5 days of rock bottomness

Frank's POV
I awoke to Ray shaking me. I winced and clutched my head. It was light outside but that didn't mean much. It was probably really early.
"Go away Ray, I'm tired and I have a hangover." I said as I rolled over.
"Just get up Frank, and don't wake Gerard and Mikey up. We need to talk" This caught my attention. If he didn't want Gerard and Mikey to wake up, then it was probably something involving Gerard and something that Mikey didn't need to know yet. I pulled myself out of bed and followed him out the bus door where Bob was already waiting. I tried my best to push my headache to the back of my mind.
"What's this about Ray?" I ask him, hoping that whatever Gerard did this time wasn't the worst thing ever.
"Well, you know how Gerard was hiding something from us?"
"What do you mean 'was'?! Did you figure something out?!" I asked excitedly. Bob also had a surprised expression on his face. Just then the bus door swung open to reveal a now very much awake Mikey, he was clinging to a stuffed unicorn.
"Shit, well I guess you had to figure out sooner or later. Come on then." Ray told him. Mikey lowered his eyes to the ground and looked like he wasn't sure if he wanted to be part of this conversation but he stepped out of the bus anyway.
"As I was saying, Me and Brian know what Gerard has been keeping from us." He started once Mikey had sat down on the curb. "Please just try to stay calm when I tell you." That was mostly aimed at Mikey. "Gerard is... a drug addict." I felt my stomach drop and my heart stop for a moment. I looked over at Mikey and Bob to see there reactions and observed something similar to my own on Bob. Mikey on the other hand was completely strait faced.
"Wow are you really okay with this Mikey?" I asked him in disbelief.
"I kind of... already knew." He said with a little shake in his voice. "I was just hoping it wasn't true."
"How the hell did you know?! I know you're related and stuff but he has hidden it so well!" Bob asked him with little regard for his fragile feelings.
"There have been... incidents before." He replied, unsure of himself.
"What do you mean?" He had a sullen look on his face, like he didn't really want to talk about it. Well to bad. This band tells each other everything or we will figure it out. "Come on Mikey, you know we'll force it out of you sooner or later." I hated talking to him like this.
He sighed and slumped his shoulders. "When Gerard was going to art school and I was still in my last two years of high school, his depression was at its worst. Believe it or not, how he is now is an improvement." He paused. "We shared a really bad drug problem." There was a collective gasp.
"You too Mikey?" Ray asked with a little disappointment showing in his voice.
"Yes, me too." I could tell it was hard for him to talk about this.
"He started first and never wanted to get me involved but one day when he was passed out on his dorm room couch I found his supply and I tried it and just like that I got hooked. He felt horrible for it but pretty much all we ever did after that was get hi and go drinking at parties. That's why he's so afraid of needles. He's injected so many things into his body and it has caused him so much psychological pain that whenever he sees a needle he freaks out."
"What were you guys on before? It could help us figure out what he's using now."
"You mean you don't know?" He asked Ray surprised.
"That was the one thing I couldn't pry out of McKraken last night." Ray answered.
"How does Bert fit into this?" I asked him.
"He's the dealer." We all groaned. "You never answered my question Mikey." We all turned back to Mikey.
"We kind of did everything. We were big on Marijuana and Cocaine, speed. I don't really know the extent of all the things we did." He looked sad, remembering his dark days.
"Well, your clean now. Right?" I asked him. I'm actually really nervous for his answer.
"Yes, I'm clean but Gerard has always had a tendency to go back to it and he's never been able to ditch the alcohol. I guess it got him pretty hard this time. I'm really surprised that you guys haven't noticed yet. You know those few times he disappeared during recording and a couple other times? No doubt he was getting hi off something." We all remained silent. I remembered the times Gerard had disappeared and how Mikey had suggested we go look for him. We had all just decided that the stress was getting to be to much for him and he needed some time alone. Guess we were wrong.
I didn't really want to ask, just because I knew that he probably didn't want to talk about it, but I had to know. "How did you get clean?" He glanced up at me and then back down, hugging his unicorn tighter to his chest.
"I had an overdose." He winced at he awful memory. "Gerard hadn't been with me when I was getting hi but he was the one that found me and rushed me to the hospital. After that, we both kind of... stopped but Gerard hasn't been able to stay clean." He pushed his face into his unicorn. "Jesus Crist! I almost died!"
"That bad, hu?" Bob asked. Mikey just nodded into the unicorn.
"How come you didn't tell us about this before Mikey?" I asked him trying to keep my voice gentle.
