5 days of rock bottomness

Ray’s POV

I rushed back to the bus after the show, not wanting to watch Gerard drink. I just hoped that Mikey was drunk enough not to notice that Gerard had given up on getting sober. Had he really just given up? That wasn’t like him. Was it? It was like I didn’t even know him anymore. He’s in the grip of something else. I have to find out what it is. Just two days ago he was sitting on the couch sobbing into his knees because he needed help and now this?! God Dammit! Unable to control my frustration, I punch the brick wall we had parked the bus close to.
“Ugh” I groan in pain as I see my bloody knuckles. I walk up the stairs and head for my suitcase. I pull out pajama bottoms, boxers and an old t-shirt. Then, I head to the bathroom to take a long shower. Hopefully it will clear my mind.
I stand under the water for about an hour when I hear the bus door open and slam shut. I hear laughing and the the TV turning on. I decide that it’s time to get out so I turn the water off and pull my clothes on without drying off. I know I will regret the decision in the morning. My hair will tangle and it’s already hard enough to deal with. Maybe that’s why they call me “Princess Fro Fro”. My fro requires constant brushing and apparently, a princess brushes their hair all day.
I let the thought keep me occupied while I step out of the bathroom and am met with Mikey almost tackling me to get to the bathroom. I laugh and climb into my bunk but not before seeing the rest of the band sitting in the main part of the bus. They all look a little drunk but I dont want to think about it too much.
Despite me making a point not to think about it, here I am, thinking about it. How the fuck am I going to catch Gerard in the act of whatever he is doing? He pretty much never leaves our sight, except whenever he’s with Bert… shit! Why didn’t I think of that sooner?! Of course he was getting it from that dirt bag. Bert does or has done probably just about any drug you could think of. I guess I will have to pay him a visit. Soon. Like, tonight.
I decided to set my alarm for about 3:30. Everyone would be asleep so I wouldn’t have to worry about them following me. I just hope that Bert wouldn’t be asleep. I don’t like him but if I want him to tell me anything, I will have to be nice to him.

Gerard’s POV

I sit on the couch in silence. I’m not tired but there’s nothing to do because everybody is asleep. The world is a little dizzy from the alcohol but I feel so… good. It’s been hard the last few days, trying not to drink. I don’t know what I was thinking! How can something that makes me feel this good be bad for me?! I don’t have a problem. In fact, trying to quit was the problem. When I don’t drink, I just get sick and throw up. This is way better!
I drag myself off the couch and over to my bed. At least I might be able to pretend that I’m asleep. That would keep everyone off my back for a couple hours at least. I climb in and close the curtain. Now all I have to do is wait for my regular time to call Brian. I don’t know why I still call him. It doesn’t matter anymore. I guess it is just a habit, or maybe it's my subconscious trying to realize something, but I don't think I have anything to realize. And that brings me back to not knowing why I still call Brian. I put in my earbuds and turn the music up.
It is about 3:30, I hear someone rustling around in there bed. Then Ray hits his head on the top of his bunk, which also happened to be the bottom of mine. He quietly curses the bunk. I wonder what he’s doing but I pretend to be asleep because he will most likely check on me. Sure enough, I hear my curtain being pulled aside and then pulled back into place. I get the feeling that he’s not just going to the bathroom. My premonition is confirmed when I hear the bus door open and shut. I decide that it’s best not to follow him, he would probably find out if i had followed him. Therefore, I just lay there and listened to my music, the world still spinning around me.
Ray’s POV
I walked out the bus door, praying that I hadn’t woken anyone up. The cold night air helped to clear the sleepiness out of my eyes. I walked across the parking lot to “The Used” tour bus. The lights were still on and I could hear music getting louder as I got closer. I approached the steps and banged on the door, fearing that they wouldn’t be able to hear me if i wasn’t loud enough. The door swung open to a surprised looking Bert. He looked pretty fucked up and I could smell many different smells coming from the inside of the bus.
“Hey Bert, can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked politely. He nodded and stepped down from the bus.
“What do you want to talk about Toro?” He asked me. His words were a little slurred but he was still sober enough to answer questions.
“I know, that we both know, that Gerard is doing some kind of drug, and I think you know where he’s getting it from. I want to know what it is and I want to know where he’s getting it.”
"I could defiantly tell you all that but- I not going to! So tough luck and goodbye!" He made for the door. I guess we will have to do this the hard way. I grab him by the wrist and twist his arm around his back, forcing him to his knees. He gasps in surprise.
"What the fuck are you doing Toro!" He yelled.
"Since subtle hints didn't work, I guess I will have to just ask. What the hell have you been giving him?" I ask in a menacing voice.
"I haven't given him anything!" I know it's a lie.
"Don't give me that bullshit! I know what you like to do for fun and when Gerard's not with us, he's with you! You are the only one he could be getting from! So why don't you just tell me before I make you tell me?!" I am very protective of my friends, even if they are fucked up assholes like Gerard.
"Alright! Alright! It was me! I gave it to him! Would you please just let go of my arm?!" I let go, hoping that I wouldn't have to use force anymore.
"And what is it you have been giving him dear Bert?" I ask sweetly but with a hint of venom in his voice.
"None of your fuckin' business!" He yelled before running up the bus steps. He disappeared before I could stop him. I wonder if he was actually afraid of me. Maybe he was just to drunk and hi to function right. I walk back to the bus while sending a text to Brian.
"McKraken is the dealer. That's where he's getting it from." He texted back almost immediately, I was surprised he is up this late.
"What is he getting from Bert?"
"Drugs. Not sure what kind."
"Can you search his stuff or something?"
"Not while he's here. He's sleeping now but he was drinking earlier tonight."
"Great, I guess I know what we are going to talk about when he calls tonight." I became confused when I read this text. What did he mean "when he calls."?
"What do you mean? Does he call often?"
"Every morning at about 5." I wasn't sure how I felt about that, that means that he gets up before 5 every morning and is alone until God knows when, doing whatever he wants to do without us finding out.
"Well alright then. What do you guys talk about?"
"The first few times were about getting sober and his depression but last night it was just him drunk off his ass trying to convince me that he doesn't have a problem."
"That's what today has been like, he is in denial."
"I don't know if it's denial, he keeps mixing the alcohol and pills and drugs with his depression and I think that is making it worse. Just keep an eye on him."
"I am tired of just keeping an eye on him. It's obviously not working. We have to do something Brian. I'm worried that he's going to become suicidal again. You remember that don't you?"
"Yes and I wish it had never happened. I will try to get it out of him."
"Good luck!" I meant it in a sarcastic way and also a literal way. The way Gerard was acting, you were lucky if you could get him to talk about anything.
I had reached the bus door, I opened it and ascended the steps quietly. Making my way to the bunk room, I checked on Gerard. He was still there. I was tempted to wait up a little while longer until he woke up but I decided I was too tired. I climbed into bed and fell asleep.

