Three Words You Never Want To Hear

hat first day and night spent with Gerard was one of the best of my life.

I can't tell you how many times I've replayed every moment in my mind since he left. Every small detail of that evening is etched forever into my mind. His hair, mid-trimmed and messy, his eyes, hazel and filled with love, his mouth, smooth against my own. Oh, how much I wish I could have him back.

My mother has repeatedly told me to move on, but she doesn't understand that it's not that simple. I don't think I'll ever move on. No one can ever replace my Gerard.

My mother had entered the room, a worried frown that had been glued to her face for months.

She made her way over to me, acting with care as if she were treading on grenades that would explode with even the slightest touch. I didn't need this. She had been attached to my hip the moment the...news had reached me.

The woman seemed to think I'd commit suicide the moment she left me alone. Well, she wasn't too far off, and she wasn't being completely over the top. I had been a mess since..since the incident, not bathing, talking, eating, sleeping, well, the list goes on.

I had signed. I didn't need yet another lecture. Nothing could fix me.

"Frank," she sighed, sitting next to me. "I know what you're going through can't be easy. In fact, if I ever lost someone that meant that much to me, like you, I don't know what I'd do with myself."

She waited for me to answer. It was a short pause however. We both knew I wouldn't say anything. I hadn't spoken for so long, I'd almost forgotten what my voice sounded like.

But I like the silence. It was comforting.

"You have to realise how much you're hurting your family, Frank," she made to put her hand on my shoulder, but thought better of it. "Sweetheart, you can talk to me about anything. I won't judge. I have no idea how you must be feeling, but how can I when you won't allow me understand?

"You've always been a caring soul, Frank, and it kills me to watch you crumble away like this. You need to stop punishing yourself for this. This wasn't your fault." She tried to catch my gaze, but I just continued to stare into space. "Please, Frank. I can't stand to watch my son fall apart like this. I'm so worried about you. Please, let me help you."

Her efforts had been pointless of course. Why should I have let her in? She couldn't understand, she wouldn't.

She'd never feel the pain that stabbed me ever second of the day and night. The whole inside my chest, it was so empty. I felt like nothing mattered anymore.

Why did I show that memory, further in the future then any of the other memories I've shared so far?

Because maybe then you'll understand why that first date was so significant. It may have been just as normal as any other first date, to you, but to me it was the best day of my life. Sure, I didn't know it at the time, but how could I have?

When I returned home the next day, it had only taken Gerard an hour to call me. He'd said he'd wanted to 'hear my voice again', and that he 'missed me already.'

At the time, I had questioned why Gerard would miss me considering we'd only been on one date. I supposed he could be telling the truth, considering we'd known each other for years before.

"I'll come over again soon if you'd like? Or maybe you can come to mine?" I'd offered.

"Oh, but we still need to go on our second date," he hinted.

I laughed. This was so Gerard. "Our second date can be at my place then. It only seems fair, I mean, our first date was at your house, so what better place to have it?"

He seemed hesitant. "Are you sure? Wouldn't you rather go to a restaurant or the movies maybe?"

"Why so set against coming to my place?" I joked.

"No, no, your place sounds great, I just don't want you to feel like you have to invite me."

"Of course I'm gonna invite you, I want you to see me play my guitar!"

"Oh, that sounds great! Can I bring my sketch pad?" He squealed down the phone, nearly deafening me.

"Yeah, bring whatever you want," I chuckled. He was so easy to please. "Does tomorrow sound good?"

There was a pause. I waited anxiously for an answer. "Actually, Frank, I was kinda wondering if we could, y'know, have our second date today."

My eyes widened in shock. He certainly was eager to see me. I grinned. "You can come whenever you want. I'm not doing anything right now."

"Good, I'll be over in five," he'd replied instantly. "See you later!"

I'd spent the next few minuets rushing about the house, trying to clean up as fast as I could. I'd then realised I was still in my clothes from last night, and I started panicking. There was no way I'd be dressed on time.

