TW// anxiety, kinda self harm

I get home and go straight to the mirror. I look at my jaw, it’s not that bad I mean no one noticed apart from Party but that’s only because they were right close in the sunlight. I think the punch was more in desperation than aggression. No one’s gonna notice, I mean neither Mr Toro or Mrs Way did. I walk into my room and flop back on my bed. I’m tense and full of so many emotions I can’t explain and am struggling to contain. I find myself feeling incredibly lonely. I want a hug, but I have no one who cares about me enough to give me one. I need some form of relief. I think of the only thing that does seem to care about me, a certain sharp object in my drawer. Immediately I feel my skin itch for relief. My phone next to me catches my eye. ‘Call me first next time’. If you say so, Party. I hope they’ve not switched, it’s been about 20mins since I got home and they seemed completely with it then. I find their contact and hit call.
“Hey” they answer on the second ring.
“Hey” I reply.
“You good?”
“Y-yeah, I just wanted to like chat about nothing to someone ya know?” I tell them, not wanting to tell them about my urges.
“Okay, that’s cool, what sort of nothing would you like to talk about?”
“I would say how entirely fucked we are, I’ve been there less than a week and it’s all gone tits up. But that’s not exactly what I would like to talk about”
“Don’t worry about it, okay that’s like the shittiest advice ever but when I rocked up at that godforsaken hellhole at the start of the year and I didn’t talk at all, and like for a bit everyone was assholes trying trick me into talking and hell I wanted to tell them all to fuck off but I didn’t so soon they got bored and now, well until I met you, I just walked around alone with nothing more than the odd “ha emo” shouted at me and I kinda liked it. It’s quite cool, I get away with a ton of shit like I could just get up and walk out of class in front of everyone and literally no one would say anything. I mean I get treated like I’m 8 but that’s practically a good thing. I know it’ll affect your punk cred but maybe just hang with me and we’ll be the designated freaks together. It’s not like it matters what they think, they might ask you some questions but just don’t give them anything and wait til they get bored. It’s laughable how sad their lives are for them to be that interested in and judgemental over someone elses” they rant, I feel myself smile a bit.
“Thanks, but I really can’t not fear what they think, like I know it’s completely illogical their judgements are just some meaningless chemical or nerve in someone else’s brain who after a bit of time I’ll never see again and has fuck all impact on me and I know how stupid I’m being but it’s my worst fear I just can’t get past it”
“I feel. I don’t know what to say because what you said is right but anxiety isn’t something I’ve really had but I guess over time hopefully you will realise they don’t matter and it will be okay like all this will blow over I promise”
“Thanks I guess, I hope so. So what’s going on inside your head then?”
“I don’t know, it’s only really me conscious at the moment, I think G is around though”
“What about Gerard?”
“I don’t know he’s still not around”
“Is he alright?” I ask concerned.
“Probably, I mean he won’t remember anything after that bathroom door opened, hell I don’t remember anything after that, but he won’t remember this conversation or anything”
I hum in response.
“Can I ask you a favour actually?” they question.
“Yeah?”
“Could you not tell him about uh where your bruise came from. If he asks just tell a white lie, you tripped or something but honestly I doubt he will, it’s hardly noticeable. Sorry, I feel really guilty asking you to lie but remember what I said about certain alters holding certain memories”
“Okay. I wasn’t gonna tell you anyway but you asked so I wasn’t gonna lie”
“Why? Please tell me things”
“I do”
“Okay” they agree but sound doubtful. We chat for another hour, the subject moving on and any urges I had are long gone. I’d happily have chatted for longer but they had to go and eat dinner. We text quite a lot through the evening and already I can feel the anxiety building inside me for the next day. They all saw. They took photos. Photos. Photos. I can’t think of anything other than how they all saw. I decide to shower and take an early night, I mean sleep only makes tomorrow happen quicker but honestly sleep is better than all this I’m feeling now.

***

My alarm yanks me out of my slumber, I barely think of anything as I fumble and switch it off and drift away again. I wake up to my mum at my side shaking me awake.
“Come on Frank, you’re gonna be late” she coos. She doesn’t know what happened yesterday. Fuck. Yesterday. I’m crushed by sheer terror as I remember and I roll over and hide underneath the sheets “Okay 5 minutes then I want you up”
I groan but curl up, trying to savour the moment. Just like the good old fucking days, hiding away from life under the duvet. Before I know it my mum’s back in my room.
“Frank you really need to get up” She murmurs. I can’t. I can’t do this. I can’t face them.
“I can’t” I groan.
