Gerard had made us vegetarian spaghetti for dinner. I couldn’t deny the fact that it was probably one of the most delicious things I had tasted in my life, and I ended up eating about three large servings of the meal whilst Gerard barley went through one small serving for himself. We ate in a comfortable silence, the only sound being the slight scarping of forks against plates and the occasional slurping of a drink. After eating Gerard took our plates over to the sink and began to wash them. Him having done all the cooking and everything since I’d been here I thought it only fair of me to help him, so I picked up the tea towel off the kitchen counter and began to try the plates and pots. The entire time we were surrounded by a content silence, feeling no need to ruin it with awkward and pointless conversation.

After finishing the washing up we both wordlessly made our way back into the main room. Gerard started making his way over to the tiny television that sat hidden away in the corner that I hadn’t noticed until now, and I was about to head over to the sofa before I remembered about something and thought that now might be a good time to ask. “What’s up there?”
“What’s where?” He asked, turning around to look at me. I pointed towards the set of rusty metal stairs that lead up to the hole in the wall. As far as I knew this was a one bedroom apartment, and Gerard’s bedroom was through the door in the middle of the mural. He used the main room for his art studio, so it couldn’t be that, and then the kitchen was obviously where we had just come from.
“It’s, uh, c’mon! I’ll show you!” Without giving me a chance to object Gerard grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the stairs, barley even letting go as we climbed them one after the other which meant I had to twist my arm at an awkward angle unless I wanted to trip up each step.

At the top of the stairs was another door. It was black and made of metal, with a bolt on the door handle. Gerard pulled a key out of a gap between the floor boards beneath us and unlocked the door. I was instantly overcome with a gush of cold air, sending violent shivers through my entire body. Gerard leaped out of the door and I shuffled forward slowly after him, wondering why it was so cold.

We were outside, that was why it was so cold, and we were on the roof. I couldn’t really see much because it was night time and there were no lights up here other than the weak glow from the moon that hung just behind the wall of the door.

Gerard had picked up a pile of things in the corner and had placed them in a specific arrangement on the concrete floor. Suddenly I was able to see his bright orange face in the gentle glow of the match he had lit, before he disappeared again and threw the match onto the fire. There were a few pieces of paper in the middle that had caught light instantly, casting a slight glow on the entire roof which slowly got brighter as the logs caught light too. I had no idea where Gerard could have gotten logs from in the middle of the city, but he must have had his ways.

The small fire in the middle of the roof top grew stronger and stronger casting ghostly shadows over the concrete and emitting warm glow that I instantly drifted towards to escape the cold. I sat across from Gerard who was staring at the embers of the fire, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.

It would have been rude to distract Gerard whilst he was so obviously concentrating on something important, so instead I leant back on my hands and stared up at the cloudless sky. It was so beautiful. Despite the heavy light pollution from the never sleeping city you could still see every star in the sky along with the half-moon that shone brightest among them. I wished I knew any constellations, then I could’ve impressed Gerard with my amazing knowledge of stars, but truthfully I never once paid any attention throughout the few astronomy classes I had ever actually attended.

I’m not sure how long we both sat there in silence, but I could’ve sat there forever. I was warm from the fire, but not too warm thanks to the actual temperature outside. The silence was only broken by the gentle crackling of the fire and the distant sounds of the city.

When I finally looked back down from the sky, I noticed Gerard was staring at me. Not in a creepy way or anything. It was the kind of look a person would give a beautiful painting in an art gallery when they were trying to inspect every miniscule detail and figure out the meaning behind every feature. I kind of liked the attention even if it was a little intimidating, so I didn’t say anything and instead looked back up at the sky. I heard Gerard whisper something ever so quietly, but the words were drowned out from the crackling of the fire. “What did you say?” I asked him quietly, afraid the break the thin sheet of silence that rested over us.

