Fight, My Love

*POV Gerard*

I remember hearing my mom knock and tell me she had call the school to inform them I won't be coming today. When wanting to say thank you, I had just sobbed on and an awkward gasp escaped from me sounding somehow thankful. I had found her beautiful since the first time I had seen her. Sitting curled up on the corner of my bed, my crying had calmed a bit and I was now gasping for all the air I had wasted while crying for probably, hours. I checked the time, 12.00 pm. I had gotten up at 8.00, I had been in my room since about 8.30. I got up, shaking. I walked to my bathroom and looked at myself. I looked like a wreck, I had bloodshot eyes from crying and my eyeliner had run all over my face. It was smeared since at the beginning I tried to resist the tears and thought it would stop soon, so I just wiped my tears. My hands were shaking while I pushed my hands through my hair. I pulled out my sleeping pills, and was about to take... some, until my mom knocked and asked if she could come in. I quickly put them back and walked back into my room while answering my mom. My voice sounded irregularly high and raspy, I said she could come in. She was holding a phone and said, "Gerard, I know this might not be time, but um, Mrs. Jackson wants to talk to you" Kayla's mom had called to talk to me. Oh god. I had cleared my throat and just kind of nodded. My mom walked over and kissed me on my forehead, handed me the phone, and walked away, closing the door quietly. I heard Kayla's mom speak, at first my mind didn't register any words. I was still thinking of Kayla and how I had fallen in love with her more and more throughout the year and especially the past few weeks. I said, "I'm sorry for your loss, and sorry could you repeat that, I was just thinking of something else."My voice sounded like it was someone else's, it didn't seem like mine at all. Raspy, but surprisingly loud and confident. She had sighed so quietly if I told myself she hadn't, I'd probably believe it. "Hello Gerard. I hear you and Kayla were assigned a project together and had become quite close lately. I hear you've already seen or heard the news. She had one too many anxiety pills, and I didn't realize until very late last night. I thought she was asleep. I'm so so sorry, Gerard" she said it calm, but also as if she thought it was her fault, and with the last few sentences her voice broke and I could hear a silent cry on the other side of the line. She had soon recovered as though it had never happened and continued, "She wrote about you, in her diaries. A lot actually. I was cleaning up her room and couldn't resist reading them. I feel like you should have them. Or at least read them, I know it's wrong to invade her privacy like this, but I feel she'd want you to have them." I smiled, even though nobody saw. I answered, "Thank you, I'd love to see them sometime. When is a good time to maybe pick them up. I think we both, um, you still need some time to recover from this. You sound awfully tired." She had agreed, and we agreed on that I could pick them up in the weekend. The next day I went to school, I was still very upset, but I decided to get up and try to stop mourning because it's not like she was going to come back. When I got to school I said I was so sorry to Thomas, her boyfriend. He asked me what the hell I was talking about and I felt my cheeks turn red. I whispered, in a raspy tone, "you don't know?" I was shocked, had her mom not called him? Or his mom? Maybe his mom just knew it'd be too much to handle. He looked at me like I was some freak and roughly pulled me away from his friends. "Dude what the hell is your problem?!" I don't know how I could do it, but I didn't stutter, my voice was loud and clear, "I don't have a problem. Do you know how your girlfriend is?" He was about to say something but I cut him off and quickly continued, "Your girlfriend is dead. She committed suicide a few days ago. She isn't sick, she's dead." He stared at me, then at his shoes, then at his hands, which were shaking heavily. He cried for a while, I mean I was expecting him not to believe me and punch me. But after he had called down he told me they got into a fight a few days ago. It got to a point he was very irritated and out of stupidity had told her to kill herself. He didn't mean it, I understand that, when you get angry, sometimes you say irrational things you don't mean. And sometimes the other person listens. After he told me this I put my hand on his shoulder, and he started shaking uncontrollably and cried for at least 5 minutes. When he stopped, he wiped his tears and pretended it had never happened. He looked me in the eye and told me, "dude, I didn't know she would listen. I'm so sorry. She had talked about you a lot lately, you know. That's why I thought she was going to break it off soon, I couldn't handle that, so I ended it, I, I'm going to miss her so fucking much. Thanks for telling me." I just kind of nodded. We went our separate ways when we went to class. In the weekend I had calmed down, not completely, but I wasn't a complete wreck like the day I had found out. I had called in sick for the rest of the week (with my parents approval) and focused on my music. I write music, I sing music. My brother, Mikey had been gone most of this year because he had gone to military boarding school. We write each other a lot and he comes home any chance he has. We have a good bond, so when he heard I broke down he booked a flight immediately and came home to check on me. He took care of me, we went out together, he brought me gifts. He didn't understand my story, but he listened and seemed sincere in his concern. That weekend I had promised to come pick up Kayla's diaries that her mom had found. She lived only a few blocks away but I didn't feel stable walking so drove anyway. It'd be easier to carry them back anyway. When I got there Mrs.Jackson greeted me warmly, she brought me some tea, and the diaries. There were 4, I personally never even keep track of a diary for longer than a week, and that's one. I admire her for being so consistent in writing in hers. Her mom told me why she had so many different ones, one was for her general day, one was for interesting things that happened in class, one was for her love life, and one was her record of depression (days clean, who knew and if she ever talked to them about it, how her rehab was, things like that). I was in all of them. Her mom told me she had different diaries every year and burns them in a big bonfire on New Years. I told her I think that's a great idea, thanked her, and left. When I was at home I read them one by one, slowly, as to take in every word printed on every page.

Notes

HELLO !!

I'm sorry I haven't updated in such a long time, I've been really busy !!
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frerardxx