“Not this again, please Frank you can” she pleads. I want to, I want to be strong and punky and not give a shit about anyone’s opinions but I can’t. I just can’t. My heart pounds at the thought of having to actually face the day “I thought we were past this Frank, you were doing so much better”
“We were- We are- I just- I can’t, not today. I’ll go in on Monday, I swear” I beg. I want to go, but I can’t now, not this second. I need time. But I will, for Gerard. Just not now.
“No but not todays gonna turn into not on Monday which will become not all week and suddenly you’re missing weeks of education like before” she tells me.
“It won’t please just give me today” I cry, feeling my heart rate increase.
“Oh frank” she mutters “I can’t send you in like this but I thought you were better I thought- I just, let me make some phone calls”
I groan but hide back under my duvet, relieved. A good hour must pass as I drown in anxiety. It’s paralyzing, I can’t move or think straight, let alone go to school. My phone beeps and with ton of effort I pick it up. I read it’s 8:59, the day is just starting. Fuck, I’ve fucked up. I’m gonna be late. Not that I can actually see myself managing to leave my room today. I have a text from Gerard and feel guilty at how I’ve left him there alone to deal with all yesterday’s shit.
Gerard:You okay? Party xo
Me:Yeah I’m so sorry im not gonna be in
Gerard: Why?? :((
Me: stomachache
Gerard: *anxiety
Gerard: I’m right aren’t I?
Me: Yes fucking hell. I’m sorry, I want to come in I mean you’re having to give a statement about something you have no memory on, I’m so sorry, I just can’t :/
Gerard: It’s okay, I’ll blag it, it’ll be okay I promise, lesson starts in a minute but at break I need to pick up one of those statement filly in sheets, can I call you then and you can tell me what to write?
I feel so guilty, but the thought of even talking to Party is making my stomach churn. Why did I even think it was a good idea telling Gerard any of this? Why didn’t I just run out the goddamn building on my first day like I wanted to? I know I don’t mean what I’m thinking, I really care about Gerard I just can’t deal with any of this.
Me: I really care about you and I think you are awesome so please don’t take it personally but I don’t think I can, the thought of doing anything other than hiding away all day makes my me feel physically sick, like literally typing that sentence made me feel like I’m about to pass out for a sec
Gerard: Frankie :(( that’s so shit, I’m so sorry you have to go through that *hugs*. Don’t push yourself too hard but please look after yourself, ya know self care, maybe try and shower or paint your nails (if that’s ur kinda thing) and make sure you eat and drink okay? It’s all okay, and don’t worry about me xo
Me: Thanks I’ll try. I’m so sorry, but thanks for being really understanding it means a lot <3
As soon as I hit send I regret the little heart. Oh god I regret even telling them. I should of just denied the anxiety thing.
Gerard: It’s nothing, don’t be sorry xo
I don’t reply and slip back into my own world of staring at the ceiling. My mum comes in and out telling me stuff but I don’t pay attention to any of it. It must be about 1pm when I wrench myself out of bed and trudge downstairs. The anxiety seems to have mostly passed, I just feel so shit. I’m such a failure. I can’t even go to school like every fucking kid on this shitty planet. I think back to what Party said, the shit about self care. I walk past my mum and get myself some cereal. I don’t even want to eat, but I force it into me, taking excruciating amounts of effort. My mum says something about bringing my next therapy session forward and I nod. Then I trudge back upstairs and sit thinking about nothing. I look at some black nail polish on my desk. I pick it up carefully, surprisingly it’s not gone hard. I should probably trim my nails or something first but I apply it carefully. For a few minutes, I’m occupied, distracted from all this negativity, almost happy but before I know it, I’ve finished the second coat on my last finger and I slip back into the darkness surrounding me, flopping back onto the bed. I’m aware of my phone beeping but don’t bother checking it. After a while, I’m snapped back to reality by noise by the front door. My mum’s out in the garden, she shouted up to me a few minutes earlier and I decide it’s probably worth checking my phone.
Gerard: How are you? Partyxo
Gerard: Feeling any better? xo
Gerard: I got away with not filling in the sheet by completely blanking everyone, I agreed to have it done by Monday tho
Gerard: I’ve been given some homework and the sheet for you to give to you. Is it okay if I come round? I won’t stay or anything if you don’t want, just hand it to you and leave
Gerard: Are you okay?? xo
Gerard: Sending you tons of hugs xo
Gerard: Okay I’m outside, you don’t have to see me if you don’t want, I’ll put it through the letterbox, let me know
Gerard: Are you okay??
Gerard: Frank??
