Give Me Hope In The Darkness

“So...?” Gerard asked as he approached me slyly, a smile playing at his lips as the cigarette hung in balance between them.

Why was he still here? I didn't answer him. I exhaled smoke in his direction as I raised an eyebrow, flicking the lighter back on with my free hand for him to use. He beamed, his eyes twinkling with mystery as he leant closer to me, placing his cigarette end on the burning flame, his eyes never leaving mine. What is he up to?

I thought that once his cigarette was lit, he would leave but he stood in his place, his body only a few inches from my own.

I took a retreating step back as I put the lighter in my pocket, readying to leave.

“So who did that to you?” He asked as he exhaled the swirling smoke from his lungs. I pursed my lips.

“Why do you want to know?” I asked, clearing my throat. He shrugged.

“Curiosity perhaps?”

“Curiosity?” He nodded. “It's not exactly an exciting story.”

“Is any story about the new girl being beaten up exciting?”

“I don't know.”

“Well, I don't think so. That's because I'm not an ass.” I rolled my eyes at his comment. Of course he was an ass. He was a very confusing ass. “Was Jeremy right when he said it was a girl that did this to you?”

“Look, I really don't see why you care.” I stressed. “You don't like me, so I don't really know what you're trying to get out of this conversation.” He seemed bemused by my response. Standing up a little straighter, his brow furrowed. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I never said I didn't like you.” I paused, watching him cautiously, waiting for him to burst out laughing or take back his comment but he continued to just look at me. I should be the one whose bemused. Of course he didn't like me, why else would he have treated me the way he did?

“I'd love to know what you're thinking.” He smirked.

“You implied it.”

“Implied what?”

“That you didn't like me.”

“You shouldn't take this so seriously sugar.” He chuckled. “What?”

“You called me a slut.” I argued.

“No, I was asking if you were a slut.”

“But-”

“There's a difference. It didn't mean that I didn't like you.”

“You did call me a slut.” He was about to argue but I cut across him “You also thought I was putting on an act-”

“Again, I never said I didn't like you.” He sighed, watching my curiously. I wanted to throw something at him, to wipe away that constant smirk. It aggravated me to the point of too much violence. Someone shouldn't be able to rile me up so easily. It's just not right.

“Are you just going to come up with an excuse every time I say something?” He smiled in response. “You are one confusing human being.” I muttered as I looked away from him, glancing down at my feet as I subconsciously turned them inwards.

“Why do you think I'm here?” He laughed, pointing to the building behind him. “You don't seem like the simple case yourself.”

I watched him, trying to find the perfect emotion at how I felt at this moment. Aggravation. Annoyance. Anger. Frustration. Confusion. Curiosity. I felt too much. What was he trying to do to me? I definitely regret ever thinking he was good-looking...annoyingly, I knew he was handsome which is why he frustrated even more. I don't know how he did it.

“You keep spacing out.” He observed.

“Why did you defend me in there?” I lifted my chin, jutting it towards the “clinic”.

“Why wouldn't I?” Why would he?

“Because...”

“Because...” He copied. I groaned, rubbing a hand over my face.

“I don't know! I have no fucking clue.” I laughed humourlessly. “I don't understand you.”

“I don't understand myself.” He answered, taking a step towards me again. “And I'm pretty certain, you don't understand yourself.” I cleared my throat.

“What do you mean?”

“Well...here you are, acting as though you are thoroughly displeased by my presence but you have in fact not once said that you didn't like me or told me to fuck off.” He smiled, his eyes glancing down at my lips. “And of course stating the obvious that you're just as fucked up as I am which is why you're at therapy...do you like me sugar?” I took another step back.

“Liking you and tolerating you are two very different things Gerard.” He seemed thoroughly entertained by this. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction so I attempted to remain calm. “So?”

“So what?”

“Why did you defend me?”

“Don't be so serious about this-”

“Answer me.” He sighed.

“I got you wrong. It was my way of apologising.” Apologising?

“That's a strange apology.” I murmured.

“I know but, I'm one strange guy. Probably someone you definitely shouldn't be around.”

We stared at each other. Another staring contest beginning but neither of us ever had to state what we were doing. How many times did I have to be told that I needed to stay away from him? How could I? He was everywhere I was.

“I've heard that way too many times.”

"Are you gonna tell me why your parents sent you here?" Gerard asked, ignoring my last statement.

Giving up and emotionally drained, I rolled my eyes as I began to walk away. Gerard made my mind hazy and I could never think properly when I was around him.