“Oh, nothing,” Gerard replied, just as quietly, “Can I look at something, please?” Gerard had never sounded so polite in the 24 hours I had known him, so I could already tell that this was going to be something serious. I nodded slowly but firmly, locking my eyes with his. He slowly lifted his arm and picked up one of my arms, holding it just above the warm flames of the fire by my hand. Hesitantly his other hand pushed the sleeve of my jacket up to my elbow, revealing a scattering of faded scars that decorated my wrist. His fingers gently hovered over each of them individually, sending shivers down my spine like it did every time anyone touched them. “They’re old,” he breathed, barely audible over the snapping of the fire.
“Yeah,” I whispered in a broken voice, watching closely as his fingers continued to gently stroke over the white lines that stood out against my skin.
“You shouldn’t have done this to yourself Frank,” he said, firmly but still quiet and sympathetic.
“Yeah, I know,” I muttered, turning my head away finally and glaring at my bare feet, “I just made myself look even worse than I already did.”
There was complete silence and I looked back up, expecting a reply, to be caught off guard by Gerard’s disbelieving face. “You are beautiful, Frank,” He said sternly and much louder than any of our previous conversation had been. There was so much certainty in his words that there was even a little part within me that actually believed him, although most of me wasn’t convinced of that lie so easily.

I didn’t really know how to react to his words. The only thing that came to mind as a reply was to ask him how he could possibly say that when he was basically the epitome of Godly. Eventually my dignity was salvaged when I managed to say instead, “I’m going to cover them all up, eventually.”
“You shouldn’t. They’re part of who you are, part of what makes you you,” he said, still stroking his fingers over the ridges and waiting a few seconds before asking, “How are you going to do it?”
“Tattoos,” I saw an opportunity to lighten the heavy mood and I took it, trying to get Gerard’s focus away from the thing I hated more about myself than anything else in the world, “I’ve wanted one ever since I could remember.”
“What are you going to get here?”
“I don’t know yet, but I know what my first one is going to be, when I get the chance to actually go and get one done!”
“Oh, and what’s that?” He looked up at my face this time, genuinely interested.
I pulled my hand from his and gestured across my knuckles, “I’m going to have Halloween written across here.”
“Halloween? Why?”
“Because Halloween is the most awesome holiday of the year! And it is also my birthday!”
“Really! That’s so cool! You must have had some of the best birthdays ever!”
“Oh you should have seen my sixteenth! It was amazing! It was even better than any of those crappy celebrity parties!”
“Seriously,” Gerard laughed, giving me a fake disbelieving look, “They’re pretty damn hard to beat!”
“Well, I don’t know honestly,” I laughed, absorbing the good change in atmosphere, “I’ve never really seen them. I’m not really one of those people that likes to stalk famous people,” Gerard looked back at the fire sheepishly, “But apparently you are!”
“I’ve got nothing better to do all day!” He said defensively, making me laugh even harder at his wide eyes and raised eyebrows. “Anyway,” he sighed, faking annoyance but still giggling slightly, “When are you going to have it done?”
“I don’t really know,” I sighed, looking longingly at my closed knuckles, “Up until now my parents have never let me. Now I can do what I want, I can just… yeah…” I trailed off, the thought of my parents causing my throat to close up and building tears to sting my eyes.

Gerard was silent for a few seconds, picking up on my suddenly sullen mood. He seemed to have a talent when it came to reading people even better than they read themselves. “Do you miss them?” he asked sympathetically.
“Every day,” I choked out. I was aware that I probably looked like a wimpy mummy’s boy to Gerard, who still thought that my parents had only moved away, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. He was silent for a few more minutes as I stared into the fire.

