Drums Of The City Rain
Chapter 3
TW// abuse, vomiting/purging, eating disorder, blades
I was sat at the dinner table, Mikey beside me, moving his food around the plate nervously. “Not eating boy?” my father piped up “Something wrong with our cooking?”. Mikey shook his head quickly. “You’re normally a greedy little shit Michael, oh well at least this way you won’t get any fatter, unlike your brother” he spat, glaring at me. Normally, I wouldn’t talk back to him but this time was different. “How fucking dare you. Mikey is the definition of perfect and I hope he knows that, I refuse to let scum like you take that away from him, you lowlife piece of shit! And I swear if you lay another finger on him I will use your eyeballs as a pin cushion!” I yelled almost tasting the venom fuelling my words. He paused for a moment taken aback by my outburst, “Just kill yourselves, the both of you” he said weakly. I looked round the table, Mikey sat in shock before tearing up, my mother stared at me I smiled, almost laughed at the anger in her eyes and then-
My eyes fluttered open and I immediately regretted it, the dim light was crashing down on me, the room was spinning, promptly causing me to shut my eyes again. Slowly I became aware of my head throbbing and a heavy ache on my cheekbone. I cautiously opened my eyes again, the light seeming blinding. I stared up at the ceiling for a moment somehow becoming lost in the chips in the paint as everything began to focus slightly. I instinctively reached for my cheek, right where it hurt and winced as my fingers touched it. The room turned upside down as I sat up and leant against the wall next to me, steadying myself. I looked around, I was in the living room, according to the battery powered digital clock on my fathers desk it was 8:15pm, everyone’s food still on the table right next to me half eaten. I thought back to dinner and suddenly I remembered what my father had said and my mums fist… knocking me out? Wow, she’s incredibly thin and only 5’2, last time she tried that 2 years ago I accidentally put her in hospital. I realised the house was silent apart from gentle footsteps I recognised as Mikey’s, my parents must have gone out. They did that a lot, coming staggering back in at 2am.
Mikey. Shit. Was he ok? I remembered his scared face and what my father had said and knew I had to go comfort him. As I stumbled my way onto my feet I heard him go into the bathroom. I slowly climbed the stairs, praying I’d make it to the top without passing out again. As I edged closer I could hear odd noises coming from the bathroom. I think my brother was throwing up, but something wasn’t right at all. I made it to the landing and pressed my ear against the door. It was now obvious he was puking but he was gagging and choking as if he couldn’t breathe, not the normal sounds you make when you throw up. I wanted to go in but he hated people seeing him being sick. Suddenly I realised, maybe he was having an asthma attack as he puked. My stomach turned at the thought, I rushed (well as much as you can rush when the floor still doesn’t seem completely steady) to his bedroom and opened his bottom drawer, that’s where I thought his inhaler was. I went to rummage around but felt something sharp prick my skin. I pulled my hand away quickly and looked down, I was bleeding. Ignoring it, I looked back into the drawer and a glint of silver caught my eye. Curious and still frantically looking for his inhaler I pulled the drawer out completely and turned it upside down. Out fell a bunch of books, a pad, some pens, a pack of pills, a set of scales and two razor blades.
I froze, taking a moment to process what I was looking at.
And then it hit me like a truck.
I was sat at the dinner table, Mikey beside me, moving his food around the plate nervously. “Not eating boy?” my father piped up “Something wrong with our cooking?”. Mikey shook his head quickly. “You’re normally a greedy little shit Michael, oh well at least this way you won’t get any fatter, unlike your brother” he spat, glaring at me. Normally, I wouldn’t talk back to him but this time was different. “How fucking dare you. Mikey is the definition of perfect and I hope he knows that, I refuse to let scum like you take that away from him, you lowlife piece of shit! And I swear if you lay another finger on him I will use your eyeballs as a pin cushion!” I yelled almost tasting the venom fuelling my words. He paused for a moment taken aback by my outburst, “Just kill yourselves, the both of you” he said weakly. I looked round the table, Mikey sat in shock before tearing up, my mother stared at me I smiled, almost laughed at the anger in her eyes and then-
My eyes fluttered open and I immediately regretted it, the dim light was crashing down on me, the room was spinning, promptly causing me to shut my eyes again. Slowly I became aware of my head throbbing and a heavy ache on my cheekbone. I cautiously opened my eyes again, the light seeming blinding. I stared up at the ceiling for a moment somehow becoming lost in the chips in the paint as everything began to focus slightly. I instinctively reached for my cheek, right where it hurt and winced as my fingers touched it. The room turned upside down as I sat up and leant against the wall next to me, steadying myself. I looked around, I was in the living room, according to the battery powered digital clock on my fathers desk it was 8:15pm, everyone’s food still on the table right next to me half eaten. I thought back to dinner and suddenly I remembered what my father had said and my mums fist… knocking me out? Wow, she’s incredibly thin and only 5’2, last time she tried that 2 years ago I accidentally put her in hospital. I realised the house was silent apart from gentle footsteps I recognised as Mikey’s, my parents must have gone out. They did that a lot, coming staggering back in at 2am.
Mikey. Shit. Was he ok? I remembered his scared face and what my father had said and knew I had to go comfort him. As I stumbled my way onto my feet I heard him go into the bathroom. I slowly climbed the stairs, praying I’d make it to the top without passing out again. As I edged closer I could hear odd noises coming from the bathroom. I think my brother was throwing up, but something wasn’t right at all. I made it to the landing and pressed my ear against the door. It was now obvious he was puking but he was gagging and choking as if he couldn’t breathe, not the normal sounds you make when you throw up. I wanted to go in but he hated people seeing him being sick. Suddenly I realised, maybe he was having an asthma attack as he puked. My stomach turned at the thought, I rushed (well as much as you can rush when the floor still doesn’t seem completely steady) to his bedroom and opened his bottom drawer, that’s where I thought his inhaler was. I went to rummage around but felt something sharp prick my skin. I pulled my hand away quickly and looked down, I was bleeding. Ignoring it, I looked back into the drawer and a glint of silver caught my eye. Curious and still frantically looking for his inhaler I pulled the drawer out completely and turned it upside down. Out fell a bunch of books, a pad, some pens, a pack of pills, a set of scales and two razor blades.
I froze, taking a moment to process what I was looking at.
And then it hit me like a truck.
Notes
I'm so sorry. Like really. This turned out so much more graphic n just ew than i intended n im not sure if im comfortable with it.
I am not glamorizing self harm or eating disorders and if anyone was triggered by this here are two sites to look at (just in case)(uk only too i think soz):
b-eat.co.uk
selfharm.co.uk
Also its probably relevant to say if you're under 19 and abused call childline 08001111 <3
I hope none of u need the above but i feel like its worth putting it there just in case. If your not in the uk there are services available for u too, plz look into it.
In other news i like that i thought up the line "use your eyeball as a pin cushion". Like look at this pin cushion. Now imagine its your enemies eyeball. mmm.
TW// needles
Please come back to this
2/19/16