The sixth part ((frerard))
Chapter 7 // sugar we're going down swinging
TW// self harm/scarring, panic attack
Frank POV
Shit. He knows. I struggle to form words and for a moment we just sit looking at each other before he picks up his phone again.
Gerard: So it is what I think? x
I nod slowly, unable to do much else.
Gerard: Come to the toilets, just like how I told you i'm batshit crazy, can you pretty plz do the same? I’ll only try and help, do you think I’m the kind to judge? X
“No I just uh” I sigh and stand up agreeing reluctantly “Okay”
The bathroom is full of rowdy teenagers but Gerard pulls me into the disabled one and sits cross legged on the floor. I copy, we’re probably sat in some kids piss but whatever.
“So officially I’ve been diagnosed with panic disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and major depression honestly it’s not a big deal” I begin “I think the worrying and panic started way back in elementary school I mean I hardly spoke and freaked out out of nowhere. Then in middle school the depression kicked in. That’s also when I first uh self harmed. Then it all climaxed around last summer, I was having maybe 3 panic attacks a day, I didn’t leave the house for 2months, I got really depressed, depression was the only relief from the anxiety and anxiety was the only relief from the depression and the only relief from both of those was cutting and I got into a daily routine of doing it. I was homeschooled for most of the autumn term and was put on meds but I’m doing good now. I still get panicky sometimes but I’m not constantly anxious like before and I still cut but only maybe once every 2weeks which is a massive improvement on before. I mean all this is nothing though”
Gerard looks at me, with a tiny sad frown but his expression mostly hard to read. For some reason I feel a lump in my throat as he begins to type me a message.
Gerard: Well done. It’s not nothing and it’s really awesome you got through it. But even now I’m here for you I guess and if you’re ever not okay please talk to me x
I smile slightly.
“Thanks, it means a lot. Same back to you”
Gerard: Pretty personal but can I see your scars?
I groan but look up at his expectant eyes. God he’s gorgeous.
“Didn’t you mention you had some too?”
He nods nervously.
“Only if you show me yours”
He nods again and we wait for a moment waiting for the other to make the first move. He begins to roll up the sleeve of his jumper but it gets caught so he takes it off completely. I get a glimpse of his belly as he stretches upwards and my heart skips a beat. I look at his arms, he has nowhere near as many as me. He has crimson very thin indented lines, they’re messy all criss-crossed, like cat scratches all up his arm. I feel my eyes well up, I’m not sure why but fuck frank keep it together.
“You don’t have to do that to yourself” I murmur eventually.
Gerard: I don’t. That other alter does :/
I gulp, unsure of what to reply. Gerard watches me and I remember I’m meant to be showing him mine. I take a deep breath and slowly slip off my hoodie and look away, not wanting to see his reaction. I look down at my scars. They’re deep and raised and red and ugly, completely unlike his. There’s a patch round my right wrist that’s completely fucked. It’s all just scars, you can’t tell where one begins and another ends, it’s just layers of scar tissue immediately destructed again and again and again. Then up my forearm there’s visible stripes, dark and bulging, and a few more recent with scabs. They dissipate past my elbow, with the odd faded line here and there. My left arm is the same but toned down, quite a few round my wrists and a few scattered up my forearm. I look up at Gerard who looks almost hurt. Gently he pulls my arm closer to him and slowly rubs his thumb across them, as if he has some kinda magic power that’d make them all disappear with a touch. That thought doesn’t do anything to help my teary eyed situation and I feel myself blush as I look away. My phones beeps again and I realise Gerard had just been typing.
Gerard: They look like tiger stripes x
I don’t know why but this message sends me over the edge as my breath becomes shaky and I feel a tear roll down my cheek. Looking at Gerard and seeing his eyes water too doesn’t help either. I still feel embarrassed and wipe my tears quickly and force my mouth into a smile.
Gerard: It’s okay to cry u know
He pulls me into a hug as soon as I’ve read the text and we lean back against the wall. Hus hugs are different to Party’s. Party squeezes you tightly but Gerard holds you gently. He rubs my shoulder softly and I rest my head on his shoulder. I can’t not cry, this kid is just so perfect.
“Shh” he coos under his breath and I snuggle deeper into his embrace “shh”
His scent is so pretty, his grip is so reassuring.
“It’s okay” he whispers under his breath. And suddenly it hits me.
“You spoke!” I exclaim, jerking up to look at him. He simply smiles, nods and pulls me closer again, resuming our previous position. We sit in silence for a few moments and I stare at the wall, looking at all the graffiti and doodling.
“Shh” Gerard breathes again, softly “It’s okay”
It’s nice sitting here, with just short sleeves, I haven’t done it in a while and I don’t feel all exposed anymore. Instead, I feel comfortable, at home. At home in Gerard’s gentle hold with him whispering to me quietly. Okay it’s only really 3 words over and over again and I’m not even sure one of them counts as a word but it’s perfect nonetheless.