Gerard: Sorry for spamming you, I’m just worried xo
Gerard: Okay, it’s raining so I’m just gonna put it through your letterbox then go home, call me when you feel ready to <3
I jump up, moving faster than I have all day and push the window open. I look down at the black haired figure struggling to push a pile of sheets through the door. They look up quickly at the sound.
“Frankie!!” they exclaim. I feel my stomach knot and wave of guilt wash over me.
“Shit sorry uh hi, I’ll be down in a sec” I gabble awkwardly. I rush downstairs, pulling my hood up on the way and open the front door quickly. They reach out, offering to hug me and without thinking, I step back.
“I-I’m really gross sorry, I probably reek, you don’t wanna hug me” I warn them.
“What the hell no of course I wanna hug you. But it’s okay if you’re not feeling huggy” they smile. I feel guilty.
“Uh can we uh I don’t know” I shake my head, hoping the ground would eat me, they don’t press the topic “I’m so sorry I only just read all your texts”
“It’s okay, do you want me to come in or?”
“I uh it’s pissing it down uh okay I mean only if you want like you don’t have to I mean I’m not saying don’t like yeah you totally can I just uh yeah” I gabble. Fuck Frank you can’t even talk properly.
“Of course I want to” they smile, stepping inside. I should tell my mum they’re here, I don’t want to go out into the garden though and leave Party. But shouting would be awkward. I begin to stress for a moment unsure of what to do. Fuck.
“Mum?” I call out nervously, I hear her shout something back “I- uh a friend well person uh yeah friend from school is here dropping off some homework, is it okay if they uh come in for uh a bit because you know it’s really raining”
“That’s fine” she yells and I smile. We walk upstairs, I’m unsure of whether I should go first or second but seeing as it’s my house I go up first, incredibly self conscious. They must be looking up at me completely repulsed. I pull my hoodie down and the sleeves over the hand, not that it helps much. I walk into my room, kicking yesterdays boxer shorts under the bed, hoping they didn’t notice and sit on the bed cross legged. They sit next to me.
“It probably smells of sweaty teenager in here and it’s such a mess I’m so sorry I mean if I knew you were coming round I’d of tidied I’m blaming you or anything though sorry it probably sounds like that” I sigh. I’m aware of my fingers tapping my knee anxiously and while I love Party’s presence I kinda want them to leave as soon as possible.
“I didn’t think you were, don’t worry. It’s fine” they say softly. A thought along the lines of ‘yeah but they’re just lying because they feel sorry for you’ flits through the back of my mind but I don’t focus on it. They look at my hand and I freeze it immediately, feeling myself squirm a little bit and my toes curl with the awkwardness as I blush furiously. Gently they reach over to my hand, I want to pull it away but I don’t and they hold it softly and stroke my fingers with their thumb. My stomach flips and although it’s amazing, my crush is holding my hand, I tense for a moment. It’s not even like that, they’re just trying to calm me because I’m a fucking idiot who can’t control their emotions. The movement becomes relaxing as a few seconds pass and my anxiety levels lower slightly.
“You okay” they smile.
“Yeah yeah fine”
“Okay well, here’s some shit I was given” they tell me, reaching into their bag but keeping hold of my hand and pulling out some papers. Maths homework, a newsletter on this freaking summer camp at the end of the year and an ‘incident evaluation form’, we also need to work on that history project and do some shit for music”
I nod.
“Should we fill in that form now together, if you’re feeling up to it? You don’t have to”
“Uh no uh yeah we should probably get it over with”
“Okay so basically write the same thing but make it so it’s not obviously copied, well I’ll draft mine out now then get Gerard to copy it out because of the handwriting thing”
“But what do you do in class when you’re out?”
“I just don’t write anything, I do listen though. They tried to make me for ages but I get decent grades so they kinda gave up. Obviously Gerard does work and all the homework”
“You should uh tell the school, I’m sure they’d understand”
“Yeah, if you want me locked up. Anyway this statement”
“Yeah uh wait do you wanna uh put on some music” I ask, self consciously walk over to my stereo “What do you want to listen to?”
“You choose, I made you listen to nicki minaj”
“I don’t mind really”
“Okay, you like smashing pumpkins don’t you?” they say pointing to their CD on the floor. I blush and put it on and sit back down awkwardly. They hold my hand like before and I relax slightly. I don’t know what I feel or what it means but I think I like it. They pull 2 pens out their pocket. “You can use my pen if you want”
I smile and nod, not really wanting to go hunting downstairs for a shitty ass biro.
“So what exactly happened? I mean I don’t wanna push you but they said they want exact details of what everyone looked like and shit” they ask, writing ‘statement draft’ in curly letters at the top of a scrap bit of paper.
