I'll Mess Up Everything!

Waiting. 
Waiting. 
Waiting. 

That seems to be the only thing I've been doing today. My visit with Mikey was... Emotional. I don't want to think about it, about what he's going to have to face soon. I don't know how Gerard is still pulling through this so well, he's taking it hard, I can tell, but it must be one of the most difficult things he has been through in his life. But here we are, well Billie and I, sat in the waiting room awaiting the dreadful news. 
"If you may, we're putting Michael in his induced coma, you may be able to say your last goodbyes." the nurse said to us, she didn't sugar coat it, as if she normally tells this news to people, so often that she herself has forgotten the emotion and feeling behind it. I don't blame her, really. I get up and make my way gloomily back the way I went earlier to his room. 
"You coming Billie?" I asked behind me. He looked at me through tear- stained eyes. 
"No, I- I can't- I said my goodbyes earlier. It's only proper that you go in there, you're family." 
I went to retaliate, but with a sniff and a shuffleing the opposite direction, Billie was making his way towards the exit already. There has to be more to this than what I know; there's something going on. Thoughts aside for that subject, I found myself in Mikey's room once more, but this time with an exhausted and Ill-looking Gerard and a worried and pale-faced mother stood beside him on the opposite side of the bed to where I was. I looked at Gerard, as if I could comfort him, but even I know that there is nothing I can do to bring some form of relief for this tragic and sickening moment. The doctor swiftly made his way beside me, inaudible and eerily cheerful, as if to brighten the mood. I already don't like him. 

"Well, since we're all here, are we ready for this?" he asked in a rather hurried and uncaring voice, as if he has better things on his mind like what he's having for dinner tonight or what film he would put on later. 
"Yes" came a raspy and frightened voice from the bed and another two 'Yes's' from Gerard and Mrs Way, rather reluctantly and in a half-whispering manner. I took a deep breath in and waited for the inevitable.
"Right, Michael you must take this drug, it's called propofol and it will allow you to go into a deep-unconscious state which will allow your body to recover but you will not feel any pain. The time that you will be under is uncertain as of yet, but don't panic, you're in good hands and we will treat you with the utmost respect." the doctor confirmed. I watched the little see-through tub that contained the drug I side of it as if i could just make it go away and everything will be okay. But this is the right path for Mikey. The one of which he will recover and he will feel better. Mikey took the tub gingerly and looked inside.
He shook his head slightly and quickly downed the drug in one. Gerard gave out a rather loud gasp from the back of his throat, yet tried to pass it off as a cough, I don't want to imagine how hard it is to watch our baby brother or son have to go into such a state, but this probably what it was like for Gerard when he also had to go through this with me, and i feel terrible for that. I bring him so much sadness all the time, no matter what I do. 
"Ladie and Gentlemen, would you please now exit the room as my staff have to bring in some of their equipment. By the time you come back, Michael will be unconscious so please be aware of that. The visiting hours are available on a card at the reception outside if you want to make yourself aware of that but for now, we must get to work." 
Mikey already looked worn out, it truley was a heartbreaking scene.
Silently, we made our way outside and without another word, we all went our separate ways, as if we were lost or in a daze. I cant believe he's gone. Our poor Mikey is gone and there's no way to talk to him and it's all my fault. It doesn't matter what people say about who's fault it is, I know in my heart that it is mine and it's due to my own selfish needs. 
"I'm sorry," I whisper to myself as tears fall freely down my cheek. 

A few minutes later, I find myself outside, leaning against a rather large brick wall that stood dominantly outside the hospital, what a sight i must look. The day was gorgeous, if nothing had happened, we would all be sat outside on the porch, joking, laughing, the normal stuff normal couples and friends would do on a sunny day. Not us. Not ever us, we were never normal in any way. Fuck that. 
As I wallow in my own pitty and yearning, I spot a familiar face across the street. 
"Hey, is that you Frank?!" shouted the girl. Lindsey. 
"Oh, hey Lindsey. What's up?"
"I should be asking you that, what's up with you, you look like you're at deaths door!" the humor in her voice, although unintended, stung like a bee. 
"Mikey- he- he was in a car crash- he's just been put into an induced coma." 
Her features dropped in a second as she thumbed around and moved her lips in an attempt to form words. 
"oh- fuck I Erh- I'm so sorry Frank. How's Gerard?"
 "He's, well, not doing great. It's the worst I've ever seen him." she did not reply to that comment. 
"So, what are you here for?" I asked, raising my voice above the awkward mourning. 
"Oh I'm just having some tests done, just to check something. You know, I have a daughter now!" she said with a little bit more cheer. I smiled at her.
"Oh, congratulations!"
"Yeah, she's called Bandit and she's the cutest thing I've ever been blessed with." she stared lovingly into the distance. I wish Gerard and I could be blessed with a child, I guess it can't happen naturally, but adoption or carrier is always an option. Lindsey seemed to remember something and shuffled on her toes. 
"Right, I'm going to be late, but I really do hope that things get better. I'm so sorry to hear that news so suddenly." she sounded genuine, she really isn't such a bad person, she's really nice actually. 
"Yes, thanks for your consideration, hope all goes well with you!" I called back at her as she glided away from me, rather elegantly must I add. 

Sadness hit me again like a truck as reality came back home and I retured to my almost black sheet of darkness that has been cast over me. I sigh loudly and make my way back into the hospital and all the pain and misery. People in wheelchairs, people crying, people plastering a fake smile across their face all with the occasional doctor or nurse that looked as if they were on another planet, smiling and cheerful, I don't know how they do it, but I guess it's their job to stay happy for other people. And by the way things are going now, I think I'm going to have to do the same thing, not for myself, but for Gerard and everyone else. These next few months are going to be the worst. 

Notes

This is sad and I'm very sorry, please don't kill me.
I may take a while uploading this week as I have an exam EVERY DAY like wtf, I don't need this. Fuck, oh well. They've gone okay so far, just two more weeks to go and I'm out of that shit-tip *cheering*