gerard had mentioned anything to Mikey about our strange friendship. It didn't seem as though he had since Mikey had said nothing about it but, I already knew about the 'secret' he was keeping from me. He was under no obligation to tell me of course but...since they're my 'friends', I definitely want to help them. They just don't need to know about my problems...and neither does Gerard, as much as he thinks he does. Nonetheless, Mikey seemed pleased by my good mood, no matter the reason.

“Was school okay?” I asked.

“Same old really.” Vee shrugged. “But I'm mad you weren't there to help me in art.” She pouted.

“She's not your slave Vee!” Mikey laughed.

She shrugged. “At least she actually helps me instead of Gerard just telling me to do my own work...”

“It is your work!"

"Pish, posh..."

"Pish posh? Who the hell even says pish, posh?" Frank interjected, his eyes wide in confusion.

"Shut up Frankie." Vee complained as she flicked her hair behind her shoulder.

"But..." Mikey began. "...speaking of Gerard...he's actually been in a good mood recently.” He said, his eyes flickering between us all. “It's weird. He actually hugged my mum today and...smiled just before we came over here...he hasn't been like that in ages.” Vee and Frank nodded in unison.

Was Gerard really always in the foul mood that they described him with?

“You mean, he never smiles?" I asked.

"Barely ever!"

"That's good though, right? That he's doing all this now?”

“Yeah...it's just...weird.”

"And he offered me a cigarette last weekend!" Frank added.

"Right...and gave us a trip to the mall. Somethings up with him Mikes." Vee pondered."He's being...nice." I couldn't help but chuckle at all their confused faces. What really was going on with Gerard, to make the guys think...logically into it?

"Does he have a permanent fuck buddy now?"

Oh.

"Vee!" Mikey complained, covering his ears.

"Oh grow up Mikey! Seriously, maybe he's decided to...settle or something? Or he's just getting more action..."

"I'm not carrying on this conversation."

“I am!" She continued. "Has been going out a lot more?"

"No more than usual now please...Vee-"

"Who knows, Gerard might want to hang out with us this weekend!” Frank beamed. He'd really taken a liking to Gerard. In fairness...Gerard was pretty cool, being the mysterious older brother and all. I'm not quite sure how it works out but it seems logical. When I'd seen Gerard for the first time, I felt instantly drawn to him. There was just...something about him...

“Don't get ahead yourself...but-"

"Don't even finish that sentence Vee." Mikey warned.

"Fine." She huffed. "You know, I'm still mad at you Dakota.” Vee sniffled dramatically.

“I'm sorry.” I answered with a chuckle, wrapping my arm about her shoulders. She pretended to keep sniffling which only caused the guys to start laughing. They really weren't overreacting when they said Vee was dramatic.

“Ah, hell. I forgive you...you were ill and all...” She waved her hand dismissively, nearly hitting Frankie in the process. I did feel a little guilty about that now but Mikey soon steered the conversation away.

“On the flip side though...you have no new bruises.”

“That's true!”

“They must have realized how awesome I am.” Frank sighed contently.

“Get over yourself!” Vee retorted, pushing Frankie off his chair and right onto the floor. He seemed shocked at first but he suddenly burst out into a state of giggles. Soon, we all followed.

Once they left about an hour later, a few more surprising bursts of laughter attacking us, I carried on with my sketches throughout the late afternoon however sooner or later, I found myself curled up under my sheets, holding tightly onto my grandfather's jumper as I listened to the soothing voice of Stevie Nicks. For once, I didn't feel like I was going break down. I didn't have the urge to hurt myself. How could that feeling change in just less than twenty four hours?

I felt as though I were upon a cloud, just floating and a little light headed. What on earth was going on inside my mind? Too many things but at the same time...nothing at all.

My good mood didn't last the entire day sadly. When eight o'clock came by, my mother had knocked on the door. My dad wasn't home, he was doing a late night shop but against my will, I let her inside as she stood on the step, fairly on edge.

"Can I come in?"

I didn't say anything to her as I went into the kitchen and began making the tea, leaving her to shut the door behind us.

As angry as I was with her, I wasn't a complete asshole...you know, all the time.

We sat across from each other, my fingers bouncing on the mug as I felt her staring at me. I didn't really want to speak first, seeing as though I'd done nothing wrong. She was dressed prim and proper, not a crease to be seen and her hair done up miraculously. She looked as though she'd slept contently all the same the night before.

