In My Mind Only

It’s March now. Three months since Frank last dismissed his cadets. I’ve tried to ignore Frank’s absence, but I find that it’s really hard. Before, I was so angry with him, and I thought that now that he’s gone, I could just forget about him and focus on Ray, but it’s even harder than I ever imagined. I sigh in frustration as I look down at my phone at the last messages I tried sending him.

Me: How is the new school, Frankie?

That was a few days after he left.

Me: I hope you’re doing okay.

That was a few weeks ago.

He never answered them, naturally. I wasn’t expecting one. It was the way he was. I stared down at my own copy of the Wizard of Oz in my hands and tossed it on the couch beside me. There was nothing tying us together anymore. I wasn’t going to see him unless he allowed it. I could search and search and search and he’d be like a ghost. He wouldn’t reveal himself to me unless it felt it was necessary. I suppose it’s all for the best though. He and I were too different.

Ray and I have gotten closer. There have been a few times where we have almost kissed, but we stopped just before our lips touched. Although it’s slightly frustrating, I understand that I have to wait. I check the time on my phone. It’s almost time to pick up Ray. Yesterday, he asked if I wanted to spend some time together. I normally don’t do anything on Sundays except for relaxing, but I wouldn’t mind spending the time with him. I pulled on some nicer looking clothes, grabbed the things I needed, and grabbed my keys before heading out the door.

On the drive over, I wanted so badly to listen to my Beatles album, but I would have too many memories of that short little bastard in my mind. I took a deep breath, trying to get rid of the rising anger inside of me as I came to a stop a block away from his house. Ray came outside, waving at my happily. I waved back and, this time, I allowed him to get inside. I’m pretty cautious this close to his home.

“So where did you want to go?” He asked. I smiled.

“Don’t worry. I have the entire day planned out for us. Leave it all up to me!” I said. He was silent for a moment, before finally speaking.

“How are you single?” He asked. The question caught me off guard, but I had an answer.

“Well, as you can probably tell, this town isn’t the kindest toward gay people. You saw how they treated Frank.” He tensed at his name.

“I wonder how he’s doing wherever he’s at,” he spoke softly. I reached over and grabbed his hand, holding it tightly. He squeezed back.

“So, other than Jealousy, what happened between you two?” I asked. He shrugged.

“He tried winning me back. I’ll tell you, Gerard, he is a persistent little bastard,” he laughed. I nodded in agreement, because it was true.

“Eventually it became too much, and I couldn’t stand it. I wanted him to stop. So that’s how I came to being a complete asshole to him. It was just to make him stop. I feel terrible about it, because I eventually, it became habit. I didn’t have to keep doing it and I did…” He mumbled sadly. I squeezed his hand tightly.

“I’m sure he isn’t holding a grudge. He doesn’t seem like the type,” I said. It was true. He only really held terrible feelings for his parents. He loves Ray.

“You don’t know Frank…” He mumbled. I wanted to chuckle, because I knew him more than he did. “His parents were terrible to him. I went over to his house once and I spent the night there. We were, like, 13 and he made us dinner, Gerard. I’m not talking about the warm up some mac and cheese, I’m talking, like, he used spices and did some professional shit. They had all this fancy looking food, if I can even call it that and so that’s what we ate. It was good, I remember that. Anyway, we were watching movies in the living until about two in the morning when his parents came home,” he said as he looked out of his window. I listened closely, not wanting to miss out on anything about Frank.

“His parents just looked at us. They didn’t smile, say hi, wave, or even nod in acknowledgement! They just looked and went upstairs. Frank’s whole atmosphere, like, the vibe he was giving off, changed the entire time they were in the room. He went from a welcoming and calming air to something so cold. That was the only time I witnessed his relationship with his parents. He never allowed me to go over again, or, at least, stay the night. He was always so… different around his parents,” he explained. Ray didn’t know the story of why Frank was the way he was with them, he assumed.

“I know it’s sad, Ray, but some people aren’t meant to be parents,” I said.

“I understand, but Frank deserved to be happy,” he said sadly.

“Okay, let’s get off of a sad subject. We’re almost there,” I told him.

“And where is ‘there’?” He asked. I glanced at him, giving him a little smirk.

“Well, you’ll just have to wait, sweetheart,” I said. We drove for a little while longer in silence with nothing but the radio playing. I looked at the time on my dash. It would be a few more hours before the sun went down. Things were going to plan, causing me to smile. Suddenly, I felt lips being connected to the back of my hand. I looked over at Ray and noticed his smile behind my hand. I blushed deeply, not expecting him to do that. I stared at him as we came to a stop light and smiled shyly thinking about how beautiful he looked in that moment.

The light turn green and I pulled into a dirt road. This was my parent’s property and they passed it down to Mikey and I. It was our family lake. I come here every once in a while to take a trip to my childhood. I’ve wanted to take Frank here, but that was before everything went to shit.


