Chasing the Sun

It had been a month since she had told Gerard her choice, and those four weeks had been the longest, most miserable few weeks of her life. Gerard had left that night, with a backpack and a pleading look that made her want to cry from just how unfair the entire situation was. He had come by the apartment since then – she could tell by the gradual increase of space in her wardrobe. He would leave little notes for her whenever he stopped by, with little poems, or just something soppy and lovesick that would make her break down into tears whenever she found them. He constantly texted her, telling her that he loved her, that he wanted her to go with him to the States, that he hadn’t touched any alcohol since that night, that he was sorry, and that things would be better if she gave him another chance. She had no idea where he was staying, and she never responded to his messages. She didn’t know what more she could say.There were no words that could make the hell she was in any better.

Work was torturous. Not because of the children, but because all she wanted to do was scream and shout, and it was tough to keep herself in check when dealing with a group of children who could sense something was wrong with her. The child who had been causing problems had stopped after a particularly bad tongue lashing from Lilly that almost made him cry. She had felt like shit when the class went silent, all of the children staring at her with a look of betrayal. She went from being their favourite teacher, to the one that they dreaded seeing every day. It killed her, and she tried her best to get the class back to their old selves. It had involved a bit of bribery in the form of dvd days and a major cut back on homework. It worked pretty well, and the class had relaxed in the two weeks since. There was still an undercurrent of mistrust in the air, and Lilly could only hope that it would disappear soon. It wasn’t as though she long left with them.There was a mere six weeks left in the school year, and Lilly was counting down the days until she had the entire seven days in a week to cry, and mourn, and generally act like a bitch in the comfort of her own home. She would need to get a new roommate soon, something she was holding out on, because some part of her, that wasn’t even very deep down, wanted Gerard to come back. She didn’t want him to leave, she didn’t want to have to say a final goodbye, not in her current state.

She had gotten the first indication that something wasn’t right when she vomited one lunchtime after drinking a bottle of orange juice. She had marked it as strange and unusual, but she put it down to stress, heartbreak and a soured stomach. Then it happened the next morning, and the one after that. It wasn’t until she realised that she had yet to get her period, that it clicked that she might be pregnant. She delayed doing a test, afraid that confirmation would make it real, and if it was real, she would need to deal with it. When the weekend came, she knew it was useless to put it off any longer, so she pulledup her metaphorical big girl pants, rushed in and out of a pharmacy with shame-filled panic, and in the comfort of her own apartment, she ripped open the white box, pulled out one of two white sticks, and did the necessary business. Three minutes later, a blue line appeared in one of the test windows and a pink positive sign stood out, a little faint perhaps, but it was definitely there. She took the second one an hour later, after drinking a sufficient amount to cause her to pee again, and when the same result came back, she was forced to accept that the tests were right. She knew it in her gut – she knew something strange was going on in her own body, and the test was only a confirmation.

It knocked her for six. One day, she was a normal, non-pregnant, heartbroken twenty four year old. The next, she was a pregnant, heartbroken, completely fucked, twenty four year old. She had no idea what the right thing to do was, and in the back of her mind she couldn’t help but wish it wasn’t happening. Pregnancy and bringing new life into the world was meant to be a marvellous thing, but sometimes it just wasn’t, not when your life was less than ideal. She was alone. The father of her child was about to leave for America. Her heart was torn, shredded, and she was in no way ready to bring a child into the world. She was immature, she was terrible at coping with pressure, and she loved her sleep too much to give it up for a crying baby who needed to be fed every few hours.

She thought about telling Gerard, in the hope that he would stay with her. Then guilt would kick it, and the thought of emotionally blackmailing him to stay, of keeping him away from his dream and destroying his chance of happiness and sobriety if his claim of abstinence was true. He said it himself, it had been his dream since childhood. As much as she hated it, and secretly resented it, this was an opportunity Gerard couldn’t miss. He needed to do it, he needed to accomplish his long cherished dream of being a comic book artist. He'd worked hard for it, he'd struggled through college and internships to get the chance being offered to him now. She wasn’t going to be the person that held him back from his path in life, not when it was a path he needed to take.

