Give Me Hope In The Darkness

This was not happening. This could not be happening. I refused to let this be happening. Why had I taken off my jumper? Why didn't I lock the door? Why did it have to be Gerard? I would've preferred anyone else over him. This situation was a complete and utter mess. My deepest secret had not only been discovered but by Gerard Way. He was going to tease me about, wasn't he? He was going to make me feel even worse than I already did about it all. Oh god...he was going to tell Mikey! And Frank! And probably Vee! I couldn't think of a worser scenario than the apparent friends I'd made rejecting me because they'd found out how much of a freak I was. I shouldn't have bothered wearing make-up today then I wouldn't have gone to the bathroom, I wouldn't have ran into Monica and gotten beaten senseless, I wouldn't have checked my bruises in Mikey house and Gerard would have never known a thing.

I've officially lost count on how many times I've screwed up in my life.

As I walked through the streets in town, my mind hazed and dizzy, I felt so stressed and utterly defenceless. I'd vowed to never let anyone know my secret...although the bullies said it to us so they could stereotype and try and prove how much their lives were better than ours...this was Gerard. A boy I certainly did not get on with. A boy who'd made me feel awful...initially, Mikey's brother.

“You're getting the sympathy vote from my brother for sure but you won't get it from me...Let me guess, you were teased or something at your old school..., you got family issues, huh?...It seems to me that you are entirely oblivious to the world around you and it's actual problems. The smallest things make you want to get all the attention in the world. Well...sugar, I aint buyin' it.”

But...he'd called me Dakota. In that moment in the bathroom, he'd called me Dakota. Not once had he called me by my name since we first met. Maybe he'd truly known it after all but decided to rile me continuously?

Why did he have to stare? Why did I feel as though my skin was on fire when his hazel orbs stared at me...stared right through me. I found him intimidating, overwhelmingly so and just the thought of him knowing about this made me feel worse. My parents were going to find out...everyone was going to know how much of a loser I was.

As I watched the cars drive by, everyone's lives moving on, I couldn't help but wonder about the one simple step I could take to end the pain. Just as I was about to step forward, a car's high pitched horn, followed by the shouting of a driver, pulled me from my daze. I breathed deeply as I looked about me. No one seemed to have noticed my strange hypnotic state to which I was thankful for.

Shaking my head, I continued to make my way to wherever the therapy was. My mum had stated it was in a refurbished church that now in fact looked like clinic, however, as I approached the building, double checking the address on the sheet of paper my mother had given me, it still looked very much like a church, tucked behind a row of bushes, the same original dark bricks and colourful stain-glass windows. The only thing to make it potentially clinical was the extension to the side of it, bright and white inside with multiple chairs surrounding the room with an oak desk, the woman behind it looking thoroughly bored. That must have been the reception.

I can do this

As I timidly walked through the car park, I couldn't help but notice an old, black mustang, parked selfishly across two spaces. I had no time for selfish people then. My mind was overpowering everything around me.

Taking a deep breath, I found an inch of courage. Grabbing onto it, I pushed the wooden door open, the smell of coffee attacking my senses. The room was decorated in abstract paintings with small paragraphs of explanations about them underneath. I noticed one word that stood out in all of them:

Journeys

I rolled my eyes before I noticed a very well groomed, young blonde haired woman sitting at the desk typing away as if she had no idea anyone was here. It was silent. I walked towards her, my doc martins making the laminate floor creak, and she she looked up, prepared with a smile but her eyes widened in shock, her mouth open, much like all of the other reactions I'd gotten. I'd almost forgotten the horrific nature of my face. She composed herself before shooting me a bright smile.

“Good afternoon, how can I help you?” I cleared my throat.

“I'm Dakota Carey...my, uh, mum signed me up with the group therapy...”

“Ah yes Dakota...the session has just started, only a minute or so ago. Meryl's looking forward to meeting you. You're mother seemed to have made quite an impression about you.” She smiled encouragingly. I felt no warmth or comfort from it to the mention of my mother.

“Has she?” I nodded, acting as though I was interested in the conversation.

"Oh yes.” She chuckled. “But, Meryl should be expecting you so...just go right through those doors and to the left. You'll then see another set of double doors...just go straight on through...” She smiled, as she typed away on her computer, perhaps registering me in?

“Thank you.” I mumbled before I followed her instructions and found myself outside the last set of doors she'd mentioned.

You'll know no one there Dakota. It doesn't matter. You'll be fine. No one knows you.

I stood shakily, trying to control the sudden bout of nerves that hit me. Once more, thinking about my grandfather to give me faith, I pushed the door open and regretted it almost instantly. In the centre of the room, there were six chairs that were occupied, and one empty (which I supposed was for me) beside the elderly woman and a young dark haired figure, their body slouched and dullard. All faces turned to me, except that one and I suddenly felt sick, wanting to run away from this sudden intrusion. Some turned to me confusion, intrigue, others in disgust however the elder woman stood and smiled.

“Hello.” She beamed. “Welcome to group therapy...please come in.” I walked a little further into the room, still feeling their stares but I focused on the woman. “I'm Meryl.” She continued as she met me half way, holding her hand out to me. I shook it gently, attempting to smile back.