That was when the door bell had rung. I'd rushed to answer it, temporarily forgetting my worries.

His beaming face was right there, and it had caught me off guard. I'd almost forgotten how gorgeous he was.

"You gonna let me in?" He teased, clearly I was gaping for too long.

"S-sure," I stuttered, moving out the way.

He stepped in and took a long look around the room. He smiled, seeming pleased with my living room, and made his way to the couch. I followed close behind him, sitting opposite.

"So, what's for dinner?" He asked, looking towards the kitchen.

"Well, I didn't really have time to plan.."

"Let's see what you have!"

He pulled me from the couch, holding my hand as we entered the tiny kitchen. He walked straight to the fridge, looking through what I had.

"Eager, are we?" I laughed, sitting on the counter top next to the freezer.

He pulled out some lunch meat, ham, chicken, and various others. "Just hungry," he shrugged, a small smirk set on his lips.

I watched him as he started to prepare a meat roll for us each. I frowned. A sanwhich hardly seemed like an adequate meal for dinner, especially on a second date. I wanted to make this night special for us.

I jumped from the freezer, making him jump. "We aren't having sandwhiches for dinner," I said, taking the meat from him. "I have a little more class than to serve that to my guests."

He raised an eyebrow. "What are we going to eat, then?"

I considered this. I wanted to make something special, but I wasn't sure what I had in the freezer. I walked over to it, feeling the cold air as soon as it was open.

I hadn't been shopping for a little while, but I seemed to have quite a selection. I smiled, knowing exactly what I would do.

"You're going to go wait in the living room, and I'm going to prepare the food," I insisted, pushing him out the door.

He looked taken aback, but he quickly recovered. "But I want to spend time with you, Frank. How can I do that if we're in separate rooms?"

A look of urgency had taken over his features, making me immediately feel guilty. "Alright, you can stay and watch, but I wanted it to be a surprise."

"I won't look," he promised.

The next few hours were spent in the kitchen, me slaving over the oven with Gerard shooting me constant questions. I wondered if he would ever stop being so curious about my life. I realise now that even until the very end, all he wanted was to learn more about me. I tried to answer every one of his questions to the best of my ability, but sometimes I would grow wry of them.

"Okay, you've asked me about my pets, favourite food, school, is there anything else you liked to know?" I snapped.

A hurt look crossed his beautiful face. I instantly felt guilty. "I'm sorry, Frank. I just want to get to know you, like I said. But I guess it's fair if you want to ask me something."

I racked my brain for something to ask him. I knew what I really wanted to know, but of course, that was out of the question. I settled on something less important. I remembered the drawing I had seen of myself in his sketch pad. "Why did you draw me before?"

He looked embarised by the question. I thought I saw him blush. "I- I was thinking about how I hadn't really gotten to know you during High School. I couldn't remember a time when I had actually taken my eyes from my sketch pad and made an effort to talk to you. I felt so.. guilty. I'd always been so fascinated by you, but I tried not to let it show," he had that look on his face again, the one I'd always want to wipe away. "When I first met you, I thought you were gorgeous. At first I thought it was just a little crush, and because I wasn't aware of your sexual preference, I didn't make a move.

"Mikey was best friends with you, how could I anyway? Even if you were gay, it would be so wierd for him. I didn't know if he'd be okay with it," he shook his head, chuckling. "If only I had known how accepting he'd be. Not only that, I was scared you wouldn't return my advances, even if you did like guys. I wasn't very confident back then."

It had taken me a while to realise he was meant to be answering a particular question. "So, you were just thinking of me and decided to draw me?"

I tried to forget the tightening in my chest at his words. I couldn't believe he has even thought about me so early on. After all this time, he had liked me just as much as I had. We had wasted so many years, years I could never and would never get back.

