Three Words You Never Want To Hear

I've always wondered; if I had told Gerard about my feelings for him earlier, would things have changed? How would my life be different to how it was now? Would I still have him with me?

Of course, I know the answer to that. No.

Even if I had declared my love for Gerard the day I had laid eyes on him, he still would've been ripped from my grasp. Sure, I would've been able to spend more time with him, but life still would've had it's revenge on my happiness and taken him from me.

I still remember the feel of his hand against mine as we'd casually stroll through the park, as if we didn't have a care in the world. Of course, at that moment I really didn't have anything to worry about. If only I had known that Gerard had this huge secret on his shoulders, waying him down and making him go insane.

On the outside, a smile was always etched onto his face. I had never realised what hid behind that smile, the monster that hid itself deep within him, waiting to take away his life.

I can still feel the warmth of his breathe on my face when he lent in to kiss me, his strong comforting arms around me when I needed him most. I wish I could've been there more for him, if I had known, I would've stopped him from comforting me when I stressed over something unimportant.

So, I stood at the front door of the Way household, more nervous than I had ever been in my life. I braced myself to knock on the door, first checking my outfit over for anything out of place.

I had chosen to wear a blue button down shirt, short sleeved with no top on underneath. I had the top two buttons undone, hoping this looking casual enough for a first date. I wore black skinny jeans and black converses to match.

I had sprayed myself with a little deodorant, but not too much. I didn't want to come off as trying too hard.

I knocked on the door as hard as I could. I didn't have to wait long for Mikey to open the door, still looking as gloomy as he had before. I had wondered why he was so depressed these days, but decided it wasn't my buisness. Turns out, it was.

"Hey, Gerard's upstairs in his room." Mikey forced a smile as I stepped through the door.

I made to take my converses off, but Mikey told me to keep them on. I walked up the stairs, my nerves growing by the second. Photos of Mikey and Gerard were hung all the way up, with them both getting older as I got further to the top.

I could see Gerard's door, which I recognised from my visits when I was younger. It had changed a little, it was no longer cover in drawings he had done, but had a couple posters of bands that he liked. I smiled, opening the door.

Gerard sat at his desk, intent on a drawing. He wore no shirt, which mad me feel really over dressed and embarrassed, and black skinny jeans too. He wore no shoes, just wore socks.

He didn't even turn as I closed the door and sat on the bed opposite him. I watched intently as he drew, getting a sense of de ja vu at the moment, and I grinned. I had always loved watching him draw.

He eventually turned around to face me, and I had to contain myself as I took in the sight of his body. I licked my lips involuntarily, and I noticed I was staring. I looked up into his eyes and noticed that he had combed his hair for once.

"Sorry about that, I can't help but get sucked into my work when I start." He laughed, combing his hand through his hair. "Do you wanna see it?"

I nodded and made my way over to his desk. He pulled out another old chair and I sat down next to him, observing his work. He had drawn an eagle soaring across the sky, with a silhouette of a man on the back of it. The drawing was surreal and had a sad element to it that I couldn't put my finger on.

"Wow, this is amazing." I said, genuinely impressed. "What gave you the idea for this?"

Gerard smiled, looking away. "I- It's personal." He stuttered, which I had found incredibly cute. He had never gotten nervous in front of anyone before, as far as I knew.

I made to flick through the book, and Gerard nodded in approval. I liked all of his drawings, he was an incredible artist. I couldn't understand why he didn't do this as a profession. One piece in particular really caught my attention however.

Gerard had tried to snatch the book away, but it was too late. I picture of my face, drawn with so much detail it was as if I were looking in the mirror. I blushed, I couldn't help it. He had drawn me.

He hadn't drawn anyone else in his book, and it had made me feel appreciated. "This is so life like it's unreal. Seriously, for a second I thought I was looking at myself in the mirror."

Gerard seemed confused as to why I hadn't asked him why he had drawn it. He smiled shyly; "You really think so?"

"Totally. Dude, you should draw self portraits for people, you'd make tons of cash."

He chuckled. "I don't really feel comfortable with someone else taking home my work. I mean, I know they'd be paying for it, but it just wouldn't feel right."