“Okay so uh I was oh god fucking crying and you well Gerard was holding me and neither of us had any sleeves but I don’t know whether we should put I was crying” I explain, my stomach churning. They write out ‘frerard lovey times’ and I let out a little giggle.
“You can’t write that!!” I scold.
“It’s only a draft don’t worry, we can write it up neatly later”
“Besides it wasn’t even ‘lovey’ just uh I don’t know”
They hum in response but don’t reply. Maybe it was lovey. No it could have been. But maybe it was. Before I come to a conclusion they pipe up again.
“Gerard spoke to you didn’t he?”
“Yeah kinda, we didn’t have a conversation, he just like whispered nice things to comfort me”
“That’s sweet”
“Says the one who has been rubbing hand for half an hour now”
“Hey I’m sweet too”
“I don’t disagree”
“Right so frerard lovey times were interrupted by the door opening, who opened it? My memory kinda fades out there”
“There was this guy uh 2 guys a- and a girl”
“What did they look like?”
“Uh the guy had like long wavy black hair”
“Bert?”
“Who?”
They reach into their pocket and type ‘Bert McCracken’ into facebook. I don’t use facebook, full of assholes if you ask me. Seems I’m right.
“Him?”
I nod, recognising the half assed attempt at a beard and his angry eyes.
“He’s an asshole, take no notice. Is it okay if you describe him but I put his name, just because you don’t know him yet and I don’t think we’re meant to work together on this so they need to be different?”
“Yeah yeah sure”
“Okay so who was with him?”
“I’m not sure, I couldn’t really see, there was a male figure behind him and a girls voice but I didn’t really notice. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. So what did they say”
“Uh Bert I think said ‘oh shit the emos are fucking’ or something”
“Oh my god, I love how people still use ‘emo’ as an insult like dude I’m self anointed emo trash and proud” they laugh. I smile again slightly “Okay then what happened?”
“Uh they were looking at us like we’re repulsive and then the girl looked at me and like uh squealed and went ‘Ew- ‘Eww, have you seen this dudes arm?’” I explain, my voice wavering.
“That fucking lowlife shit stain that’s so cruel” they exclaim, I jump slightly at the surge of anger but they do the hand holding rubbing thing again “Sorry, I just okay this is gonna sound so cheesy but your scars are motherfucking badass, they’re your battle scars, they show what you’ve been through and what you’ve survived, okay so self harm isn’t the best way to deal with shit but what’s happened has happened so now you just have to try not to make anymore but the ones you have won’t be going away anytime soon, they’re a part of who you are now and you shouldn’t be ashamed of that at all”
“Yeah but they’re gross. Like visually, they’re disgusting and it’s also disgusting for a person to do that to themselves but anyway sorry yeah basically that girl was repulsed by them”
“No, it’s not disgusting, you’re not disgusting. You are amazing and funny and I really admire your strength and you don’t need their shitty ass opinions because they know fuck all about it and you know better than anyone how difficult it is but you survived it you piece of beautiful unbreakable human”
“Thanks. Sorry I wasn’t compliment fishing there” I blush, genuinely touched by their words.
“It’s okay, I didn’t think you was, I was just telling the truth. Anyway so what did this girl look like?”
“Uh honestly I have no idea, I didn’t want to look”
We chat for a while, I take them through every detail, they scribble it down, them comforting me as we get to the photos bit.
“It’s okay, a few people saw them but most went ‘who the hell is that?’ they couldn’t care less, besides all you could really make out is blurry redness” they tell me.
“How did you see them!?” I cry at the revelation.
“Someone put them on an anonymous facebook page. But don’t worry it’s been taken down”
I feel like I’m about to throw up. Everyone saw. Fucking hell. They tell me about how they shocked everyone by writing ‘Fuck Off’ in cursive and holding it up to anyone who asked dumb questions. Who’d have thought it, the meek mute child knowing what swears are and actually having a backbone? The story relaxes me slightly and we carry on. After a few minutes they show me the ‘draft’ they made.