“Where are we?” Ray asked again, then he groaned. “Oh, God, you’re not going to kill me, are you?” He asked, hint of a smirk playing on his lips. I laughed.

“Ah, shit! How did you guess?” I said. He laughed. We came to a stop right by the lake. It looked decent, and I, once again, felt the rush of my childhood coming to me. It made me miss Mikey all the more, and I wanted to cry, but I refrained from doing so in front of Ray. We got out the car as I popped the trunk. I pulled out, call me a hopeless romantic, a picnic basket and a blanket. Ray smiled at me.

“A picnic? You’re so cute.”

“I’d only do this for you,” I lied, smiling. He blushed. In my mind, I was only seeing Frank and I didn’t know why. I really, really liked Ray, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew I felt something for Frank, I just didn’t think it was this strong. I set everything down on the grass near the lake and then proceeded to lay the blanket out.

“Aren’t you the romantic one?” Ray chuckled. I grabbed his hand and walked him over, taking my shoes off next to the blanket and walking on it. He did the same and we sat down, him leaning his head on my shoulder. It was relaxing, yet quite odd. I knew it was wrong, but I was comparing him to Frank. If I were with him right now, I’d be the one with my head on his shoulder; he probably would’ve been the one to lead me somewhere. Because he had so much confidence to possess that authority, I would more than likely listen to anything he said and feel safe. Frank was my security blanket, and I wasn’t sure what I was. I had to mean something to him, after all, he wouldn’t have done all the things he had if he didn’t. The Wizard of Oz DVD, the holding my finger, the hug, the crying, the smiling, the laughing, the cooking dinner together, the pillow fight, sleeping in the same bed, and everything else. It was us, but I was toxic for him. It was unhealthy, what we have. Or what we could have.

“Gerard?” Ray asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. I hadn’t even realized that I was spaced out until now.

“Yeah?” I said. He gave me a small frown.

“Are you okay?” He asked. It was weird. I felt an odd connection with this man. I felt close, yet distant with him, which didn’t make any sense to me. He knew things about me, things I preferred, so to say, but I knew nothing of his preferences. I wasn’t paying enough attention to him, and that was wrong of me. I needed to do better, but… I wanted to see Frank more than anything. Right now.

But I didn’t move.

“Yeah. Lets eat,” I said as I held up the basket. He smiled and nodding, giving my cheek a quick kiss, causing me to blush. I looked over at him and saw Frank for a second before I blinked and he was gone. I shoved it to the back of my mind. He wasn’t going to get inside my head right now. Absolutely not.

But he was. My entire time with Ray, I was thinking about Frank. What is he doing right now? Is he happier than he was before? Is he sad? And the important one, to me… Is he thinking about me just as much? Am I driving him as crazy as he’s driving me? Or has he found someone at his new school to fill his thoughts?

I am such a fucking teenagers. It makes me want to vomit.

Soon, the sun began to set, and it was time to pack up because the mosquitoes were absolutely horrible around that time. We packed up and I tossed everything in the truck. Ray’s face was smiling but the air around him was frowning, if that makes sense. I walked over to his side and opened the door for him.

“Thanks,” he mumbled. After closing the door, I let out a deep sigh. I’ve upset him. I have the rest of the drive back to mend things, or have him be like to me for who knows how long. I got inside the car and started it, looking over at him. He was looking outside the window or staring at it. I reversed and, soon, we were back on the main road. I reached over and put my hand on his lap, causing him to look at me.

“Yes?” He asked.

“I’m sorry if I seemed to distant. I’ve had a lot of things on my mind, but that’s no excuse. I’ll be better,” I explained. Again, if I were with Frank, he’d probably be telling me the words I’m saying myself. He gave me a little smile and put his hand on mine.

“No, I’m sorry for being such a diva about it. I understand that you have things going on, Gerard. I don’t expect you to drop them for me.” I smiled. He’s understanding. Frank would’ve made a smartass comment, causing us to bicker like an old married couple whilst trying to hide our smiles. I was tense around Ray. I am relaxed around Frank. I needed to stop comparing, but I can’t. Everything I thought about led up to that.

We sat in silence the rest of the way to his house. Before getting out, he looked over at me and opened his arms for a hug. I smiled and opened my arms in return as I moved towards him. Before I could register what had happened, he was already saying bye and getting out of the car. I sat there for a moment before looking in the mirror and touching my lips.

He kissed me.

I needed to see Frank. Right now.

I drove to his apartment, feeling like I betrayed him. I liked Ray, yes, but.. I-I think I loved Frank. I put my hand to my forehead and sighed in frustration. I’m so fucking confused.

Notes

I know it's short, but, man, this goddamn writer's block! I want to be a better writer for you all and myself. *sigh* I need a drink. And I am against alcohol, like there's no fucking tomorrow.

Sorry.

-OAIF