"Wait-" He said behind me. I didn't want to tell him anymore than what he'd found out. I had to humour my mother by going...she never said anything about having to talk. I heard a gentle rumble in the distance, prompting that rain was due and I couldn't have been more relieved.

“Oh...” I said, turning on my heel only to be met with Gerard right in front of me. His hands gripping my shoulders, preventing me from falling. I felt a pull, a strange tantalising pull to him but I chose to ignore it, my heart racing again as he stared down at me, his gaze always so intense. I shrugged out of his grip and glared up at him. He was still smiling.

“Look, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell Mikey about anything today.” His smile dropped.

“Mikey doesn't know...anything?”

“No...nothing.” He exhaled through his nose, his eyes closing momentarily.

“Well...Don't you think he deserves to know?” I was taken back.

“No. I don't.” I said warily, not quite sure how to respond to his attitude. “I've only known him two weeks.”

“But your his friend. As you are Frank and Vee's. Why should I know and they don't-?”

“The only reason you know is because you walked in on me in the bathroom and now you attend the same therapy group as me. No one was ever meant to know.” I snapped. What right had he to tell me this? Why did he think he was so superior to me?

It's probably because he was. I no where near make him feel the same way I do when I'm around him. Defeated.

“You were never going to tell them?”

“No.” I stated through my teeth.

“That's a little selfish-”

“Selfish?” I gaped at him.

“Yes.” He said matter of factly.

“Do you really think I want people to know how fucked up I am?” This time he seemed taken aback by my response. He raised an inquisitive eyebrow at me, prompting me to go on. “Do you think I want judgemental stares everywhere I go? Once one person finds out, everyone does. I'm saving them from more torture than they think they can handle. I'm not good for them.” His face softened but I wanted none of his 'pity' or whatever it was.

“Please, enlighten me about how you tell your friends that you'd give anything to die and be away from this world. About how you hurt yourself to make yourself feel as though you're still alive. Do you tell Mikey everything you feel and do? Do you tell your friends? ” He said nothing but look at me, his emotion closed off and his eyes blank. He knew I was right. He knew I didn't have to say a thing. I was too ashamed of myself but I couldn't let him know that. I knew I was weak but there was something about Gerard that made me want to seem stronger than I was.

“I thought not. Goodbye Gerard.”

As I began to walk away, I thought I was free from him but something tugged me back and it was Gerard, a fistful of my jacket tightly in his hand.

“What are you-”

“Let me give you a ride home.”

“No.” I argued. He rolled his eyes.

“A storms coming.”

“I like the rain-”

“It's going to get dark soon.”

“Do you really think I care?” He sighed again. “I could probably get home before then if you let me go.”

“Come on, where's the harm?” I picked at his fingers but they didn't move. He was far stronger than I took him for.

“A lot! The harm is Gerard is that I don't want to be stuck in a car with you and your mood swings. And I officially don't have to see you for another week so let me have some peace.” I answered, attempting to pry his warm grip away from my jacket once more. He still didn't let go.

“Do you think you'll really have any peace with a mind like yours?” He said, tapping the side of his head.

“Let me go-!”

“Dakota.” He warned. I stopped my minute assault on him and stared at him, my mouth agape. He'd said my name. I really wish that wasn't such a shock for me. “Just let me give you a ride home.”

“Why...?” I asked warily. He ran a hand through his hair, agitated and he exhaled deeply through his nose.

“Please.” A smirk slowly pulled at my lips and he glared at me. “Look, I'm asking nicely here.”

“I never asked you to.”

“Are you always this stubborn?”

“Of course.”

It was then he began to drag me backwards, his grip tight still and his stance determined. I don't know why but I didn't fight back. He led me over to the black mustang and I rolled my eyes. Of course it had to have been his. He let go of me when he reached the passenger door and opened it, waiting expectantly for me to climb in.

“You're an ass.”

“I know.”

I climbed in, placing myself as close to the door as possible so that when he was in the car, I was far away from him. I hated the idea that Gerard knew something about me that was private and personal. Something no one knew. I placed my arms across my chest and huffed, sliding down further into my seat. He climbed in shortly after and brought the engine to life. Just as he did, rain began to splatter upon the wind shield and I felt myself curve into the the door. He pulled out of the car park and before I knew it, we were off into town and on the way home. We rode in silence, the car smelling strongly of cigarettes and Starbucks coffee. I bit my lip, frustrated at how...frustrating Gerard was. What was he trying to gain from this?

“Are you ever going to tell me who did that to you?” He asked softly, his eyes still on the road.

