In My Mind Only

“Here you go, Frankie,” I said as I sat down on the bed next to him. He smiled at me as he took the bowl of broth from my hands.

“Thank you, Gerard, but I’m not really hungry. Is it all right if I drink it later?” He asked.

“Here, let’s make a deal. Drink one spoonful every fifteen minutes and I won’t pester you about it too much,” I offered.

“But I’d like for you to pester me.” I gave him a smile, feeling my cheeks heating up ever so slightly.

“How about I give you a kiss for every spoonful?” He smiled wide, causing his eyes to squint and gleam with happiness. He stuck his hand out. I quickly grabbed his and shook it.

“Deal,” he said. He picked up the spoon and slowly raised it to his lips. After, very slowly, slurping up the broth and swallowing it, he put the bowl aside and held his arms out to me. I laughed, sliding into his arms and clutching onto his small frame. We stared into each other’s eyes, a small smile gracing both of our lips as we leaned into one another. Just as our lips were about to touch, a knock came upon my door, causing me to quickly jump away from him. Who the hell could that be? We’ve only been home for, like, ten minutes.

“Sorry. Let me go answer that, okay? Get some rest and-”

“Yeah, and don’t make a sound. I get it,” he interrupted me, turning over in our bed and snuggling under the blankets. I sighed and step out of the bedroom, closing the door as another knock came. I unlocked my door and swung the door open, feeling irritated with whoever decided to take me away from Frank.

“Ray?” I laughed nervously, “Wh-what are you doing here?” I asked, giving him an almost tight smile. He didn’t look happy, his eyes filled with tears threatening to spill at any moment. My irritated demeanor quickly disappeared as I pulled him into my arms. He quickly held onto me.

“Gerard, I just- my parents,” he sighed, squeezing me tighter. “I just had nowhere else to go. I’m sorry if I’m bothering you,” he mumbled into my shoulder.

“No, you’d never be a bother to me, Ray,” I assured him, soothing him as much as I could. “Come on, let’s get inside.” I pulled him inside and closed the door behind him. I walked him to the couch and sat down with him.

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to, but I am here if you need to talk, okay?” Ray nodded at my words and we continued to sit in silence for a bit before I heard the sounds of heaving come from my room. Oh shit.

“Who’s here?” Ray asked. I opened my mouth to speak but I couldn’t think of any excuse.

I was fucked.

Ray stood up and walked into my room before I could stop him. I froze in the doorway, looking at Ray who was absolutely stunned at the sight of Frank leaned over the bed, holding onto his chest. Coming to my senses, I rushed to Frank’s side and held him as tears spilled from his eyes.

“I’m-I’m so sorry, Gerard. Your-your carpet, I’m sorry! I’ll clean it up,” he cried, making a move to get out of bed. I held him in place.

“No. No, it’s okay, Frank. I’ll get you some water, okay? Don’t worry about the carpet,” I assured him. It was nothing but pure liquid since he hadn’t eaten anything solid in God knows how long. I grabbed a towel from the restroom and placed it over the mess.

“Frank?” Ray finally spoke. Frank looked up at me, clearly terrified, before looking over at Ray. “What are you doing in Gerard’s bed?” He asked. We stayed in silence for a while before I finally spoke up.

“I, um, ran into him a month ago and he didn’t exactly look well, so I gave him my contact information. Just in case he needed anything. He called me earlier, and here we are. I’m helping him get better, that’s all.” I didn’t miss the hurt look in Frank’s eyes, or the relief that went across Ray’s face. What the hell was wrong with me? I love Frank and I just fucking made him sound like he was nothing important to me.

“Oh. Are you okay, Frank?” Ray asked, now concerned for him. I left the room to get him a glass a water, and when I came back, Ray was sitting on the edge of the bed, telling Frank how everything at school was going. Although Frank look confused, hurt, and somehow relaxed all at once, he managed a reply whenever Ray stopped for one.

“What are you doing here, Ray?” Frank asked. This seemed to make Ray stop and look over to Gerard.

“Gerard and I are just really good friends, is all,” he said, his face holding a tight smile.

“Well, even though I’m not stupid enough to believe that, I’ll humor you both for the time being. I’m exhausted, so I’d like to get some sleep.” Then he turned over and pulled the blankets over his head. Ray sighed and stood up, leaving the room. Just before I closed the door, I heard him sniffle from his place under the blankets, causing my heart to jump out of my chest and make its way over to comfort Frank, but I didn’t move from my spot. I just closed the door and stayed in the living room with Ray. I fucked up so bad.

