Give Me Hope In The Darkness

I kept running. I had no idea where I was but I kept going, not daring to look back. I couldn't be near that house. I had to get away from it all. Why did Donnie leave me in this mess alone? We were close growing up but when the 'going gets tough', he just packed up and left everything behind...even his baby sister who needed him. He used to be there for me when I had trouble at school. He would talk to me until I fell asleep, console me, but that changed when he reached high school and made new friends. He didn't have that much time for me anymore. My brother was somewhat popular however his younger sister was an outcast. It's strange how that happens in families, isn't it?

I hadn't even noticed it was dark until a street lamp began to flicker above me, the reason for the slowing of my steps. I was breathless, I was angry and most of all I was heartbroken. I didn't know where to go, physically and mentally. I felt trapped. I wanted to run, far away from everything in my life but my dad was the reason that held me back. I couldn't leave him alone. Not now. I wanted to jump, be free but I couldn't.

My vision blurred to the amount of tears that were rushing from my eyes. I wiped furiously at them but more kept coming. How could my mother do that to me? Sure, I was being harsh but it was the truth. To shout at me, I could probably handle but to be slapped...she'd never done that to me before. Only the bullies had ever physically hurt me.

Before my mother had met my father she'd dated Hugh, hell, they were even engaged but Hugh decided to cheat on her. When my mum was trying to explain it to me she'd said that after the break up, they'd somehow bonded and created a friendship...nothing more. Then she met my dad and well, I'm not sure how long she was cheating for but it made me sick to my stomach to know my father was completely oblivious to it all.

How could people like that exist? To constantly cheat on people you supposed care about. Hugh had two daughters, both quite a bit younger than Donnie and I. What on earth did their mother have to tell them? 'Sorry kids, your dad moved towns to be with a woman he's been having an affair with for years?' No. There is no easy way to tell your children something like that. We would've never known if Donnie and I hadn't caught them at the cafe. All the holidays she'd had with supposed 'friends' were obviously with him. It was disgusting. To be lied to like that for years...by your own mother. It wasn't to protect me, like she claimed it was. It was selfish. She doesn't see the fault in her actions. She just doesn't understand.

I didn't know how long I'd been running for but I suddenly stopped when I saw a nearby park with a bench right beside an old oak tree. I wiped my running nose with the back of my hand, trying to control my tears but they kept streaming, silently.

It was strange, as I sat down, I'd hoped I was in danger. I didn't feel the urge to move when I began to hear the sound of footsteps or the breeze rustling the leaves. I wasn't content...I was far from that but I physically couldn't move. I wrapped my arms around myself, silently crying still, trying to keep my breaths normal but it was useless. I was a lost cause.

Everything was throbbing. My head, my heart, my body and my cuts.

“Dakota?”

I knew that voice. I knew that voice too well. I didn't know if I wanted to be near that voice. All I could think of was what that voice had said to me...those exact words circling in my mind - 'I want you to promise me that when you think the word is falling down, you'll come and find me.'

I couldn't burden them.

“Dakota?” He called out again but I continued to stare at that one place on the the floor where a single brown leaf lay quiet, still. I heard him sigh as his footsteps grew louder.

“Go away.” I murmured, wrapping my arms tighter around myself. I eventually saw his tattered sneakers come into view and his face close to mine as he bent down.

“Hey...” He cooed, attempting to brush away a piece of hair that had stuck to my cheek. I moved my head away from his touch, my cheek beginning to throb. I knew she hadn't hit me hard enough to leave a bruise but it was still store. “Dakota...”

“Please Gerard, just leave me alone.” I croaked. He placed his hands on my thighs, his thumbs rubbing soothing circles on my knees but I didn't have the strength to push him away.

“Not at this time I won't. Even if it was broad daylight I wouldn't leave you alone. Not like this.” He spoke, his voice soft, comforting but I still tried to force him away. I couldn't...I needed to be alone.

“How did you know I was here?” I asked, still not glancing at him.

“I saw you run past the bar I was at when I was having a cigarette.” He answered, squeezing my thighs a little.

“You shouldn't have followed me.”

“Like I said, I wasn't going to leave you alone out here at this time.” He answered, this time actually brushing the hair away from my face. His touch was warm, it caused me to shiver. I closed my eyes, trying to block him still but it was useless. “You looked pretty upset, I mean of course you were. You were crying and still are...I thought I told you not to go outside at night-?”

“Jesus Gerard, you aren't my mother! You don't have to fucking baby sit me.” I answered, a little too harsh as I jerked my knees away from him. Somehow he still had a grip on my legs.

“I'm not babysitting you.” He spoke calmly. “You obviously aren't stable to be alone right now-”

“Oh so I'm some fucking nut job now?”

“That's not what I said.” He scolded as he moved to sit beside me on the bench.

“It's what you meant.”

“Do you have to be so confrontational every time I talk to you?” He sighed as he ran a hand through his hair, reaching out to touch my hand.

