Touch Him Again, And I'll Kill You

My hair flew by my ears at the sound of another one whizzing by. The cold concrete rattled as another one’s bright lights nearly blinded me. They always moved to the side at the last second, never hitting me. The cold road was no place for someone so heartbroken, but I had nowhere else to go. I was numb. I didn’t think I could possibly feel anything at that point. I couldn’t even feel a car running me over in the road, although that was something never tested, as they never made contact with my lifeless body.
The stars above me seemed to have answers to questions I didn’t even know I had. Watching them glisten helped me think, even while the cars drove an inch away from my head, and people yelled curse words at me from their windows. They called me every name in the book, but the only one that even came close to being right was a man who yelled “You’re fucking crazy!” and he was terribly right. I was painfully crazy. Crazy in love with someone I haven’t seen or spoken to in four months. I didn’t think it would change my life as much as it truly did. I didn’t think I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming for someone who would never come.
I didn’t think I would miss weeks of school because the sadness caused me to become physically sick and I couldn’t even move without feeling like I was going to die.
But most of all, I didn’t think it would cause me to lay in the middle of the road, hoping and praying for someone to end my life because I was to damn scared to do it myself.

I peeled myself off of the black ground that could possibly have an imprint of my body since I had been laying there for nearly twenty four hours. I began the long, dreary walk to my house. I knew I would be alone, again. My mom hadn’t been home much these last few months. She had been needed at work more and more each day, and would never tell me why. She said that it was “Something that was too tragic for words” and I somehow understood it. I still thank her for not telling me, because hearing anything worse than what I felt could have made me worse. She saved me from another potential heartbreak.
I opened the dark wooden door with a loud creak. The sound woke me up slightly and I became more aware. I stepped in and closed it, then slipped my shoes off and trudged up the steps to my room. I threw my jacket on the floor and pulled my phone out while laying in bed. I could dial his number in my sleep. I could dial it backwards. I put the phone up to my ear and waited. The ringing stopped and my heart skipped a beat. I could hear him lightly breathing on the other end.
“I love you. You may not love me, but god damnit. That isn’t going to change how I feel.” I spat out quickly.
The breathing stopped, and the line clicked. If it were possible for my heart to break anymore than it already was, it would have.
I set the phone down on the bed next to me, and slowly rubbed my eyes. What the fuck was I doing? I was in love with someone who hated me in the purest form; ignorance. I’ve been trying to win him back for four months and it’s not working. I’m wasting my time and energy on someone who used me. I need to do something to better myself instead of destroying myself.
I got up off of my bed, and went into the bathroom. I turned the water on warm, and stripped, then stepped in. I didn’t feel the water on my skin, so I turned the water all the way to hot. The only way I could tell it was on me was that my skin was turning red. I scrubbed and scrubbed at it until it felt almost raw, but I didn’t care because at least I was feeling something.
i got out of the shower after about an hour, and the sun was beginning to rise. I grabbed a grey sweater and a pair of ripped blue jeans, then put them on. I brushed my hair for the first time in months, and slipped on a pair of black converse. I already felt somewhat better. I was wearing something other than sweatpants, and my hair wasn’t a mess. I knew that it wouldn’t fill the empty hole inside of me, but at least it was a start.

Gerard’s POV
Heartless. That’s what I have to be. I have to cover my fucking mouth to keep from speaking to him when he calls. God, it’s driving me crazy but what else could I really do? I can’t go back. I don’t even think he would take me back after the shit I’ve put him through.
Four months ago today was the day my world practically ended. I lost everyone I had.
Lindsey and Jimmy hardly even talk to me anymore, and we live together. At first they said that what I was going through wasn’t my fault, and that I shouldn’t beat myself up over it, but now they only say it wasn’t their faults either and to stop taking it out on them. I don’t have anyone, and maybe I could have just saved myself by keeping Frank around, but I had to do it. I can’t stay with him. It would kill me.
I don’t leave my house much anymore after that day. I’m lucky if I leave to go buy a pack of cigarettes. My parents came over the day after the worst day of my life. They said we needed to make “preparations” and I told them they needed to make preparations to be punched in the face if they didn’t leave my house. They left without hesitation, but not before telling me to grow up and stop acting like the world is out to get me. Sometimes it’s hard to believe the people who don’t love you. Even when you know you should.
“Gerard, do you want another pack? Jimmy and I are going out.” Lindsey said from the doorway. I rolled over on my bed and gave her a small smile. “Please.”
Jimmy got back at me for the punch by smoking every hidden pack of cigarettes I had, so now he buys me them to make up for it. I don’t mind, obviously, but I can’t rely on them so much. No one is ever around as long as you think they’re going to be. Even if they promise you they will be.
Life is crazy like that. You have the shittiest time of your life, find something good, blink, and it’s gone. Blink again, and it’s four months later.
When your life is like this, you try not to blink at all.

Notes

Hey guys! I just wanted to quickly let you know that I do apologize for never replying to comments, but that doesn't mean I don't read them. In fact, I love reading them! I adore hearing your guys' theories and thoughts about what has happened in the latest chapters, and it makes me feel more connected with you all. I never expected this story to get as far or reach as many people as it did, and for that, I thank all of you. This story still has miles to go, so hang on for the ride.
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-Goth Claudia