"I thought you guys would be mad at Me and Gerard. He doesn't need that right now. You know how it is." I'm not mad at him or Gerard. I'm just kind of disappointed in them for getting into this in the first place. But I'm also proud of Mikey for kicking his addiction. But there's something else there too. I'm almost proud of Gerard for being able to carry on this long and not... die. I want to help him but I can't help him if he won't help himself.
We get up and make our way inside where Mikey curls up on the couch with his unicorn. Bob sits next to him and turns Family Guy on which seems to distract him a little bit.
"Hey... I think we should search his stuff when he wakes up, do you think he will let us? Without fighting back?" Ray says.
"Well if he doesn't let us, we'll know he has something to hide." Bob says. I nod, secretly hoping that he does resist so that we can figure out what he's addicted to, I know the others are probably thinking the same thing.
It wasn't until about noon that Gerard finally stirred from his sleep. Until now we had been silently staring out the windows as the cars and fields passed by. Or playing games on our phones. Nobody wanted to talk about what was about to happen so we submitted ourselves to several hours of silence. Mikey was still lying on the couch, his feet on top of Bob's lap. He had his face buried in the cushions.
My head snapped up when I heard him stumbling out of his bunk. He cursed when he hit the bunks on the other side of the tiny room. Mikey was looking now too. The redness around his eyes betrayed the fact he had been silently crying into the couch.
Ray got up from his arm chair and walked over to Gerard, grabbing him by the shoulders. The look on Gerard's face was something between fear and surprise.
"Sit down before you fall on your ass." He said, steering him toward the arm chair. He stood in front of him with his arms crossed.
"Have a nice little talk with Brian last night?" He asked.
"I don't know what you-"
"Don't give me that bullshit Gerard! You know what this is about, you're not the only one who talks to our manager. Didn't he tell you? That little thing you've been hiding? We all know Gerard. Just stop pretending like your okay because you're not and you're the only one that doesn't see that!" He looked really pissed off. Gerard leaned back in the chair, a look on his face that I couldn't quite decipher. "Are you going to let me search your stuff or does someone have to hold you down?" Gerard leaned forward and put his forehead in his hands, looking at the floor. He hasn't said a word. "I guess that means you aren't going to stop me." He stated it rather than ask a question. He shot me a meaningful look, I got up and followed him to the bunks where we pulled his suit case out from the storage area and started
Riffling through the clothes and other belongings. I pulled out a stack of comic books and bag of extra makeup, his drawing supplies. Ray reaches to the bottom of the case and comes out holding a bunch of used plastic bags? What the fuck. He holds them out with a confused look on his face, then he puts them aside so we can finish looking through Gerard's stuff.
We zip the suit case back up and then move on to his bed. I feel wrong searching through his stuff, I know that we have to but it just feels... Invasive. I know I shouldn't trust him but it's hard, he's my best friend and I just wish it didn't have to be this way.
We pull the sheets of his mattress and pillow but we don't find anything so we remake the bed. Then Ray grabs the handful of plastic bags and walks back out into the main part of the bus. He stands in front of Gerard.
"I suppose you aren't going to tell us what was in these?" He asks, frustration in his voice.
Mikey gets up and slowly crosses over to him, he puts his hands on his shoulders to try making him look up.
"Gee, look at me." Gerard looks up, a blank look on his face. "What was in those bags?" He clenches his jaw and then looks away.
"You're hardly one to talk Mikey." Great the first thing that comes out of his mouth that day is hurtful, to his biggest supporter. Mikey's shoulders drop and his hands drop to his sides. He goes back and sits on the couch with his legs pulled to his chest and his face in his knees.
"That was uncalled for Gerard." Ray said. "He just wants to help you."
"Maybe I don't want help." Gerard said, that was the closest thing he had said to admitting he had a drug problem.
"Do you even know what you're saying?! You are ruining your life with this! Just tell us what you are on so we can help you get off of it!"
"I don't want to tell you!"
"Why won't you let us help you Gee?! We just want you to be back to the way you used to be!" We were all screaming at this point. Luckily, the bus was parked now and the driver has left. We really need to keep this quiet, nobody but us and Brian need to know about this.
Gerard suddenly stood up, turning away from us, he started to walk toward the door.
"Hey! Where are you going? We aren't done talking to you." Bob moved to block his way.
Gerard's face was hidden by shadows but it was still clear that he was starting to cry.
"All you're doing is yelling." He sobbed and pushed past Bob, I watched as he disappeared around a corner.
It made me so sad, not because I had to see him like this but because I didn't want him to feel this way anymore. He's always so sad. The reason he is so addicted to self destruction was because it took his mind away from the things that depressed him. Until now, it hadn't occur to me that maybe this was more than an addiction, it was also a sadness.