“Sorry I'm late-” I offered but she waved her hand dismissively.

“Only by a minute or so.” She comforted as she placed a hand on my back and led me closer to the circle. “Remember this is a place of confidentiality and comfort above all.” She supported. “Why don't you take the seat by Gerard-”

I froze, almost stopping mid-step if it weren't for Meryl still guiding me.

Oh shit

What on earth was he doing here?

Gerard obviously didn't know it was me but as soon as I sat down, he looked directly at me. A smile fell slowly from his lips as he stared at me again, exactly in the same way as he had done in the bathroom.

I hoped he felt beyond guilty for how he'd treated me.

Now stop staring

My eyes flickered to his for a moment, my heart racing due to embarrassment as I noticed him suddenly sit up in his seat, resting his forearms on his thighs as he leant forward, edging closer to me.

Come on Dakota, just ignore him

“Fuck!” I heard someone exclaim.

“What happened to your face?” A boy asked from the other side of the room, ending the silence as his eyes squinted at me, his face filled with youth.

“I...uh...I got beat up a school today.”

“Shit, they really did you a good one.” A girl followed as she laughed, her bleach blonde hair trickling down her shoulder. “What the fuck did you do to piss them off?”

I shrugged my shoulders.

“It must have been a girl.” The unknown boy continued as he sat back in his chair.

“What makes you say that Jeremy?” Gerard suddenly asked, his eyes still lingering on me. Did his gaze have to be so intense?

“There's a scratch mark on her neck. It was either a girl or cat...do you have a cat?” He interrogated.

“No-”

“See? It was a girl. Let me guess, it was one of those cheerleader types. Do you go to Belleville High?...only three of us do-”

“Enough of the questions Jeremy.” Meryl said, her tone firm but gentle.

“Now, everyone, this is Dakota Carey. I want her to feel relaxed in this first session which is why we will not bombard her with questions...” Meryl said, raising an eyebrow towards Jeremy.

“Just trying to get to know the newbie Meryl.” Jeremy muttered. She turned and smiled at me apologetically as she continued.

“Now, like I said, this is all about comfort and the people you're sitting with now are people I hope, you'll be able to talk to about some of your issues, seeing as though many of you have gone through the same things.”

“Fat chance of that.” Another boy grumbled. Meryl ignored his statement.

“Why don't we go around the group introducing ourselves? Lets start with Demi...”

“I'm Demi. 19. I hate my life, tried to kill myself and here I am.”

“Demi...” Meryl whispered, shaking her head.

“You stole my line Demi!” Gerard said with a chuckle.

“You might as well all say that.” Another girl interjected. “Well, not me for sure. Some of us aren't cowards.”

“And not all of us are bitches.” Demi retorted with fake enthusiasm.

I sat quiet as they continued to spat. It didn't occur to me that my mother was going to send me to a suicidal support group. I couldn't help but sneak a glance at Gerard as he looked the floor, his knee shaking as he ran a hand through his hair, his other arm leaning against the back of the chair. I wondered what was really going on in his mind.

As they continued to go around the circle, I could feel my eyes widen as I heard them all casually talk about how much they despised everything. Some were serious, others were in denial but Gerard found and I quote “Life one fucking big joke”.I didn't know what to feel. This must have been the reason why my mother wanted me to stay away from him...we were both depressed and suicidal it seemed. What a small world this is. The boy who insulted you and claimed you knew nothing about life finally discovers that you are both in fact fucked up.

“Dakota?” Meryl gestured.

“Uh...Dakota. 17. and yeah...”

“You gotta give us more than that!” The girl, Alice, asked.

“She doesn't have to do anything.” I distantly heard Gerard say.

I spaced out. I was confused. I didn't know whether or not I felt comfortable...I may have if Gerard wasn't here, sitting right next to me, his eyes constantly watching me.

“How many times you tried?” Alice directed at me.

“Huh?” I answered blinking multiple times.

“Little forward don't you think Alice?” Gerard answered in return.

“How are we every gonna get anywhere if she just sits there, listening to all our problems?” She fought back.

“Give her a moment at least to breath.”

“Why are you suddenly protecting the newbie? You never gave a flying fuck before.” Demi shot at him. Gerard chuckled and put his hands up, like he'd done many times to me.

“I'm not protecting anyone-”

“Great! So how many times?” The overly enthusiastic other boy, Zac asked. I looked between their faces, annoyed that Meryl hadn't stopped their violation of privacy but I supposed it was the nature of these things. I bit my lip, debating whether or not to answer but it was Meryl who nodded slowly. I decided that maybe answering them would get me quicker out of this hell hole.

“Twice...”

“When?” Gerard asked, his voice grave, as were his eyes when I looked over at him. I raised an eyebrow in confusion.

“January and April-”

“You should be on a fucking psych ward!” Jeremy laughed as he slapped his knee.

“I was.”

“Oh.”

“Was it like it was in the movies?” Zac asked, resting his face on his hand. “You know, like one flew over the cuckoo's nest? That films awesome!”

