Chasing the Sun

Gerard woke up a few hours later. He hadn’t changed out of his clothes before throwing himself on their bed, passing out before his head had hit the pillow. Lilly hadn’t moved since he made his entrance, afraid that any movement would turn her nausea into vomiting. Her breathing was slow, but only through deep concentration and willpower to not have a panic attack before things got heated. Lilly knew where it was going. She knew what the end result of their argument would be, and though she was fully aware of the fact, it didn’t quite seem real. The very real fact that by the end of the night she would be single once again felt strange, surreal, not quite like it was her life and her relationship that was drawing it’s last, dying breath. It was pure torture in the sickest, most demeaning way possible, sitting on the couch knowing what was about to happen, and yet not being able to hurry it along, slow it down, or stop and contain the impending rupture that was going to tear her heart and soul apart.

When Gerard shuffled out of the room, he looked nothing short of awful. His hair was greasy, his skin was so pale that it was almost grey and his eyes were red and raw with tired bags that proved his sleep hadn’t done much to restore him to full health. His hangover was going to be a nasty one, and Lilly couldn’t find it in herself to feel sympathy. She only prayed that his pain would be half as agonising as the pain she was about to put herself through.

“We need to talk,” her tone was hard, quite similar to her 'teacher's voice' when she was correcting a student’s bad behaviour.

“Lilly, I’m sorry-“

“Shut up!Just…shut the fuck up! I’m done. I’m officially fucking done. If you want to destroy yourself, that’s fine.It’s your life.You’re a big boy, who can make his own decisions now, so you do that. Enjoy your fucking alcohol, and your fucking pills that you think I know nothing about. Enjoy it all, because I’m not going to be here to nag you anymore. Pack your stuff and get out, because I don’t want to see your face again!” She took a shuddering deep breath, breathless from the rant that spewed from her mouth. “I fucking love you, and you just don’t give a shit.”

Her voice cracked, betraying the calm exterior she was trying to project. She didn’t want to give Gerard room to worm his way back into her affections. She didn’t want him to make her forget about the shit he had just pulled, the pain he had just put her through. She wanted none of it. She needed him gone.She needed to move on and grieve for what could have been if Gerard hadn’t been so intent on self-destruction.

“Don’t say that! I love you, and you know I do. I’m sorry, okay-“

“No. No, you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t do this to me. If you loved me, you’d admit you have a problem. You’d try to get help, or at the very least, talk to me about what’s going on. Instead, all I get is left out in the cold, wondering if you’ll be home tonight, or will I get a phone call from a hospital, telling me you had alcohol poisoning? I can’t do it anymore, Gerard. I won’t. I’m not letting you drag my life down this path, where I’m left with nothing but little slivers of the man you could’ve been, if you were brave enough to face your problems. I know you were hurt, but, fuck!That doesn’t mean you try to destroy yourself. But that’s your choice, and I’m not standing by the sidelines anymore.”

Gerard closed the gap between them, desperation seeping out of his pores and filling the room with the stench of it. Lilly couldn’t let herself get lost in his emotional manipulation, or drown in his words that would be nothing but false promises of a better future. She took a step back when he stood in front of her, afraid that she would cave if he touched her.

“Lilly, hear me out, okay? Just hear me for a second before you do this! At least give me that before you end this! Please.”

“Why?So you can lie, and tell me you’re gonna do better? That you’ll give the drink up? Or maybe just that I’m a bitch, and I’m overreacting? No, I’m not listening to it anymore. I know I’m not worth much, but, damn it! I’m worth fucking more than that.”

“I got offered a job, Lilly. I got offered my own fucking comic.” Gerard spilled out.

The words were met with stunned silence, the news a curve ball that Lilly had not anticipated.

“What?” she asked dumbly.

“Before I came here…and all that stuff with Mikey happened, I pitched a comic to Dark Horse. I never heard back, and I assumed nothing had come of it. Turns out, it had just been delayed under a pile of other comics. They want to do my comic, Lilly.”