Gerard's POV

I had been stunned into silence ever since Ray had pushed me down into the chair. I hid my face in my hands, not wanting to show my embarrassment at them all knowing what I had tried so hard to keep a secret. I also didn't want to see the disappointment written on their faces. When Ray came back with a handful of plastic bags, I was only half paying attention. I didn't want to tell them about the drugs. And what I had said to Mikey... I already regretted it. That's why I left. I hate hurting the people I love but I am addicted to the pain I cause myself.
Why can't they see that I don't want to get better? Yes, I admit it's unhealthy but maybe that's why I do it. If I could just die, I wouldn't have to feel this pain anymore and they wouldn't have to put up with me. But was I really ready to go? I pushed the thought to the back of my head as I sat down against a tree in a little park I had found. There was a little lake near the park and my mind flashed to a vision of myself drowning, then it flashed back. I put my head in my hands again, tears dripping into the grass. I hear the sound of foot steps approaching. Of course they had followed me. I looked up into Mikey's eyes and then back down when I saw the tears there. He sat down next to me and pulled me into his chest, realizing how much I had missed being this close to him, I clung to his small frame and balled my eyes out.
"I'm sorry I said that to you Mikey!" I sobbed out.
"It okay Gee, I'm sorry they all yelled at you, you don't need that." I was still crying. "Will you come back with me? They promised to stop asking you. I told them you weren't ready."
"A- are you sure?"
"Yes." I broke the hug that may or may not be the last one I ever have with him.