Statement draft
*Frerard lovey times*
So this ABSOLUTE BITCH, Bert McCracken barged tf in when Frank and I were relaxed in our own beautiful bodies, not needing to cover up marks that are part of who we are and tell a story most could never understand because they do not fit society’s shitty ass standards of beauty. Bert aka shit stain no1, commented “Oh shit the emo’s are fucking” when he saw us. As my scars are smaller no one noticed them but they did spot Frankie’s. Shit stain no2 seemed to bypass the wondrous godlike creatures in front of her and being the close minded asshole she is opted to comment “Ew, look at this dudes arm’ at Frank. Her loss. Shit stain no3 was present but didn’t make any comments at this point, a good choice for his own sake. Frank however, began to enter a panic attack, something beyond his control but something he is fucking hardcore for dealing with. We heard clicks and saw flashes as one of the shit stains LEVELLED UP ON THEIR ABSOLUTE FUCKING SCUMBAG LEVEL AND IN SOME FUCKED UP WAY THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO TAKE MOTHER FUCKING PHOTO’S THE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING VILE SOGGY FUNGAL NAIL INFECTION. Neither of us caught who took photos, possibly multiple people as a crowd was gathering and we were both absorbed in our own panicking. I regretfully shoved my jumper on and ran out the toilet, expecting Frank to follow but he remained rooted to the spot. I had taken a moment to compose myself in the bushes at the back of the field, where maybe half an hour later he came and found me. We chatted for a moment before walking back across the field where we met a jesus like teacher, Mr Toro, and I learned that he had sent the crowd to class, calmed Frank, took him in for a chat, made hot chocolate to calm his nerves and while Mr Toro was gone Frank had spotted me out the window and being the fucking incredible human he is, came to find me and check I was okay. Sadly the hot chocolate went cold. Rip hot chocolate. The entire incident left Frank with crippling levels of anxiety, Frankie is a delicate petal, beautiful cinnamon roll, too good for this world, too pure and was unable to attend school on January 16th due to the trauma of the incident. I discovered the same morning sOME SORT OF ABSOLUTE DEEP FRIED FUCKING STICK OF CELERY put them on an anonymous fucking facebook page. The page has since been deleted but the pictures are still circulating. Please lock these terrible shit stains in a room with a gun and Meghan Trainor on loop. Thank you for your time.
I find myself giggling as I read.
“You’re fucking amazing, Party” I chuckle “But delicate petal? Beautiful cinnamon roll? Too good for this world? Too pure?”
“You object to my expression of my protective nature with a hint of meme?”
“No I just fucking hell you’re the worst” I giggle.
“You know me too well”
I write out my version, from my point of view, in neat, painfully removing they’re creative insults. I feel my anxiety levels rise, the writing making me tense. The album that had been playing has long since finished and the room is quiet. I physically jump when their phone rings suddenly, and note the look of concern I get as I end up at the end of the bed. I don’t know why I’m so jumpy, I just can’t help it. It’s a fight or flight reflex, I don’t control it. I can’t even stay calm for 5 seconds. They come of their phone a few moments later.
“My mum wants to know how long I’m going to be and if I’ll need dinner” they tell me.
“Okay uh, I don’t know, I like- Will you talk to my mum?”
“Maybe. I probably shouldn’t though because Gerard wouldn’t and I’m meant to be pretending to be him”
“Okay, I uh just wanted to know so I- I know what I can tell her like”
“Yeah it’s okay dude, I’m not sure, finish that first”
I keep writing and about 5minutes later my mum comes in.
“Hello” she smiles “Hi Gerard”
Party smiles and waves slightly.
“I made a few calls like I said Frank, the school told me everything, it’s okay Gerard I know you don’t speak. I just wanted to thank you really for bringing that stuff round and being a good friend to Frank, apparently you were really opening up to eachother and I appreciate the fact you haven’t judged him by his past” she explains. I blush furiously and Party nods “I would ask you to stay for dinner but we only have enough in for Frank and I, which will be done in 10 minutes. Please come round afterschool anytime, get Frank to text me at lunch and I will buy something in for you”
Party nods and shoots her a thankful face and she closes the door.
“I think she wants me to leave” they laugh.
“Yeah I guess uh the rains stopped. I would walk with you but uh I’m not sure I can” I mumble, feeling guilty.
“It’s okay, it’s rad that we’ve been chatting, it’s rad that you’re even out of bed, I get that these things are really fucking hard at the moment so they’re achievements in themselves” they explain.
“I suppose” I agree, reluctant to admit how hard I actually find functioning as a normal human sometimes. A few minutes later, we say our goodbyes and I see them out. I feel a short lived level of relieve, it’s not that I don’t enjoy their company, it’s just being with anyone is really draining. I don’t get to relax for long before my mum calls me for dinner. I push my food around the plate while my mum interrogates me. I answer with one word answers and don’t take anything in. After a few minutes, I trudge back upstairs before flopping on the bed and letting darkness envelop me. I stay like that all weekend, my phone dying somewhere along the way.

Notes

extra long update mostly unproofread
sorry i've been shit @ updating
i also added song lyrics to chapter titles but i can't think up fitting ones sigh

Megan x
((imagine my social media's here))