In My Mind Only

I awoke to Gerard snuggling at my side, and I wanted to smile, but I held it down. I stared at the ceiling in silence, enjoying it until Gerard’s alarm blared in my ear, causing me to jolt. Gerard groans, and then turned over, and slamming his hand on his alarm. He was still for a moment before finally getting up and looking groggily at me.

“Morning,” he says, smiling.

“Morning,” I answer, staring at his lips. Without realizing, I touch my lips and he gives me a sort of panicked look.

“What?” He asks. I shake my head, waving him off.

“I just had… an odd dream.” We stay sitting there for a while until he finally stands up. I observe him and notice he’s only in his underwear.

“Really, Gerard?” I said, amusement in my tone. He laughs and walks into his bathroom. I turned over in the bed, snuggling up in the blankets, before realizing the time. I bolt up.

“Gerard! I’m late for JROTC!” I yell, quickly getting up and rushing for his suitcase. Gerard rushes out and pulls me back to the bed.

“Frank, I know. You’re not going to school today. You look like shit,” he said. I glared at him.

“I always look sexy.” He scoffed, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, always, sure.” He pushed me down on the bed and pulled the covers up to my nose. I took in the scent of him, and smiled underneath the covers despite the glare in my eyes. He smiled sweetly down at me.

“Stay here and rest, all right? I’ll leave school early so you’re not by yourself for too long,” he said.

“I’m not a little kid, Gerard. I can take care of myself.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say.” Then he walked away into the restroom and I heard the shower turn on a few moments later. I stared at the ceiling once again until I felt my eyes growing heavy.

I snapped my eyes open and bolted up. I looked at the time and noticed it was already three in the afternoon. Gerard would be home in an hour probably. I slid out of bed and walked into the latrine. I looked at myself in the mirror and Gerard was right.

“I look like shit,” I mumbled. My eyes were swollen from my crying, I had bags under my eyes as well and I still had lines of tears streaking my cheeks. I ran the shower until it was hotter than I could stand it and then got in. I grunted slightly, because the pain was almost unbearable,
but it took the pain away from the kiss Gerard gave me last night.

“Why would you do that?” I whispered, “It’s just going to make it harder to leave you…” I wash up and then take a seat on the tub, holding my head in my hands until the water ran cold. After getting dressed, I put my phone on the charger and wait for it to turn on. When it finally did, I had a shitload of messages from my mother, a couple from my father, and tons from Jealousy. I deleted my parents’ without reading them and then read my so-called girlfriends.

Jealousy: Frank, let’s hang out tonight?

Jealousy: Hello??

Jealousy: When are you going to answer me!

Then the ones from today.

Jealousy: Wanna meet before JROTC start?

Jealousy: Where are you??

Jealousy: The bus is here. Damn it, Frank! Answer me already!

I groaned and fell on the bed and yelled into the blankets. I’d never done that before, but it felt great. I did it a few more times before I decided to answer her back.

Me: I’m not attending school today. I was focused on my phone yesterday either, so I didn’t realize I had those messages.

A few minutes later I received a long text from her.

Jealousy: I’m your girlfriend, you’re supposed to check to see how I’m doing. God, you’re such an inconsiderate asshole. I’m trying to make this relationship work, and you’re basically keeping me at arm’s length! Back when I was with Ray, you were constantly checking up on me and now you can’t care less! Ugh!

I sighed in frustration.

Me: Yes, you’re right. I’m sorry. I’ve been going through a few things, but that’s no excuse. You should be much more important. I promise to focus on you a lot more. Forgive me.

I didn’t get answer until Gerard was already walking through the door.

Jealousy: Whatever, but you have some explaining to do.

“Frank! Where are you?!” Gerard yelled followed by a string of curses. He sounded panicked. At that moment, I received a text from a number I forgot to erase all those years ago.

Ray: We need to talk.

“Frank!” Gerard yelled as he came into the room. He approached me slowly, as if I would run
away at any moment.

“What?” I said as I answered his text.

Me: About?

“They know.”

Ray: They know.

I tossed my phone aside and gave Gerard a confused look.

“I heard all of my classes talking about you and Ray, Frank. I heard that a couple of people overheard your conversation the other day. Everyone is speaking about it. I don’t know what you want to do…” He murmured. I put my hand to my face and then looked him dead in the eyes.

“I want to die.” He gave me a concerned look and I grabbed a pillow and screamed into it many times. I felt Gerard’s hand on my back, trying to calm me down, but how was I going to be okay?

I’m not okay.

Everything I’d worked hard to forget, everything I’d finally put in the past, all the tears, the anger, the love, everything was all blown away because I’d decided to let go in an empty, but public place.

It was my fault. I took my face from the pillow and looked up at Gerard.

“I hate myself. It’s all my fault. I was so focused on going away that I didn’t realize I still had a few months to go before actually leaving. I’m really not okay. How will I go to school?” I asked him. He hugged me tightly.

“Go next week instead then. Think about what you should do during this time off,” he said. I got up and walked into the restroom, not answering the calls of Gerard. I close the door behind me and lock it.

I need something to hurt. I need it. I need to think about something else. I go through the different things in Gerard’s cupboard and find a collection of razors.

“He does it, too,” I mumbled. I’d never even noticed. Gerard keeps banging on the door, but I ignore him as it’s only me and my best friend right now. The one who’d never let me down.

But.

Neither has Gerard.

He’s never let me down.

I glance at the small window in his restroom and I move to open it. After a little bit of struggling, I
force it open and dump all the razors out, burying them in the dirt a little bit and then closing it once again. I laid on the restroom floor for the rest of the night. I looked under the door and saw Gerard’s shadow there. I could barely see him, but I knew he was awake.

“Gerard?” I whispered under the door. He twitched a little.

“Yeah?” He asked. We met eyes from under the door.

“Will I be okay?”

“I wouldn’t let anything happen to you, Frankie,” he answer. I nodded even though he probably couldn’t see me and then I fell asleep.

“Come out tomorrow, okay? I’ll be right here,” I heard him whisper.

Notes

I'm... not even gonna lie. This chapter is complete shit.
I have the rest of the story outlined. It probably won't go past 40 chapters.
Anyways, enjoy. Feedback would be sexy.

-OAIF