Chasing the Sun

It was the same routine throughout the months that followed. They went to work, came home, ate dinner, then either lounged in front of the television or Gerard would lock himself away. It was easy and simple. They rarely fought over stupid things like whose turn it was to make dinner and who had left the sitting room in a mess. The bigger issue at hand, the silent elephant in the room that was Gerard’s drinking, was never mentioned. Lilly had tried to bring it up once, when they had had a nice day out at the Zoo and explored Phoenix Park. It had been a cold day, but the sun was still out and the day remained dry. They had enjoyed taking pictures of all the animals they caught a glimpse of, and the overpriced ice cream they had eaten in spite of the low temperature. They had gotten food in an Eddie Rockets, and then found a quiet pub to have a beer or two before going home.

Gerard was barely in the door two seconds before he opened the fridge door and pulled out a can. Lilly couldn’t hide her annoyance, and the normal pleasant mask she wore had slipped for a split second, but it was enough time for Gerard to catch it.

“What?” he asked.

“Do you realise that’s the second six-pack you’ve gone through this week? Not including the drinks you had with the guys Thursday night, and with me tonight?”

“So?”

“It’s a bit much, don’t you think?”

Anger flashed in his eyes, and the fridge door was closed with repressed violence that wanted to slam it to vent his anger.

“Don’t. I drink, because I like it. You nagging about it isn’t going to change it, so how about we leave it at that? We’ve had a nice day, so don’t ruin it by turning into a bitch!”

He stalked out of the kitchen, opening the can with unnecessary ceremony, as though to rub it in Lilly’s face.

“You’re a dick. You can sleep in the spare room tonight, you fucking asshole.”

Lilly didn’t let him respond, or talk his way out of it. She stormed into the room, slamming the door behind her with a loud bang that reverberated throughout the entire apartment. She expected Gerard to eventually calm down and apologise, but when she heard him slip into the spare room a few hours later, she had cried herself to sleep, wondering if she had been foolish to think his drinking would suddenly change.

After that, Lilly hadn’t gained the courage again to bring the subject up. She knew it would be a losing backing battle, and one that she wasn’t quite ready for yet. His drinking was only getting worse, and Lilly had no idea how to make things better. It was now March, and Easter was coming upon them in a couple of weeks. Lilly was looking forward to a bit of time off from work, and Gerard had booked a week off so that they could take a trip to Kerry for a few days.

**

It was Friday night, and Gerard had promised to take her out for dinner. He wanted them to have a date night, which had taken Lilly by surprise. Maybe he could sense Lilly was close to breaking point after the previous weekend, when he had disappeared. He had left for work on Friday, and didn’t return until Sunday morning. Lilly had been beyond furious, especially when it was blindingly obvious that he had taken more than just alcohol. He had reeked of alcohol and weed, and the slight hint of perfume that clung to him had made Lilly’s stomach clench with nausea and a furious kind of jealousy that had knocked her for six when it reached her nostrils. The moment she had seen the state he was in, coupled with the smell, she had reverted into her shell and walked out of the apartment with the kind of calmness that only deep-seated rage and pain could bring out in a person. She had stayed with her sister that night, who knew something was wrong, but had left Lilly alone to her thoughts when it was clear that she wasn’t able to talk about it. She ignored his phone calls and texts, too hurt to handle a conversation. She had gone back Monday after work, deliberating whether she should stay with Fiona for another night, and had been surprised that Gerard was still at home. He had cleaned himself up, but the pale, sickly look wasn’t so easy to get rid of. She had locked herself in the spare room, refusing to speak to him when he planted himself on the other side of the door. She let him grovel from the other side of the door for hours before she was forced to leave the room to use the bathroom. He cornered her when she was coming out, and after an all-out argument, that lasted for hours, he had apologised and reassured her that he hadn’t been with anyone else. He explained the perfume away with a story about one of the guys spraying him with his girlfriend’s perfume after he had spilt beer on his shirt. She believed him, but it didn’t mean she was going to forgive him so easily. He hadn’t touched alcohol during the week, and when he insisted they go out for dinner, it had softened her resolve to not let it go into nothingness.