I was thankful when he finally decided that venting probably wasn’t what I felt like doing right now. Instead he laughed again awkwardly and said, as happily as he could, “At least you can get the tattoo done now! There’s no one bossing you round anymore!”
I forced my fallen mouth into an awkward smile, which I was pretty sure ended up being an uncomfortable grimace, as I said, “Yeah! That’s good! Maybe I’ll have to get it done next week some time!” There were so many things I wanted to do next week. If everything I had planned happened, it was going to be the week from my dreams, and if it didn’t, I honestly didn’t think I’d be able to handle it. All my plans collectively together were like my beacon of hope, acting as a target that I just had to get to by living through every day with the best smile I could handle on my face.

Gerard gave me a concerned look but otherwise ignored my upset mood, sensing that the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. He stood up from his place on the ground and walked over to the corner of the roof. He collected a few more logs and came back to position them on the fire.

We both sat watching the fire for a while, both lost in our own thoughts again. Eventually Gerard took a deep breath as he straightened his back and looked directly at me again, glowing interest in his eyes. “So Frank,” He said, loudly and overly happy, “What else do you want to do with your life, other than get a tattoo.”
“I want to be in a band,” I said, without a second of hesitation. I had wanted to be in a band ever since I was little. There had never been any other plan in my mind which had always disappointed my parents, not that that effected my decision to dedicate hours a day into playing my guitar and perfecting every technique there was to learn. I had played in a few bands back in high school, although none of them had ever taken off. The friends I had weren’t really into the kind of stuff I liked to play, so our bands would never really get off the ground because we would never be able to agree on what covers we should do and what kind of songs we should write.
“Really! Wow! I used to want to be in a band…” Gerard trailed off looking into the distance as his eyes glazed over with a look of pain and grief in his eyes before he shook himself, literally, and he was back to his overly excited self he had been a few moments ago. “Maybe you should try again here in New York! I bet there are loads of people you could be in a band with!”
“I might do! But I, uh, I’m not sure… I guess I’m kind of losing hope with it all…”
“Don’t,” Gerard said defiantly, “Never give up with your dreams, or you’ll never stop regretting it.”
I watched Gerard as he watched me and gave him a small sincere smile as I said, “Thanks for the advice. I’ll keep that in mind.”

We spent the rest of the evening on the roof just talking. Every so often Gerard would have to add a few more logs to the fire so we wouldn’t lose our light or our only source of heat. I was surprised that this little fire was actually enough to keep me this warm when it was sub-zero outside, but I was grateful nevertheless.

We talked about everything. We talked about our favourite music, movies, and books. We talked about our lives growing up. I told him about how weird it was being the popular, rich emo kid in high school whilst everyone surrounding you, except your amazing girlfriend, was completely stuck up and plastic but still also genuinely your friend in a weird way. The only reason they had tried to be friends with me was because I was rich as hell so it was like the law or something for me to have a shit load of friends, but slowly with time we actually grew to like each other for the little things we did happen to have in common. He told me about how awesome it was growing up with his little brother and told me a few funny and important memories about the brother, who strangely remained nameless throughout. Gerard also didn’t explain why he never saw his brother anymore, but I left that alone seems as he had been polite enough to not intrude on my secrets.

By the time we finally let the fire die it was almost one in the morning and I was finding it difficult to keep my drooping eyelids open.

We went back inside and Gerard was quick to head back into his own bedroom, obviously just as tired as I was. This time I slept in Gerard’s old t-shirt that I’d worn earlier that day and my boxers, not wanting to get my new clothes crinkled and deciding that there wasn’t really much more for Gerard to see after the embarrassing moment this morning. The memory brought back a stomach clenching wave of embarrassment as I escaped back under the covers to hide my blushing cheeks.

It was weird thinking that I had only met Gerard last night. After everything that had happened and the hours we had spent talking, it felt as though we had known each other for years. It was like there was a special connection between us, as though we had always been destined to be best friends. I had never had more in common with anyone, and no one had ever understood me quite as well as Gerard did, not even Jamia my ex-girlfriend.

This time it didn’t take me very long to get to sleep. I had barley been in bed for a minute before my heavy eyes drifted shut and I fell into a dreamless slumber.

Notes

Thanks for Reading!
xoxo