the only hope for me is you

I see Gerard standing in the hall way with some other guys. I don’t know whether to approach him or just go to my locker and pretend nothing at all has happened between us. When we were out he made it pretty clear he wasn’t comfortable with being openly gay around school. I mean the first day he was sort of open about it but not when anyone could see, plus he must have felt bad for me and tried to comfort me because, let’s face it, Igot punched and then had a panic attack and stuff in one day... wow I really don’t make good first impressions. I walk past him and head to my locker. He didn’t notice me which I can’t tell if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Gerard was very popular in this school, everyone seemed to like him or hate him, but seems no one knew the real him. I mean things about people travel pretty fast no matter how short of a time you’ve been around and being the most popular person doesn’t help either. I heard people calling him the douche with the sports car, the cute rich boy and the bad ass. It seemed people found him intimidating. How could gee, the guy who likes to cuddle, be intimidating? I mean he’s so soft and innocent, well at least the guy I knew was. He was caring and sweet not this douchey ass everyone was making him out to be.

I realised I was thinking too much and headed to first lesson. Ugh maths. I hate maths. I sat down at the back of the class where I was hardly noticeable and listened to the teacher drone on about simultaneous equations or something I don’t know I wasn’t paying much attention. My mind started to wonder again.

What was really confusing to me was why Gerard was so irresistible. I tried hard to keep him out but it’s like I couldn’t close up around him, like a sign or something. Wow I’m thinking shit. Why does he make me all gushy? It’s like I have no choice but to feel feelings for this guys and I just don’t know what to do. It feels like the comic dork that I knew was so much different to the douche everyone else at school knew. I mean no matter how hard I want to stay away from the comic dork I can’t, like there’s some sort of magnetic field that makes us attract even when we don’t want to. Half of my mind is telling me not to get close to anyone because something always fucks up, the other half is saying explore every inch of this boys being and take him as your own. But I always end up hurt. One way or another I always end up with the short end of the stick. I knew I was going to be hurt by him, it was just a feeling, but I’m always hurt by everyone.

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the bell indicating second period. Looking at my book I realised I had wrote nothing at all. I shrugged and packed my things and headed for biology.

-

It was lunch break and I sat alone. After ten minutes of getting weird looks for being the ‘punk’ ‘loner’ kid I decided I’d go and sit outside. I saw Gerard and his mates around a tree smoking as I made my way across the field, no surprise. Why was Gerard so different around school from what I knew? Yeah I’d only know him for a few days but what he was like right now and what he was like when it was just me was like polar opposites. I made my way to the other side of the field where I found a small shaded area with basically no one around except one kid who wore way to much eye liner. I sat down a little bit a ways from him.
“Uh, hey...” he said a little warily as if I was going to beat him up or something. Did I have that vibe? I guess I was kind of an asshole.
“Hi, I like your shirt by the way.” I said pointing out his blink 182 shirt making conversation, he had a good music taste what can I say? He laughed at my blunt and weird conversation starter.
“Thanks, I’m uh Pete by the way, Pete Wentz”
“Cool, I’m frank Iero.” I replied. We sat in silence for a few minutes until Pete broke it.
“So what’s with you and the rich boy over there?” he said out of curiosity, gesturing to Gerard. “I saw him save your ass the other day. He doesn’t just do that for anyone, and then he helped you through the day and stuff. I think all of us are confused. Well the people like me that have no life enough to ponder in others,” I laughed at that half because what he said was amusing half because I was a bit nervous. “And now you two seem to be in different universes...”
“I... uh – I don’t know. He probably felt sorry for me I guess. It was nothing really.” I said trying to say convincingly but failing majorly.
“Whatever you say but I really don’t believe that” he laughed.
I rolled my eyes and laughed “He’s just a guy; I don’t know why he helped me...”
“Mmhmm...” Pete said laughing, me joining in with his laughter.

