3 : 28

3: 28
Frerard

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Gerard watches patiently as Frank ash his cigarette and pass one to Gerard inside his home. Gerard took the cigarette and lit it without a second thought, his throat hurt, chest still recovering but he wanted to feel what Frank felt—the burning sensation of smoke inhalation—toxic, suffocating and addictive. That’s what Frank was for Gerard and the more he observed Frank, the more he realized how similar the cigarette and Frank were, the only difference was Frank left him.

“… Do you want me to leave?” Gerard asked quietly, testing his words carefully.

Frank’s eyes met his own and it froze Gerard as bit his bottom lip, “Why did you come here, Gerard?”

The way Frank said his name made Gerard’s heart ache, the memories it brought back made it even more difficult for Gerard to not breakdown in front of the man. Gerard wanted to confess how much he truly missed him, but forced his thoughts to stop.

“… I needed to know if you were real…” Gerard whispered softly, “… I need to know if we still have something. That I didn’t imagine it all…”

Frank kept staring directly at him, Gerard mentally fatigued and his heart terrified to know Frank’s answer. What were Frank’s thoughts, if he still wanted Gerard or if he ever truly did want Gerard?

“Gerard…” Frank repeated his name, it made Gerard shiver.

“Did you…” Gerard took one last hit of his cigarette then put it out in the ashtray. Frank moving closer as Gerard struggled to get the courage to finish his question. “Did you really mean it when you said you loved me?”

Frank’s arm reached out and his hand ghostly touching Gerard’s cheek, Gerard’s breath caught in his throat. Everything in Gerard stiffened as Frank finally cusped his cheek gently, learning in closer and now Gerard shivered in confused anticipation.

“I’m sorry, Gerard.” Frank worded his answer carefully, Gerard could tell as his lip quivered at the end of saying his name. Did it hurt him that much to say his name? Did he regret being with Gerard?

“Why?” Gerard mouthed back before his lips were covered by Frank’s.

It was suffocating as Gerard struggled to understand what was going on. Why Frank felt the need to physically kiss Gerard? Gerard had so many questions running through his mind, but they became silent as the feverish touch of Frank’s familiar lips being on his, meshing perfectly together as Gerard remembered them. They were chapped but just as soft as he remembered, both of Frank’s hands holding Gerard’s face in place as he kissed him deeply, tongue not asking for permission to violate Gerard’s mouth and Gerard never put any willpower to stop Frank’s assault on him. Gerard relished in the physical advancement, because it was the closest answer he’d get from Frank, because the man was never good with words.

This was what Gerard came here for, Frank knew that and Gerard knew deep down he needed this. No words—just touch—Gerard was desperate for it and he wrapped his arms around Frank’s torso, he had gained weight back, must have been from another blood infection. Frank always suffered from that and perhaps that’s why Frank related so deeply with Gerard… perhaps it was one of the few reasons Frank even bothered to love Gerard—they suffered from shitty genes.

In Gerard’s weak hold, he felt himself collapsing inside—he wanted to feel like he could get lost in Frank’s smaller frame that he could become nothing and this bliss be forever instead of temporary. But that was an obvious lie that Gerard’s heart told his head every day, that once he finally see Frank, they’d reunite and all would be well—that was a lie.

Every space their lips made, Frank advanced twice as viciously in savage kisses—his teeth biting Gerard’s lips causing Gerard’s swollen lips to bleed, the metallic taste didn’t matter to either of them, Gerard could no longer hold back the tears that he held back since arriving to Frank’s doorstep. They slipped out, and Gerard cursed himself mentally as they fell down in hot wetness from anguish, love, regret, pain, loneliness… so many reasons Gerard was crying for but it was mostly due to Frank. Frank was the root to all of it, to Gerard’s emotional state and Frank was well aware of that the moment he told him that he loved him.

They separated momentarily, Frank’s cigarette reeked fingers feeling the wetness of Gerard’s tears, when Gerard opened his eyes he could see passed the blurriness to Frank’s pained face.

Was this Frank’s goodbye? What reason would Frank make such a face to Gerard?

“I love you,” Frank mouthed out and it broke Gerard’s heart a lot more than he imagined.

Three little words, but it was the person saying them. It was Frank, and Frank knew how to destroy Gerard from the inside out.

Gerard buried his face in the crook of Frank’s neck, inhaling his scent, imprinting in his mind that perhaps this will be the closest he’d get to an answer from the man that he so desperately loved.

“I love you too.” Gerard murmured between the tears and hitched breaths.

They pulled apart as Frank held Gerard’s face firmly, “Go home and forget about me.”

“You know I can’t.” Gerard murmured, holding Frank’s right hand shakily.

Frank looked away, “Go home, Gerard.”

They parted and Gerard held onto Frank’s hand as long as he could before letting go and leaving the house. He walked half way down the block before everything hit him so hard he only saw black and white dots in his vision.

He broke down in the middle of the sidewalk, unable to find beauty in the sun rising as it only reminded him that the light in his life was back at that red house.

“I love you too… I love you too…” Gerard kept repeating in hopes it could stop his whole world from crashing down around him.

Gerard loved lying to himself, because Frank’s lips tasted better as a lie than the harsh truth of his insurmountable loneliness of the cut that stung his bottom lip.

- 10

Notes

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