In My Mind Only

I drove over to Frank’s apartment as calmly as I could bring myself to be. When I finally parked in the shitty parking lot, I took a couple of deep breaths before getting out and dragging my feet up to his door. I was nervous. I wasn’t even sure of what I was doing here, but I knew I had to see him. I knocked on his door a few times, but he hadn’t answered yet.

“He ain’t home,” I heard someone say. I looked down and saw an older lady, maybe in her 50’s, staring up at me. She looked nice, and I was thankful that Frank had a nice neighbor.

“Oh,” was all I could think to say.

“He’s at work. I don’t know what time he’ll be back. I know it’ll be late, though.”

“Where does he work?” I asked. Maybe I could go see him there instead of stalking around his home until he got out.

“Across the street,” she answered, pointing behind her to the taquerilla he’d mentioned to me for directions.

“Thank you, ma’am. Are you his neighbor?”

“Neighbor and landlady. I saw you here a while ago, but I ain’t seen you in a while. You his relative?” She asked. I sensed a bit of a southern accent, and it made me feel relaxed because it reminded me of when my grandma would tell me and Mikey stories. I smiled.

“No. I’m a friend of his,” I responded. She nodded thoughtfully.

“Well, maybe you can mention to him that it’s okay to take a break every now and then. That poor soul, leavin’ before the sun comes up and comin’ home well after it’s gone down. Every day, too,” she explained. I put my hand to my mouth. He needs to take care of himself. He’s, no doubt, in the JROTC program at this school, working, and participating in events his class takes part of outside of school.

“I’ll definitely let him know, ma’am, thank you,” I said. She gave me a sweet smile and walked back inside her home. I looked over at his workplace, staring off into space at it before walking down the steps and across the parking lot, across the street. I walked inside and was immediately greeted with a loud chatter, the clinking of plates, and the smell of freshly cooked fajitas. I looked around for Frank as I walked over to an empty booth at the back of the restaurant. I spotted him as I was sitting down. He was currently taking the order of the family in the booth next to me. He had what looked to be a genuine smile on my face, but I knew it was fake. His eyes had dark circles under them, and he looked way too thin and frail, like he hadn’t eaten in weeks. I felt my heart clench and tears prick at my eyes. I made a move to rub my eyes, but then Frank looked over at me and his smile faltered. I gave him a weak smile, but he only looked back at the family and continued taking their order until they were finally done. Then he made his way over to me.

“What are you doing here?” He asked. Still straight to the point, I like that. I smiled.

“I wanted to see how you were doing,” I responded.

“Yeah, I got that. I meant to ask, how did you know I worked here?” Good question.

“Your landlady. I went by your apartment, and she told me you were working here. Nice lady.” He nodded in agreement.

“Well, I’m fine.”

“Frank, you look like shit,” I said. He sighed.

“Look, I get off at midnight. If you’d be willing to wait around, we can talk then,” he said. I nodded.

“But you have to order something.” Of course I do. I picked up the menu from the table and looked it over.

“What’s good here?” I asked. He leaned over and flipped to a page and randomly pointed at one.

“That one.” I rolled my eyes.

“So I take it you lie to every customer who asks that?” I asked. He smirked.

“It hasn’t failed me so far,” he argued.

“All right, then I’ll get that with a sweet tea.” I watched as he wrote it down. He looked so focused.

“All right. I’ll be right back with your drink,” he said. He walked away and went to take the order of another couple before returning to the front and getting a tray full of drinks and passing them out the family next to me, and then going back before returning with my drink.

“Your order will be right out, Gerard,” he said as he gave me a smile before walking away. I pulled out my phone to check the time. 8 in the afternoon, oh joy. I then realized I had a message from Ray.

Ray: I really hope I didn’t make you feel uncomfortable. I’m sorry, Gerard.

He sent me that about half an hour ago. I should probably answer him so he doesn’t get worried. Honestly, I didn’t even know how I felt about him kissing me. I don’t think I really felt anything. No rush, no spark, no “this is right” feeling. Just, nothing. I liked Ray, I was sure of that. But looking over at Frank right now, watching him carrying a full tray of food in one hand and two drinks in the other, I knew I loved him. I smiled softly as I watched him. He was exhausted and that was obvious. Whenever he talked, his voice didn’t hold as much power as it used to and that broke my heart. His confidence, although still there, wasn’t as noticeable as it used to be. It looked like these past three months had really kicked his ass, and I didn’t even know. I suddenly snapped back to look at my phone as I remember that I needed to answer Ray.