“Just...go Gerard.” I sighed.

“No.”

“You should go back to the bar.” I answered, still not looking at him.

“Why can't you just talk to me?”

“Look Gerard, you think you want to hear about my problems but you don't. Okay? I can handle this on my own.” I answered, pushing him away from me as I stood, beginning to walk away. Why did he think he could help me? What good is talking? Talking leaves you nothing but heartbreak...the truth more or less coming to light.

Of course before I could get far, he'd grabbed my arm and pulled me back, his grip too strong for me to handle. I winced, pulling my arm back, holding it close to my body. He sighed, knowing of the cuts that were own my arms. He eyes swam with apologies but I didn't want it. I didn't deserve it.

We stared at each other, only a moment or so but it made me uncomfortable. It was as though Gerard was trying to see right through me, discover everything about me in that one moment. The only times we'd really talked was when I was either abandoned, crying or had been beaten black and blue. Why on earth did he still want to talk to me?

“You need to stop running from me Dakota.”

“Jesus Christ Gerard.” I cried out but he didn't seem phased. He reached out for me again but I jolted back.

“I'm not letting you leave my sight tonight.” He argued.

“Afraid I might do something stupid?” I shot back.

“Quite frankly...yeah, that's exactly why.” He answered, attempting to reach out for me again.

“Trust me Gerard...” I said, dodging his arm again. “It will be heaven for you when I eventually do what I've wanted to for so long.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“It would be fucking easier for everyone that's what I'm talking about! No more annoying fucked up girl, no more disappointment, Mikey can eventually find a better friend and you won't to deal with the pathetic neighbour from next door.”

“What about your family, huh? You think they don't care?” He shot back, just as angry as I was it seemed.

“You don't know a fucking thing Gerard.” I screamed at him. “Stop acting like you do-”

“I know what your going through Dakota.”

“Fuck off!” I snapped, trying to walk away but he just wouldn't leave me alone. Couldn't he see that it would be better off if he didn't know me? Better off if we just cut any ties we had now? We're apparently friends but fucking hell...I didn't know the first thing about being a 'good' friend. Thoughts were scattered. I couldn't control any of it.

“I don't...ugh! For fuck sakes Gerard!” I shouted as he stepped in my way again.

“Dakota...” He spoke calmly, his hands raised slightly in surrender. “Look, let me just take you home-”

“No I-” I shook my head, biting my lip as I felt my own finger nails dig into my skin. I was the worst person to be around.

“I need you to...I need to-” I couldn't get my words out. I knew I was about to start crying. I tried to hold it back but I couldn't. I was too weak. I was succumbing to too much sadness. I'd felt numb for too long and everything was rushing to the surface.

“What do you need me to do Dakota?” He asked, reaching his hand out for me.

“I...I...I need you to leave me alone.” I answered, defeated, refusing to look at him as I sniffled, my head darting around to the sound of the leaves.

“I can't.”

“Gerard...please.”

“Look I know I'm the last person you want to talk to...”

“Gerard-” I tried to cut him off but he continued.

“...I know we said we're friends but...jesus... I care, okay? And you can hate me all you want for it but I do care.” Tears were streaming. Nothing could stop it now. “Dakota...”

“I'm just...” I sighed. “I'm so tired Gerard.”

“I know...”

“It hurts...” I cried softly.

“What does Dee?”

“Everything...” I could tell he was hesitantly approaching me, probably even freaked out by my outburst but I didn't know what to do. I needed a razor...anything...I just needed this emotional pain to stop.

“Let me help.”

“I can't deal with this anymore.” I sobbed. “I just...I can't...Gerard I can't do it.”

Before I knew it, he'd brought me in his arms, his hold protective as he kissed the top of my head. I tried to push him away but he held me in place. His head moved down to nestle itself into my shoulder as my arms were pressed against his chest.

“You can do this. It's okay Dakota...”He murmured. “I've got you.” I gripped onto his jacket, having to feel something to know I was still really there.

I sobbed into his chest, my fingers turning white to the hold I had to him. I couldn't let go. I was afraid to. I was afraid at the thought that I'd be left alone. I was scared to let Gerard in. I was scared of everything. The only thing I didn't fear was death. It would stop me from being afraid forever but I couldn't have it. I couldn't have peace. Why was everything so hard? Why did this have to happen? Why did my mother break my heart? Why was I constantly tormented? Why, why, why?

After what felt like hours, he pulled away from me, barely, but rested his forehead against my own.

“Let me take you home.” He offered.

“I can't go back there.” I sniffled.

“What happened?” He asked, cradling my face in his hands, forcing me to look up at him. I shook my head. “Please tell me.”

I studied him. He looked sincere but I couldn't wrap my head around why he cared. I just didn't understand. I couldn't. It was too extreme for me. The way Gerard made me think...to think someone did care but...he couldn't. He just couldn't. Not after what I'd shouted to him.

