Things Are Better If I Stay

Before I knew it I was awake again. Bright sunlight was piercing through my closed eyelids and there were the distant sounds of birds singing, signalling that it was morning. There was a repulsive smell in the air, causing me to scrunch up my nose in disgust as I opened my eyes and pushed myself upwards. The change in facial expression pulled my skin slightly, sending a stinging pain through the left side of my face, reminding me of the awful bruises that decorated it. I stretched and yawned, before standing and searching my surroundings.

It took a moment for me to realise where I was, but once I did a varying range of emotions struck me before I settled back into confusion. I still didn’t know what that awful smell was. I noticed that blending into the birdsong that filled the room, was a louder more prominent whistle that was coming from the kitchen, along with the sound of something frying. Being as quiet as I could, I tiptoed up to the kitchen and stopped just inside the door frame, leaning against the closest counter.

Gerard was skipping round the kitchen, whistling a tune I didn’t know, holding a spatula in one hand and a piece of toast in the other. Glancing over at the cooker I realised what the horrible smell was. Two pieces of bacon were sizzling in a frying pan, with random pieces of fat floating round in the greasy juice. Gerard leaped over to stand in front of the pan, flipping the pieces over before turning back and noticing I was in the doorway. He flashed me a dazzling smile that showed a set of tiny teeth and then said happily, “I got us some breakfast! Bacon sandwiches!” My face must have shown my disgust as the smile dropped from his face. “Is that alright?” he asked, worriedly.

“Um, I, uh, I’m kind of a vegetarian,” I stuttered quietly.

“Ugh, I’m such an idiot!” he spat, slapping his forehead, “Of course! Why didn’t I think to ask! I’m so sorry! Like, really really sorry!” He picked up the pan off the stove and tipped the contents into the bin.

“No, no, no!” I rambled, “How could you have known! You were only being nice, so you shouldn’t apologise for that.” He flashed me a grateful smile then and walked over to the other side of the kitchen. Sitting on the counter was a plate with a stack of toast on it. He picked the plate up and offered it to me. I took a piece that already had butter melted into it and took a hesitant bite of the bread that was still warm. It wasn’t until I swallowed the first mouthful that I noticed how hungry I was, and so I then proceeded to continually stuff my face with bread until I had completely cleared the plate. The entire time Gerard had sat in silence, nibbling on the same piece of bread that was still barley even dented.

“Did you want anymore?” He asked me with an anxious look on his face. It was evident he was doing his best to please.

“No, thank you,” I answered, “That was plenty! I never thought toast could taste so good.” He laughed, obviously satisfied that I was happy and then rose from his chair to wash up the now empty plate.

“Um, if you want you can go and take a shower,” Gerard rambled, nervous again, “I mean, you don’t have to, but, yeah. And I have put a towel on the towel rail and I’ve also found you some jeans and a t-shirt. They’re my old ones, and they might be a little baggy on you, but I don’t think they’ll be that bad.”

“Thanks!” I said happily, trying my best to stop him from feeling so awkward and anxious, and then made my way towards the bathroom.

Once I was behind the locked door and standing under the bright bathroom light I felt myself deflate. I hadn’t realised I’d been trying to hold up such a façade since, well I didn’t know when really, but now I no longer felt the need to keep it up, I felt what it was like to not have it there. I wasn’t being crushed with sadness, and I wasn’t shaking with anger towards the world or anything like that. I just felt empty. Emotionless. I didn’t really know how to react to things anymore, and I was actually slightly thankful for that now. I don’t think I could have survived the full emotional turmoil that would come from losing your entire world in the space of a week.

I shed my clothes and left them on the bathroom floor before stepping into the shower and turning it on. The warm water gushed over my stinging face, and I moaned lightly as I felt the stream trickle through my hair and over my bare skin. I stood under the flowing water for a while, relaxing and clearing my mind before making any attempt at beginning to wash.

I needed to figure out what I was going to do. I had to last seven days until I could go to the bank and my inheritance would be through. My parents had left the house and everything in it to my grandparents, but they had left everything in their bank account to me. I had definitely gotten the better end of the deal because I had ended up with enough money to never have to work a day in my life as long as I didn’t piss it away like an idiot. The only problem was, until next week I didn’t have a penny to my name, and a lot could happen in seven days. And even if I had decided that Gerard wasn’t any kind of threat, it would still be weird to ask to live with him for the next week. He was a complete stranger after all. As I stood under the rain of warm clean water, I was frustrated to find that it was my only option unless I really wanted to freeze to death on the streets.

I finally reached for the coconut shampoo that was resting on the shelf in the wall, squirted some onto my hand and then massaged my head. It felt so good to just wash away all the dirt and grime that had been ground into my hair and skin last night when I had been pushed up against the wall. The longer I stood under the stream the less my face was stinging as though it was some kind of magical painkiller. I was dreading the moment when I would have to step out of the shower, but eventually I did. I could barely see anything due to the hot steam that had filled the room and I had to grope the walls in an attempt to find the towel Gerard had said he’d left for me.

I was still dripping wet by the time the steam had cleared and I looked around to find there were no towels or spare clothes in the room, only my pile of dirty ones. I was beginning to shiver from the cool air that was now filling the bathroom as I was trying to figure out what to do. Eventually I decided to risk it.