She looked stress-free. The complete opposite to me.

She honestly can't be that surprised why I'm on anti-depressants.

She eventually spoke first.

“How are you?" I shrugged. "School?” Her smile was wide but forced.

“Fine.” She looked at me expectantly, hoping I'd say more but I didn't need to. I didn't want to.

"Meet any new people?"

"I've been there three weeks mum. There is no one else to meet."

"So...no boys-?"

"Mum, are we really going to talk about that!?" I blushed.

"I was just wondering Dee..." She murmured.

I couldn't stop the mental image of Gerard coming to mind. His smirk, his vibrant eyes...his voice. Woah. He shouldn't come to mind. He just shouldn't.

Snap out of it.

I felt rebellious surge explode inside of me, having hung around Gerard when my mother specifically told me not to. It was a strange sensation which made butterflies attack my stomach.

Stop it.

But that sensation couldn't hold down the anger I still felt. Did she really want to talk about boys at a time like this?

She sighed. “Did your dad tell you I was going to come over?”

“Yep.”

She paused. “Do you want to talk?” I shrugged. “Dakota your going to have to give me a little more than that.”

“Why? Your the one in the wrong.” She held her head in hands as she gave a small, muffled scream.

“I am sorry Dakota. I never meant to hit you...you were just attacking me with all these accusations-”

“But there not accusations because there the truth mum.” That silenced her. “You had an affair with a married man. While you were married and had a family of your own.”

“I know.”

“Don't you at least feel a little bit bad about that?” She rolled her eyes.

“Of course I do. But I wasn't happy Dee.”

“That's no reason to cheat on someone who loved you. He never abused you, left you to fend for yourself...?”

“No but-”

“So it's no excuse mum. You sound as though you were just bored.”

"For goodness sake."

"For goodness sake what mum? Do you see that your in the wrong now?" I hoped I was finally getting through to her. She needed to know the severity on her part. She had to understand. It was strange. In the past year, when speaking to my mother, I felt like the adult. She was naive and acting childish. I needed her to understand.

It seemed like it until she said this.

“I'm so much happier now than I was with your father Dee.”

My heart sunk. I hated it. I hated everything about this situation. My father was a good man. No one could take that away from him. Not even my mother. I stared at her, crossing my arms and leaning back into my chair.

“I guess your happy since you don't have to deal with a messed up daughter either.”

She didn't comment. She was admitting the truth with her silence. She acted happy whenever Donnie was around but I supposed I had to get the 'reality check'.

She leaned forward on the table and spoke slowly, quietly.

“I didn't know what to do. You were unhappy Dakota and at that point, you didn't know anything about Hugh. You've been unhappy for years. How is that supposed to make me feel?”

“Am I supposed to feel sorry for you now?”

“No...but I'd like some consideration on your part.”

“Some consideration?” I laughed.

“Yes.”

I rolled my eyes. What good was this talking going to do? We'd just go around in circles. She didn't care. She didn't want me anymore.

“Agree to disagree?” She continued.

“Agree to disagree? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“You've been around your father too much.” She scolded, exasperated.

“That's because you pissed off and left us behind!” She stared at me, no hint of regret in her eyes. There was barely any emotion in them at all.

“I love you Dakota. Your my daughter but right now, I really don't think it's good for us to speak to each other when your in this temper...”

“You put me in this temper.” I muttered and was thankful she didn't hear me.

“...I'm sorry for slapping you Dee. You didn't deserve that.” She slowly stood from her place at the table and came towards me. She placed her hand on the side of my face and kissed the top of my head. I was too angry to do anything except sit there.

“I'll see myself out...I'm working the next few days but...good luck with group on Friday.” She picked up her bag and began to walk towards the front door.

“I love you Dee.”

“Bye.” I said, moving my gaze away from her and to a spot on the table which suddenly seemed so interesting.

Not even thirty seconds later, I heard the front door shut and the sound of an engine come to life. It took nearly all of me not to burst into tears out of frustration.

Was I a horrible daughter? Is that what she thought of me?

She must have...she had to.

Dammit.

I wanted Gerard.

Notes

Hey, sorry this chapter is pretty short. It's more of a filler really...

Thank you for all the comments and subscribers. I wish I could hug you all!

Take care :)