"What fuels the world? 'Love.' What fuels the world? 'Hate.' What fuels the world the most? 'Love and hate,life and death.'"
-
"Why do you crave touch?" Frank clutched out of the hug,going straightly to the matter. The hug was so intimate,it made Frank feel like he knew Gerard for so long. Or as if he was his long lost lover,which wasn't the case in any matter.
"I sometimes get this awful feeling like,some shivers and craving. It mixes together and creates this melancholy that i can't get rid of. Do you get me?"
Gerard asked with a bunch of question marks that were floating above his head.
He thought that Frank didn't know the feeling but it was actually quite the controary. Shivers moved down Frank's body as the boy whose eyes lit up when all the light went out talked about his problems and his worries.
Frank shook his head in disbelief even though there was none. "Gerard,please. Can you- can you tell me the real reason why you hugged me?" He asked him while glancing at his hands whose nervousness caused figeting.
"I think that's actually up to you." Gerars proclaimed.
Frank's eyebrows frowned. "I don't get what you want to say."
"The thing is,you can take this in any way you want. I hugged you because i needed it,because i needed you or just simply because i'm a creeper that scares the living shit out of you." His smirked grew larger as he spoke. Frank started to get tired of these deep thoughts Gerard was having. The ultimate question here was- Was this a hug for Gerard or from Gerard. There was no mention of these stuff when Frank was alone. Being alone was great in a way because you could never fail another person. The only person you could fail was yourself.
And that made Frank sad a lot.
Frank figured it was time to get to know Gerard a little bit more. Gerard was currently in advantage because he knew more about Frank than he knew about him. He also knew that there was no point in discovering personal stuff about Gerard on his own,so he figured it would be better if he just asked.
"What's your name?" Frank spurted out sweating because he didn't know his whole name.
"The name is Gerard Way."
My name is Gerard,by the way.
Frank wanted to smack himself or Gerard because this fucker that was sitting right next to him,made a fucking pun out of his name the first time they met.
Gerard started to giggle and it made flowers grow inside Frank's stomach. Even though Frank should've been scared or something but he wasn't feeling like running away from Gerard anymore. He's done it already two times,he was not going to do it again. Especially not now,when Gerard started to talk.
"You made a fricking pun when we met. You fuck. Not only that,you actually told me your name." Frank closed his eyes so that he doesn't have to look at him. Frank was trying to stop a smile but he was failing miserably.
"Another fun fact: I am a sneaky fuck."
A handsome sneaky fuck were Frank's thoughts that he shook quickly while blushing.
Gerard's eyes were stil vibrant. The hazel colour sparkled brighter than anything in the room. Most likely, brighter than anything in the world. There was just something about them that drew Frank closer to this peculiar boy.
Gerard sighed and started to touch certain strands that sticked out and smoothed them to his head. To Frank those strands didn't stick out. They looked perfect. He looked perfect. Frank understood that this kind of thinking will get him nowhere. Gerard probably didn't care about Frank at all. Probably not even the slightest. Or that's at least what Frank thought.
"Tell me what you're thinking about?" Gerard spurted out while he catched Frank staring at him,wide eyeded.
Frank was caught a bit of guard. He was too busy trying to figure out the meaning behind the colour that Gerard's hazel eyes had. It sparkled and had a great sense of comfort. Frank felt safe while looking at them and with these thinking he sat closer to Gerard,their hands touching,Frank's palm over Gerard's fingers. His palm was touching his fingers and Frank didn't even feel it. The only thing he was interested in the moment were those hazel eyes and nothing was stopping Frank from staring at him.
At that moment he felt like nothing could touch him. He felt invincible. Staring at those eyes just made an effect on Frank that couldn't be described in words. Maybe it could be described with a tune,a melody or a painting. But words? No,words didn't cut it this time.
"I am thinking about your eyes." Frank admited,realizing that lying was not the option. He really sucked at having normal conversations with people.
Gerard closed his eyes,making Frank look away. "What is so special about them? What made you think about them?" Gerard said with his eyes closed and a small smirk on his lips.
