In My Mind Only

I covered my ears as Gerard continued knocking on my door, I didn’t wanna hear it. I don’t want to talk to him. I can’t talk to him, really. I was still thinking about what to do even though it’d almost been a week, and if I’m being honest, I haven’t been really thinking about it. I’ve been working as much as my body would let me and then doing PT when I wasn’t at the diner. Throughout that time, I’d trained a new worker and he and I were actually becoming friends. Although being social wasn’t really my thing anymore, I didn’t mind him kind of being clingy. His attempts to talk to me all the time were very appreciated and felt nice.

Bert was an all-around nice guy. He reminded me of a rowdier Gerard and maybe that’s why I didn’t mind him in the first place. The guy could sing, too, and a lot of us enjoyed hearing him sing during closing time.

“Frank, please, just open up. I’ve gotta talk to you,” Gerard said, knocking again, his voice sounding tired. I sighed and walked to the front door and took a deep breath before opening it.

“What?” I asked sharply. He seemed shocked that I even opened the door, but I shrugged the look away.

“Can I come in?” I stepped aside and let him in, closing the door behind him. I was off today and it was already night. I just wanted to curl up on my couch and watch a movie, maybe fall asleep there, too. Whatever. “Look, I just want you to know that Ray and I aren’t dating. We’re quite civil, actually,” he explained. I shrugged.

“And?” I answered, wanting him to get to the point.

“Well, I just thought you’d want to know how that was going and everything,” he said shyly, looking down at the floor between us.

“I hadn’t actually thought about it, sorry.” He looked up into my eyes, the eyes I loved so much and still did. They’re were beautiful and looked at me with so much emotion held in them that I felt like I mattered to someone. To Gerard. And that’s what mattered.

“Oh.” We stayed silent for a while, just standing there and then sitting as soon as I offered him a seat. “How have you been?” He asked quietly.

“I’ve just been okay, I guess. Kind of made a new friend from a trainee at work, been working out, and studying,” I said.

“I’m glad you’ve made a new friend. Look, Frank, about what happened…” He sighed. “I still really want us to be together. I wouldn’t ever cheat on you, especially when you were away at basic training,” he said, giving me that same pleading look he did a week ago. I looked down at my hands in my lap and shrugged again.

“I have no idea what to do, Gerard. I was so happy and when I saw that, it just reminded me of when Ray left me all that while ago. It brought up terrible feelings and thoughts and I didn’t want to deal with that just before leaving. My thoughts are really confused, but I do know that I love you.”

“Then give us another chance, Frankie. You and I, we have something special and I don’t care if you think I sound pathetic right now, I’d only ever act this way with you. Because you’re the only one I love this much,” he said softly, looking into my eyes and never wavering. I gave him a small smile.

“Gerard, let me get through basic first. Let me do that and I’ll come back for you, okay?” I offered. This was all I could give him right now. I leave for basic in a couple of weeks and graduate in a few days. School, honestly, just wasn’t important. All of my grades were above average and I was going to be graduating, but I wasn’t planning on walking the stage. I was planning on spending it with Gerard, and maybe I still can.

His smile faltered. “Okay, Frank. We’ll do that.” I gave him all my respect for trying for me. He took my hand in his and held it tightly, causing my cheeks to flush. “So tell me about this friend of yours?” He offered, no doubt trying to talk to me as much as possible. I could read him like a neon sign.

“He’s a really nice guy and he’s funny, too. Not only that, but he’s also a singer,” I said, thinking about the other man from work. “His name is Bert.” His smile faded and his eyes grew darker.

“What’s his last name?” He asked, voice low. I raised my brow.

“Mc-something or another. Why?” I asked curiously. He chewed on his lip for a while before finally answering my question.

“That’s my ex,” he explained, a scowl present on his face. “He’s bad news, Frankie. I can’t stress that enough.”

“How is he bad? He’s really nice and makes us all laugh during closing duties.” He sighed.

“It’s been years since I’ve seen him, so maybe he’s changed- I don’t know. Just, if he ever comes around here, watch for his sticky fingers,” he warned. I nodded.

“He’s not going to be coming around here, Gerard. We’re work friends, not best friends.” He nodded and we stayed silent for a while. “How are the last days of school going?” I asked after a while, wanting to fill the silence. He shrugged.

“The kids are all on edge. All of them passed and, not to be rude, but I was kinda surprised by that,” he chuckled. “I feel bad about it, like I didn’t believe in them enough.”

“I’m sure every teacher feels that way, Gee,” I said softly. “When’s graduation?” I asked.

“Same night as yours, I believe. I’m one of the teacher having to be on the field and all that, so I’ll be there. Sorry I’m missing yours.” His voice is sad and full of regret and it hurts me, to say the least. I put my hand on his shoulder.

“I’m not attending my graduation, so, if it’ll help you, I’ll go sit in the stands and wait for you,” I offered.

“You’re not going? Frankie, you have to. It’s your graduation!” He stressed. I sighed, exhaling through my nose.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t see the appeal of walking away alone when it’s done. I’d made the decision not to walk the stage when I transferred schools, and I’m sure you realized it as well.” After a while, he nodded and leaned his head against my shoulder.

“Yeah,” he says, catching me off guard. I don’t understand what he means until he gives a better answer. “Come to the graduation and wait for me there,” he says softly in the silence of the apartment. There’s nothing but the sound of the central air humming when it turns on. I smiled and put my arm around him.

“I really love you, Frankie,” he mumbled.

“I really love you, too, Gerard,” I answered. He sighed softly.

“We’re going to make it. I know we are,” He said. I nodded.

“Yeah.”

Notes

This story is about to wrap up, but I hope there are still some people who are reading this. This story definitely isn't one of my best, but I'm planning on revising it one day and making it better. I hope you've enjoyed this chapter!

Much love,
-OAIF <3