I hesitated outside the bus door. I didn't want to see angry and disappointed faces from the people I loved.
"It's okay Gerard, they already went to sound check." I followed him in then. It was already past 2 o'clock. I let Mikey get his performance clothes on first. While I wait, I lean against the counter top and try to think about something other than my sad life.
I search the counter tops for something to occupy my mind and my eyes lock on to a knife laying next to the counter top. I have a sinking feeling, knowing what I'm about to do. I had heard that it helps you forget things.
I pick up the knife and roll back my sleeve, revealing my pail wrist. Without a second thought, I drag the sharp edge across my wrist. It leaves behind a shallow gash which slowly oozes blood. I gasp in the guilty pleasure. I hadn't expected it to feel so good, the burning sensation increases when I make 2 more cuts next to the first.
I revel in the pain but when the door swings open and Frank walks in, I drop the bloody knife and try to hide my arm. It doesn't work. He stares at me with wide eyes and rushes over. I try to pull away but he grabs my arm in an iron like grip and puts a hand over my mouth so I wouldn't cry out. He probably didn't want Mikey to know about me cutting myself. Mikey tries to act strong but we all know he was about to break on the inside.
"Why did you do this Gee?!" He squeaked with a hurt look on his face. I just shook my head and looked at the ground.
"Are you... Oh god! Are you suicidal again?!" His voice was cracking. This time I didn't shake my head.
He pulled me into his arms, my blood getting on his t-shirt. He didn't seem to care but he soon let go of me and forced me to hold my arm under running water while he dug the first aid kit out from under the kitchen sink. He turned off the water and held a wad of paper towels to the wounds, applying pressure. When he was sure it had stopped bleeding, he removed the towels and wrapped my arm in gauze before tapping it down with medical tape. He didn't bother to clean the wound because I had probably bleed out anything infectious.
When he was satisfied with his work, he pulled me over to the couch and made me sit down. He sat next to me and held the hand on my injured arm.
"Are you going to tell the rest of the band about this?" He began working my sleeve back down.
"Probably not. I actually hate the idea of you guys being worried for me."
"Then why do you do this?"
"Because I can't stop." I said back in a sad voice.
"Why do you think you deserve to die?" The bathroom door swung open and Mikey walked out with his make up and show clothes on. He stared at Frank.
"What are you doing here? I thought you went to sound check."
"I did, but I came back to get my cell phone. You guys missed sound check by the way, don't worry we tuned the bass and the mic sounds good." He got up and went to the door. "Ray and Bob are waiting in the dressing room." We watched him leave.
I got to my feet and went to the bathroom to do my make up and get dressed. I looked at my flushed face in the mirror and decided it would be hard to make myself paler but I applied the foundation anyway.
It took me about 20 minutes to get ready and when I walked out of the bathroom, me and Mikey walked to the club together. This was kind of a big club, it was about 1,500 people at maximum capacity. We went in the back door and a few people stared, considering I had been absent for the whole day, that wasn't surprising.
Mikey went off down one hall way that I guessed led to the dressing room. I didn't want to go there but Mikey dragged me with him and I had no choice but to go with him. He opened the door and dragged me in. Frank, Ray and Bob stared as Mikey pushed me down into a chair. The room maintained an awkward silence until a stage hand peaked his head through the door, telling us it was time to go on. We walked to the door and but before I could leave, Ray grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me around to face him. He had a "don't fuck with me" look in his eye.
"I know you are having problems right now and I'm sorry for all the yelling earlier but you need to leave everything in this room. Do not let it transfer over to the fans."
"Don't worry, I'm a good actor." I thought I heard him mutter something along the lines of "damn right you are" under his voice but I choose to ignore it and focus on getting into character.
Once we entered stage, no matter how hard I tried no to let it happen, the sight of all those people waiting for us struck fear into my very soul. It hit me that I had never performed without some kind of alcohol or drug in me. I knew that tonight wouldn't be any different.
Before going on, I had grabbed a beer from a nearby cooler. I recalled placing it at the bottom of the drum platform a few minutes before they turned the stage lights on. Now, as we finished the opening song, I went and took a big drink of the alcohol, hoping it would calm my nerves.the fans didn't think anything of it but I knew that the guys were glaring daggers at me. Chill out guys. Even if I had wanted to get sober, which I didn't, I would still have to drink so I didn't get sick with withdrawal symptoms. I hate being sick. I know Frank can relate to that, he's always getting sick.
We continued with the show, I knew the fans were waiting for the stage gay between me and Frank but he never got close enough for our little act. I guess he really was mad at me.
I heard the starting notes of Cemetery Drive and we started singing. I turned around to look at my band as I sang the "way down" part and laughed as I saw Frank trip Mikey. I said more than sang the "way down" part after that.
We ended the show with Helena and then we ran of the stage and out the back door into a waiting crowd of fans. There didn't seem to be any security in this place. We made our way through the crowd, stopping for pictures and autographs along the way. It took us about an hour to get to the bus.
I walked into the bathroom to take a shower. I took my shirt off and was a little surprised to see the bandage on my wrist. I had forgot all about it. I ripped it off and set it on the counter top, I inspected the wounds. There wasn't enough pain.
I squeezed my wrist and sighed as fresh blood oozed out. There wasn't much, not nearly enough to die of blood loss. What a shame.
I stepped into the shower and bloody water ran down the drain. I washed my hair and then stepped out, wrapping a towel around myself. I checked the bottom of the shower to make sure the blood had been washed down, it had. Then I walked out of the bathroom. Everyone else glanced up and then back to whatever they had been doing. I started getting dressed. Long sleeve shirt.
Bob got up, grabbed a towel out of his suit case and then walked into the bathroom. It was only a matter of seconds before the door slammed open and Bob stormed out.
"What the fuck is this?!" He yelled in my face. Goddammit! In my slightly drunken stupor, I had left my bandage on the counter top.
"Um... I-"
"Don't you dare lie to me Way!" He grabbed my wrist before I could react. Forcing me to turn my arm, he pushed my sleeve up and revealed the cuts I had made. Gasping he let go and I pulled my arm back, eyes cast to the ground. Frank timidly walked over and gathered me in his arms as the tears started to flow. I wept into his shoulder as the rest of the band surrounded me. They guided us over to the couch and I collapsed as if my legs didn't work anymore.
"Gerard, look at me." It was Ray. I obeyed, knowing that I wouldn't win the battle. "We need to talk about this. Why did you start cutting?" I didn't answer, only cried some more. I can't do this! I don't want them to know! It will be easier that way... They won't see it coming. They won't be able to stop me. Franks shirt was soaked by now.
"Did you know about this Frank?" Ray asked gently, trying not to upset anybody. Frank sighed.
"Yes, I caught him doing it. It was right before the show and I didn't want to mess it up." Ray nodded his understanding. We heard a choked sob from the corner of the room and realized that Mikey was holding back tears. Ray went over and hugged him but Mikey went to say something.
"T-The last time his -hiccup- depression was this bad, I had to stop him from h-hurting himself. He was suicidal then." This time he clung to Ray and cried.
"Gerard, are you..." Frank cut him off with a small nod and the bus fell silent. Everyone stared at me, my breath had slowed by now.
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry." I breathed out.
"What do you mean Gee?"
"I'm sorry you care about me, I'm sorry you have to see me like this, I'm sorry I'm worthless, I'm sorry I'm depressed, I'm sorry about the alcohol, I'm sorry about the cutting, I'm sorry about the drugs and I'm sorry I'm still alive!" It all poured out at once and I started hyperventilating, I could hear them trying to reach me as my vision clouded and my world went black.