"Really?" I asked, genuinely interested. "If someone wanted me to head to the studio and record some of my music, I'd jump at the chance."

"It's just different for some artists. I draw what inspires me and means the most to me, my drawings are personal. I couldn't draw some stranger I'd only just met. It wouldn't feel right." He tried to explain, and I closed the book to face him completely.

I had noticed that he had said he only drew what he cared most about, and I had had to hid my blush. "I think I get what you mean. But for a musician you want your music to be heard, even if it is personal. That way people can relate to it."

Gerard laughed. "Somehow, I don't think people could relate to a drawing of you."

I had chuckled too, really understanding what he had meant then. This had been the first time I had really had a real conversation with Gerard, and I felt stupid for being nervous just a few minuets ago. I relaxed, knowing that everything was going to be okay.

Before, I had been very aware of the fact that we were in his bedroom, which was a pretty intimate place to be for a first date. But now that I had settled in, I felt much more comfortable.

"Why don't we move over to the bed?" Gerard asked, and then he saw the expression on my face and realised his mistake. "No, no, I didn't mean that sexually, I just thought it'd be more comfortable than these old rusty chairs."

I laughed as we sat down on his bouncy bed. It really was more comfortable. "Where did you get them anyway?"

"Oh, they're hand downs from my brother's room. I now right, he gets the new stuff and I have to use it when he's done."

"Well, they aren't too bad. At least you can sit down while you draw. Otherwise you'd have to stand."

I couldn't help but notice how close Gerard was sitting. The bed smelt like him, a smell I can't describe, but it was gorgeous. We were leant against the wall, which was actually more comfortable than you'd think.

Gerard looked down at himself and seemed to realise he was shirtless. "Oh man, you should've told me I was practically naked, look at me. No wonder you got the wrong idea about moving over to the bed."

He got up to put on his shirt, and I gave a tiny sigh of disapointment. "Don't worry, I've seen you shirtless before."

Gerard raised his eyebrows at me. "You have, have you?"

Oh, man. Why did I say that? I had thought to myself. "Y-yeah. Y'know, when I used to come here after school with Mikey. You always had your shirt off."

Gerard chuckled, holding his ribs dramatically. "Oh man, you should've seen your face! I was just kidding, I remember."

I definelty blushed this time. "That was cruel." I pouted, folding my arms.

Gerard laughed, jumping back onto the bed right next to me. And I mean, right next to me. I could literally feel his leg against mine, and it sent a chill up my spine. I had tried to stay cool.

"Aw, come on Frankie, please forgive me!" He lent close to me, his face inches from mine.

As much as it pained me to do so, I turned from him shaking my head playfully. There was nothing I wanted more than to have his face that close to me, and I was glad to see that he was leaning in again.

"Come on, Frankie, please?"

I turned my face to him, and I hadn't realised how close he had been. My lips brushed lightly against his, and my breathing hitched. Gerard seemed just as shocked as me, and he just stayed there frozen for a while.

Our lips were still touching, we weren't kissing, just staring into each other's eyes. I hadn't known whether to make a move, we had only been on this 'first date' for like ten minuets and things were already getting heated.

Gerard groaned, as if in deat, and pulled away from me. The disapointment was probably more than evident on my face.

"So, do you forgive me?" He asked, trying to sound teasing.

I struggled to speak, but then I managed to say; "No, I don't. Not now at least."

He had looked at me in concern, but I just shook my head and leant forward towards his face again, stopping how we had been a few seconds ago. My hand was placed in between the gap of his legs, dangerously close to his crutch.

Gerard's eyes widened as I pressed my lips ever so lightly to his. It was barely a kiss, but it was enough to make him groan. "Frankie." He muttered, his eyelashes flicking.

I went to lean away, but he grabbed the back of my neck, gripping my hair gently as he pulled me back in front of him. I straddled his lap without even meaning to, and he began slowly kissing me.

The feeling was pure bliss, and I licked his lips, asking for entrance. He pulled away however. "I think we need to draw a few boundaries." He smiled, and I climbed off of his lap.

"Well, could you take off your shirt at least?" I had smirked, and he smirked back.

"Only if you say you forgive me."

"Okay, okay, I forgive you." I cried, and he pulled his shirt off.