“Wow! Gerard, that’s amazing!” All the air was taken from her lungs, her head dizzy.

“I got the phone call Friday. They’ve been trying to get in touch with me for months, but I’d been ignoring Mikey’s calls. I finally picked up Friday, and he told me. We talked for the first time since I left, and I…I fucking miss him, in spite of what he did. It felt like it was a sign to finally go back and face everything. This is my dream, Lilly. Everything I ever fucking wanted since I was five years old and drawing characters on pieces of paper.”

The words hit Lilly like a punch in the stomach. It was with a blinding white clarity that she understood what his words meant.

“You’re going back to the States, aren’t you?”

The silence lasted a heartbeat.

“Yes.”

“Wow! I… I’m happy for you, Gerard.”

He shook his head, stepping forward to cancel out the step Lilly had taken moments before.

“No, don’t say it like that… Come with me! Come to New York with me! I’ll stop the drinking, okay? I’ll stop drinking, you can get a job, we’ll find some overpriced, crappy apartment and we can make this work.”

He reached out to take her hand, or maybe pull her into a hug, but Lilly only shirked away from his touch, her heart torn in two when she saw the flash of hurt on his face.

“I can’t, Gerard. I don’t trust you. You say you’re gonna stop, but I just don't believe it. I can’t believe it.”

“Lilly, please-“

“No, I can’t. I’m not like you, Gerard. I’m not able to make friends anywhere I go. I’m awkward, I say the wrong shit all the time, and I’d have nothing but you. A guy who drops me to go out on a binge whenever it suits him; a guy who makes me feel as though I’m a ball and chain when he comes home after another bender.”

“I’ll change, Lilly. I’ll talk to someone, if that’s what you want. I’ll go to AA, I’ll do whatever you want. Just…just don’t give up on me! Things will get better, I’ll do better. This is a chance for us, Lilly.”

He looked like he was about to go down on his knees and beg for another chance. There were tears in his eyes, which were wide and filled with terror. Lilly didn’t think it was possible for her heart to hurt any more, but the expression on his face; a mix of hurt, pain and a vulnerability she had never seen on him, crushed her heart into smithereens, the pieces so small it would be nothing more than fine powdery dust in her hands.

His face was honest, sincere and pleading with her to not walk away. She swallowed the painful lump that formed in her throat, choking her with emotion that was impossible to ignore or hide from. In her righteous anger, during the pep talk she had given herself to gather the guts to end things with Gerard, the idea of him leaving hadn’t quite entered her mind. In the back of her mind, she thought the break up would be more of a break. As fired up as she had been, and hurt, she never truly saw it as the final act. Part of her hoped that it would force Gerard to change, to make him finally see what he was doing to her. Now, she was faced with the scenario that if she didn’t follow him, she would truly lose him forever. This wouldn’t be a break, a time apart that they could come back from if Gerard took the steps needed to show he was going to try and get help for his drinking. When Gerard got on that plane, he was gone. There would be no coming back.

She had two choices in front of her. She could risk everything and go with him, where there was no certainty that she would gain employment, no certainty that they would last, or that he would stop drinking. It wasn’t as though she could just hop on a plane and just join him. She would need to get a visa to go over, a process that took months. It wasn’t as simple as he made it out to be. Then there was the straightforward choice. She stayed, and the broken fractures of their relationship would remain as they were. She would grieve, endure a pain like nothing else she had ever felt, but she would have her friends. She would have her job, and family. She would have security and control over what happened to her.

She opened her mouth, the answer slipping from her tongue with ease that shattered the stillness of the room.

Notes

So, two chapters left. I'm still in two minds as to how I'm going to end this. I'm leaning towards no sequel at the moment, purely because I have so any other stories in the works. If I do decide on one, it'll be a while before it goes up. Anyway, thanks to you amazing readers and please comment if you can.

Lyra