‘And what about the baby?’ Inner Voice would interrupt every once in a while, nagging her that it wasn’t just about her, or Gerard. There was another soon-be-be person who didn’t have a say, didn’t have a choice in their circumstances. She was a daddy’s girl herself – she knew just how important a father’s bond was, and how essential it was to a happy, adjusted childhood. She knew that by not telling Gerard, that by holding the truth from him, she was taking away Gerard’s right to choose if he wanted to be involved. She was taking away the child’s right to have their father involved. The thing was, either way, Lilly would have to deal with bitterness and resentment from another person. Gerard would resent her for destroying his chance of achieving his dream, and her child would resent her if she let Gerard go and live the life he always wanted.

There was the alternative. One flight to England, and a few hundred euros, there wouldn’t be a child to answer to. She had thought about it, over and over, weighing up the pros and cons, questioning her own morals and beliefs, if it was justifiable, it she could actually do it. She was pro choice, and in theory, had no issues or qualms over the idea. Every woman had a right to choose what she put her body through. The reality was a little different than what she imagined, though. At night, when she was lying in bed alone, it would hit her that she wasn’t quite alone. There was another being inside of her. A being that, in a few months, would be able to survive outside of her body and breathe for themselves, a thought that was as terrifying as it was exhilarating. It was fascinating, when she let her mind think about it. She was carrying what wouldbe a human being, and though the responsibility was overwhelming, panic-inducing and scary, it was also a privilege. One she wasn’t sure she was fully ready for but it was been thrown at her anyway, and whether she was ready or not, she was going to be a mother. She had yet to tell a single soul. She knew that once she did, there would be pressure to decide, pressure to deal with it, when she wasn’t ready to yet.

It was a Wednesday when she saw the last of Gerard’s notes. It was left on the coffee table, held in place by an ashtray. Lilly had picked it up with shaking hands, wondering what sweet words Gerard would say with a flair that could rip her out.

Lilly,

I was hoping to see you, but maybe it was for the best. There’s nothing I can say that hasn’t already been said, so I suppose this is goodbye. My flight is leaving at 8 tonight, so I guess our paths won’t cross again. I really wish I could have seen you one last time, so that my last memory of you would be something other than your tear-stained cheeks, and a recriminating look. I fucked up, so much. I wish I could take them back, every mistake and every tear I made you cry. It’s the age old expression ‘you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it's gone’. I really wish I could have changed your mind, that you could’ve seen that I changed these last few weeks. You deserved better than what I gave you, and I truly wish the best for you, Lilly. You are the most amazing person I have ever met, and nobody could ever compare to you. I just hope that one day you can forgive me. Is it strange that, as I’m writing this, I wish you’d walk through the door, with that smile on your face, ready to pack your bags and come with me? I thought leaving New Jersey was hard, but nothing compares to the pain of knowing I’m leaving the one person I love most in this world. I wish I could stay, but if I don’t have you, what’s the point? You were the one thing that held me together, and now you won’t even return my calls. I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for losing you. Some regrets you just have to carry with you.

I love you, Lilly. Maybe I didn’t always show it, maybe I wasn’t great at expressing it, but believe me when I say I did. I always will, I think.

Shock rendered her motionless for what felt like forever. Her hands didn’t shake, her heart didn’t beat, her lungs didn’t inflate and deflate. She stood there, her coat still on, and her keys still in her hands. Then it hit her all at once. Her body trembled, bile was building in her stomach, and her breathing was erratic.

He was gone. He was really gone. Her head was dizzy, the world was spinning, and nothing was real, but the pain filtering into her system.

‘You still have time. You can reach him. Ring him, you idiot.’

For once, Inner Voice was encouraging her. Her hands shook so hard, it was almost impossible to press the onscreen keypad, and when she finally managed to dial his number, she was met with an automated ‘This number is no longer in service’. Then the full panic set in, and she looked at the time on her phone. It was 6.45. It would take her forty five minutes to reach the airport, if traffic wasn’t atrocious. She had no idea if she would reach the airport in time, or how she would contact him, once she was there, but all she knew was that she had to try. She couldn’t let him go, not without a proper goodbye. Now it was all too clear that this wasn’t how things should end. It couldn’t end this way. With the note clutched in her hand, she ran out the door and prayed she could change her mistake.

Notes

This is it guys. One more chapter left. I don't think I'll be heading down the sequel route I'm afraid, for various reasons. I hope you guys stay tuned for the next update and that you enjoyed this chapter.

Also, who thinks she'll catch up with him? Any ideas about how this will end?

Lyra xxx