I put my ear to the door to see if I could hear Gerard, but when I heard no sound of life outside the door I opened it slowly. Peeking through a thin gap, I searched around and didn’t see him either, but I did see a towel and a pile of clothes just on the shelf a couple of meters away from the bathroom. I figured I could be out and back in within a couple of seconds, and Gerard didn’t even need to know about my awkward situation. After taking one final search around, I leaped out of the door and grabbed the pile of fabric off the shelf. I spun round quickly but then froze in place when I caught a very shocked looking Gerard standing just outside his bedroom door, staring at my naked body. For a couple of seconds we both just stood there staring at each other, both frozen in place, before what was happening really crossed my mind and I scrambled to cover myself. Blushing terribly I spluttered out a rushed sorry before running back into the bathroom and locking the door back behind me again.

I slid down the door and rested on the floor, panting as water droplets dribbled down my bright red face. Gerard had just seen me naked. Oh god. Gerard had just seen me completely fucking butt naked. I let my head fall back against the wooden door, wincing when it jolted my already aching head. Slowly, weighted down with the deep feeling of embarrassment, I tugged the towel through my jet black hair and then wiped off the droplets that still remained on my skin. I pulled Gerard’s baggy clothes onto my body, surprised to find that even if they were very loose they weren’t that bad. They smelled sweet and clean and I couldn’t help but breath in a strong breath of the fabric.

I stood in front of the mirror and assessed myself again. My bruises had turned into huge black and yellow marks decorating my jaw and eye, but at least I could mostly open it enough to see. I pushed my raven bangs over my face to cover the worst of it. I wondered why I suddenly felt so conscious of how I looked.

I couldn’t put it off for any longer. I had to go back out that door and face Gerard. It took a lot of internal convincing, but I finally managed to tell myself not to feel or act embarrassed or ashamed. After all, he had been the one who stayed staring at me.

I walked out of the bathroom with my head held high and walked back into the kitchen where Gerard was fumbling around awkwardly. Once he noticed I was standing in the kitchen he froze again, staring straight at me. I couldn’t help but notice how his eyes kept accidently flickering down to my crotch, and every time he would look back up at my face again within seconds, blushing a little more.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, already losing my confident face and looking down at the floor, blushing, “I forgot to take the towel in with me.”

“No, no!” he exclaimed nervously, finally looking away and instead looking anywhere but at me, “I, uh, I told you they were already in there and they weren’t so, um, my fault, sorry!” I smiled gratefully at him, and despite it being only very small, Gerard accepted it. “Anyway! Let’s just forget it ever happened shall we?” he said, sitting down at the breakfast bar. He glanced between me and the chair opposite him, signalling for me to sit down.

I sat on the chair opposite from him and stared down at the surface of the table. I knew what was coming, and I had been stupid to think that Gerard wouldn’t ask about my situation even though I was staying in his house with no other options of places to go.

I didn’t want to tell him what had happened. He might not want to have anything to do with someone as messed up as I was; some teenage kid with no parents and a past history of depression. Not exactly the most appealing description of a lodger ever.

“Why don’t you have anywhere to go?” Gerard asked, his tone friendly and even slightly worried which surprised me considering I only met him about 12 hours ago.

I shrugged, fingering a dent on the side of the table. I felt his eyes burning holes in my head, trying to get me to talk. When he only waited for me to continue, refusing to say anything else, I decided to take a different approach. “I’ll get somewhere soon. It can’t be that hard to find an apartment or something. I have money, I just can’t get it until next week, so I just need somewhere to stay until then,” I trailed off.

“Well, where is this money from? And why can’t you get it until next week? Where were you up until yesterday?”

“It’s – It’s my trust fund! My parents have, um, moved away to Japan or something. I told them I had everything organized cause I just wanted them to leave. I guess I wasn’t really thinking about what I was going to do this week…”

Gerard continued to stare at me, obviously not quite believing my story. “That’s just plain stupid Frank,” he muttered eventually.

“Yeah, I know,” I sighed, worried that now he might kick me out for being an idiot.

“But, despite how brainless you are, I’m not just gonna throw you back out on the street.” I exhaled in relief at his words. “I’ll make you a deal.” I looked up at him when he said those words, and saw he had an unsure expression on his face, making it clear he wasn’t quite certain if this deal was a good idea, “You can stay here until you get your money and find an apartment, and in return you can do me a favour.”

“Um, okay…” I mumbled, unsure, “But that really depends on what the favour is.”

“Don’t worry, it’s nothing weird,” he chuckled, “It’s just, I’ve got this friend. He owns a music store downtown and his other employee is sick. He keeps trying to get me to fill in but, to be honest, I’m not much of a worker. You work for him, then you can live with me!”

I couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across my face. “A music store?! Are you kidding me!” I exclaimed, “I would love to! That would be amazing!”

“Wow! I certainly wasn’t expecting you to be quite so enthusiastic about working nine till five. It’s only a music store…”

“Only a music store! What! It’s not just another shop or another job, it’s – it’s more than that! This is just like, a dream come true or something! I’ve always wanted to do something with music, and now I actually get to!”

“C’mon then,” he said, rising out of his chair and walking towards the archway leading back to the main room, “I better take you there now, before he gets too annoyed at me for not turning up again.” I followed behind him eagerly, pulling my tattered converse on before running after him out of the apartment.

Notes