In My Mind Only

I slowly walked around the classroom I was assigned to test in. It was the end of the year test, and the kids were soon to begin turning their tests in. The history test never really took too long, which was fine by me, honestly. No offense to history or anything, but sitting in a completely silent room with twenty students who are beyond uncomfortable with the situation as well is in no way ideal. I circled the classroom once more before taking a seat at the desk. I hated doing those rounds, because I know it made the students tense up. It could easily trigger an anxiety attack because they were being watched so closely; it used to do that to me. But I was required to do so. Finally, after sitting for twenty minutes, the first student raises their hand and holds up their test along with the bubble sheet. After that, the next four hours goes by the same. By lunch time, all the kids in my classroom were finished testing.

“All right, all right, settle down. We had a deal guys. You could talk, so long as it was done quietly,” I reminded them when they started getting a bit too loud for my liking. They all mumbled apologies and carried on, quieter than before. I was eating my own lunch silently by the window in the classroom, staring out into the grey skies; I found that I’d been doing that often for the past two months. I became less enthusiastic when teaching, causing the easy-going atmosphere of my classroom to become depressing. I didn’t even want to be in the same room as myself, so why would the kids want to?

Other than the long, bittersweet kiss shared by Frank and I, no words were exchanged as we parted ways. My relationship with Ray was still going. In fact, today we were going on a date, but that wasn’t why I was in a better mood than usual. Today was the 21st of the month. Every month, on this day, I would get a message from Frank. Yes, we’d promised not to talk to one another, but I had him make me a deal.

“Let me know you’re alive every month on the same day and I won’t go looking for you.”

He responded with a simple, “What if I want you to come looking for me?”

I merely smiled and took his hand, “Then you know what to do.”

So the last two months, now going on three, he would message me a simple: “Alive and well.” And that was that. Even though I was extremely tempted to message back, I never let myself. I know he understood, because he’d always been an understanding person.

“Mr. Way?” I heard a voice ask. I snapped out of my thoughts and tore my eyes away from the sky to the owner of the voice.

“Yes, Lindsey?” I raised a brow. She pulled a seat up next to my desk and gave me a smile.

“I just wanted to sit with you. You look so hurt. Are you and your boyfriend doing okay?” She asked very quietly, cautious of the other kids near. They weren’t paying any attention to us, which was relieving. I looked into her eyes, causing her to flinch. I suppose my look has gotten cold? I shrugged my shoulders to answer her question, taking another bite of my barely eaten sandwich.

“Mr. Way, you look very, well, deprived, for lack of a better word. I know I’m just a student to you, but I am also a person who feels things. If you need someone to talk to, someone who won’t spread shit, then you can always come to me,” she said, taking a drink of her chocolate milk. Her words didn’t faze me much.

“It’d be inappropriate to share my personal life with you, Ms. Ballato,” I said.

“Why is that? Because I’m 17 and you teach me English? Then would it be considered wrong for an elderly person to pass down their words of wisdom to me at the nursing home I visit because of that reason?” She challenged.

“It’s my secret, Lindsey,” I said, leaning toward her. “And it’s fucked up,” I whispered in her ear. She sat up straighter, nodding her head understandingly. Before she could answer, I changed the subject.

“You visit the local nursing home, then, yeah?” I asked. She beamed and nodded her head enthusiastically.

“Yeah! I’m pretty much the only younger one that visits. Aside from Frank Iero, but he isn’t able to visit as much anymore,” she sighed, almost sadly. I felt my chest clench with jealousy. I bit the inside of my cheek hard to keep from lashing out at her.

“Oh, really? I haven’t seen him in a while. He was a good student. I was sad to hear he transferred,” I said, trying to seem nonchalant.

“Yeah, me too. He never said a word to me about it, but I still see him from time to time, so it’s not all bad. My best friend, Jamia, has the biggest crush on him. I want to see if I can get them together, so I’ve been bringing her with me to the nursing home in hopes of catching him. That way they can talk and maybe hit it off,” she said, a sly smile on her face.

“No!” I found myself yelling. The whole classroom turned to look at us. I quickly recomposed myself, clearing my throat, and the class started their conversations again.

“Um, I heard from students’ gossip that he was gay, and it would be a bit harsh to get Jamia’s hopes up and force him into an awkward situation. Trust me,” I laughed, “I’ve been there.” I tried explaining calmly. Her expression went from shock to terror.

“You really think it’ll be that awkward?” She asked, very concerned.

“Yes,” I nodded. That, and I’m a jealous fuck. He isn’t really completely gay, seeing as he used to have some type of feelings for Jealousy, but I don’t want to risk that. Even if he does say that he’ll love only me, after what happened with my ex, I don’t have that kind of faith in people anymore.

“Whoa, thanks, Mr. Way! That would’ve worked out terribly,” she giggled. I patted her shoulder comfortingly.

“It’s not a problem,” I laughed, clearly relieved.

“I don’t think Jamia knows he’s gay. Or maybe she does, but she’s in denial?” She questioned aloud. I shrugged my shoulders. “You want to know what one of my favorite things to do is?” She questioned again. Well, I didn’t want to be rude and say no.

“Sure,” I said, giving a polite smile.