Me: Don’t be sorry. It’s okay. I’m sorry I didn’t answer sooner. I’ve been grading papers.

I sighed. I didn’t like lying. It always made me feel uncomfortable, but I knew I couldn’t tell him all about me and Frank because that was sure to cause problems. Between them mainly.

Ray: Okay, I’ll you go then. I’m heading to bed. Goodnight!

Me: Good night, dear.

I put my phone up and slowly drank my tea. When I was almost done with it, Frank came over and refilled it after setting my plate of food down.

“Here you go. If you find yourself not liking it, then, well, oops,” he chuckled. I smiled. I missed hearing that sound. Without realizing, I’d brought my hand to touch my ear, wanting to hear his laugh.

“Does your ear hurt?” He asked. I quickly pulled my hand away.

“Oh, no. Just itched,” I explained.

“I just ordered some food, so I’m going to be sitting with you on my break.” I nodded and he walked away after giving me a small smile. I was really happy that I could have dinner with him again. My only problem was that I was afraid. This was still sort of close to the school, so anyone could show up. Anyone. I shrugged the negative feel off of me, and instead focused my time with Frank. I waited patiently for the next half hour for him to come to me.

“You haven’t eaten yet?” He asked as he looked at my full plate of food.

“No. I wanted to eat with you,” I said. He flashed me a small smile and started eating his food. Rather… fast.

“Make sure you chew your food, Frank,” I said jokingly. I was still worried. He seemed starved.

“I got paid today, so I can also eat. So I’ll take my chances of choking, thank you very much.”

“How often do you eat?” I asked. He just shrugged his shoulders and then swallowed his food as he down his entire cup of water. Jesus Christ. I reached over and put my hand on his wrist, causing him to look up at me.

“Yes?”

“A shrug isn’t an answer, Frankie.” He sighed and set his for down.

“I eat whenever I first get my paycheck. Then I eat whenever I manage to get some free food from here,” he explained as he looked anywhere but me.

“You look way too skinny. You need to eat more,” I said.

“I’m doing what I have to in order to stay out of my parent’s house.”

“I want you to live with me. I offered,” I almost shouted.

“Gerard, I know you and Ray are doing better. Has he been over to your house?” He asked. I hesitantly nodded my head.

“See? Imagine if I was staying there. “Oh, hey, Ray. Don’t mind me. I just live here with your boyfriend.”? No. Things would go terribly wrong for you guys. I’m not needed around there,” he murmured.

“We’re not da-“

“Yes, you may as well be.”

“How do you even know any of this? You haven’t spoken to me since you left!” I argued.

“Because I…” He sighs and continues eating his food.

“Because you what?” I asked.

“Nothing. It’s not even important anymore,” he answered. I pulled my hand away and sighed. I picked up my fork and started eating. We ate in silence until he stood up.

“My break is over. Like I said, if you want to wait, I get out in, like, three and a half hours.” Then he walked away. I wonder what it is that he wanted to say. Despite knowing him really well, I can never tell what’s about to come out of his mouth next; it’s so frustrating.

Those three and a half hours go by quicker than I thought, which was surprising. But I spent my entire time watching Frank, until I realized that I looked like I was stalking him.

“Well, come on in. Other than checking on me to see how I was doing, what else made you come here?” He asked as we walked inside his apartment. He knew me just as well.

“Ray kissed me earlier today,” I said. I was conflicted about telling him, but I figured I may as well just do it. He raised a brow at me.

“Is that so? Okay, well, that’s good. Was that all?” He asked. I shook my head.

“Well, then what is it?” I took a deep breath. It was now or many, many years from now. I know nothing can become of us. We’re going in completely different directions and he’s so determined to get where he’s going.

“I love you,” I said.

“I know,” He answered. I gave a small laugh. Yeah, that sounds about right.

“But I love you, too.” I quickly looked back up to him after having avoided his stare.

“I’d hoped so,” I answered. “So what now?” I smiled.

“Stay the night with me,” he said, smiling a sincere smile at me. I didn’t care how demanding his voice sounded. I didn’t care that he and I both needed to be at school tomorrow. I didn’t care as long as I could have one more night with him.

Notes

Wow, this took longer than a month.

Feedback would be very amazing!!

-OAIF <3..