Fight, My Love

*POV Gerard*

I had been in love once before. The thing is, I had lost her before I even got her. Let me explain, I was in love a few years ago, in 10th grade. I know many of you will say I was too young to know what love is, but I really was. She had a boyfriend so I could never really talk to her without being scared her boyfriend would be out to hurt me. He was very buff and a year older. Still, I found times I could talk to her. I felt like she thought I was weird sometimes, but in spring we were assigned a project together, and we got along very well. We laughed and shared thoughts, almost always agreeing with each other. She was amazing, listened, gave good ideas, but there always seemed to be a sad shadow hovering over her. But when she laughed, I mean actual sincere laughter, she would shake that shadow, oh my. She opened any uncomfortable gaps in the conversation and it filled me with warmth. While she laughed, her long, curly blond locks bounced on her back, and her emerald green eyes shone like diamonds. That is how everyone saw her. Happy and beautiful. I saw her like that too, but I could see through that at times, the consuming, gaping hole of sadness. When she stayed after school, alone, in the back of the library. She sat silently, staring out the window with an almost desperate gaze, as if she was longing for someone or something that she knew she couldn't have. I thought that was when she was most beautiful. Even though she was sad, she was herself, it was real; and that is what I find beautiful. We had started talking more and more. After our project had started, I had come to her house a few times, and vice versa. Also at school I talked to her more, whether it was a short greeting in the halls, talking about the project in class, or individual discussions after school. I had stayed late since the first day of school, and she started staying late in early winter. I hadn't noticed her at first, I didn't really mind her. She was simply a pretty, popular girl. Once I realized everyone has another layer under their appearance, I started looking at everyone differently. With her I noticed that gaze, the sadness. After I noticed she started staying and she was very different than what I thought at first, I started paying a bit more attention to her and noticed that wasn't all she was. She wasn't pretty, she was beautiful. She wasn't just popular, she was the most popular in this entire high school. Most conversations I heard in the halls were somehow related to her. I could never reach her, but I loved her. I had talked to her a few times, but started talking more frequently when I was assigned the project, and well, when I realized I actually really liked her. Her dimples and small creases by her eyes seemed more beautiful, her blond locks shone gold in the sunlight, I loved her. After about 3 months, I approached her more often, we talked a lot after school. When nobody was around. We would laugh together, tell each other stories. She starting trusting me with stories of her boyfriend and her family. She told me her boyfriend had been treating her very badly lately, we talked about her relationship a lot. I was curious since I would definitely ask her out if she broke up with him, or the other way around. But I don't think anybody could let someone like her go. Another month or so into our friendship, I really started to feel I could trust her, and so did she. I found out why it seemed as if sadness was always looming over her. It was because she was depressed. She had been for 3 years now. It came like such a shock to me to hear it, but even though I felt tears welling up, I know I just looked at her with a hard look and said, "you're going to get through this. I promise you, I'll be here for you. Whenever, no matter what time or day it is" that's when I broke my gaze and looked around the room wildly, I broke. I felt tears rush down my cheeks, then returned my look to her and continued, "and I know it shouldn't be this way, because you have someone, but Kayla, I.... I love you." She had wiped my tears and told me to worry so much. Then she said thank you and smiled, not answering my confession. One day when we were in the library, she told me she wondered what death felt like. I was a little worried since she seemed sadder lately, and I knew about her depression. The way she asked the question, it was so, curious. We had talked about family or people we knew that had died, but never about ourselves. I had said I wouldn't know, and we kept talking about something else. She introduced me to different music, cigarettes, and alcohol; she was so different than what I first thought, even better. Much better. We had lots of fun together, she was different around me, at this point, she really trusted me. She had called in sick at school the past 2 days. When I realized I started missing her, I had decided that if she was still sick the next day I would bring her some flowers and comics. Right after school I saw her boyfriend messing with some other girl, and one of his friends calling out, "moving on so soon, Thomas?" while laughing. Kayla had told me her relationship had been a bit rocky lately, apparently Thomas had broken up with her. The next morning I saw my dad reading the newspaper, and the front page caught my eye. I grabbed it as quickly as I had seen it, it really was what I thought it was. My father grinned and just kind of looked at me wondering why I had snatched his newspaper. He didn't really mind though, he just kept eating his oatmeal. My mom asked me if I was okay, but I hardly heard. My ears felt like they were plugged. I couldn't think straight. It was her. It was a beautiful picture of her smiling in a garden, right next to the caption, "16 year old overdoses on pills, R.I.P." I then ran to my room and told myself the one thing that made everything worse: it was my fault. I had let her get to this point, even though she told me about general things related to death. I could have stopped her, I, I, oh my god. One of the questions she had asked me, was if I were ever to commit suicide, how I do it. I had said overdose on my depression pills. She knew about my depression too, she told me things so often I started believing them. Just like what the bullies had done, I was beaten up at my previous school, followed home to then have guys throw rocks at me, even online. Everything got so out of hand, I found I grew depressed, sinking deeper and feeling worse every day. My parents had one day decided to move, I needed a new start. I was too stupid to realize anything was wrong with Kayla, I was too late putting all the obvious things together, it's my fault. With this memory I felt my first tear rolling down my cheek, then tears came out like a flood. So many memories passed through my mind in a flash, this continued for at least an hour and the only reason I stopped was to gasp for air. Even then my thoughts and tears kept coming.

Notes

I hope this story turns out the way I want it to... :))

I've recently started watching Buffy so I'm basically always occupied with Netflix and homework. but I'm making more time available for writing :)

anyway, if you like this story, subscribe, rate, and leave a comment down below :-)

much love,
frerardxx