He had booked dinner for seven thirty. It was now seven, and he still hadn’t come home from work. She couldn’t refrain from clenching her bottom lip between her teeth, the sinking feeling of disappointment settling in her stomach when paranoia niggled at her mind, wondering if Gerard was even going to show up. When it hit seven thirty, anger started seeping into her veins, and without any sort of plan as to what she wanted to say, she picked up her phone and dialled his number. She let it ring out, accepting that Gerard would not be showing up. She changed out of her dress, took off her make-up and went to bed, lying on top of the covers and staring at the ceiling.

A part of her wanted to scream and shout, vent her anger somehow, so that she could exorcise the hate that clawed inside her. It wanted to break things – Gerard’s things. She wanted to do something that would hurt him. She wanted to find a way to give him a taste of his own medicine. It longed to find a way to make him feel the pain and anguish he was putting her through every time he let her down and made her feel like shit once again. The other part of her just wanted to stay where she was, lying on the bed in silence without moving an inch. It felt broken, betrayed, and yet somehow apathetic at the same time. Perhaps she deserved this. Maybe there was something about her that just cried out to be tossed aside at a moment’s notice, and begged to be treated like a toy that was played with when it suited Gerard’s mood. Maybe she should have been thankful to have Gerard at all, even if he forgot about her and her feelings whenever something better came along. Maybe she should have just accepted that she would always be second best to alcohol and partying, and learn to live with it.

‘ Sure, bury your head under the sand. See how happy that’ll make you in a few years. What about children? You really want to raise a child with a man who can’t even show up for a dinner he suggested?’

Inner Voice’s tone was cruel, harsh, and it broke that dam inside her that tried to separate what she wanted to believe and what she knew was true in her heart.

There was no future with Gerard, and it was time to accept it.

***

He came back Saturday, earlier than Lilly had expected. He stumbled through the door, his clothes askew,and his eyes bloodshot and painful-looking. Lilly didn’t feel a flutter of pleasure when she saw him for the first time in days; she didn’t feel giddy and happy that he was home. All she could feel was disappointment and pain that this was a cycle her life had become trapped in, and she wasn’t sure how much longer she could endure it.

‘There’s only one way this is going to end – the sooner you realise that, the sooner you can move on. We both know this isn’t going to work.’

Inner Voice was gentle, not her normal shrill self. It was the tone she used when she knew Lilly was already aware of the truth. Lilly couldn’t stand by and let her life deteriorate along with Gerard’s. She wanted to help him.She wanted to be enough, but it seemed as though her love wasn’t enough to save Gerard from the path he was going down. He wanted to lose himself in drink, and it was a road Lilly refused to go down with him. She had seen the effects of alcoholism, and how it could tear the people watching from the sidelines apart, and she wasn’t going to be one of those people who hoped and prayed for a miraculous change.

“Hey, baby,” he grinned, his words slurred and the stench of alcohol infecting the apartment.

“Go sleep it off. We can talk when you’re sober.”

The smile was wiped off Gerard’s face, and even through his alcohol addled brain, he sensed something was off. He knew this wasn’t Lilly’s normal anger whenever he fucked up. Her body wasn’t rigid with anger, her eyes weren’t narrow slits that would kill if looks had the ability. There was something so resigned about her body language. It was the way she was resting her back against the couch, so still and almost apathetic that he was back. Her eyes weren’t flared with anger, her lips not worried between her teeth as she often did when holding back her desire to scream and shout at him. Her lack of obvious anger set off alarm signals in Gerard’s mind, and even through the haze, he knew this wasn’t a minor fuck up that would be settled after an argument and make up sex. He had done major damage this time, and the thought made him sweat that this wasn’t going to go away easily.

“I-“

“Go get some sleep, Gerard,” Lilly cut across him quickly, not in the mood to listen to apologies and excuses, “we’ll talk later,” she repeated.

He closed his mouth, accepting that, for the moment, all he could do was sleep it off and explain his actions when his head was in better shape.

Notes

So, I had an ending for this that would lead to a sequel. There doesn't seem to be to much demand for it, so I don't think that'll be happening so I think the ending may change to give it a more definite end. After this there are three left, so hold on to your hats!

Lyra