Drums Of The City Rain
Chapter 4
TW// eating disorder, calories, weight, slight self harm
Right there I burst into tears, I wasn’t angry at my brother, I knew what it was like, I guess I was angry at the world, how dare they do this to him? I wanted to hug him but I left him what I now realized was purging. I sat for a moment before cautiously picking up the pack of pills. Laxatives. Oh crap. Tossing them aside, I reached for the little notepad that appeared to be some kind of diary. I opened it to the first page with trembling fingers and although tears blurred my vision I could make out ‘March 22nd, net cals: 905, current weight: 104lb, goal weight: 90lb’. I flicked through pages and pages until I reached yesterday’s date. ‘June 9th, net cals: 211, current weight: 92lb, goal weight: 85lb’. Shit this was bad. I let out a quiet wail my tears splattering the page, how could I have been so blind? I heard the bathroom door open and froze. “Yo Gee” I heard Mikey call nonchalantly having heard me in his room. I didn’t reply, astonished by how casual he sounded. I felt the door open behind me, bumping into my back and heard my brother gasp. He stood in the doorway, white as sheet with silent tears streaming down his face as I turned to look at him. “Mikey, come here” I murmured trying to sound comforting, wrapping my arms around his suddenly noticeably skeletal figure. He wriggled free of my grip and dived under his duvet. “Please, Mikey, its okay” I whispered at the quivering lump on the bed, getting no response. “You can talk to me”. Still nothing. Out of nowhere a bolt of frustration took me over. “Suit yourself” I muttered and stormed out slamming the door behind me.
As soon as my body hit my own mattress I was hit with a wave of regret. God, I had fucked up, how could I be so stupid, Mikey needed me. I listened to my music, trying to make sense of things, I needed to talk to my brother but I think I needed to let things settle a little more.
About an hour later, I headed downstairs and made myself a cup of coffee, coffee helps any situation. I made a cup for Mikey too, hoping it’d ease things between us a little. Downing mine I made my way back upstairs. My brother’s door was shut, I knocked gently and got no response. Slowly I pushed the door open, everything that had been left across the floor was now back in its drawer, almost like this evening had never happened. I looked at Mikey facing the other way, in fetal position fast asleep and didn’t want to wake him, a little part of me secretly glad I had obtained an extra cup of coffee. I stood sipping the warm drink before having an idea. Grabbing my sketchpad from next door, I ripped out a page and scribbled a note adding a little doodle of him as a comic book character, with a cape and the makeup I had done on him the other week, in the corner.
Hey Mikey,
How are you? I was gonna bring you a cup of coffee but I see you’ve fallen asleep.
I hope you know I’m not angry at you, I care for you and I’m here for you. You can talk to me.
It’s gonna be okay.
Love,
Gee <3
I crept back into his room walking round to the other side of his bed and placed the note on his pillow. His arm was poking out from under the sheets and I noted the dark red lines dancing round his wrist. How hadn’t I noticed this before? “Night Mikey” I whispered, softly squeezing his hand.
***
The next morning was better than I had expected. It had that kinda comforting relieved feel to it once everything was out in the open. Mikey came in and sat on my bed like he did most mornings until our parents woke up (I’d heard them arrive back at about 1am so I guessed they’d be sleeping in, giving us the morning to ourselves). We chatted for a while about bands and comics before I got up to go and get some coffee.
“Wait Gee?” Mikey called as I opened my door. “I’m sorry” he mumbled. I knew exactly what he was on about. “No, you have nothing to be sorry for! Don’t feel bad please, you’re struggling and you need so much more support than you’re getting but you can’t help that” I pointed out. “I know it’s just i- um i- idk” he trailed off. “What? You can talk to me bro” I murmured, walking back over to the bed and crouching in front of him. “I- I don’t know how to go on like this, I c- can’t deal with this” he stammered. “Yes you can, it’s okay, it will be okay” I exclaimed “Do you know what’s up exactly?”. “Kinda, I- I-” he started, I nodded encouragingly. “I just really really h-hate this. I’m scared of everything, I’m gonna be stuck in this shitty house forever, with parents who hate me, I have no education, I’m never gonna be good at anything, I have no control over anything, everything’s just so shit and I can’t take any more of it” he ranted, tearing up. I hugged him repeating “it’s okay, it’s all gonna be okay” under my breath in his ear.
He pulled back and looked at the floor, “Mikey, I’ll sort everything out okay, but I need you to do something for me” I said. He looked up questioningly. “Can you um give me your blades and um-” I didn’t finish my sentence but Mikey took my hand and led me into his room, surprisingly not too reluctantly. He opened his drawer and I gulped when I saw what I had seen the previous night. He placed the blades in my hand and I noticed he was shaking slightly. “And the other stuff” I said firmly. He reluctantly handed me the pad and pills. “And the scales” I motioned. He shook his head. “Mikey please” I pleaded. He looked away. “Let me help you please” I begged. He sighed and reluctantly passed them to me. We went back into my room and I put the paraphernalia in my drawer. “If you wanna, you know, you gotta come find me okay?” I told him. He nodded, looking worried. “Now how about that coffee I was getting” I smiled.
Throughout the day I thought over what had happened. Mikey was right. We couldn’t go on like this. I had told him I’d sort everything out but how? We needed something to change and fast but what?