"Why aren't you thinking about other parts of my body? I am quite sure that i have some other things interesting besides my fucking eyes?" Frank didn't know what Gerard was implaying here, but it looked like Gerard was having so much fun.
"I-I am not. What? No- i just." Frank tangled himself in words because of the awkwardness and the only thing he wanted now was to launch himself to space and to find another habitable planet so that nobody knows him there. But even if that was possible, Frank was pretty sure he would fuck up that place somehow pretty soon.
"No,seriously. You can look at me as long as you like. I think it would be a privilege to be observed by you." This darhaired boy admitted while pulling his fingers underneath Frank's palm.
"Oh,okay." Were the only words Frank managed to get out of him.
"It's getting really late and i have somewhere to be,but before i go,can i give you something?" Those last words made Frank jump a little because he had bravery like a chicken leg and not only that,he was also paranoid as fuck. According to his manic thoughts, Gerard could possibly give him a granade, a flippin spider,the secret whether aliens exist or not or maybe just maybe...
Gerard started to get closer to Frank and Frank was already freaking out and was sat in the same position without moving. It was as if he was frozen in place. Gerard took Frank's hands and intertwined their fingers. Frank couldn't stop blushing and as Gerard was getting closer each second, Frank was thinking about running away but that wasn't an option because he was too curious on what the hell is going to happen when their faces touch.
Gerard put his hands on the left side of Frank's face,hovering his cheekbone.
Gerard placed a kiss on Frank's right side of the face, a little bit too near to his mouth,which made Frank to cause a quiet gasp. Gerard's lips were soft and held onto Frank's skin for far too long than expected. The odor of flowers filled Frank's nostrils. Gerard detached himself out of their clutch.
He started to get up and leave,still holding his hand on Frank's body. He then again whispered to Frank who believed he was going to get another kiss.
Gerard just softly whispered. "Don't worry,you'll get more in the future."
Frank stared at Gerard's back,wondering about what the hell is he gonna do and thinking thoughts that were not allowed in his catholic family or school. He knew that when he came home,he will be forced to think sweet memories of the pecualiar boy while doing things that were extremely forbidden in his catholic surrounding.
-
Gerard sat in his room,sitting and thinking about what the hell should he do next?
Will he just ruin this boy's life for the sake of his pleasure or will he leave him be in excange of his misery and regret?
He didn't wanna let Frank go. He was too goddamn interesting to let go. But then again,there were far more serious stuff that came along if you got involved with Gerard Way. Gerard Way believed he destroyed evertthing in his awaken. He destroyed every single relationship he had. His parents and family just didn't care. The only thing he got left was his stupid little brother who knew him just all to well.
Gerard got rid of his "friends" easily but his brother wasn't leaving his side because they made a pact when they were younger. The pact was made after a stupid fight of who will eat the last cookie from Christmas or something. They agreed to never fight again. Their parents had brothers and sisters and none of them talked to their relatives. Mikey,his brother and Gerard just wanted to prove the fuckers on how wrong they were. Their 'perfect' family always told them how they will lose the fight and become just like them. Shortly after,in a matter of revenge,Gerard and Mikey decided to defy them. So,the pact was made and it was holding on strongly for already six years. Gerard hoped it would last like that forever. The pact wasn't perfect,they did fight a lot but they didn't show that to other people.
Even though,he couldn't get rid of his brother,he sure as hell got rid of every single person that cared about him.
There was a time in his life when he just started with drogs. He really got on the edge and his beloved friends tried to stop him. And they did. Gerard got sober for awhile and then he realized how big of a fuck up he is. Then he started to think about ending his life. Life didn't really make much sense,especially when you are that young and you already fucked up everything you could.
He pushed away his friends so that when he made that jump to the unknown nobody would feel sorry for him and nobody would cry. But then one morning he saw his younger brother sleeping on the floor next to his bed,clutching on to his hand. He then realized that at least he could try to stay alive for him,for Mikey,the only person that never failed him. Sometimes,brotherly love was bigger than any other.
Gerard did not stay alive just for Mikey. He also stayed alive for the sky that gets dark in a matter of seconds,for the wind that blows before rain starts to fall,for the grey sky that reminded him of the good childhood he had.