“Well, he hasn’t changed a bit,” Ray commented as we sat on my couch.

“He isn’t a bad guy,” I said. “He’s very nice.”

“He used to be. I guess I’d better go. I don’t want to wake him up, he looks really sick. I’d hate to disturb his rest,” he said. “Take care of him, okay? I can tell he’s trying to do great things.” I nodded my head and gave him a silent promise.

After walking Ray out, I closed the door and leaned against it, terrified to face Frank again. Swallowing my irrational fear down, I walked into the room and used the light from the restroom to see the mess I was about to clean up.

“He already left?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” I answered, not looking up from that spot on the carpet. “I’m sorry, Frank.”

“I understand. It’s okay. I’m not mad. I’m sure I would’ve done the same thing.”

“Really?” I asked. He sighed.

“No. I was just saying that to make you feel better.” After tossing the towel in the bathtub, I went back to his side. I stared at the wall in front of me as Frank stared at the ceiling, and I was caught off guard when I felt his hand slid into mine. I didn’t question it aloud, and instead held his hand tightly.

“How about I put a movie on in here and we can watch it together?” I asked. He nodded, his face making an uncomfortable expression.

“Are you okay, Frank? Where does it hurt?” I asked as I leaned over him, looking over his body as if I could see anything physical that would be causing him pain.

“I just always feel like vomiting and my stomach is hurting me. I just want to be better again, Gerard. That way I can just leave you alone so you can be with Ray,” he mumbled, avoiding eye contact with me.

“Is that really what you want?” I asked him, feeling my heart ripping open. I watched as he slowly nodded his head.

"I’ll help you get better, and whatever happens between us while you’re here,” I paused, looking everywhere but him, “it won’t leave this house, and I won’t let it have emotional impact on what Ray and I have. If that’s what you really want.”

“Okay. But, until I’m better, like, enough to leave, I’m going to tell you I love you as much as possible,” Frank sighed, finally looking over at me. I laid myself beside him and pulled him into my chest, resting my chin on top of his head.

“I love you, too,” I answered, “And I’ll say that as many times as you tell me.” What was wrong with us? What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I let Ray go? Why was I still so afraid of being alone after Frank left? Because I was a fucking coward. I know the answer, but why can’t I change that? Why can’t I call Ray back over and tell him the truth? Why am I so afraid to actually be with Frank? I sighed, causing Frank to look up and give me a distressed look.

“What’s wrong, Gerard?” He asked, taking my hand and squeezing it tightly.

“I’m a coward. Why do you love me?” I breathed. “Because I can see myself living out the rest of my days with you. Not even with Ray was I able to see that. It means something, Gerard. Sure, you’re a little bit of a run-away, but that’s okay. It’s okay, because I know you’ll look back at me one day and stop running. And you’ll come back for me,” he explained, his voice slightly breaking. He looked up at me through teary eyes and smiled, the squint of his eyes causing the tears to cascade down his face. I held him tightly, letting my own tears escape.

“I love you, Frank. I love you so much. I can never say it enough. I love you,” I cried softly. “With all I have.” We stayed like that for a while, our cries soon turning into sniffles here and there. We finally pulled away and I wiped his cheeks with my thumbs, holding his face in my hands.

“Do you want to know something else?” I asked. He gave me a questioning look, but made no verbal response. “It’s been over fifteen minutes.” He laughed. I leaned in and kissed him, making up for the one that was interrupted. He kissed back eagerly, melting into me. I will never tire of kissing him. It’s always if I’m kissing him for the first time again. Although he was asleep, he doesn’t need to know that. But I’ll never forget the rush that went through my body, almost knocking the wind out of me. I never experienced a kiss like that, despite my earlier college days of sort of whoring around. Those days are long in the past though. I handed him the bowl of, now, cooler broth. I watched as he picked up the spoon and stared at the liquid before taking a deep breath and drinking all of it at once. He quickly pushed the bowl into my hands, careful not to spill any and turned away from me and it.

“What happened, Frankie? What happened while I wasn’t there?” I asked, setting the bowl on the bedside table. He sighed softly, turning toward me once more. I waited silently for his answer.

“It wasn’t like I didn’t have money for cheap food or anything. It was,” he sighed again, pausing, “I didn’t feel like eating. Sometimes, when I got hungry, I would get food, but as soon as I was about to take a bite of something, it repulsed me. I didn’t want it anymore. I just gradually got weaker and here we are.” I took all of it in, my mind wandering around. I imagined how he used to look; so full of light. So healthy and just full. But now he was so frail and gray-looking. He looked so unhappy.