“You probably don't know them.”

“You'd be surprised at the amount of people I know, sugar.” I looked at him warily, not entirely understanding his comment as he tried to hold back a grin.

“Are you a slut then?” I asked before I could take it back. He looked at me, a little horrified by my outburst but it was soon disregarded and replaced with chuckles. He shrugged.

“I wouldn't go as far as to say I were a slut...but I know my way around a woman's needs.” I rolled my eyes. “Now stop turning the conversation over. Just give me a name.”

“It doesn't concern you.” I spoke quietly.

“Do you think they'll do it to you again?” I shrugged, not quite sure how to respond to him. I knew Monica was bound to attack me again. It was just a matter of time. I heard him sigh.

“Name?”

“No.”

“Why?” He groaned.

"Because..."

“That's not an answer Dakota.”

“Oh, so you're deciding to use my name now? I never thought I'd see the day...” I trailed off.

“Mikey never tells me how sarcastic you are. He says you're always so kind. You're always on edge when you're with me.” His lips twisted as he said this. He refused to meet my eyes as we stopped at the traffic light.

“Why do you think that is?” I asked, genuinely intrigued as to why he would think I would suddenly relax around him.

“Because I'm a horrible human being. I know that.” He shrugged. I sighed, regretfully feeling slightly guilty.

“You're not a horrible human being.” I said. His looked at me from the corner of his eye, his eyebrows raised. “An ass...to me maybe but, not a horrible human being. Mikey cares about you a lot...he defends you from a lot of the shit that's thrown around...I know Frank likes you. And Vee. They all told me to give you chance.”

“But then I asked you if you were a slut?”

“And basically said I knew nothing about real problems...You made me feel inferior.” I added quietly.

“I'm sorry...” He muttered. “So that's why don't you like me?”

“I think it was you who actually pointed out that I never said that.” He laughed again. “You just confuse me. We've known each other all but five minutes really and my emotions are all over the place...”

“I can understand that...” He muttered as he continued to drive, the rain overbearing and intimidating.

Soon enough he was down our street and parking in his drive way. He turned off the engine, sighed, and turned to face me. One arm on the back of my chair, the other hand resting on the steering wheel as he waited for me to say something.

“Thanks for the ride.”

“Anytime.” He answered timidly. There was a pause.

“Please don't tell Mikey.” I pleaded with him.

“I wasn't going to.” I sighed in relief, leaning back against the chair.

“Thanks...” He nodded, most likely unsure of how to respond.

“We're an unlikely pair.” He chuckled.

“I second that.”

He hummed in response. Looking back at him only a moment longer, his gaze intense, I pulled at the handle, ready to run out into the rain but his voice stopped me.

“Make sure to put some ice on your eye...it will help with the swelling, trust me.”

“It sounds like you know a thing or two about a situation like this.” I smiled towards him. All trace of humour had disappeared from his face, his eyes suddenly dark.

“I've been in my fair share of fights.”

I wasn't quite sure how to respond myself.

“Are you every going to tell me why you judged me so quickly?” He ignored me.

“You should probably head back.”

Thanking him one more time for the ride, I ran out into the rain, rushing towards the porch in hope for a moments breath before opening the door. I glanced over, almost on impulse, and noticed Gerard still sitting in his car, lighting a cigarette as he rolled down the window. I wasn't quite sure what had happened between Gerard and I today...an understanding perhaps but I wondered how long it would last. With another quick look at me, he started the car and reversed out of the driveway before disappearing down the end of the street.

Letting myself in, already feeling the emptiness of the house, I trudged upstairs practically running into the shower, desiring warmth and comfort. After showering quickly, and dressing in a plain white shirt and sweats, I went back into my room and opened my window, steadying myself to smoke out of it.

Gerard Way was an anomaly. He was dark and rude one moment and then kind and almost caring another. What had happened to him to make him like this? Was he still suicidal? Of course, he didn't state that he had actually tried nor did he admit to ever cutting himself but...I just had this feeling towards him. He'd given me this look constantly since he saw me in the bathroom earlier. An understanding for sure.

I didn't want to suddenly seem warm or kind to him. I was going to stay wary of him. Neutral. I had to keep my guard up. I can't be hurt anymore...not if I have to try and get through this life...for my father's sake.

He'll probably be back to his usual, rude self when I next see him.

Notes

Hey! Thanks for another three subscribers since the last chapter! I'm so happy that you guys are reading it...I really do appreciate it! So...Here's some of Dakota and Gerard's interaction...let me know what you think!

Take Care <3