Suddenly the door swings open and we both jump away from each other. I thought I locked it!
“Oh shit did I just interrupt the emos fucking?” one guy laughs. We stare at them, two guys and a girl looking at us like we’re something they scraped off their shoe.
“Ew!!” the girl squeals “Have you seen this dudes arm!?”
My entire world implodes and I can’t think straight. They don’t seem to have noticed Gerard’s scars which is good. I glance over to him, oh fuck he’s zoned out. I feel the familiar contortion in my stomach of a panic attack. Oh no not now anytime but now. Gerard’s dissociating and I’m panicking. Gerard’s dissociating and I’m panicking.
Suddenly there’s a flashing from the doorway and holy shit they’re taking photos. Out of nowhere, Gerard shoves his jumper on and runs out past the people without even looking at them. As he leaves I catch his eye oh fuck no that’s not Gerard in there anymore. That’s the one whose freaking dead inside.
I remain rooted to the spot, I can hear people talking but can’t take any of it in. So much noise. How many people are there now? Shit they’re all looking at me. All those eyes fuck fuck fuck all of them staring at me. Oh shit I’m going to die. I want to die. I can’t breathe and my hearts pounding. I can’t move. Everyone’s looking at me. I’m going to die in front of all these people. I can’t breathe. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
“Everyone class now!” someone yells firmly and the noise dissipates “Deep breathes now, in and out, in and out”
I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look round to the owner of the voice, a relatively young teacher, with a brown afro and a reassuring smile.
“I’m Mr Toro, I teach music but I don’t think I teach you. Deep breaths remember”
He talks for a few minutes but I don’t take anything in. Luckily, I feel myself calming slowly.
“W-where’s Gerard?” I get out eventually.
“Gerard way?” he questions, sounding slightly surprised.
“Y-yeah”
“I don’t know, I haven’t seen him. What happened anyway?”
I tell him pretty much everything, without thinking twice.
“I-I’m new, I have panic disorder and generalised anxiety and depression and I used to self harm a lot like as you can see from yeah uh arms but I’m kinda okay now well not this second but I made friends with Gerard and we were talking well he was writing me notes and I told him about it and like in here because its more private and I took off my hoodie because I’m okay with him seeing my scars and then someone just barged in and he ran out and I just stood here panicking because everyone was looking at my arms and saying stuff and people started taking photos”
“Wow okay dude, do you want to come with me and we can get you hot chocolate and biscuits if you want and we can have a chat?”
“I-I can’t I need to find Gerard”
“I’m sure he’s fine, he probably just needs a moment, he’ll be in lesson soon enough, it’s you we need to take care of”
“No you don’t understand I need to know where he is”
Those words go round and round my head, how Gerard explained that this other alter’s destructive fuck he could be harming him right now.
“I do, come with me” Mr Toro murmurs standing up and handing me my hoodie. I have no choice but to go with him shit “Everyone’s in lesson so you won’t see anyone, you can stay with me all afternoon if you want, you don’t have to see anyone you don’t want to”
I nod and reluctantly follow, practically hiding behind him. He takes me into this little room with two chairs and a coffee table with some broken rich tea biscuits on and a big window that looks out over the school field. I do a double take, I’ve only fucking spotted Gerard. Not that it’s actually Gerard controlling his body. He’s walking towards the the back of the field where there’s a bunch of bushes. I don’t know what’s behind them or whether you can get out that way but I don’t wanna take the risk. I watch Gerard out the corner of my eye as Mr Toro asks me about reporting the people taking photos. I give vague answers until I have an idea.
“You mentioned hot chocolate earlier?” I comment.
“Oh yes, would you be alright here while I run and get us both some” he grins.
I nod feeling guilty.
He walks out and down the corridor and once he’s out of sight I run in the opposite direction and out of the building. I look out over the field and can see a figure fucking miles away. I take a deep breath and run like my life depends on it. I am so unfit and after about 100metres I’m out of breath and there’s still so fucking far to go. I keep running, forcing my legs to move against their will, glancing back, I’m about half way across. Gerard disappears into the bushes fuelling me picking up the pace. Eventually I reach the bushes, I can hardly breathe and I worry about the possibility of a second panic attack. A stitch rips through my side as I look through the foliage at a figure moving around. I push a branch out the way, stumbling forward into the bush. Another branch pings back hitting me in the face and another gets stuck in my hair. I just put my head down and force myself forward blocking out all the scratching and hair pulling of these twigs. I trip as it clears slightly and I can see Gerard a few metres away sat holding a piece of smashed glass.
Frank POV
Shit. He knows. I struggle to form words and for a moment we just sit looking at each other before he picks up his phone again.