“You’re depressed,” I concluded. He nodded.

“I know. There was a time when I didn’t leave the house for three days. Not even the room. I just, well, I really missed you, Gerard.” I hugged him tightly, pressing him into my side once more. He leaned into me.

“Why didn’t you just tell me? I would have come running to you, you know that.”

“Things seem to be going well with Ray, aren’t they? Who am I to take you away from happiness?” He questioned. I kept my hold on him, our chins resting on each other’s shoulders.

“Frank, nothing would matter if you weren’t in my life. These three months have proved that,” I said, thinking back to my conversation with Lindsey.

“What do you mean?” He asked.

“Sure, Ray may have told me he loved me a few times and we’ve gone on dates and we’ve hung out a lot, but, if I’m going to be completely honest with you, I always have you on my mind,” I explain, “So what’s stopping us from being together?” I ask.

“I don’t really know, Gerard. I’m afraid you’re going to change your mind, I guess. I’m afraid of getting a Dear John letter, because, God, that movie pissed me off something special,” he chuckled, but I could tell he was hurting.

“It’s okay. I’m honestly afraid you’ll meet another man or woman while you’re stationed somewhere else, you know? I’m afraid I’ll get the letter saying we had a good run, but it’s time for new things.” This happened to Mikey. After his time in basic, he was stationed in Oklahoma before a tour overseas and he met this woman at a movie theater by chance. He accidentally spilled his popcorn on her when a scary pop-up scene came on. After that, they slowly fell in love. He almost completely forgot the girl he already had, and when he called her to explain, it went surprisingly well, but he lost a good friend that day. She’d informed him that she couldn’t stay friends with him because she still loved him very dearly, but wished him luck in soon-to-begin relationship and told him to be safe during his deployment. Alicia was a good girl, but I believe Kristin was a better fit. I haven’t talked to her in about a year, but I should change that. She was like a sister to me.

“I have a one-track mind, Gerard. I thought I’d made that very clear,” he said. I smiled a little.

“Let’s talk about something else, okay? Your recovery is important. I’ll put on another movie and we can just lay here,” I said, getting up from my comfortable spot by his side reluctantly. I left the room, shuffling through my movie tapes for a few minutes before I was interrupted by Frank yelling at me.

“How long does it take to find a movie?” He asks, with a bit of attitude. I chuckled under my breath.

“This is a long process, excuse you,” I jokingly huff out.

“We’re gonna fall asleep anyways.”

“Well, yeah, but it’s all about aesthetic! I refuse to fall asleep during anything that’s not beautiful,” I explain, walking back into the room with a documentary in hand. Grizzly Man, it’s titled. One of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen, to the day. Well, next to Mikey’s little kid face.

“You could just look at me,” he smirks. I laugh as I put the DVD in the player and take my seat next to him again. I lay back, my head propped up on the pillows and his head on my chest. I sigh contently and it was only ten minutes into the film when I dozed off.

He was right. All I needed was to see his face.

I awake to the sounds of sniffling, and my eyes shoot open at the sound.

“Frank?” I ask groggily. “What’s wrong?” he raises his head to look at me, wiping his eyes with the back of his hands.

“It was so nice. Like, tragic, but beautiful,” he cried softly. “And when he’s walking with his little bear friends and, just,” he sighed, burying his face in the crook of my neck. It took me by surprise, seeing him so emotional about a film, but I smiled softly at his ability to sympathize. I held him tightly.

“It’s okay, Frankie. You know what he said though, right? That if he didn’t come back from one of his trips, he died doing what he loved.” He nodded his head.

“Are you feeling any better?” I asked. He gave a little hum in response. Oh, look at that, he was already falling asleep. I smile softly. He still very weak, so he needs a lot of rest. I pick up his head by his chin and place a small kiss on his lips before letting him return to his original position.

Notes

Okay! So to explain my lack of updates, I have no access to any internet connection at all ;-; But fear not, my dear friends, because I have been working on every story that I have out right now along with a new one that's completely different from my others. But that one won't be out for a while.

If you notice any typos or it comes out weird looking, I'm doing this from my phone. Hope you will all be waiting for my updates in time.

Also, it's official. I'm moving out of this city. I'll have a connection between June 10-15th. Sorry for the lomg Author's note. I just wanted to explain where I've been and stuff.

Please comment and let me know how this chapter was! That'd be pretty rad and I'd send you a shit ton of virtual kisses!

Much love
-OAIF <3