“It so is...” Jeremy answered, holding up his palm which Zac high-fived.

“Are you a slasher?” Alice asked as she twirled her finger in her hair.

“Excuse me-?”

“Alice-” Gerard complained. I was entirely defenceless at this 'softer' side to Gerard. What was he playing at? He interrogated me about my 'sexual status' when he first met me. Why is he choosing to defend me now?

“You know, cut yourself? Razor's, glass, broken cans...” She continued, her list nearly endless ignoring Gerard.

“By the look on her face, it definitely says that she does-”

“So you do?”

“Honestly, leave her alone.” Gerard continued to which Meryl agreed. She fought them off a little, putting them back in their place and smiled apologetically at me again. Meryl was nice and all but honestly, I didn't want to be here. I think I've said enough, especially in front of Gerard.

“And how are you feeling now, Dakota?” Meryl asked as she leant forward and rested a hand on my knee. I shrugged my shoulders.

“The same.” Meryl sighed and nodded her head.

“Your mother's spoken to me a lot about what you've gone through this year-”

“She shouldn't go around gossiping about it.” I mumbled as I leant back in my chair.

“Gossiping and concern are two very different things Dakota. Your mother does care, as does your father.” I fought back the urge to roll my eyes. Of course my mother would pretend to care. She was so good at manipulating people into thinking like she did.

“We're all here for you...Now...enough about Dakota, we have more than enough time to talk about that-”

“She'll probably fuck off after this session and never return.” Jeremy smiled as he picked at his fingernails.

“Oh dear, what a shame.” Alice sighed pathetically.

“You will come back, won't you?” “Gerard asked with a little smirk, leaning closer to me. I turned away from him not even bothering to answer him.

“Enough.” Meryl said again, her voice a little higher. “Now, uh, Gerard...how's your week been? Have you talked to the new neighbours? Have you gotten to know the girl a little? The one who's in Mikey's year?”

What?

My mother hadn't told Meryl that I'd be moving next door to Gerard? Strange...maybe my mum knew nothing about Gerard being here. Shouldn't our addresses be on some documentation or something? Had Gerard really talked about me here?

Stop over thinking everything Dakota

“Not really. I didn't think I wanted to but I've changed my mind...now” He answered, his eyes flickering to mine, the slightest hint of his smirk still present.

“What's changed your mind Gerard?”

“I've seen her in a new light.”

“How so?”

“Well...” He cleared his throat. “I was kinda a dick when I first met her...didn't think she knew shit about life-”

“And you think your an expert at it?” Jeremy scoffed as he swung back on his chair.

“I'm the last person to talk to about living a good life Jeremy but I know a fair amount of shit. I'm older than you-”

“Oh wow! By a year “Grandpa”...” He rolled her eyes before Meryl shushed him, encouraging Gerard to continue.

“I dunno what is was but I was angry when I met her. I said pretty bad stuff. Judging her and all...but now...she seems just as lost as me I guess.” Gerard shrugged, looking at me, his eyes focused as he stared, my defence beginning to break down again.

“Well maybe you can help her?” Meryl offered.

“Oh, I hope so.”

The session continued and I had found out too much information about the others, things that I really didn't want to know. I didn't understand group therapy. I was lost in there. Everything was a whirlwind. I could barely keep up. I was angry at Gerard's sudden mood change. Why on earth had he been defending me? Was he suddenly in fact giving me the pity vote? Did he actually want to be nice to me now? I had no idea but I wanted out.

Once the group finished and Meryl bid everyone a good weekend, she quickly called me back and against my will, I stayed. Gerard hovered momentarily beside the door before turning and pushing both doors open dramatically, giving me a wink on the way out. I glared at him.

“How did you find it Dakota?” Meryl asked as she collected her papers.

“It was okay I guess.”

“It will get better when you know everyone a little better...although I think you should stay. We haven't even broken the ice really.”

“I don't think the group is that fond of me.”

“Gerard seems to have taken quite well with you.” She offered. “And he normally broods and lets everyone else attack the 'newbie' as they put it.”

“I'm flattered...” I muttered sarcastically.

“A lot of it is a defence theory they have whereas you stay quiet. We all defend ourselves differently...”

“You're not going to talk to my parents about any of this...?”

“Oh no, of course not! This is all confidential. I'm sure your mother will try and get something out of me but she knows how these things work. I promise I won't tell her a thing.”

Eventually, she let me go and as I walked down the hall, the initial thought of officially seeing Gerard every Friday made my head ache. What was he really up to? The thought of Gerard made me remember the bruises. I hoped my dad was down the bar or something and that my mum was with Hugh. I needed time to think about all this.

Upon reaching the exit, I waved goodbye to the receptionist as I pulled out my smokes, eager to have one and relieved that the weather had cooled and the dark clouds were floating above. Pulling out my lighter, ready to light the comforting stick of death, I heard a voice behind me. A voice I now knew so well.

“Got a light?”

Notes

So here's part II! I Hope you guys are okay and thank you so much for reading this =] <3