My father came home only about twenty minutes after my mother left that Wednesday night but we didn't have to say much to each other. He was aware of my decline but he chose not to point it out. That would only stress me out more. He'd mentioned, in passing that, if things were getting worse, I should find him so he could get me help, for example, a psych ward most likely which is why, I would keep everything to myself. I was not going back there. I'd only spent a month in there but it felt like an eternity, a never ending glimpse into hell. The staff weren't horrible, they were far from it but they spoke down to me, as though I were a child, a delicate, fragile thing. They left me to my own thoughts which made it even worse.

I soon learnt to act as though I were okay. No more crying. No more outbursts. Just the occasional smile which surprisingly worked. If I didn't, I'd probably still be there.

I went to bed, drained, as my father found his usual place on the sofa. I needed space away. He knew I was still angry and that there was nothing that could be done about it. Not unless my mother changed her attitude. She painted herself as a saint, she always had, and after the divorce, belittled my father and sometimes her own children. Hugh had changed her for the worst. I couldn't recognize her anymore. I didn't see the loving mother I'd grown to love and aspire to be like.

She just wasn't there anymore.

She's just...disappeared along with any hope I'd had of a content life.

How can she not have a clue that she and Hugh were the reason for the family breaking down?

I was exhausted trying to show her.

I'd had enough.

Even the people who were meant to love and protect you, break your heart the most.

It rained the whole of Thursday and my mood had significantly dropped again. School was uneventful unless you include the reoccurring verbal abuse we receive which is, as sad as it is to say, is the 'norm'. Vee picked up on the horrific mood when we were in art but she tried not to push me. Instead, she blabbered about things that I wasn't interested to know about. I nodded and smiled when needed but my heart wasn't in anything I reciprocated with.

Although the guys knew nothing about 'why' I become so distant sometimes, they tried their best to cheer me up with jokes, plans for the weekend, and our love for music. I was thankful for that but only one person could completely pull me back to sanity.

Gerard.

And even then, it was a task.

I didn't go to him. I wanted to but my sudden dependence on him scared me. I didn't see him at all on Thursday but I think that was a good thing. It left me a little stronger. When I was with Gerard, my emotions would pour out of me and at most, I could barely ever control them.

Like I'd said, I still needed to keep my wits about me if I were to survive alone.

On Friday, I'd woken up with red and puffy eyes and the weather still as miserable as ever. I dreamt of my grandfather again. I'd seen his face still, lying lifeless in the coffin at the funeral at the front of the church.

I woke up with tears streaming down my face.

Walking to the bathroom, meek and unenthusiastic, I grimaced when I looked into the mirror. I decided no make up, seeing as though I couldn't be bothered and the cut on my eyebrow was now just a faint scar. I found a hairband and placed my hair into a messy bun on the top of my head, realizing there was no hope for my appearance, especially not when I'd felt as awful as I did. My father had already left for work, leaving me to go about my business alone. I'd woken up a little later than I expected to which made me wonder why Mikey hadn't knocked on the door already. We should have left for the bus fifteen minutes ago.

(I didn't rush for school as I only had science this morning. Mr Banner wasn't too fussed if we were late or not).

Once I'd dressed in the usual way and packed my school bag, I went down stairs, filled my flask with coffee and retrieved my cigarettes. I wasn't in the right mind set to do anything today. I could already feel my mind drifting.

At that moment it seemed pointless to even leave the house.

It was then I heard a knock on the door, pulling me from my own little 'brain battle'. It must be Mikey. I approached it, flinging my bag over my shoulder to open it with easier access. The first thing I noticed was the harsh downfall of rain ringing in my ears, a gush of wind swirling into the entrance.

Mikey smiled at me, his glasses covered in little specks of rain and his hair slightly damp.

“Hey!” He beamed which I momentarily felt taken back by. Our moods seemed to be entirely different.

I really felt as though I just wanted to be alone today.

“Hi...” I smiled at him hesitantly.

“You okay?” I nodded as I stepped outside to meet him, shutting the door quietly behind me. Mikey reached forward and gave me a brief, one armed hug that was rather comforting. Mikey was so sweet. I patted him on the small of his back and replied.

“Are you?”

“I've had three cups of coffee this morning. I'm feeling great.” He gave me a once over and frowned slightly. “Bad morning?”

I shrugged. “I didn't sleep very well.”