I had stared for a while, and Gerard just stared back with a look of amusement on his face. "Man, are you gonna stop drooling any time soon?"

I blushed, tearing my eyes away. "It's not my fault you wanted to lay boundaries."

"Frank, it's only our first date, I don't wanna ruin it. We should get to know each other, have fun."

"What I was imagining would've allowed us to get to know each other and have fun." I hadn't known where my confidence was coming from, but I was liking this side of me.

Gerard looked tempted for a few seconds, but then got up from the bed and stood in front of me. I wondered what he was up to, I missed the feeling of him being so close. "Tell you what, why don't we go sit in the garden for a bit."

It was my turn to raise my eyebrows. I liked being in the bedroom, mainly for the possibly of what might have happened in it. In the garden we'd be in public, sort of, and there was no chance of anything happening. I wondered why on earth he would want to sit in the garden, wouldn't that be kind of boring?

Gerard caught on to my mood. "Aw, come on Frank. I want to talk to you, get to know you."

"You've known me for years." I groaned as he held my hand and helped me up from his bed.

"Yeah, but I regret that I never took the time to talk to you. I like staring at you, but I feel like we should get to know each other more mentally before we get physical." He winked, and I had had to admit he had a good point.

In fact, now I realise that I should have listened to him more when he wanted moments to talk like this, because soon enough I wouldn't be able to hear his voice.

"Okay." I sighed, defeated. I followed him out and down the stairs, where we bumped into Mikey.

"You okay, Mikes?" Gerard sounded really concerned, and my curiosity kicked in again. What weren't they telling me?

Mikey nodded and put a hand on his brother's shoulder as he passed them. Gerard was silent until they reached the small garden. The garden didn't have much in it, just a couple plants lined up around the outside and a chair swing in the middle. We sat down, and for a few minuets we were silent.

"Why is Mikey always so down?" I asked, and Gerard looked at me.

"It's complicated, Frank. I really can't tell you right now, please trust me." The look of sincerity on his face told me he was more than serious.

"Does have anything to do with what we were talking about at mine?"

Gerard sighed. "Yeah. But like I told you, I can't tell you right now. There will be a moment for that, but right now let's just enjoy ourselves."

Looking back now, I still can't decide if I'm mad at Gerard for keeping it a secret. In a way I am because of the decisions he had been making behind my back, which had initially led to the end of his life. Mikey had apparently been trying to change Gerard's mind which was the reason for his depression, but Gerard refused.

On the other hand, I was glad that Gerard hadn't told me right away, that way I just enjoyed my time with him and didn't even think about the future. If I had known at the time I would've been too focused on the future to actually hold a conversation with him.

"So, you want to get to know me? Where do we begin?" I had smirked, and his expression became suddenly brighter.

He crossed his legs and faced me as the swing rocked gently back and forth. "Why don't we start with family?"

"Family?" I had raised my eyebrows, at the time it seemed like a stupid idea.

"Yeah. Y'know the people you're related to." He teased. "Tell me about your parents first."

I copied his actions and crossed my legs. "Okay, well Mikey must've told you that my dad's name is Frank too, 'cause I was named after him." Gerard nodded eagerly. "My mom's name is Linda and my parents divorced when I was young."

"How old were you?" He enquired, and I was glad he didn't do the usual 'I'm sorry to hear about that', that I always got from people.

"It's hard to remember, but I think I was around four or five." I hadn't known what else to say, but Gerard had looked so entranced in what I was saying. "My dad hasn't been around since, so I have no idea what he's doing for a living or where he is."

"He hasn't tried to contact you at all?"

I had paused, not knowing if I wanted to expose so much of myself to Gerard on our first date. I had decided to just go with it, I had never opened up to anyone before, but it felt kind of reliving. I'm glad I did open up to him, because he knew everything about me before he left.

"No, my mom tried contacting him at first, I mean, she was heartbroken. But he wouldn't answer her calls, and eventually she gave up." I had shrugged, trying to come off as not being too bothered. "It's his loss I guess."

"How do you feel about him leaving? Do you remember him?"

"Geez, Gerard. You sure do have a lot of questions." I had joked, but he looked completely serious. "I don't really miss him, I mean, I can't even remember what he looked like. My mom showed me a photo before, but it was very blurred and he was only in the background."

