In My Mind Only

“Babe, I don’t see any problem with it,” I said, clearly annoyed with my older boyfriend throwing a fit at the corner of the bed. He huffed, like a kid, causing me to roll my eyes.

“You’re not fully better, Frankie! School, I can understand, but work? That’s an entirely different thing! Bad enough you did a shit ton of cardio while I was at work. It would’ve been better to find you jerking off than doing push-ups!” he said, throwing his hands up in the air to emphasize his point. I put a hand on my hip, raising my brow.

“I get that you’re older than me, Gerard, but you still can’t stop me from doing what I want or need to. I leave for basic in three weeks. You convinced my boss to not fire me, and I don’t want to let him down. I’m going back to work. Tomorrow. In the morning. And then returning to school come Monday.” He opened his mouth, about to argue, I could fucking tell, but I glared harshly at him and he closed it. We stayed in the same spots for a moment before he eventually let out a sigh.

“Fine, fine, do what you need to. I’m just… worried. I don’t want you to get too exhausted from overworking yourself too soon. Promise me you’ll take it easy?” He asked. I broke my glare, smiling softly at him.

“I’ll do my best, but you know me.” He smiled brightly, opening his arms to me and I crawled into his arms, settling on his lap. He kissed my head and set his chin on my shoulder. I loved being like this with him, with no problems too big for us. But we weren’t done with everything quite yet. A week ago, Gerard promised me that he’d break up with Ray and that’s when we started dating, but he hadn’t done it yet. Obviously, that frustrated me, but today was the day. He invited Ray over to break up with him, but I couldn’t stay because I needed to stay settling back in my apartment. My lease was still on and Evelyn was kind enough to give me a break with this past month’s rent, but I couldn’t take advantage of her kindness, so I needed to head back.

“How long are you going to be gone, Frankie?” Gerard asked quietly. Frank shrugged.

“I’m just taking my stuff back and then I’ll spend one more night here with you. That sound good?” I asked, making sure.

“Yes. I’d be sad if you didn’t. Ray will be here in a few minutes. Did you want to stay here for the ordeal?” I shook my head.

“As long as he leaves with a tear in his eye, then I’m cool with heading out right now,” I said as I stood up, Gerard taking that opportunity to give my bottom a slap. I jumped, turning to face him. Gerard threw his head back, letting out a loud laugh, making me glare at him again.

“Your face!” He laughed. “That look was so cute!” He said. I crossed my arms over my chest. He noticed the look on my face and went over to me, pulling me into a big hug, giggling like a baby. The sound and smile on his face warming my heart and making me smile. Just as our lips were about to touch in a quick kiss, someone knocked on the door. I automatically tensed, but Gerard just rubbed my arms, trying to relax me. “It’s okay, baby. Get your stuff and I’ll let him in.” I nodded and walked to the living room where my bags were residing as Gerard went to the door and opened it.

“Hey, babe,” Ray said, I quickly looked back, feeling extremely possessive. Gerard, from over ray’s shoulder where he was hugging him, shook his head and mouthed at me to behave. I bit my lip and started making more noise as I was getting my bag in my hand. “Hey, Frank! How’ve you been?” He asked, looking over at me. He was smiling, like, a sincere smile and I suddenly remembered the Ray I’d fallen for at one time. But that time was a long time ago, and he didn’t matter to me anymore. Gerard did.

“I’ve been doing better. Thanks for asking,” I said politely, with a small smile. “I’m gonna be heading out now, Gerard. I’ll be back later,” I informed the older man who blew me a kiss from behind Ray. I smirked and headed out the door. Half way through the walk, I realized my stamina was a lot better than I thought. I was proud of that. Had it not been really sunny, I wouldn’t have been sweating at all.

When I was talking to Evelyn about my apartment and rent and how my stuff was going to be storage while I was away, I couldn’t help but think about how things were at Gerard’s. Had he done it? What was Ray’s reaction? How did Gerard say it? I shook the thoughts away from my mind and paid attention to what my landlady was saying.

“So the options I can offer you are to pay me half the rent you are now to keep your apartment with your things in it or I can offer you some space in my own personal storage, but it’s a little far from here, sweetheart. Honestly, keepin’ your things in the apartment would be cheaper since you’d have to hire someone to take the things over there for ‘ya,” she offered. I nodded my head.

“You’re right. I think I’ll do that instead. If there comes a time where I stop paying, then you’re more than welcome to get rid of everything,” I tell her. She gives me a small smile and nods her head. “I’ll be returning tomorrow afternoon, right after work and I’ll be able to hand you the money order then, if that’s okay?” I made sure.

“Of course, honey. Tell that friend of yours thank you for taking such care of you! You’re lookin’ much better.” I smile.

“Thank you so much for everything. I know I haven’t been the best person you’ve rented out to, but I appreciate all the faith you have in me.” She smiles and shoos me on my way. She was amazing and I really owed her a lot. Every time she went grocery shopping, she always stopped by to ask what I needed and got everything for me; she was a lovely, motherly woman. She let me rent out an apartment while having no credit and no one to vouch for me and she didn’t have to. I wished she was my mother.