“People watch. I’ve become pretty damn good at it, Mr. Way. In fact, too good that I know just about everything that goes on around this school,” her voice turned dark and she locked her eyes with mine.

“Is that so?” I said, keeping her gaze. She nodded.

“I know when people are happy, sad, jealous, lost, lying, etc.,” she explained.

“You know, then.” I stated. I knew she wasn’t stupid, but I never knew she was watching me, too.

“Only the basic stuff, you know? I’m not stalking you. Only what I gathered from school, and that one time you came by to shop at the market.”

“And what’s the basic stuff?”

“Although you’re very careful, you’re not careful enough.” It was exactly like Frank said to me earlier on in our “friendship.”

“The fact that you haven’t told yet,” I paused, “It’s safe to assume that my secrets are safe with you?” I asked. I didn’t even care if she went and told, at this point. I found no meaning in anything since Frank and I parted. I’m sure I look disinterested, but I could care less because this didn’t affect me in any way.

“Exactly.” I nodded and continued eating.

“You don’t even look scared,” she observed. I shrugged.

“I found that I’ve no meaning without him by my side,” I said. It was a bit of a vague sentence, but she didn’t need to know that much.

“You love him. What’s stopping you?”

“His choice in career.” She gave a thoughtful look.

“So you, in other words?” I nodded. It was really all me. I wanted so badly to push my feelings for the military away so I could allow myself to be with him, but I couldn’t. Mikey was taken away and I could never have him back. If anything ever happened to Frank, I think that would be the last straw. I fucking love him more than I love anyone, but I just don’t know how to show it. I don’t know how to let myself. Oh, God, I feel like Frank now.

“You need to get your shit together, Mr. Way, and quick or you’ll regret all the time wasted.” And that was the end of the conversation. We finished out lunches and everyone returned to their assigned desks to resume quiet time to allow the rest of the classes to finish testing.

By the end of the day, when the students were filing out of the school, I put my head in my hands, purely exhausted. I didn’t even teach a single fucking thing and I was tired. I wanted nothing more than to go home and crawl into bed with Frank and cuddle the fuck out of him. He’d run his hands through my hair as I fell asleep and, knowing how unpredictable he was, I might even wake up in the middle of the night to him smiling lovingly at me or I could wake up in the middle of the night to him sprawled all over me and the bed. I would love to one day find out which one it would be. Ray walked into the room and froze. Did I look that much like sick?

“Are you getting sick, Mr. Way?”

“I don’t know. I feel like shit. My head is just pounding,” I admitted. That, and my heart feels like it’s being ripped out by a hand covered in salt, jalapeño juice, and thorns. He put his hand on my shoulder and rubbed it affectionately.

“Let’s take a raincheck on the date, yeah? Go home and get rest. Your health is more important. My mom is waiting for me outside, so I need to get going though,” he said. I nodded my head. “I’ll check in on you later. I love you.” Then he leaned down to kiss my head before leaving the classroom. That’s the third time he told me he loved me, and, each time, I only give him a smile. I can’t lie to him like that. I think he understands how difficult it is for me because he’s never once complained or even let his smile falter. He truly is an amazing person. He deserved better than someone half-assing it. I sighed and grabbed my coat. I reached into my pocket and turned my phone one. Not that anyone will call me, but I can never be too safe. I locked my classroom door before leaving the building and climbing into my car in record time. Like I said before, I want nothing more than to go home to Frank. My Frank. But, sadly, I will be going home to a cold house and bed. I drove home and even though I found myself wanting to run my car into the wall of a building, I stopped myself from doing so. Because then Frank would be sad. And I would rather keep suffering than let him do the suffering. Jesus, when did my thoughts get so fucking dark. Before I could even unbuckle my seatbelt, my phone began ringing loudly, causing me to jump. I quickly fumbled for it and answered without looking at the caller.

“Hello?” The connection was slightly jumbled because of the weather.

“Is this Mr. Gerard Way?” The lady on the line spoke.

“Um, yes. Who is this?” I asked. I looked at the screen and it wasn’t a number I recognized but it was the local area code.

“Hello, Mr. Way, I’m calling from the local Methodist Hospital. We have a Mr. Frank Iero here. You were listed as an emergency contact right behind is I.D. Do you know him?” I held my breath. Why was Frank in the hospital? What happened? Did someone hurt him? I’ll knock the motherfucker around.

“Yes. Yes, I know him,” I spoke urgently, starting my car back up. “What’s happened? Is he all right? I’m on my way.”

“Mr. Way, please, calm down. He is fine. He’s collapsed due to exhaustion. His body weight is way below average for his age and height. We’ve given him some fluids to give his body nutrients. The doctor will explain to you in more detail once you arrive. Please, drive safe. The weather is horrible out,” she said kindly.

“Yes, yes, thank you,” I said quickly, hanging up. I sped out of the resident parking and made my way across town. Exhaustion? Way below average? He told me he was alive and well! He lied to me! I hit my steering wheel as I caught a red light. He has some fucking explaining to do when he wakes up.

Notes

A lot of dialogue and uninteresting things, sorry ;-; I hope this was enjoyable to everyone subscribed or first time reading.
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