5 days of rock bottomness

Gerard’s POV

I forced my eyes open, my face was pressed against the ground. I must have blacked out after snorting all the crack and drinking all the beer I could get my hands on. I remembered stumbling out of “The Used” tour bus and puking several times before I blacked out. I have a memory hole and now I’m here. Through my blurry vision I see painted yellow lines. I must be in the road. Good. Maybe someone will run me over.
My breathing is heavy and I can feel feel my stomach convulsing. There isn’t anything to puke up anymore. I felt like crap and fresh tears started to fill my eyes, the pain was just too much to bear anymore. Why the fuck am I crying? I did this to myself! I wanted this!
The weight of the last few days comes crashing down all at once. Why am I so sad all the time? Why does it have to be this way? Why am I so fucked up? Why did I do this to myself? Why do I hate living? Why do I hate myself? Why have I not killed myself by now? So many questions I will never know the answer to. This ends tonight.
Despite my resolution, I can’t seem to force myself up. I lay there with tears streaming down my face and I start to think how it would be without me here. Would My Chemical Romance be over? probably not. They would just find someone else to fill my spot. Would Mikey be lonely? No. He probably hates me. I’m horrible to him. What about Frank, Ray and Bob? They could forget. They would have to.
I was in hysterics now. I couldn’t seem to stop wailing like a little baby. The people I loved and cared about wouldn’t even care that I was gone. They would all move on with their lives and mine would end tonight. I wish I could give them something other than worry. It wasn’t worry for me, they were worried that I would screw up the band, that I would give them a bad reputation. This is my gift to them. When I’m gone they won’t have to worry anymore. And then I can rest in peace knowing that they didn’t have to live with such a shitty person anymore.
I have finally won the battle of getting off the ground when my phone rings. I let it ring a few times while I try to collect myself and then I reluctantly press the talk button. I don’t bother checking the caller ID. I already know who it is. Once again, I’m a good actor. I’m going to make it seem like I’m okay.
“Hello?” I groan into the phone and clutch my stomach as a wave of pain washes over me.
“Are you okay? I’ve been expecting your call for half an hour.” Brian answers back.
“Oh, sorry I just woke up.” he sighs.
“Are you hi?” When I don’t answer back he continues. “Gerard, Ray told me. You’ve been cutting and you’re suicidal again. Please just let us help you. You will feel better, I know people that have gone through this before.”
“It’s too late for that. You can’t fix me.” I say, quickly abandoning my act.
“No Gerard, it’s not too late. Let us help you, please! We love you! Do you not understand that you are the reason My Chemical Romance exists! Please, we love you and I know that it’s hard for you to see it right now but we need you!”
“You don’t need me. I’m just a burden.” The tears started running down my face. “ All I’m capable of is taking pills, getting drunk and… and…I just can’t do it anymore! I want it to end! I want to die!”
“That’s not true Gerard! Please don’t say that you want to die. You are going to be okay!” My sobbs turn into a demented sort of laugh.
“You don’t seem to understand Brian! I AM NOT OKAY! I am sitting in the middle of the fucking street, hoping a semi will run me over, because guess what I did all night?! I got fucking wasted and I snorted so much fuckin’ cocain that even as we speak, I am on the verge of an overdose! It’s gone too far Brian! This is complete and utter bullshit!” The laugh breaks down into sobbs again.
He speaks in a hushed voice that I guess is meant to be calming.“okay...okay, it’s okay. Do I need to call an ambulance? Gerard please stop crying. We can help you. Will let us help you? I wish it wasn’t cocaine but thank you for telling me. It’s okay, it’s okay. Gerard! Answer me Goddammit!” He puts more force behind the last sentence.
“You can’t help me. I’m going to end it tonight.” My voice cracked.
“What?! No! don’t do that! Think about your brother and your friends! They will be devastated! If you want them to be happy you have to get better! You have to live!”
“I just can’t do it anymore Brian! I hate myself so much that I can’t see strait!”
“Don’t let the drugs and the depression and the alcohol win Gerard! You are stronger than this! Find it in yourself! If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for us! ” If it was possible I started crying harder. Until now I had refused to think that anybody cared about me. Was it really possible? Was my mind clouded by self hate? Why am I like this? How did it get this far? Will I ever know the answer to these questions? I haven’t decided yet.
“I’m trying… I’m trying! I need help Brian! I can’t do it!”
“Yes you can Gerard! You are strong! You can do it.”
“I am weak! This is like crushing me under a boulder and I can’t get out! It’s like being lost in a cave and I can’t see the light anymore!” I started coughing.
“That’s your depression Gee. It is normal to be depressed at some point in your life! You are not alone! You will feel better if we get all the drugs out of your system.” I sniffed,
“How do you know?” he sighed.
“You would be surprised how many people have this problem Gerard.” He sighs. “When I was a kid, my Dad was like you. He was depressed and he turned to alcohol, medication and drugs to get him through it. One overdose later, he was in a rehab center and after he got out, everybody's lives were so much better. I know you can do it Gerard. You are strong!” My vision flashed and I saw a speck of light in the dark of the cave. The dot grew closer and as it did, a picture started to form. I saw my friends, standing together and smiling. Then they reach out their hands to me. I stare, not sure if I want saving. But then I lift my hand and they tackle me in hugs.
The vision fades. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
“Okay… okay. I will try...” I coughed out. It was hard to believe what was coming out of my mouth. Had he really just talked me down? And I let him?
He breathed out a pent up sigh of relief. I sobbed quietly into my knees which were now pulled up to my chest. I was still in the middle of the road.
“Hey! Hey! It’s okay you can stop crying. Its okay Gee. I wish I could be there for you.” He spoke gently and it helped calm me down.
“It’s not okay… I’m screwed up Brian. I need help. I still want to die.” It wasn’t like suicidal thoughts just left you alone. They took a long time to recover from.
“I understand… go wake up your tour manager. Jerry will watch you until the others wake up. I’ll call him now so you don’t have to explain it to him.”
“Thanks… I’ll go now.” My crying had reduced to a few sniffles.
“I can’t tell you how proud I am of you Gerard. I promise, we are going to fix you.”
“Okay, bye” I said in a raw, raspy voice.
“Bye Gee.” He hung up. I sat there in silence for a few moments before dragging myself to the sidewalk and using a street lamp to pull myself up. Once I had gained my feet, I started slowly walking in what I was pretty sure was the direction of the bus. My mind felt numb from too much thinking.
When I finally reached the parking lot of wherever we had played last night, I made my way through the numerous parked campers, trailers and trucks, Finally finding Jerry’s mobile home. I hesitated before knocking on the door. I waited a few moments and when the door swung open I let out a cry of surprise as I was enveloped in the arms of our big tour manager.
“Sorry to scare you! I hear you need some help?” He was always such a happy person. Why can’t I be like him?
“I just need to not be alone right now” I replied with my bloodshot eyes cast to the ground.
“Alright then! I think I can be of assistance.” he pulled me inside.
“Can I have some water?” I asked timidly.
“Of course you can!” He said cheerily.


At about 7 o’clock that morning, Jerry walked me back to the bus. With me not having the energy to explain, Jerry made my band mates leave me alone with the excuse that I would explain when I woke up. I collapsed into my bunk to get some much needed sleep. Less than two hours ago, I had been plotting my own death.

Notes