“Ah...” He nodded and I lit a cigarette, ready to begin our walk to school. We'd most likely missed the bus.

“We should probably get going. We've missed the bus, haven't we?”

“Oh! About that, Gerard said he'd give us a lift today.” I exhaled a deep portion of smoke, my brows lifting to his comment.

“Really?”

“Yeah, he's just getting-”

“Are you guys ready?”

I turned my head to the direction of the Way's residence and there was Gerard in his leather jacket, white t-shirt , jeans and rugged hair, an unlit cigarette hanging between his lips. Mikey gave him a thumbs up as he then began to make his way out into the rain.

I raised my cigarette to Gerard and I saw him smile, pointing towards the car.

I watched him a moment longer, Gerard's gaze never leaving my own. I had a strange sensation build up in my stomach. I felt as though my skin was flushing. A somewhat calmness washed over me. His steps faltered as he made his way down his front porch, his brows furrowing at my initial expression. I must have looked blank. Distant. It's almost as if he could read my mind.

Worried, not in the mood to talk, I nodded my head curtly and followed Mikey towards the car, trying not to look at Gerard.

I could still feel his eyes on me as he stood beside me on the drivers side. Hidden behind the car, I felt his hand touch my back and I shuddered to the feeling however, once Gerard's car was opened, I jumped into the back, keeping my head down and the others followed, Gerard hovering momentarily. Mikey bounced into the front seat, from what I could tell, his mood still bright, however a cool sensation spread into the car when Gerard took the seat in front of me.

“You guys got everything?” Gerard murmured as he rolled down his window, as I did my own. Mikey paused and cursed beneath his breath.

“I'll be right back.”

No.

Don't leave me with Gerard! He'll break me down, make me talk.

My heart beat quickened as Mikey's door slammed shut, his lanky form running towards the house.

Shit.

I should've taken the day off.

I pursed my lips, taking a drag of my cigarette.

“If you want to talk about it...you know I'm here.”

I forced my gaze up and I hadn't even noticed that Gerard had shifted around so he was facing me, his arm stretched out across the back of the seat. He didn't say any more but nod slowly, his eyes intense. Bright yet intense however there was something resting within in. He knew I felt awful. He could just sense it. But...this time, he didn't push me to talk. He gave me a weak smile but nothing more.

My chin wobbled as I threw the rest of my cigarette out of the window.

I wish I'd gone to him sooner. I wish I didn't feel this pull to him.

I shifted forward and leant my head onto his arm, exhaling loudly, praying to god that I didn't start crying. I smelt the leather of the jacket, mixed with coffee, cigarettes and his cologne. It was a warm sort of smell, soothing. He rested his cheek on the top of my head and sighed loudly as well.

He didn't have to say anything. We just sat there.

All to soon however, the door opened, causing me to jump back into my seat as Gerard stayed in exactly the same place.

“Forgot my stupid bag.” Mikey smiled as he looked to his brother, indicating that he was now ready to leave. Thank god he hadn't noticed. “Do you mind if we pick Frank up on the way?”

“Sure.” Gerard said as he turned back to the wheel and brought the engine to life.

Once we'd picked Frank up on the way, Mikey and him started talking wildly to each other, Frankie's enthusiasm almost shocking. He was strangely loud this morning when he'd entered the car. Either that or I was just too exhausted that everything seemed louder than it should have been. Again, I gave my input when necessary but aside from that, stayed quiet for most of the journey. I must have seemed like the most boring person on the planet if they were to have just met me.

I was just having a bad week...more like a bad life.

We pulled up to school and Mikey and Frank jumped out, leaving me behind but not entirely. They'd just gone over to speak with Vee who was standing beneath her neon pink umbrella, their moods the complete opposite to my own.

“I mean it you know.” Gerard said quietly.

“I know. Thanks Gerard.” I sighed placing my bag onto my lap with my hand on the door handle.

“Mikey's going to our grandma's after school so I can take you to group if you want.” He asked softly, his voice almost hesitant.

“Okay. I'll see you later then.”

“Take care.”

I don't know why but I placed my hand onto his shoulder as I passed by him, stepping out into the rain and slamming the door behind me. I ran ahead to where the guys were and as I did, Vee pushed Frank into the rain with a smile and made room for me under the umbrella. Frank complained, then went and hugged her from behind, keeping himself sheltered from the rain. Mikey simply rolled his eyes and turned to wave goodbye to Gerard. He beeped his horn and then began to roll away from the school, his speed way over the limit towards the end of the street.

