The sixth part ((frerard))

Gerard POV

I wake up to the sunlight streaming in through the window but frowning, unsure of where I am. Frank's asleep on the floor next to me and I'm laying in a foreign bed.
I feel tears brim my eyes, against my will, I hate waking up with no idea of my surroundings. I find it comforting Frank's here though.
'Hey, calm down' Party whispers as I gulp nervously, trying to keep it together 'You're safe’
I lean back against the wall, gnawing at my thumb. I want to wake Frank up but at the same time he looks so peaceful sleeping and I’m sure waking him up would make him hate me.
I zone out into my inner world. According to my psychiatrist that’s what it’s called, we just call it the zones. It’s where me and Party hang out a lot, especially when we were young. It’s essentially a world in my head which I enter sometimes if I dissociate, similar to dreaming. I walk along the road, it’s warm, but comfortably so, though the beat up car parked on the side of the road is probably roasting. Party’s smoking on the front bonnet and I go and sit next to them on the sandy floor. We start chatting and I spot G in the window of the shop of this abandoned garage, drawing.
We stay there talking freely, G watching, for a while. You rarely see him round here but I know Saviour isn’t far either. Before I know it however, I’m aware of Frank’s voice and I’m slowly pulled back to reality.
“You okay?” he asks.
I nod and smile slightly, looking over at him, anxiety bubbling in my stomach.
“You seemed real spaced out, I was getting scared”
I shrug slightly and look at the floor guiltily, unable to explain properly.
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
I nod.
“Can you not talk anymore?”
I shrug, I can talk, I just don’t in situations like this, not that I can really help it. Frank frowns for a moment before reaching over to a desk on the other side of the small room and picking up a note pad.
“Ugh excuse all this crap” he says flicking through pages before stopping on a blank page “Do you wanna write?”
I nod and he hands it to me with a pen.
‘Morning <3’ I write with a little smile.
“It’s one in the afternoon but thank you” he giggles “Are you okay though, seriously?”
‘Yeah’ I write ‘I was just daydreaming but really hard I guess’
He nods.
“Why aren’t you talking?”
‘I just don’t want to’
He doesn’t push the topic, to my relief.
“So how long have you been awake for?”
I frown slightly. It was only just morning when I woke up, the sun seemed to have only just risen and now it’s 1pm and halfway across the sky but it feels like minutes ago.
‘Idk’ I put.
“You should’ve woken me”
‘I didn’t want to’
“Why?”
‘You looked pretty as you slept’ I write with a small giggle. He laughs too and thanks me before pulling me over, into a soft kiss and I shuffle a little closer, nuzzling into his collarbone, the warmth comforting.
‘So’ I write, with my head now resting on his shoulder, trying to seem casual ‘Where are we exactly?’
I look up at him as he pauses, his expression unreadable.
“My place honey” he murmurs leaning down, kissing me on my forehead before wrapping his arms around me, holding me tight. I nod, smiling, a lot of my anxiety evaporating, although I feel pretty stupid as I now clearly remember arriving home and falling asleep.
“Did- did you not know all this time?”
I shrug slightly before writing.
‘Sorry, of course I’m here, I just forgot and didn’t recognise the room, I’m dumb’
“Hey no you’re not, it’s okay”
We stay cuddled up for a few moments and I can hear the pulse from his neck in my ear and i can tell it’s not mine because my heart’s racing out of control. Not exactly with anxiety but with a feeling I’ve never experienced before and couldn’t ever explain, happiness, excitement and all those emotions I guess, but mushed together and so much more intense.
It’s not long until Frank's mom gets us food, soya meat burgers which we tuck into on Frank’s bed, even if it is only breakfast for us.
I don't say anything all afternoon and I can almost feel Frank's irritation. He acts like he's fine with it but I know he's not.
It’s almost evening when I finally get home. I open the door carefully, relieved both my phone and keys have stayed in my pocket.
