the only hope for me is you

I looked over to frank sitting on my bed, staring into space. I could tell he was thinking about something. He would do that a lot; he would just go into a deep thought. It was like something was bothering him, although I wouldn’t be surprised with what he’s been through. But these thoughts seem to be happy, by the look on his face, but he also looks confused at the same time. I can’t help but admire him. He’s so angelic and soft it’s like he shouldn’t be touched only to look at. Just the way his hair falls and his little smile, and how hard he tries to stay away from me but cant. I understand why he wanted to get away from me, plus I guess I was being a little pushy, I don’t know why I just felt something towards him. It’s like we are magnets that don’t want to attract but do anyway. And I can’t blame him for wanting to slow down, come on I mean it’s only been a few days since we met. Somehow though I can’t help but feel like I’ve known him all my life, it’s just this feeling.

It’s already noon and all we’ve done is get up and potter about in my room. We basically watched a movie while cuddling and then relax with the music on. We didn’t talk much, but we didn’t need to. We just loved each other’s company. Frankie was lying on my bed while I was at my desk. He was staring into space again. I grabbed a pencil and looked at his figure. I put the pencil to the paper sketching him making sure I get every aspect of his perfect form. He was just so perfect to draw. I made it detailed but abstract at the same time, trying to take in every feature. He was so deep in thought he didn’t even realise me drawing, never mind drawing him. I finished it after about 20 minutes and put it in one of my folders. I was quite quick at drawing, it was one thing i though i was good at. I didn’t want to show him though. He might think it’s creepy. I don’t want to creep him out; he already seems a little on edge.

I went over and lay next to him. He turned his head so he was facing me. I gave his a small kiss on the lips, no tongue just quick and sweet. He looked at me and gave a faint smile. I could tell something was up.
“What ya thinking about?” I said in a melodic tone which made it sound longer. He giggled lightly and turned over so he was on his side.
“Nothing you need to worry about.” He said with a smile kissing my fore head. I took the hint; I didn’t want to push him.
“Why don’t we go out?” he said smiling.
“Erm, yea ok.” I said hesitantly. There was one problem, I’m not openly gay. I didn’t want to tell him I wasn’t openly gay. What if he tried to hold my hand? Or kiss me? I don’t know how to do this. I hate people judging me. I really should tell him. But I don’t want to upset him. I know he’s open about it. And I was open with him that day because, well actually I don’t know why; I just really liked him and felt like I could tell him that. It was so out of character for me but I’m glad I did otherwise I wouldn’t be laying here looked at an angel.

“What’s wrong?” he said looking at me worryingly.
“I erm... erm... I’m not... like...” I trailed my sentence off I knew he wouldn’t want to be with a closeted guy.
He looked at me reading my face and emotions like he could tell everything I was thinking.
“You’re not openly gay are you?” he said. See I knew he was reading me. Am I really that easy to read? I looked down feeling a bit ashamed.
“You know I don’t care right?” he said with a smile, tilting my head up.
“You don’t? I mean wont it be a pain out in pu-“my sentence was cut off by him kissing me. He pulled away and smiled caressing my cheek.
“I don’t care Gee, it’s you, being with you is all I care about.” He smiled and kissed my cheek.
I looked down to hide my blush and the huge smile that was plastered across my face. Come on Gerard get your act together. Frankie got out of bed and walked over to my desk and grabbed the comb. He furrowed his eyebrows as he tried to fix his hair which looked like he had only just woke up. It was cute the way he focused his eyes at this one piece of hair and tried to blow it out of his eyes. Why was he so damn cute! I giggled slightly and got out of bed coming up behind him and wrapping my arms around his waist pecking him on the cheek. I grabbed his hand and led him out of my room, downstairs and outside to my car. We got in and I started driving. Frankie still seemed amazed at my house and everything I owned.

I knew I had quite a wealthy family. My parents were very successful but they were never really home. They’d get up and leave early in the morning and get back very late at night. The only day they were home for was Sunday, but they spent most of that day sleeping. I guess that’s a good thing in some aspect. They would never accept me being ‘different’. They hardly even know me. I mean they have no clue about my sexuality, my interest, my anything. The only thing they know is my grades, that all there interested in. I’m just glad I have Mikey I don’t think I’d have gotten through anything without him. He always really understood. I think he knew I was gay before I did! Mikey was always an amazing younger brother. He was more than a brother, he was like a dad, a best friend and everything else I could basically need accept obviously being a lover. That’s just weird. My parents never understood me; I was always weird in their eyes. I was always into art and music not the ‘normal’ subjects. My parents basically seen it as I would never succeed with anything and that being into music and art was a waste of money. Trust me I’ll show them. They aggravate me so much it’s unbelievable but I hardly ever see them anyways so at least that’s good.

