In My Mind Only

I couldn't understand the feeling I felt as I walked home. Gerard was being really strange, and it was really pissing me off; I couldn't even ask him, because it's none of my business. I walked until I came into view of my home and stopped, just staring at it with disgust. My parents would be home later tonight, but I didn't want to think of it.
I walked into my home and walked up stairs without bothering to look around. I knew what was there. There was no difference this time around. I stripped off my uniform and neatly folded it to carefully iron it later. I sighed as I stepped into the shower and basically scrubbed until my skin was red. I just wanted to get the smell off of every part of me and God knows what else he did after he'd knocked me out, and I didn't want to think about that either. I guess there was a bunch of things I didn't want to think about today. I sat in the way too big tub and just stared at the ceiling for a good while before my phone started blasting out some generic calling ringtone. I moved over in the tub and grabbed my phone.

"Hello?" I spoke.

"Mr. Way, where are we going?" I heard a voice say. It sounded like Ray. There's no one else who sounded like him. I stayed silent. This wasn't a pocket dial, this was intended for a reason.

"We're just walking, really. I find it helps clear your mind," Mr. Way responded. I rolled my eyes and rested my chin on my hand.

"Yeah, I think it does, too. Listen, um, I'm going through some things, so I haven't been able to write the essay, but I'll get it in to you as soon as possible."

"Well, I saw the posters, and I understand. How about I just give you a 100 and you don't have to worry about it?"

"You'd really do that?" Ray asked. I rolled my eyes once again. I swear I hold the record for the most times someone's rolled their eyes.

"Of course. And if you ever need time to think or something of the sort, feel free to use my classroom. An empty classroom and walking nowhere in particular are the best types of therapy. At least, in my opinion," Gerard explained.

"Wow, thanks, Mr. Way. You're really awesome. Why were you gone last week, if you don't mind me asking?" I heard Gerard chuckle and I was tempted to as well, because I knew the reason.

"Well, I was having some person problems, so I needed some time away."

"What was that problem?" Jeez, he was nosy. There was a pause and part of me really hoped that was Gerard thinking about telling him.

"I found myself attracted... to a student..." He said hesitantly. There was a long pause and I thought he hung up the phone, but found he didn't.

"Wow, really? I honestly wasn't expecting that. Who's the girl?" Ray asked. He was surprisingly calm about it. Yet, so was I.

"Guy, actually. I'm gay," Gerard confessed. Well, I thought he was just bi. I didn't think he was fully gay. Nice.

"That's a surprise, but I can see that now, yeah."

"Really? How so?"

"Well, you have a lot of sass, Mr. Way," he laughed.

"You can call me Gerard here, but yeah. I guess I do," he laughed too. I froze. He's allowing that jackass to call him by his actual name? Fuck that.

"Gerard? That's your first name? So generic," he teased.

"Hey, Ray is an original name, too! Don't be judging my name." Ray laughed his choppy and somewhat squeaky laugh and it suddenly brought unwanted memories back. Memories of him hovering over me with a smile on his face, and I wanted to slap myself for remembering such a horrific thing.

"You're pretty funny, Gerard. This guy you're crushing on is pretty lucky," he flirted. What. How does shit like that just fucking fall into place. I felt my heart sink to my stomach and I felt like throwing up. I hung up the phone and threw it into the bedroom, hard. It hit the wall and fell on my bed.

Screw Mr. Way.

Screw Ray.

Screw Jealousy.

Screw Everyone.