As soon as it makes a noise, my mum comes rushing out the kitchen and pulls me into a hug, repeating my name.
I unintentionally flinch at the sudden contact and tense, shocked and slightly scared. She’s clearly been crying and I wonder why.
Overall, the others have been pretty quiet today, but I can feel Party conscious alongside me.
“Gerard” mom says, pulling away, taking a harsh tone “Where have you been all night ...and day!?”
I feel myself shrink back at the raised voice, my heart pounding as I look up at her angry face.
“I have been worried sick all night, I’ve not had a wink of sleep, you’re lucky Frank’s mom called first thing or I would have called the police, you could’ve just text me you know, Gerard” she rants getting increasingly louder. She continues for what feels like ages, though seeming to get quieter again this time and I don't catch anything she says. Both Party and Saviour are threatening to come out and I can feel my surroundings getting more distant by the second.
“Gerard” mom calls, with a slightly softer tone “Gerard!”
I feel myself rushing back to earth and look back up at her, though I don't think I ever actually looked away.
“Stay with me, I’m sorry for shouting, you just scared me” she sighs “I don't want anything to happen to you, and I don't know what's gotten into you recently”
I feel my eyes fill with tears, it’s so babyish for a teenager to be crying because they’re being told off but I can't help it.
“It’s like we’re going backwards, I thought we had this kinda thing under control”
I shrug, unsure of what to say, blinking rapidly, I don't misbehave much anymore, I bunked off school with Frank a few times and then this happened but that's all.
“Let's have a chat in here, come on” she murmurs, walking into the living room. I follow, keeping my head down and sitting on the sofa “Up for talking?”
Party scoffs, about how maybe if she hadn't just kicked off as I walked in, I’d be a bit more comfortable.
I shrug, and although she looks slightly exasperated, she doesn't push the matter.
“What's up with you recently?” she asks. I realise my sketchbook is on the table and I think she expects me to write something but I just shrug again.
“You’ve been more skittish than you’ve been in months, you stay out late and you skip school, and while you're nowhere nears as bad as a lot of kids, you’re barely yourself and I’m beginning to wonder if Frank's a bad influence”
I can feel Party aching to come out and give a piece of their mind but it’s not a good idea. Most likely, they’d start out ranting because she shouted and it’d turn into ‘but you barely even know us, so as if you'd be able to tell if we’re not ourselves’ which would soon turn into something lethal like ‘well maybe if you did your job as a parent properly there wouldn't have to be 4 other people doing it for you’ and that would result in an evening of tears and silent treatment which wouldn't be good for anyone.
I shake my head quickly, Frank’s the opposite, a good influence, I can't imagine life without him now. She pauses for a moment, thinking.
“Does Frank hurt you at all?”
I shake my head even more profusely than before. No. He could never, could he? But what if he could? If mom thinks he could, maybe its not just saviour being paranoid, maybe he really is lying. Maybe he is going to hurt me.
“Gerard, what's the matter?” she asks, picking up on my uneasiness “Does he?”
I shake my head again. He doesn't… yet.
“You sure?”
I nod decidedly, but can feel worry building inside me.
“Okay. If he ever does or even looks like he might, I want you to tell me right away, you promise?”
I nod. But I'm already breaking it, because it looks like he might right now.
“Gerard, you look terrified, what’s the matter?”
I shrug.
“See this is exactly the kinda thing I'm on about, there’s something going on with you, what is it?”
I look away, unsure of what to do, before she sighs defeatedly.
“You know you can tell me anything sweetie and you can always always talk to me if you ever need to, yeah?”
I nod.
“Okay. Good. I’ve moved your therapy session forward to Monday morning, by the way”
I nod again, deep down slightly relieved.