Gerard's POV

I heard a sound penetrate through my head phones as Ray returned to the bus. I lay still and started slowing my breathing so as to look like I was asleep. Ray pulled the curtain aside and then closed it after a moment. As soon as he did, I checked the time, it was 4:30. I waited a few minutes until I could hear his snoring and then as quietly as I could, I got out of my bunk and made for the door. I stumbled down the steps but managed to keep from falling down.
I walked over to a bench under a street lamp and sat down before I fell down. I don't know why I'm having this much trouble standing up, I didn't drink anywhere near the amount I usually do. Ugh. I need pills.
I pull out my phone and dial the number I have memorized by now. It only rings once before he picks up.
"Hello, how was today?"
"It was good, the show went well and I feel pretty good. I haven't been able to sleep though. I slept for a long time earlier." I tried to keep the conversation away from what everybody insisted on calling a "problem". I knew it wouldn't last but it was worth a try.
"I'm glad the show went well but that's not what this call is about Gee, and you know it."
"What do I know Brian?" I asked with the same amount of heat in my voice as he had in his.
"You know a lot less then you think you do."
"Really? And what makes you say that?" I ask with sarcasm in my voice.
"You think you've kept your drug addiction a secret. Well you haven't. Ray figured it out Gerard. Now spit it out what did McKraken give you?!"
I remained silent for a long time. How the fuck did Ray figure it out. I thought I was being careful. A knot formed in the back of my throat and when I spoke I stuttered.
"I-I don't have an addiction."
"Yes you do Gerard. Just fucking admit it already so we can get you help."
"I don't need help! I don't know what you are talking about!"
"I also know that you were drunk today. What the fuck is wrong with you Gee?! You are destroying yours and everybody around you's life! Mikey is a wreak and Frank and Bob is just trying to ignore it and give you space but that's not what you need. You need help!" I was almost crying now and I didn't trust my self to speak. There was no way that doing the things I like is bad for my friends. Is it? No way.
"I'll talk to you later Brian. I can't deal with this right now." My voice cracked.
"Don't you dare hang up this phone Gerard! Stop running from your problems you coward!" I brought the phone away from my ear and pressed the end call button on the key board. I silence my phone so that if Brian tries to call back I won't wake anybody up. Then the tears started running down my face. My friends finding out about me doing drugs was my worst fear and now that Ray and Brian knew, Frank and Bob will probably be toldtomorrow. Mikey will find out soon enough. God dammit! I get up and start slowly walking to the bus, hoping the tears will stop before I wake anybody up. It takes a few minutes but by the time I reach the door, I am wiping the remnants from my eyes.
I climb the steps to the sound of my friends snoring. It's dark everywhere. I head the the bathroom and search around for Ray's bag. I find it in the Cabinet under the sink and dig around until I find the remaining Xanax pills. I pop three in my mouth and then try to put Ray's bag back the way it was with limited success. I hope he won't notice.
Then I leave the bathroom and get into my bed hoping for a good few hours of medicated sleep.

Notes