Ray's POV

The things Gerard had said were shocking to say the least. Mikey had gone to bed soon after Gerard passed out. He said he needed to be alone and to let his thoughts arrange themselves. Frank and Bob had soon followed him, we were all tired from the show but I was determined to stay up and watch Gerard. I needed to make sure he didn't try to commit suicide.
We didn't bother moving him to his bed, he was still on the couch, it was easier to watch him this way anyway. I sighed and pulled out my phone. It was 9 o'clock. I opened my messages and found mine and Brian's conversation. I typed a message that I knew he wouldn't want to read;
"He had a breakdown after the show today. He has started cutting his wrists and he is suicidal again."

Gerard's POV

I woke up several hours later, I was laying on the couch and all the lights were off. I groaned and sat up, checking the time, it was midnight. The guys must have gone to bed earlier tonight. They must have been tired from our 3 o'clock show. I noticed Ray sitting in one of the recliners across the from the couch. He was asleep with his phone laying in his leg.
I recalled the things I said to them a few hours ago and I groaned at the memory. I didn't want this. I don't want them to know about all my problems. I don't want them to love me. I don't deserve their love. I just want to die because I'm so screwed up but I don't want to leave my friends. To be or not to be? That is the question.
I forced myself off the couch and out the door of the bus. Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes I looked across the parking lot to where I knew Bert would be. Walking over there, I had a feeling of want but also of dread. I wanted drugs and alcohol and I knew something bad would happen tonight.
Entering the bus, I was met with cheerful stoned faces. Bert walked over to me and thrust a beer into my hand, which I took.
"Look who's here guys! Good to see you Gee! Did you finally give them the slip?"
"I guess so." I said and put on a fake smile. He threw his arm over my shoulders and steered me toward a seat. He pulled a bag of white powder out of a kitchen cabinet and threw it to me. I wasted no time opening the bag and started snorting the substance.
I didn't stop for a long time.

Notes

I'm sorry this took so long, it was a hard chapter to write and I hope I didn't screw it up too bad. I need feedback! This story is almost over and the next chapter could be the last. Tell me what you think!