Gerard: So it is what I think? x
I nod slowly, unable to do much else.
Gerard: Come to the toilets, just like how I told you i'm batshit crazy, can you pretty plz do the same? I’ll only try and help, do you think I’m the kind to judge? X
“No I just uh” I sigh and stand up agreeing reluctantly “Okay”
The bathroom is full of rowdy teenagers but Gerard pulls me into the disabled one and sits cross legged on the floor. I copy, we’re probably sat in some kids piss but whatever.
“So officially I’ve been diagnosed with panic disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and major depression honestly it’s not a big deal” I begin “I think the worrying and panic started way back in elementary school I mean I hardly spoke and freaked out out of nowhere. Then in middle school the depression kicked in. That’s also when I first uh self harmed. Then it all climaxed around last summer, I was having maybe 3 panic attacks a day, I didn’t leave the house for 2months, I got really depressed, depression was the only relief from the anxiety and anxiety was the only relief from the depression and the only relief from both of those was cutting and I got into a daily routine of doing it. I was homeschooled for most of the autumn term and was put on meds but I’m doing good now. I still get panicky sometimes but I’m not constantly anxious like before and I still cut but only maybe once every 2weeks which is a massive improvement on before. I mean all this is nothing though”
Gerard looks at me, with a tiny sad frown but his expression mostly hard to read. For some reason I feel a lump in my throat as he begins to type me a message.
Gerard: Well done. It’s not nothing and it’s really awesome you got through it. But even now I’m here for you I guess and if you’re ever not okay please talk to me x
I smile slightly.
“Thanks, it means a lot. Same back to you”
Gerard: Pretty personal but can I see your scars?
I groan but look up at his expectant eyes. God he’s gorgeous.
“Didn’t you mention you had some too?”
He nods nervously.
“Only if you show me yours”
He nods again and we wait for a moment waiting for the other to make the first move. He begins to roll up the sleeve of his jumper but it gets caught so he takes it off completely. I get a glimpse of his belly as he stretches upwards and my heart skips a beat. I look at his arms, he has nowhere near as many as me. He has crimson very thin indented lines, they’re messy all criss-crossed, like cat scratches all up his arm. I feel my eyes well up, I’m not sure why but fuck frank keep it together.
“You don’t have to do that to yourself” I murmur eventually.
Gerard: I don’t. That other alter does :/
I gulp, unsure of what to reply. Gerard watches me and I remember I’m meant to be showing him mine. I take a deep breath and slowly slip off my hoodie and look away, not wanting to see his reaction. I look down at my scars. They’re deep and raised and red and ugly, completely unlike his. There’s a patch round my right wrist that’s completely fucked. It’s all just scars, you can’t tell where one begins and another ends, it’s just layers of scar tissue immediately destructed again and again and again. Then up my forearm there’s visible stripes, dark and bulging, and a few more recent with scabs. They dissipate past my elbow, with the odd faded line here and there. My left arm is the same but toned down, quite a few round my wrists and a few scattered up my forearm. I look up at Gerard who looks almost hurt. Gently he pulls my arm closer to him and slowly rubs his thumb across them, as if he has some kinda magic power that’d make them all disappear with a touch. That thought doesn’t do anything to help my teary eyed situation and I feel myself blush as I look away. My phones beeps again and I realise Gerard had just been typing.
Gerard: They look like tiger stripes x
I don’t know why but this message sends me over the edge as my breath becomes shaky and I feel a tear roll down my cheek. Looking at Gerard and seeing his eyes water too doesn’t help either. I still feel embarrassed and wipe my tears quickly and force my mouth into a smile.
Gerard: It’s okay to cry u know
He pulls me into a hug as soon as I’ve read the text and we lean back against the wall. Hus hugs are different to Party’s. Party squeezes you tightly but Gerard holds you gently. He rubs my shoulder softly and I rest my head on his shoulder. I can’t not cry, this kid is just so perfect.
“Shh” he coos under his breath and I snuggle deeper into his embrace “shh”
His scent is so pretty, his grip is so reassuring.
“It’s okay” he whispers under his breath. And suddenly it hits me.
“You spoke!” I exclaim, jerking up to look at him. He simply smiles, nods and pulls me closer again, resuming our previous position. We sit in silence for a few moments and I stare at the wall, looking at all the graffiti and doodling.
“Shh” Gerard breathes again, softly “It’s okay”
It’s nice sitting here, with just short sleeves, I haven’t done it in a while and I don’t feel all exposed anymore. Instead, I feel comfortable, at home. At home in Gerard’s gentle hold with him whispering to me quietly. Okay it’s only really 3 words over and over again and I’m not even sure one of them counts as a word but it’s perfect nonetheless.
Suddenly the door swings open and we both jump away from each other. I thought I locked it!