“Well well two fags in one spot!” matt said in a mocking tone as he and his douche bags approached us. Fuck my life.
“Looks like Way isn’t around to protect you now is he faggot?” his homophobic slurs disgusted me. How shallow could some of humanity be?
“You know I bet he’s fucking Ways pretty little ass.” One of his douche bag friends said that sent them all into laughter. Before I knew it my fist came in contact with Matt’s face and then the guy who said that after him. They all stared at me in shock and then I got blow in the side of the jaw and then the stomach sending me to the ground, again my lip bust.
“You just love giving me new looks don’t you? I’m gonna start rocking the busted lip look soon!” I said sarcastically “Do you really have nothing better to do with your lives than be assholes? I know I like ass hole but you’re really not my type.” I said to them causing Pete to go into a fit of laughter, I’m guessing at this point he assumed I was gay, but soon shut himself up with a hand over his mouthas Matt and his gang turned to him.
“You wanna end up on the ground like him?” one of the guys said stepping forward. Thankfully a teacher came onto the field, not spotting what was going on but I could tell Matt and his gang wouldn’t take their chances. They all walked away without another word as if they were innocent. Pete helped my off the ground and helped me stand up.
“Dude, you okay? Well that’s stupid question I know you’re not okay.”
“I’m okay, trust me.” I have had a lot worse so I just took it. Pete helped me gain a bit more strength so I could make it around school. My stomach hurt like hell, I had a huge bruise on my face and a bust lip, again.
“Can I just say, one I assume you’re gay, and two because of that I think that that was the best comment I’ve ever heard.” He said laughing. I smiled slightly and laughed a bit at his comment on my twisted humour.
“Yeah, I do need to learn to keep my mouth shut though...” I said with a sigh.
“Actually I don’t think you do. I respect you for your assholeness, you use it your advantage and disadvantage in a way.” I laughed at that but understood what he meant. We walked silently to the main school building after that.

-

It was towards the end of last lesson. I sat there watching the clock tick slowly waiting to get out of this living hell. The bell rang and I decided that I would get out of there as quickly as possible to avoid any unwanted encounters. I seriously didn’t want another bruise to go with the rest. I got out of the gates and walked fast until the school was out of site. I hated that place.

I slowed down my pace when I had gotten far enough away from my living hell and closer to home. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder and my body immediately tensed up. All that was going through my mind was fuck please don’t be matt or one of his douche bags please don’t be matt or one of his douche bags. I turned around slowly breathing a sigh of relief as soon as I seen that it was Gerard. Why did he even come after me though? He seemed comfortable enough without me even though he was racing through my thoughts like every 10 seconds.
“What the hell happened to you?” he said brushing his thumb slightly over my bruise but pulling away immediately after I winced at the pain that rushed through my face.
“Matt, it was nothing really. It was actually quite funny to be honest.”
“How was getting beat up funny?” he said with a look of concern as if he was my mother.
“You had to be there,” I said smiling to myself remembering the remark I made and Pete’s reaction “At least it made me and Pete laugh” I said trying to make things a little more clear but failing miserably. He just nodded in response.
“Why didn’t you come and hang out with me and my friends today?” he asked as he pouted slightly, but actually sounding a little hurt which I was surprised about.
“To be honest Gee I didn’t think you wanted me to hang around with you. I mean I am the most unpopular kid in school and you are the most popular and those two people on the social ladder just randomly hanging out looks weird in some people’s eyes and they will start to suspect something. Even Pete did from how you stood up for me the other day. Plus it would be really hard for me to spend all day with you and not be able to compliment on how fucking beautiful you are or how hard it will be to not be able to hold your hand. Right now I think Pete’s a better crowd for me at the moment if you don’t want us to be ‘out’. And to be honest, no offence, but your friends don’t exactly look like the nicest of people but Pete’s cool. I feel comfortable around him you know?”
“Oh...” was all he could say after my mini rant. “Whoa wait, whose Pete?” he said after a minute of processing everything I just said, and actually sounding a little jealous.
“Just a friend Gee,” well I wouldn’t really consider him as anything yet, I don’t believe in friends at first sight, but what else am I supposed to say. I feel like the people in this town are different to the ones I used to know, like for some reason I find myself trusting them. There are a few exceptions of course e.g. Matt.
“Oh...” Gee said again. “Hey would you, erm, wanna come back to mine for a bit?”
“Sorry Gee I can’t. My mum would not be happy to say the least,” I chuckled slightly earning a half smile from him “but I’ll see you around tomorrow I guess” I said hoping I didn’t hurt him, but still wanting to tell the truth.
“Uh yea... bye I guess.” He said and I stood on my tiptoes leaning in for a kiss which he happily took.
“Bye.” I said back as I turned around and started walking back home.

Notes

its 01:15 am here. what the hell am I doing with my life. im tired but I though id write again I was just in the mood, hope its not to crappy! thanks for reading!! xx