He was also hoping that he could add something else to the list,maybe another person. Maybe someone who's presence made his heart beat faster. Someone who makes him think about what to say next.
Maybe,just maybe.
-
Walls of Frank's room looked like they needed to be painted. It practicly looked like someone threw up on them. I guess that's what you get when your parents don't even have the money to pay off bills regulary. He did not blame them for it. He blamed the goverment and the economy for it. He also knew that he was too young to think about bills and taxes but he also knew that there will be a time when he will need to start thinking about that. If only time could stop itself so that he doesn't need to worry about that ever. Sometimes he thought about how easier it was to live back in the days when bills didn't even exist. The unfortunate thing about the past was the thing that they would die young. Probably killed by an animal or something.
The next thing he didn't really need was his mother knocking on the door. His exact thoughts were mum please go away. Can't you see i am having an existencial crisis over here? Jesus,mum.
His mother entered the door and as she entered,the smell of freshly baked cookies came with her. Those fucking cookies were not for the Iero family,they were for the church sale. Sometimes Frank thought about the fact that his mother likes homeless people and other people that church provided with "money and important stuff" more than him.
"Honey."
Honey,are you kidding me?
Since when we are on honey?
The expression that Frank made made his mother worried because he opened his eyes widely in desbelief.
"Um,how did you spend your time in hospital?"
Apperantly group therapy was a sensitive word in his house and should be avoided in case of questioning yourself if you're crazy.
Frank didn't think what he'll say. He just did. "Mom,I'm not allowed to say what happened."
"Wait,why?" His mother was nervous and wanted to know if that was a general rule or if Frank was more fucked up than she thought.
"Don't worry,ma. It's just a thing they have there. It's because they don't know who knows who and they don't want any consequances and just y'know general stuff. They don't want any trouble."
Frank thoroughly explained while staring everywhere but his mothers eyes. He could not look into eyes of other human beings. It was unbereable and the only person who he could look without any problem was Gerard Way.
Goddammit,Gerard Way.
He was blushing in front of his mom and nothing could stop the redness of his face. His mom looked at him like he was insane and he knew he was not far from it.
"Do you want to eat something? I am making something special today." His mother offered Frank a crooked smile.
"What are we having?" Frank raised his eyebrows.
"I made some vegetables."
Yes.
"And meat."
No.
"Uh,i think i am gonna skip."
Frank decided that it's better to avoid eating something that was mixed with meat in it. His mum wasn't taking a no for an answer if Frank said that he doesn't wanna eat meat. His parents didn't want his son to be different.
God knows what would happen if someone accidentely sticked out?
God forbid.
-
Mikey Way was a strange plant as some people liked to call him. Not only was he extremely tall,his height was not actually that impresing. His long legs gave him and others the impression of being even taller than he actually was.
Every single other person and himself,indeed liked to make height jokes about his brother. Most of the time,people liked to compare the height difference which sometimes made his brother angry. He got over it,though.
Even though,he was taller than his brother,people always knew that his brother was older. Three years difference was a big one but it only bothered them when they were younger,now it didn't really matter. Mikey being eightteen and his brother twenty one. They get along even more now that Mikey is not a minor in Europe and Gerard was not a minor in the whole world. It was fun to think like that.
Mikey always took care of his brother,even though he was younger. One time,Gerard even complained when he was getting him out of some wrecked crack house he was overdosing in. A person would think that an overdosed person would be thankful or at least angry or something,but no,Gerard complanied because Mikey was doing his job.
Mikey Way wasn't one of those people that would give up on the people he loved. He made that promise to himself the first time Gee wrecked himself.
He was not the perfect brother,though. He had his troubles,but at the moment Gerard had bigger ones. So he took that as a priority.
Mikey Way didn't need this shit,but he was gonna survive this. Or that was at least what he believed.
"Mikey?" Gerard called out. His head sticking out of the door that he just opened.
"Yeah?" Responding was the best thing to do to Gerard because that boy really got scared when his brother wasn't responding.