“Oh shit did I just interrupt the emos fucking?” one guy laughs. We stare at them, two guys and a girl looking at us like we’re something they scraped off their shoe.
“Ew!!” the girl squeals “Have you seen this dudes arm!?”
My entire world implodes and I can’t think straight. They don’t seem to have noticed Gerard’s scars which is good. I glance over to him, oh fuck he’s zoned out. I feel the familiar contortion in my stomach of a panic attack. Oh no not now anytime but now. Gerard’s dissociating and I’m panicking. Gerard’s dissociating and I’m panicking.
Suddenly there’s a flashing from the doorway and holy shit they’re taking photos. Out of nowhere, Gerard shoves his jumper on and runs out past the people without even looking at them. As he leaves I catch his eye oh fuck no that’s not Gerard in there anymore. That’s the one whose freaking dead inside.
I remain rooted to the spot, I can hear people talking but can’t take any of it in. So much noise. How many people are there now? Shit they’re all looking at me. All those eyes fuck fuck fuck all of them staring at me. Oh shit I’m going to die. I want to die. I can’t breathe and my hearts pounding. I can’t move. Everyone’s looking at me. I’m going to die in front of all these people. I can’t breathe. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
“Everyone class now!” someone yells firmly and the noise dissipates “Deep breathes now, in and out, in and out”
I feel a hand on my shoulder and I look round to the owner of the voice, a relatively young teacher, with a brown afro and a reassuring smile.
“I’m Mr Toro, I teach music but I don’t think I teach you. Deep breaths remember”
He talks for a few minutes but I don’t take anything in. Luckily, I feel myself calming slowly.
“W-where’s Gerard?” I get out eventually.
“Gerard way?” he questions, sounding slightly surprised.
“Y-yeah”
“I don’t know, I haven’t seen him. What happened anyway?”
I tell him pretty much everything, without thinking twice.
“I-I’m new, I have panic disorder and generalised anxiety and depression and I used to self harm a lot like as you can see from yeah uh arms but I’m kinda okay now well not this second but I made friends with Gerard and we were talking well he was writing me notes and I told him about it and like in here because its more private and I took off my hoodie because I’m okay with him seeing my scars and then someone just barged in and he ran out and I just stood here panicking because everyone was looking at my arms and saying stuff and people started taking photos”
“Wow okay dude, do you want to come with me and we can get you hot chocolate and biscuits if you want and we can have a chat?”
“I-I can’t I need to find Gerard”
“I’m sure he’s fine, he probably just needs a moment, he’ll be in lesson soon enough, it’s you we need to take care of”
“No you don’t understand I need to know where he is”
Those words go round and round my head, how Gerard explained that this other alter’s destructive fuck he could be harming him right now.
“I do, come with me” Mr Toro murmurs standing up and handing me my hoodie. I have no choice but to go with him shit “Everyone’s in lesson so you won’t see anyone, you can stay with me all afternoon if you want, you don’t have to see anyone you don’t want to”
I nod and reluctantly follow, practically hiding behind him. He takes me into this little room with two chairs and a coffee table with some broken rich tea biscuits on and a big window that looks out over the school field. I do a double take, I’ve only fucking spotted Gerard. Not that it’s actually Gerard controlling his body. He’s walking towards the the back of the field where there’s a bunch of bushes. I don’t know what’s behind them or whether you can get out that way but I don’t wanna take the risk. I watch Gerard out the corner of my eye as Mr Toro asks me about reporting the people taking photos. I give vague answers until I have an idea.
“You mentioned hot chocolate earlier?” I comment.
“Oh yes, would you be alright here while I run and get us both some” he grins.
I nod feeling guilty.
He walks out and down the corridor and once he’s out of sight I run in the opposite direction and out of the building. I look out over the field and can see a figure fucking miles away. I take a deep breath and run like my life depends on it. I am so unfit and after about 100metres I’m out of breath and there’s still so fucking far to go. I keep running, forcing my legs to move against their will, glancing back, I’m about half way across. Gerard disappears into the bushes fuelling me picking up the pace. Eventually I reach the bushes, I can hardly breathe and I worry about the possibility of a second panic attack. A stitch rips through my side as I look through the foliage at a figure moving around. I push a branch out the way, stumbling forward into the bush. Another branch pings back hitting me in the face and another gets stuck in my hair. I just put my head down and force myself forward blocking out all the scratching and hair pulling of these twigs. I trip as it clears slightly and I can see Gerard a few metres away sat holding a piece of smashed glass.
Notes
drama llama
I have another shorter chapter written which i might post later so wow that'd be like 3 updates in 24 hours on a motherfucking roll.
Megan x
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omg that's so cool wow setting the bar low lmao but yess omg I met them again exactly a week later and died so hard
11/20/15