"Yeah," he smiled, looking straight into my eyes. My heart fluttered. "But it was a little more than that. I wanted to capture your every feature, to really try and understand you. As if by drawing you, I understood you a little more. Not true of course, because I didn't even know your second name."

A thought occurred to me. Did he know my middle name? He seemed to be thinking the same thing, before I blurted out. "Anthony. My middle name is Anthony."

He smiled, grateful that he hadn't had to ask, I assumed. "See what I mean? And yet, you probably know mine."

It was true, I did know his. But only because Mikey had told me. "You can't seriously tell me Mikey hadn't told you anything about me in all the years he knew me? We were best friends, there's no way he wouldn't tell you something about me."

I felt the truth of my words. He had been my best friend. And yet, I had been spending much more time with Gerard. Hadn't Mikey been the one to call me first? He must have wanted to see me for a reason, and I felt guilty for neglecting him. Sure, we had hung out at Gerard's, but I still felt guilty. I would have to make an effort to meet up with him. And alone this time.

Gerard sighed. "He told me little about you. Said you were a great guy, always had his back. I didn't pressure him for much information, I didn't want to give myself away. You see, I didn't even talk to my family much back then. I was a depressed teenager, avoiding social interaction as much as possible."

"Why were you depressed?" It hurt me to think he had been hurting back then.

He hesistated. "I just didn't feel like I fit in much."

It was such a short answer, I wondered if there was more to it. "I sometimes felt that way myself, but that was no reason to get depressed."

"I know, I wasn't exactly the most clever boy," he joked. "But y'know, I didn't have many friends."

"That's hard to believe," I commented. Gerard was so likeable, it was so hard to imagine anyone not immediately liking him. Mind you, he had come off as slightly intimidating at first. I pushed this thought away. "You have friends now though."

"Yeah," he seemed to cheer up. "Is the dinner done yet?"

The conversation seemed to calm down a little after that. He went back to asking me questions, but this time he allowed me to ask him questions too.

I was grateful for this, I felt like I was doing most of the answering most of the time. He asked me more about my guitar, asking me what songs I could play, the songs I'd written, my inspirations. He'd even asked me if I could attempt to teach him to play.

"I thought you said you sucked," I said as innocently as an could.

He didn't seem offended. "I do, but maybe it was just because I didn't have the right teacher."

"Okay, okay, I'll teach you sometime," he squealed with excitement. "You just have to be patient. I'll need to teach you how to tune it first."

"Piece of cake," he scoffed, sending a wink my way.

"You won't be saying that when we start."

When the food was done, Gerard looked impressed.

I'd made starter first, fries with ketchup in a separate bowl. I'd laid two cups of wine on the table, and also had potatoe chips in a bowl. Gerard seemed to be impressed, but I couldn't tell if he was trying to humour me.

"Classy," he chuckled, taking his seat opposite me.

Well, that confirmed my suspicions. Of course he wasn't impressed, this wasn't exactly a first class dinner. "The main meal will be better."

We sat silent for a while, just staring at each other. But with Gerard, I didn't feel the need to fill the silence. I felt comfortable around him. We were both at ease by just looking each other and enjoying each other's company.

I wondered what on earth this big secret was. Looking back now, I was a little dim. All the signs were there, I should have seen it coming. His hair seemed a little different, and I had tried to put my finger on it. It looked like it had been trimmed or something.

His eyes were bloodshot. Had he been sleeping at all? The way he kept talking about wanting to get go know me and not wasting time. It all freaked me out, but I couldn't put my finger on it. Like I said, I was dim.

Maybe he was going to move away? The thought left me breathless. I couldn't imagine life without him now. Sure, we'd only just started dating, but I felt different around him.

Just as he was about to say something, the phone rang.

I went to answer it, expecting it to be my mother. However, the weak voice down the phone was familiar.

"Mikey?" I gaped, and Gerard's fork clashed with the plate as he dropped it.