"I really need advice." Gerard sighed while he took a safe step entering Mikey's room. Gerard knew that he was going to want more information than he was willing to give him but he really needed advice and it wasn't like Gerard had someone else to speak to.
Mikey moved his hair out of his face so that he can see his brother more clearly. Gerard looked concerned and it made Mikey scared because seeing his brother concerned either meant he was scared to fall under the influence of drugs. Mikey didn't want him to and Gerard didn't want that because of Mikey.
"I am listening." Mikey said with a 'i am smiling but actually i am really scared for you' face.
Gerard made eye contact with his brother,looking straight in his eyes. "Listen Mikey,there's this one person..."
Mikey just twiched at the word 'person'. Gerard was blushing like hell itself only by thinking of Frank which made him feel like he was fifteen again. Mikey squinted his eyes and made a straight line out of his mouth looking all sceptical and shit.
Gerard started to look at the ceiling which made Mikey giggle out of the knowledge that Gerard was nervous about this 'certain' person.
The staring at the ceiling brought Mikey back into past when they still lived with their parents,only then Gee was looking at the ceiling after their parents found out that Gerard had a male company that was more than a friend. And Gerard was holding tears in his eyes as his father molested him verbally. His brain was already a mess back then,but that verbal violence his father was such a fan of only made it worse.
Soon after the way down to hell began.
Mikey giggled because this was a good situation and Mikey smiled with the biggest smile ever which was weird because Mikey was not one of those people who smiled often.
"Yeah,okay. What about this person?" Mikey taped around the area carefully just in case Gerard didn't wanna tell him. Mikey wanted to know about this person and he was going to find out.
Gerard looked at him in a weird way before he started to talk. "So listen, i've been in a group therapy..."
"Wait,you were? I thought you didn't wanna go? That it was boring and it,i will quote you 'killed your inspiration.'" Mikey protested.
"Just shut up and listen to me,you nerd."
"Look,whose saying,nerd."
"Ugh,there is this boy." Gerard started to explain.
"A boy? Where?" Mikey's eyes widened in excitement.
"Shut up! I need advice and i am going to leave unless you let me talk. So shut up and don't interrupt me." Gerard put his finger to his lips in order to make his brother to shut up.
"Okay." Gerard sat on his brothers bed next to his brother.
"So,he's probably a little bit scared of me."
Mikey started to laugh because this was Gerard and he was awkward next to anyone he ever liked. Gerard was always special in fucking things up with people.
Gerard sent him a evil glare that caused Mikey to stop.
"I met him in the hospital when i was waiting for the doctor to get me prescription for my meds. He was walking down the hall and my legs were spread out on the hallway and he could easily jump over them but he didn't and he was staring at me and i started to talk and i said his name and he got scared and um,ran away."
Mikey was confused. "Why would he run away only by you knowing his name?"
"Well it's because he never introduced himself and i was at doctor Jackson and i saw his chart and i remebered his name and..."
"Gerard,you fucking creeper. You don't do that to people you just met."
"He was,y'know cute and i couldn't help it."
Mikey raises his eyebrows. "So we are already at the cute stage. He must be special."
Gerard sighed deeply because his brother was getting way too much fun out of this. Brotherly love was so weird. They hated each other sometimes as much as they loved each other.
It was weird and it made no sense but that was the only kind of love Gerard knew.
Mikey understood it was time to provide his brother with advices. He had none and he was making them by the way. God knew that he did everything this way. Making things by the way,but doing it brilliantly.
"First off,don't be a fucking creeper. You ain't gonna get anything out of him...Why the fuck are you smiling?"
Gerard was smiling at the getting something part because he already did,even though it was small as it was.
"I kinda got a hug and a kiss."
"You what?" Mikey screamed in excitement,wide-eyeded.
"A kiss in the cheek,don't worry." Gerard explained.
Mikey furrowed his eyebrows and Gerard knew there was a question coming up. Mikey Way sometimes really made a dead serious face. "What are your intentions with this boy?"
"I have a houndred wishes and that boy is included in every single one."
-
Gerard looked at his brother laughing his ass off. It was making him amused and angry at the same time.