I thought back to my parents and wondered how they were doing. I was thankful for being eighteen, so I couldn’t be forced back. But I kicked myself for being concerned. I sighed, taking my key out and unlocking the door before going inside. I set my bags of clothes and other items Gerard had gotten me for the apartment and then went to take a shower. As much as I love Gerard, I missed taking a regular shower by myself. Most times, I didn’t mind my face being pushed against the wall, but believe me when I say that this guy’s sex drive was insatiable. I understand now why women sometimes fake headaches.

“I better get back to the apartment,” I mumbled to myself after getting dressed. I shrug on some clothes and head out the door, locking it and walking my way back to Gerard’s. After passing the only busy street, I took off into a light jog, feeling my muscles burning and my breathing slightly increase. This felt so good. I hadn’t been able to go for a run in a long time and I didn’t realize I’d missed it so much. I sped up my pace into a full speed run and made it to Gerard’s in ten minutes flat. I’d ran well over a mile by then and was feeling slightly dizzy. My head was fuzzy and my breathing was labored. I decided to take a lap around the parking to let my heart rate slow on its own. In JROTC, I was taught that type of thing. I didn’t know it was important to not stop fully after a run, but I was thankful for everything I learned about it.

After calming down, I walked into Gerard’s home with a smile on my face, only for it to drop. Ray and Gerard were kissing fiercely and I felt my heart tear in two. One week. Our relationship lasted one week. I loved this man. I was prepared to trust him while I left for Basic, and it looks like this was the better outcome. Better for him to cheat now than to find out through a fucking Dear John letter later on.

“Oh. Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt,” I say bitterly. They quickly separated and looked over at me, eyes wide. Ray looked like he was fucking for kissing his teacher and Gerard looked like he just shit his pants at Mass. Well, he was fucked all right.

“Frankie, I, we, this isn’t what it looked like,” he tried, quickly standing and heading over to me. I step away from him, glaring harshly into his eyes, trying my best to transfer all the hurt going through my heart right now to his.

“Save it,” I say curtly. I walk over to Ray and lean over him. “So break my heart and then steal my boyfriend? You really have a knack for hurting me, don’t you?” I say, not really wanting my answer. His eyebrows quirk in confusion as he looked over at Gerard. “Well, you can have him. I’m leaving.” Then I turned around and headed out of the door. I made it to the end of the parking lot before I felt my hand on my shoulder, quickly turning me around and then an embrace.

“Frankie, please, let me explain,” Gerard begs in my ear. I try to push him off of me, but his hold is stronger than I thought it would be. Maybe it was because I wasn’t using all of my energy. Maybe it was because I was too exhausted to deny it all. Maybe I was willing to hear him out because I didn’t want to lose him. I said nothing and stopped fighting. Hesitantly, he loosened his grip and pulled away a bit, keeping me in his arms. “I explained to Ray that I didn’t want to be with him. He cried and I consoled him and, I swear to God, that kiss was what he’d asked for. He said one more kiss and he’d be okay with letting me go. So I did it. I was leaning in for a quick peck or something, you know, noncommittal, but he pulled me in and really laid one on me,” he said without pausing for breath. “That’s when you walked in and I was trying to push him off, but the dude is stronger than he looks. Seriously. I wouldn’t lie to you, Frank. I love you and I want to be with you only.” I stood there, trying to find it in my heart to forgive him. Which was bullshit because I already had.

“Gerard, I don’t,” I sighed. “I don’t know if I can let that go. I understand why he asked for that, because I did too, but you’re mine. At least, you were. I don’t know, Gerard. Maybe this was all fucked from the beginning,” I say softly. Hurt flashes through his eyes, but I don’t look away.

“What are you saying, Frank?” He asked. I shrug, not really knowing myself. “Okay, you’re hurt. Just come back inside and we’ll sleep all this off and talk more about it tomorrow,” he says, trying to guide me back. I step away, shaking my head. I think all of this was a sign that he and I weren’t going working out in the long run. Maybe this was the universe’s way of telling me to save myself from a world of hurt by doing this. To be honest, I wasn’t even hurt about the kiss anymore, because I understand why Ray did it, but, like, I said, maybe this was a sign.

“I just need to go home and think, okay?” I said, taking another step away from him. “Maybe this was a sign,” I mutter. As I’m turning around to walk away, he hugs me from behind, clutching to me tightly.

“Please, Frank. I will do anything for you to stay,” he begs. I shut my eyes tightly trying to ignore how pathetic he sounded. He was an adult and he was beginning a kid, basically, to stay. But I didn’t hate him. I didn’t feel anything but pure love for the man. And I know I have a funny way of showing, if at all, but I love this man with everything I have left of myself. It wasn’t much, but it was everything to me.

“I love you, Gerard,” I say softly, leaning my head back against his shoulder.

“Then stay,” he cried. Actual tears were sitting my shirt and wetting it. Actual sobs were coming from his mouth. He was crying. For me. I don’t know what possessed me to do this, but I shook my head, tore from his hold and ran away as fast as I could. I needed some time to think about what I was going to do. And maybe when I did come to a decision, it would be too late, but I just needed to do this. Something in my gut was telling me to go and run.

Notes

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