"Gerard, I - I can't find Gerard!" He gasped, clearly breathless. His voice had a little more strength to it, probably because he was so worried about him.

I signed in relief. "He's fine, Mikey, he's right here."

Gerard's face was a mask of no emotion. Was there something he was trying to hide? He always wore the same mask when his brother was around. Again I wondered if they'd had a fight.

"Oh," gasped Mikey. "Sorry. He didn't tell me he was coming over."

He sounded angry. I worried about getting Gerard into trouble. Clearly something was going on between them, I didn't want to make it worse.

"Oh, that's probably because I came to pick him up out of the blue," I lied, and Gerard looked shocked. I looked away, avoiding his gaze. "Sorry, I should've left a note or something."

"It's okay," Mikey said, almost a whisper. "I have to go."

And like that, he had hung up.

There was clear tension in the room as I made my way back to my seat.

Should I ask him about Mikey? Would he tell me, or just blow it off? I thought about the time Gerard had nearly told me everything at the park. Would I even want answers?

I decided to ask anyway. I didn't want to make it so obvious though. "That was Mikey," I said, and he nodded. "He just wanted to know where you were, he seemed really worried."

Pain shot across his face, but he hid it well afterwards. "Did you let him know I was okay?"

We both knew I had. "Yeah, I took the blame. He seemed pretty mad."

Gerard sighed. He wasn't touching any of his food. "You shouldn't have done that."

"No, no it's fine. I didn't want you guys fighting or anything."

"Why would we fight?"

The question was so fierce, I wondered what was going through his mind. I knew I had to persue this further now.

"I just meant that he seemed mad you didn't tell him where you were going, so I took the blame just in case he got mad at you," I said, getting a little annoyed. "A thank you would be nice."

"Thank you," he whispered, looking away.

"Gerard, let me help you," I said, putting my hand on his. He flinched a little, but didn't move.

"I already told you, I can't explain anything yet," he shot at me. "I offered to tell you, but you said you didn't want to know."

"I didn't, but I'm worried about you. Am I drawing you and Mikey apart? Is that it?"

"No!" He exclaimed, taking his hand from under mine and placing both of his on top. "No, Frank, nothing is your fault. Please, don't think that. I know this is hard, but can we just enjoy our meal?"

I nodded stiffly. "Okay."

For the rest of the meal I avoided the topic, asking him random questions about his life. I found out that he enjoyed playing the Xbox a lot, which I was surprised to hear. He didn't seem the type. I offered for him to come upstairs when we were done, I had the console in my room, although I barely used it.

We finished our main meal, spaggetti and meatballs, and made our way to my room.

With a jolt I realised this was the first time he would see it. I hadn't even bothered to tidy up.

We entered my small room, much smaller than his, and he smiled taking it all in. I noticed I had left a pair of boxers on the floor, so I bent down and picked them up, throwing them quickly into the hamper.

My room was on the ground floor of course, my apartment being too small for much space. You could see the outside street from my window, about two stories down. It looked incredibly high from here.

"I like it," he smiled, pausing at the window. "You can see the whole city from here."

"Not the best view, but it's nice to have something to look at," I comment, sitting on my bed.

He turned around, watching as I pull myself further onto the bed. He seemed to be hesistating, until he finally came and sat down next to me. I got a strong sense of Deja Vu, from our last date.

"Y'know, I've been thinking, we've talked a lot these past few days. It's time we did something you want to do."

It took a while for me to process his words. This was what I had been waiting for. I didn't feel nervous, like I should, instead I felt relieved. He'd made me wait long enough.

He smirked at the expression on my face. "I'm sorry for being so strict about it, I'm just not the type to sleep with someone on the first date."

Had that been the reason all along? Maybe I had let my imagination get the best of me. When he had said that he wanted to 'make the most out of the time we had', maybe it was just a way of stopping me from forcing him into it.

"So..." I began, but then his lips were on mine, and we begun what we had been waiting for all along.

It was perfect.

Notes