Immature was all that Gerard could think of when describing his brother. Eightteen was not an age that Gerard considered as being and adult or even being an adult. He knew that all too well because he was twenty one and he acted like a child sometimes. Frank on the other hand was matture for his age. When Gerard saw his medical chart he saw that Frank was only seventeen and Gerard already knew that he was playing with fire. Playing with fire was worth getting your fingers burnt because of people like Frank. Gerard smiled at the thought of Frank. He was acting like a girl from a teenage movie.
Mikey was calming himself down so he could talk. Apperantly,Mikey find it really amusing that Gerard has wishes and that he is going to include Frank in every single one.
The thing that his brother didn't know was the fact that Gerard had a list of wishes. They were written inside his head and the wishes went from a kissing a boy he likes in the morning sun to standing naked at the top of the mountain (if it's possible with a boy he likes,in this case that was Frank).
And in that moment Gee knew he was fucked. He admited to himself that he has a thing for Frank.
Love was sometimes a strange thing for Gerard and the only kind of love he knew was the one he felt for his brother.
Stupid Frank caused feelings to gather in his stomach and he wanted the world to know all the colours of flowers and butterflies Frank Iero put in his stomach.
He wanted to lay down at his bed,arms around Frank while he touched his hair which would lead to some other activities.
Gerard needed to stop himself before his brother noticed that he was gonna get a boner just by thinking about this fluffy headed fuck.
As he managed to stop thinking about anything that involved Frank,his brother was looking at him straight in his eyes.
"I hope you get what you want out of that guy." Mikey said as he exhaled.
"I'll try." Gerard said with his vision blurry,not because he was crying,but because he saw his brother laugh for good five minutes.
Another reason to stay alive. Hearing his brother laugh.
-
Frank was laying on his bedroom floor. Thinking about Gerard really didn't help his situation at all. All he could think about was that scruffy black hair of his and the strands that Gerard smoothed to his head,even though he didn't need to. Frank knew that he should be afraid of him but he just couldn't force himself into doing that. When he saw Gerard's hazel eyes as the only colour in the room,he knew that running would not help him.
The situation he had with him was rather confusing. Frank did not believe in love. Frank has seen mothers that love their children and vice versa,he's seen people that love the work they do,he's seen people that love music and believe in it,even though it wasn't giving them any profit. But love between couples,never. He saw his mum and dad and the only thing he saw was obligation. Maybe,they were in love when they were younger,or maybe when they got married it was just a bunch of hormones that caused them to do what was expected of every single catholic individual. Get married,have kids,go to church and die.
He didn't blame his parents,though. They were programmed to work like that and to think that they were free.
The love in romance novels didn't exist in real life and he knew that all too well.
And that was the reason he didn't know where he standed with Gerard Way. It scared the shit out of him when he started to think about them as a couple. But he couldn't really list him under his friends list. Everybody knew that Frank'a list was goddamn empty,so Frank didn't even know how it was to have a friend. Was Gerard a friend? Friend? Do friends give each other kiss on the cheek? Well,they do. But that intimate? Frank didn't believe it. Girls could do that stuff because they had no 'no homo' complex and Frank sometimes admired them for that.
All of a sudden Frank froze and every cell in his body stopped as he came to the acknowledgment. Was he gay? Did he like like Gerard fucking Way? He was still going to a catholic school and if anyone found out he would be crucified in the main hallway.
Frank's body started to shake that he actually liked a guy in that way. He didn't really know anything about affection because he was never in love with a girl and it was hard to think about romance of sorts when the only thing you wanted was to die constantly.
But Gerard,Gerard god dammit-
"Honey,but you really need to eat something. Please,stop sitting on the floor,you'll get a cold."
Frank didn't even notice his mother coming in. His inner thoughts were exploding under the pressure.
His mum was stubborn and demanded from Frank to come down. Frank was all like 'dear mom,can't you see that i am trying to figure out who i am? Sincerely,your maybe gay son Frank.'