***

Frank POV

A buzzing pulls me out my slumber, and I open my eyes wearily, uncomfortable as I remember the nightmares from the night, this being the 5th time I’ve woken up but the first without adrenaline pumping through me. Checking the time on my phone, I see a couple of texts from Gerard flash up.I open them, and to my surprise I find they’re actually from G.
Gerard: Good morning!
Gerard: We have therapy tomorrow morning, the session got moved forward so we won't be seeing you until the afternoon, G x
My heart sinks but I carefully compose a message, squinting, still feeling quite weird around this alter I don't even know but do know because he’s my boyfriend.
Me: Okay :) why tho? are you okay?
Me: Sorry personal x
It's not long until my phone beeps again and I slowly start thinking more clearly.
Gerard: Don’t be sorry, I think it's because Gerard was late home yesterday, his mum wants to know what's up
I nod, before realising it’s a text and he can't see me.
Me: okay, good luck I guess
A few minutes later, it beeps again.
Gerard: So how’s things your end?
Me: Good, hella tired tho
Gerard: up late?
Me: no nightmares actually
Gerard: Shit sorry
Gerard: Did you eat cheese before bedtime?
I laugh as I read it, I can't fucking eat cheese.
Me: I’m lactose intolerant, if I ate cheese before bed I’d get more than just nightmares omg
Gerard: Oh dear lmao I see
Gerard: Did you eat tofu before bed?
I giggle, feeling better than I have before at 9:30am.
Me: I don't think tofu gives you nightmares
Gerard: How do you know?
Me: idfk it just doesn't lmao
Gerard: would you like me to call you and we can discuss this matter over the phone?
Me: If you want
It doesn't take long til my phone rings and I answer quickly and murmur a ‘hi’, surprisingly croaky.
“Hey” he answers quite cheerily.
“Morning” I reply.
“You really do sound sleepy” he laughs.
“Uh yeah” I mumble.
“Did I wake you up?” he asks with a slight concerned tone.
“Yeahh”
“Sorry about that”
“It’s okay, I’m happy being woken up if it’s by you” I say, aware of the flirtatious tone once it’s out.
“Uh, yeah, thanks” he replies awkwardly and I can't help but giggle slightly.
“Sorry I just”
“It’s fine” he reassures “We’re purely platonic though, okay?”
“Of course” I state “So are Gerard or Party around or?”
“Sure, I’ll just put you through to line 4 where they will be reading to talk, please hold” he says sarcastically, but somehow still cheerily and in no way demeaning whatsoever.
“No” I laugh “I was just wondering, but I wanna talk to you”
“Ah awesome, thank you, same to you” he says, sounding genuinely pleased I want to talk “No ones around at the moment, I always wake up first unless it’s a school day or something”
“Cool”
We end up chatting about guitars and G’s basic knowledge, that's actually surprisingly not all that basic. It still blows my mind how one alter can be completely musically illiterate and the other have the potential with a bit of work to seriously be in band but I've learnt recently the brain is incredibly powerful and most expectations are pointless because it’ll always prove them wrong.
“Frank, Donna wants to talk to you” G says suddenly. I hum and can hear whispers as the phone’s passed over.
“Hi Frank” she greets.
“Hi” I reply nervously.
“I feel like if you’re dating my son, we need to have a proper chat”
“Okay”
I feel my heart pounding and I chew my lip anxiously, knowing one wrong word could ruin everything.
“Have you had any previous relationships?” she asks.
I shake my head before remembering I'm on the phone again.
“No- no I haven't”
“Okay, how did you guys meet? I know it was at school but may I ask what the situation was?”
“Well uh it was my first lesson there and the teacher told me to sit next to him and that he doesn't talk so I like did a-and then he showed me his timetable and we have all the same lessons so he wrote a note saying that there's a seat free next to him in every one if I want it”
“Okay” she replies “What about his DID? What happened as you found out about that?”
“Uh, okay, well, he switched that afternoon, but I thought he was just suddenly in a bad mood or something so left him my number, then that night we were texting and he had no memory of what had happened and I was kinda freaked out so the next day I asked and he told me, like wrote it out”
“What just like that, the next day?” Donna asks sounding slightly confused.
“Yeah- we went to the toilet and he explained it”
“That doesn't sound like him”
“Well uh it’s what happened”
“I don't doubt that, I'm just wondering why he's acting different recently”
I don't really reply, unsure of why she’s asking all this.
“How did you react?” she asks.
“I- I don't know” I murmur “He asked if I'd heard the phrase dissociative identity disorder and I hadn't and then he said multiple personality disorder and I had, but I was quite I don't know- all I’d heard was horror stories in the media so I was confused I guess, but then he explained and I was quite cool with it”
“That’s good”
“Yeah I mean, it’s not common but it's not really weird, just different to what I'm used to but I don't think it's necessarily all that negative, it’s just a thing that exists”
She pauses a moment before replying.
“You’ve got a good outlook, Frank but I hope you know it is more than just a thing that exists, it’s a serious mental disorder”
I feel myself go red, realising how none of that came out how it probably should’ve have and I’ve probably just ruined every chance of his mom trusting me.
“I’m sorry, oh god, no that's not what I meant, I meant uh sorry” I trail off.
“It’s alright, I just think you’ve only seen the tip of the iceberg and I can't have you backing out or something down the line, because while you’re both young, the last thing Gerard needs is heartbreak”
“I would never- u-uh- what's the rest of the iceberg then?”
“Just all the struggles that come with having developed 5 personalities”
“Like w-what? I’ve noticed his memory's shot but if there's more uh I would yeah”
“There's a lot more”
“A-am I allowed to know. Like we’re serious a-and I want to know so I can help or try not to trigger him or anything. Obviously you don't have to say I just-”
“You’re a good kid Frank. Without trying to scare you or anything I’m just unsure if you know what you're getting into”
“What then?”
I can hear her take a deep breath before replying.
“well to start out he’s quite bad at communicating being all compartmentalised like this especially with his selective mutism”
I hum, encouraging her to continue.
“There's a lot of anxiety and depression and such” she starts “And then there's flashbacks, nightmares, paranoia, insomnia”
I inhale slightly as she begins listing symptoms.
“Obviously dissociation, depersonalization and derealisation, amnesia. Hallucinations, delusions. Erm, self harm, suicidal tendencies, you know, self destruction”
I hum, nervously, not sure if I want her to continue after all.
“A lot of instability, anger, terror, despair. Recklessness and impulsivity. Dependence. Unhealthy eating habits uh I think you get the gist”
I pause for a moment the words echoing through my brain.
“So not so much a cool little quirk” she concludes.
I agree and the subject changes, her asking about me and even giving me her number to talk if I ever need to, but I barely take anything in, too busy going over the list of shit Gerard gets in my head,feeling like I’m reciting entirety of the dsm. Eventually we hang up and I head downstairs, distracting myself with shit telly for the rest of the day.

Notes

shits about to get kinda real

in like a few chapters

which will probably be more bc i ramble too much

and will take 3 years to be uploaded

anyways

since my last A/N, i've had gerard answer my question in a q+a (!!!), halloween, ray tweeted me (literally it's the third thing on his profile when u click on it holy shit), it was my birthday and i met 2 of my ultimate heroes dan and phil

so i ain't even apologising for slow updates

also follow me on twitter @eventideiero

have a lovely day beans and comment on the title thang <3