My thoughts were interrupted by Frankie putting his hand on my thigh as he looked at me concerningly. I must have been pulling some face or something about my body language wasn’t normal. He rubbed his hand gently up and down my thigh soothingly. I’ve got to say it felt good. I looked back at him and gave a weak smile. He took the hint that I was okay-ish but didn’t want to talk, I appreciated that. He looked away from me but kept his hand on my thigh. I liked the closeness feeling I had with him, it just felt so natural and real. Frankie didn’t know where I was taking him but he didn’t question. We just sat in a comfortable silence with the radio on. I decided I’d go out of town so I could be openly gay to a point and not care who saw. It was a place I would go often but I was a different person there. I mean it’s not like I’d see those individuals anytime again soon. I turned up the radio and started singing

Ode to the alien weekend
Wednesdays ring starts to turn slow
You said how them one weakness
Then fill that happy heart

Frankie giggled slightly. I knew he loved my singing. To be honest I didn’t think I was that good but he obviously did. I could see the smile on his face even though he tried to hide it. He seemed genuinely happy to be with me. Not many people have had that feeling towards me but it feels great. We pulled up outside this small restaurant I liked. It was a retro rock restaurant. It would always play all the old rock songs and it had such a retro rustic feeling. I would come here all the time because no one from around where I lived knew it even existed. It was very small but I loved it. I gestured to Frankie to come with me. I knew he’d like it and his face when we walked in fulfilled my assumption. The look of awe and happiness on his face gave me life.
“I thought you’d like it” I said taking his hand and walking over to a table.
“This place is actually amazing!” frank said with a huge grin still looking around. The walls were covered in vinyls and the tables and chairs were made out of a rustic style oak. The place smelled like alcohol and pizza but that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I picked up a menu and so did Frankie after he finished looking around in amazement. We ordered a pizza (obviously) and just chatted in general. He was so open minded and easy to talk to. It’s like under the strong exterior he’s this calm sweet angel. His every movement was just perfect. I grabbed his hands and rubbed his knuckles with my thumb while he was talking just admiring everything about him. He was so sweet and innocent and cute and adorable and ugh! I could go on forever... we got a few weird looks from the hand holding and flirting but Frankie seemed used to it and he just shrugged it off. I however was getting a bit uncomfortable with all the people staring at me. I let go of Frankie’s hands and put down my head. I wished people wouldn’t stare. I hate it when people can’t accept me. I like to be liked. Frankie could see I was uncomfortable. I seen him glare at a few people out of the corner of my eye, thankfully they turned around and got on with their meals. At that moment our food came which I was relived at to break the silence.

“Hey Gee,” came a familiar voice I looked up and seen Hayley putting our food down. My ex girlfriend. I groaned internally. I forgot she worked here. That how we met.
”Uh hey Hayley.” I said not looking her in the eye. Our break up was mutual but she was always a bit clingy. I seriously grew to slightly hate her. I seen her look over at frank and then to me who was still looking at the ground. Man up Gerard seriously!
“Gerard, can I say something? Look I know I’m your ex and all but we can have a conversation. I haven’t seen you in forever. Oh and you and him definitely look cute together so stop thinking about what other people think.” She said calm but firmly. She would always speak her mind. I looked up at frank that had a slight look of confusion on his face.
“Uh frank this is Hayley, Hayley this is frank my uh boyfriend.” I said nervously. Wait I just called him my boyfriend. Shit. What f he didn’t agree? What if we weren’t there yet? Fuck! I looked at him but he just had a smile on his face. I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Hi frank, can I just say good luck he’s a handful!” she said playfully ruffling my hair. I gave her a playful glare and she laughed and walked off. I forgot how nice she could be. But she was also friking annoying. Frank just laughed which was reliving. I just gave an apologetic smile but I could tell he didn’t care. I think one of the main reasons me and Hayley broke up was because I realised I liked boys obviously. I didn’t tell her though. At first I felt kind of ashamed of who I was. I still do now to be honest. But I have a feeling that’s going to change...

Notes

sorry guys! ik its really shitty and its been a while but with school and then I was ill and I have a lot going on at the moment I could never rally write I've been doing this for the last 6 days and redoing it because it just didn't work. I hope this is at least goodish on some standard. I'll try and post more regularly from now on I promise! please comment or something if u liked it it would really help me!