His eyes were studying my face, a frown playing at his lips. I couldn't handle being so close to him. I pushed him away, so his arms were stretched out but he didn't let go as he wiped away the tears.

“Maybe I should go home.” I said, looking away from his as I pried his fingers from my face. He raised an eyebrow in confusion, a hint of anger in his eyes. He must hate not knowing everything about someone. It wasn't his business and I wouldn't make it his. “I need to see my dad.”

Before he could answer, I began to walk away. I heard him sigh behind but his hand soon found my own as he lead me back towards our street. Like I said, I didn't know where I was so I was relying on Gerard to help me. I didn't want to rely on him but I knew I was going to. We said nothing as we walked, his hand firmly attached to my own. It felt oddly calming to walk around at night with Gerard...like it was the aftermath of something huge. Whenever we'd walk past a group of people, he'd pull me closer to him, sometimes, wrapping my arm around his lower back as he placed his around my shoulders. He made me feel safe in those moments.

Don't get used to this idea Dakota. He'll leave sooner or later. Everyone always does.

We eventually stopped outside my house. The living room lights were on so I supposed my dad was still up. I could hear the faint sound of the TV drifting outside from the small open window. I turned to Gerard to find he was watching me, concern etched on his face.

“You should go to bed. You look tired.” I croaked the only thing that could come to mind. His lip curved slightly into a small smile as he continued to watch me.

“That's a nice way to say I look like shit.” I shrugged which made his smile widen, only slightly. “Look, open your bedroom window when you get inside, okay?”

“Why-?”

“Please just do it.”

I nodded as he let go of my hand and allowed me to walk into the house. I turned to find Gerard staring, most likely making sure I actually made it inside. I was too exhausted to wonder what he was up to. I closed the door behind me to find my dad sitting on the sofa, his face resting against his hands.

“Dad?” His head shot up and he breathed a sigh of relief. He stood, quickly and brought me into his embrace, holding me tightly.

“Jesus, you had me so worried!” He exclaimed, kissing the top of my head. “Where the hell did you go? You do realise it's nearly midnight?”

“I'm sorry dad I just...I needed to get away.” My dad frowned and nodded, brushing more of my hair away from my face.

“Please just...don't run off like that, okay?” I nodded, afraid of my own voice in case I started crying again. “You do know that your mother didn't mean to hurt you?” I didn't answer. “She does love you Dee...”

“I'm tired Dad. I'm just...I'm just gonna go to bed, okay?” He smiled and eventually let me go after hugging me once more and telling me he'd call my mum to know I was home. He'd also said he had to be out of the house by seven o'clock tomorrow morning so I wouldn't see him until dinner time. I'd also completely forgot it was only Wednesday.

I made it to my room, breathless and entirely exhausted from my crying fits over the last hour or so. I didn't actually know how long I'd been out for. Opening the window, like Gerard had said, I made my way over to my bed, sitting there, empty. I took a glance at the jumper but I looked away, not wanting to cry anymore than I had already that night.

It took me a while to register what was going on until I saw a leg come through my window, along side a few whispered curses.

“Fuck!” Gerard moaned as his body hit the floor.

He cradled the back of his head as he forced himself up into the sitting position.

What the hell?

I rushed over to him, kneeling before I smacked him on the shoulder.

“What the hell Gerard?” I whispered, afraid my dad might hear. “What are you doing here?”

“I told you I wasn't going to let you out of my sight.” He answered simply as he pushed himself up, helping me up as he did so.

“I'm fine.” I sighed. He gave me an incredulous look before rolling his eyes. “Look...you can't just come in here-”

“I thought you'd guessed what I was going to do when I said for you to open your window.”

“Oh of course because that's what crosses everyone's mind!” I argued. He just smirked at me as he crossed his arms.

“Are you ready to talk?”

“Gerard...I'm too tired to talk.” I said as I turned away from him and headed towards my bed, kicking my shoes off on the way. I collapsed on my bed, throwing an arm over my eyes, sighing dramatically.

“That's okay.” I felt the bed shift as he sat beside me on the bed, leaning against my torso. “Just know that one day I'll make you trust me enough.”

“Gerard, please...I'm tired.” I repeated, this time, my voice hushed.

“Well so am I so...scoot over.” I removed my arm and looked at him warily.

“Don't make me repeat myself.” He said insincerely as he discarded his leather jacket, kicking off his shoes also. His smirk ever so evident, most likely trying to lighten the situation.

“Gerard-”

“Look, we're both tired and a bed it right there. Let's just sleep, okay?”

"Fine."

I didn't argue any further as I scooted closer to the wall, laying on my back as I closed my eyes. His shoulder touched my own as he lay a hand underneath his head. He sure was making himself comfortable.

It took me a while to feel the sensation of drifting but before I did, I felt his fingers brush with my own, eventually taking my hand in his.

What a strange night this was.

Notes

Hey! Sorry for any spelling/grammar errors! Just wanted to thank those who comment and subscribe as well! It means a lot. Take care <3