In two minutes he was sitting at the kitchen table,avoiding meat as much as it is possible. His mum and Satan were having small talk. Nothing important as always. That was probably part of the program. Talking about weather and gossiping about the people that lived next door.
Frank was sick and tired and as he managed to somehow return meat in to the bowl,feeling all succesfull because he managed to do that without his parents noticing,his father interrupted his thoughts.
"So Frank,how was school today?" His father asked totally oblivious to the point that it was Saturday.
"Dad,it's um,Saturday. There is no school today." He answered politely as he could but he couldn't do that without at least a little scowling. His dad,pardon Satan was good when it came to realizing which day it was. Was it because he was drunk or because he worked in shifts and every day just blended into one other he may never know.
His dad aka Satan was looking at his plate,putting his fork down with a determined face. Frank felt like a question was gonna come and he was right as always.
"Frank,have you thought about your future?" His dad said with a straight line of his lips that his face made.
"Hon,not now." His mother interrupted with a stern look on her face.
"No,i am going to ask now because i have every right too. I am the head of the house and the importance goes like this- God,me and then all of you."
Good for you.
The fact that he compared his importance to some sort of a saint was beyond non-catholic. But that was just how Satan acted and Frank and his mother got used to it a long time before.
Frank figured it was better to lie than to say that he genuinly didn't know what to do regarding his future. It was hard because Frank saw no future. There was just this black hole that represented what was gonna come next. He lived day by day in hope that he's not gonna kill himself in the process. Sometimes he was goddamn close to that. Lying seemed like the only option and Frank was trying to figure out what to say.
"And?" His father was pushing him to say something and causing pressure that made Frank to shut his mouth even more. But not this time. He was a coward but he also wanted to take his father of his back.
"I want-I want to do something in the field of,uhm art." Frank coughed as he said art because he knew what his father is going to say on that.
"Art? Frank,you know you can't live out of art. Be sensible." His father was keen on doing the 'no art,no individuality' thing way too often and Frank really wanted to know what would Gerard think about Frank's plans for the future. All of a sudden,Frank found himself thinking about Gerard and his black hair and those fucking strands,God,he had an unhealthy obsession with his hair. And those fucking legs. There was nothing special about them,but they were longer than Frank's and to be real,everybody had longer legs than Frank,Frank was fucking short. As his father was talking about the importance of his academic life and all,Frank's blood was rushing not only in his head,if you know what i mean. He knew that he needed to get away to the bathroom or his room before the state gets too critical.
"Yeah dad,i just-umm. I think I'll probably get a scholarship because i have good grades and excelent behaviour,so that will help out". Frank explained as he started to get away from the table,taking a fricking tissue from the table to hide the little hump that his pants now had.
"Are you okay,sweetie?" His mum yelled from the kitchen table.
Frank muttered in response the only thing he could come up with. "I am fine,mum."
-
Frank ran to his room so he could take those fucking skinny jeans off so he could jerk off in silence. Before he even started,he made sure that he closed the goddamn door and lock them before he even took any action. He collapsed on the bed and his hand wandered below his stomach to the place that was now already hard.
It was then that the realization hit him. He was going to jerk off because of Gerard fucking Way. If that wasn't like a big neon sign that said 'YOU'RE FUCKING GAY,DEAL WITH IT!' than Frank didn't know what was.
He figured he was going to do that without any fucking regret. I mean,that's what people do? Jerk off to people they like?
But this was Gerard we were talking about. Gerard wasn't just a person you liked. He was fucking special and Frank was certain that Gerard didn't even know that,which probably made him special even more. Gerard was also completely unconventional and it made Frank feel weird. Frank felt all sorts of stuff towards him. Once he even felt frightened. All those emotios made Frank realize that there was definitely some affection.
Frank was done thinking and his hand rested on his lower stomach for far too long.
The world could literally end but he would still be jerking off to the though of fucking Gerard with no regrets.
-

Notes

This fucking chapter took to long to write. I am sorry but hey we've got bit of smutty stuff. Hella! Next chapter will come when i fucking write it. Which i hope will be soon. If you liked this chapter please give some votes comments and of course if there was something you didn't like also comment it. I love ya all!! ♥♥