I wanted to run after the car. Repeat what we'd done on Wednesday but I knew I had to be here.

Only the guys distractions could take me away from my want of a breakdown.

We all rushed inside, Frank creating a strange squeal as he tried to hold onto Vee for dear life, the gesture even more difficult as we reached the stairs.

“Just let go Frank!” Vee laughed above the rain.

“No! There's hairspray in my hair!” He complained with another squeal.

We somehow made it inside with out any further mishaps and Frank and I made our way to Science. I loved being in these guys company but today, I'm fairly certain they couldn't say the same to me. Frank and I sat in the corridor by the science block, sharing my coffee in a comfortable silence. It was nice. It was welcoming.

I was just looking forward to seeing Gerard, although I wish I wasn't.

What is Gerard Way doing to me?

---

I walked home alone when the rain had lightened significantly and was now a dull drizzle. Donna had picked up Mikey from school to go straight to his grandma's as Frank had invited Vee and myself over to his house. I declined of course, having to come up with another excuse which they believed but I was wondering how many excuses I could come up with for the hour after school on Friday's. It was only the second week.

Noticing Gerard was out on his porch, smoking, I intended to keep walking, just to throw my bag into my room and meet him back outside.

Of course, he'd noticed me however.

“Dakota!”

I turned, waving slowly at him as he stood and made his way towards me. He flicked his cigarette onto his front lawn as he walked, a concerned spark in his eyes. I almost wished I'd had the strength to tell him everything he wanted to know about me.

“Hey.”

“Hey...”

“I could've picked you up from school.” He motioned towards his car with that little smile of his.

“No, it's okay. I like the rain.”

“I remember. You told me.” He smiled softly, brushing back a stray piece of hair that had fallen loose from my bun. My skin burnt from his touch.

“I-I was just going to put my bag inside.”

“Yeah, of course.” He replied as he removed his hand and rubbed the back of his neck. “I'll wait in the car.”

I nodded again and began to make my way back into the house, fishing out for my keys that were buried deep in my pocket. I opened the door without hesitation and made a beeline for my room. I changed out of my near soaked hoodie and had found my denim jacket instead. Somehow, my shirt had survived the rain spell as had my jeans, apart from my thighs. Giving up and making my way to the stairs, I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror as I walked past the open room and almost sneered. I looked ever worse than I had this morning.

Noticing it was nearing four O'clock, I hopped down the stairs and power walked to the front door then was shocked to find Gerard standing on my porch, his back to me. I shut the door behind me and crossed my arms just as he turned to face me, pulling his hands out of his pocket.

“You ready?”

“No.” I chuckled as he smiled at me.

“You rarely get used to the idea of going to group.” He offered. “You're never quite sure of what you'll realize about yourself.”

That hardly made me feel any better about going.

“Thanks.” I rolled my eyes, my voice sarcastic.

He laughed as he stepped towards me, his arms finding my waist as he pulled me closer to his own body, his warm, comforting body. My body hummed and I almost slapped myself.

Don't think about it like that.

He's just a friend...right?

I unlocked my arms and wrapped them around his torso, resting my head against his chest.

I closed my eyes as I heard his steady heart beat.

“How was your day?” I mumbled into his chest. I felt him shrug.

“Same old. How about you?”

“I nearly ditched school.”

“I know.” He laughed. “I could see it in your expression this morning. We could've gotten a Starbucks instead.”

“Don't remind me.” I answered as he tightened his grip around my waist causing me to shudder.

“You cold?”

“No.”

“Okay...but of course, I would never encourage you to ditch school.”

"Of course."

We'd somehow made it to group on time but Gerard literally had to drag me inside the building. I felt my anxiety playing up again. I know I've met these people before and this time Gerard and I were on different terms but it didn't leave me much comfort.

I was terrible in social situations and the thought of Meryl trying to get me to open up gave me the urge of vomiting. If I wasn't going to open up to Gerard then I certainly wasn't going to open up to Meryl, as nice as she was.

“Just don't call me sugar.” I whispered to him before we unclasped our joined hands.

“Cant promise anything.” He smirked at me and entered the swinging door. I quickly followed behind. The heads turned in the exact same way as they had done last week.

Gerard walked ahead of me, confident and in complete opposition to me.

This was not going to be fun.

Notes