I let the tub drain as I grabbed a towel and angrily dried myself off. I realized I left my things at Mr. Way's house. I better get them before he invites Ray in and he sees them and has a shit fit. I got dressed in my running clothes to go for a run while I was at it, since I have done it in a few days, and ran out the door. I never both to lock it. People can take whatever they want, my parents will only replace it. I jogged down the road to warm myself up before taking off in a full run to Mr. Way's place. The more I thought about what Ray and Mr. Way were talking about, the angrier I felt. Why? Why am I so pissed off? This is what I wanted, wasn't it? That was the whole point of everything I did. I did it for Jealousy, for myself, and, to a point, Mr. Way himself, so why do I feel so... jealous? I don't like him, because I can't. I don't want to be near him right now because I can't. I don't want to see him, because I can't. I don't want to relive that latrine scene, because I can't. Moreover, it isn't right. I'm not the one he has his eyes on and same goes for me. My eyes are, well... were on Jealousy until I figured out she wanted to use me, so who are my eyes on?...

At that moment, Mr. Way came into my view. Alone. And I was confused all over again. I stopped running as he looked in my direction. I came to a stop right in front of him and we stared at each other for a while before I started walking up to his door. I stepped aside and let him unlock his front door and I followed in there after him. I walked to the corner I left everything and started packing it up. From the corner of my eyes, I could see Mr. Way staring at me and I turned to meet his gaze. We stayed there like that for a while before I finally zipped up my bag and stood.

"Do you need a ride?" He asked as I got to the front door. His voice seemed hesitant. I didn't want the ride, not at all.

"Yes," I answered before realizing. He gave me a small smile, that I didn't return and I followed him out to his car. I wanted to ask him what happened with Ray, but I refrained from doing so. It'd only show him I was interest. As he started the car, the Beatles blasted through the speakers and I smiled. I know I did, because my face hurt. I wasn't used to it and Mr. Way just looked over at me and smiled, too. We were silent the whole way to my house and that was fine. I wasn't really much of a talker, but I was certainly surprised that Mr. Way never said anything. As he pulled into my driveway, I opened the door. I was half way out when I turned back to him and gave him a certain look I hoped he could read. After all, he'd found out a lot about me within the past few days and seemed to understand. My thoughts were confirmed when he opened his mouth to speak.

"You're welcome," he said as I closed the door. I walked back up into my house and I tried not to turn around, because I knew he wasn't there, but I still did it anyways. But there he was. With the window rolled down, waiting for me to go inside with a smile on his face. I walked inside feeling different. I was still pissed off at him for treating me the way he did, but... he cares and I hadn't really felt care in such a long time. I didn't want to let go of it, but he doesn't need me anymore. We'll just go back to being student and teacher, but I was thinking that maybe we'd become friends along the way; however, that was proved wrong. A big part of me wanted to know what he meant when he said I was his problem, but I don't think I'll be getting that answer soon, if at all.

It's fine, right? It was nothing but professional, except for all the teasing, staying at his house, having a family night, him pleasuring himself on me, the debates on which older cartoon series was better, and finally the "fight" which wasn't really a fight. Maybe it was just a lack of communication. My head is hurting with trying to get everything in my mind in order. I'll think about it another day.

I was alone for a few hours, no surprise there, but then my parents came home. I peeked out my door and was shocked by their appearances. They looked like shit. I opened the door to my room, fully exposing myself to them for the first time in months. They both turned to look at me.

"Hey, dear. We're home. Now who's this friend you were staying with?" My mother asked. My father just stared me down. He hated that I was in JROTC, but he never did anything about it. Maybe I wanted him to. I wanted him to react to it, because he never did shit for me.

"Not important. I'm enlisting in the Army tomorrow, Infantry. I'm already 18. After I graduate, I'll put my things in a storage and leave them there until I get out of basic. We won't have to see each other ever again. Sound good?" I told them. They were silent for a while.

"We won't let you do that," my father said. Doesn't matter. Whenever they leave for another meeting God knows where, I'll go then. It doesn't have to be tomorrow.

"If you say so. By the way, you both look terrible." Then I slammed the door in their faces and locked it. I plugged in my headphones and blasted the Beatles as I drifted off to sleep. The last song I remember playing was Yesterday. Funny.

Notes

I'm sleepy. I wanna go to sleep.
Anyways, enjoy! <3 Feedback would be sexy! :3

-OAIF <3