Right there I burst into tears, I wasn’t angry at my brother, I knew what it was like, I guess I was angry at the world, how dare they do this to him? I wanted to hug him but I left him what I now realized was purging. I sat for a moment before cautiously picking up the pack of pills. Laxatives. Oh crap. Tossing them aside, I reached for the little notepad that appeared to be some kind of diary. I opened it to the first page with trembling fingers and although tears blurred my vision I could make out ‘March 22nd, net cals: 905, current weight: 104lb, goal weight: 90lb’. I flicked through pages and pages until I reached yesterday’s date. ‘June 9th, net cals: 211, current weight: 92lb, goal weight: 85lb’. Shit this was bad. I let out a quiet wail my tears splattering the page, how could I have been so blind? I heard the bathroom door open and froze. “Yo Gee” I heard Mikey call nonchalantly having heard me in his room. I didn’t reply, astonished by how casual he sounded. I felt the door open behind me, bumping into my back and heard my brother gasp. He stood in the doorway, white as sheet with silent tears streaming down his face as I turned to look at him. “Mikey, come here” I murmured trying to sound comforting, wrapping my arms around his suddenly noticeably skeletal figure. He wriggled free of my grip and dived under his duvet. “Please, Mikey, its okay” I whispered at the quivering lump on the bed, getting no response. “You can talk to me”. Still nothing. Out of nowhere a bolt of frustration took me over. “Suit yourself” I muttered and stormed out slamming the door behind me.
As soon as my body hit my own mattress I was hit with a wave of regret. God, I had fucked up, how could I be so stupid, Mikey needed me. I listened to my music, trying to make sense of things, I needed to talk to my brother but I think I needed to let things settle a little more.
About an hour later, I headed downstairs and made myself a cup of coffee, coffee helps any situation. I made a cup for Mikey too, hoping it’d ease things between us a little. Downing mine I made my way back upstairs. My brother’s door was shut, I knocked gently and got no response. Slowly I pushed the door open, everything that had been left across the floor was now back in its drawer, almost like this evening had never happened. I looked at Mikey facing the other way, in fetal position fast asleep and didn’t want to wake him, a little part of me secretly glad I had obtained an extra cup of coffee. I stood sipping the warm drink before having an idea. Grabbing my sketchpad from next door, I ripped out a page and scribbled a note adding a little doodle of him as a comic book character, with a cape and the makeup I had done on him the other week, in the corner.
Hey Mikey,
How are you? I was gonna bring you a cup of coffee but I see you’ve fallen asleep.
I hope you know I’m not angry at you, I care for you and I’m here for you. You can talk to me.
It’s gonna be okay.
Love,
Gee <3
I crept back into his room walking round to the other side of his bed and placed the note on his pillow. His arm was poking out from under the sheets and I noted the dark red lines dancing round his wrist. How hadn’t I noticed this before? “Night Mikey” I whispered, softly squeezing his hand.
***
The next morning was better than I had expected. It had that kinda comforting relieved feel to it once everything was out in the open. Mikey came in and sat on my bed like he did most mornings until our parents woke up (I’d heard them arrive back at about 1am so I guessed they’d be sleeping in, giving us the morning to ourselves). We chatted for a while about bands and comics before I got up to go and get some coffee.
“Wait Gee?” Mikey called as I opened my door. “I’m sorry” he mumbled. I knew exactly what he was on about. “No, you have nothing to be sorry for! Don’t feel bad please, you’re struggling and you need so much more support than you’re getting but you can’t help that” I pointed out. “I know it’s just i- um i- idk” he trailed off. “What? You can talk to me bro” I murmured, walking back over to the bed and crouching in front of him. “I- I don’t know how to go on like this, I c- can’t deal with this” he stammered. “Yes you can, it’s okay, it will be okay” I exclaimed “Do you know what’s up exactly?”. “Kinda, I- I-” he started, I nodded encouragingly. “I just really really h-hate this. I’m scared of everything, I’m gonna be stuck in this shitty house forever, with parents who hate me, I have no education, I’m never gonna be good at anything, I have no control over anything, everything’s just so shit and I can’t take any more of it” he ranted, tearing up. I hugged him repeating “it’s okay, it’s all gonna be okay” under my breath in his ear.
He pulled back and looked at the floor, “Mikey, I’ll sort everything out okay, but I need you to do something for me” I said. He looked up questioningly. “Can you um give me your blades and um-” I didn’t finish my sentence but Mikey took my hand and led me into his room, surprisingly not too reluctantly. He opened his drawer and I gulped when I saw what I had seen the previous night. He placed the blades in my hand and I noticed he was shaking slightly. “And the other stuff” I said firmly. He reluctantly handed me the pad and pills. “And the scales” I motioned. He shook his head. “Mikey please” I pleaded. He looked away. “Let me help you please” I begged. He sighed and reluctantly passed them to me. We went back into my room and I put the paraphernalia in my drawer. “If you wanna, you know, you gotta come find me okay?” I told him. He nodded, looking worried. “Now how about that coffee I was getting” I smiled.
Throughout the day I thought over what had happened. Mikey was right. We couldn’t go on like this. I had told him I’d sort everything out but how? We needed something to change and fast but what?
Notes
lol soz :)
Also i logged into my insta again after like 15years so if u wanna give me a follow its @snailthesaints
Megan x
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Please come back to this
2/19/16