"Would you have liked to get to know him, Frankie?" Gerard asked soothingly.

"From what my mom's told me, no." I had been about to leave it at that and talk about something else, but Gerard's expression told me he wanted to hear more. My mouth obliged. "She said he was pretty violent towards her sometimes, but he never actually hurt her. He'd just shout over anything and act weird if she tried to go out with some friends."

"The controlling type, eh?" Gerard nodded. "So where does your mom work?"

"At a local clothes store, Madame Maxine's or something."

"Oh, I love that shop!" Gerard squealed, making me jump.

I started laughing. "It's a woman's shop!" I cried, wiping away my tears as he pushed me away playfully.

"It has some good clothes in there, and the people are really nice!" Gerard argued, blushing like crazy.

"Find some nice dresses in there?" I joked.

Gerard rolled his eyes and stuck his tounge out. "The jeans and some of the hats are nice. They're pretty unisex okay?"

"Whatever you say!"

I had looked across the garden, deep in thought. There had been something I had been about to say about my parents, but I couldn't out my finger on it. Then I remembered.

"My mom did tell me my dad tried to get me to play drums from a young age, so I guess he had to be a pretty cool guy to do that."

Gerard smiled. "Were you any good at it?"

I remembered the home videos my mom had shown me of a tiny plastic drum set. I had sat on a little wooden stall and used my dad's favourite drum sticks. I smiled at the memory. "I watched a few home videos of me on a small plastic kit, and my dad leant me his sticks. I was pretty awful, even for a kid. Seriously, I had to turn it off halfway through, it was hurting my ears!" I dramatically held my hands to my ears.

Gerard chuckled. "I'm sure you weren't that bad, give a kid a drum set to whack and they'll all sound as awful as each other." He paused. "I know someone that could teach you."

I turned to face him. "I don't think that would be a good idea. I'm more of a guitar man."

"Well, if you ever want to kick it up a notch and play more than one instrument, you know who to ask."

A thought had occurred to me. Had Gerard played any instruments? I knew he could draw, but I'd never thought about his as being a musician.

"Do you play any instruments?"

Now it was Gerard's turn to laugh. He shook his head. "Me, play an instrument? That's a great joke?"

"Care to elaborate?"

"Let's just say instruments and I don't get along."

"Oh, so I have to explain every detail of my personal life and you won't tell me why you think you playing an instrument is funny? Come on, Gerard, I want to get to know you too."

He stopped laughing and turned to look at me. He had been staring at the same plant I had. "Alright, fine. My friend, Ray, tried to teach me how to play an acoustic guitar, and it went horribly wrong. Seriously, let me play your's one day and you'll understand exactly what I mean."

"That awful?"

Gerard nodded. "So awful you'd want to run from the room as soon as I laid hands on the thing." I had doubted him at the time, but as I found out the hard way later, he really did mean it. "I tried playing the drums once too, but that was just as bad. One thing you should know about me is, don't give me an instrument to play. I'll only wreck it."

His smiled had returned and so had mine. "Surely you could okay a xylophone or a triangle?"

"Well, if you have either we can give it a try. Just remember, I warned you."

He winked and the butterflies in my stomach returned. I realised we had drifted from the subject of family, but I wasn't about to remind him of that. The more we stayed away from the subject of family, the happier I would be.

It wasn't that I didn't like talking about family, I just felt there were better things to talk about. When Gerard had starting talking about music, that was something I had been interested in. But the more I think about it now, the more I realise just how important it was to Gerard for him to get to know everything about me.

"Who are your favourite bands?" I asked, keeping away from the topic of family.

"Well, I share a lot of the same music tastes as my brother, which I'm sure he's told you about, but I like Iron Maiden, The Misfits, Pulp, Morrissey, The smiths, and tons more. It'd take me forever to tell you every band that's ever influenced me, and I'm sure it's the same for you."

I nodded in agreement. "I know what you mean. I basically listen to the same bands you and your brother are into."

"You ever been in a band?"

"I've been in a few actually. I started joining unknown bands in Jersey when I was eleven. I'm actually in a new band right now that I've just put together with a few friends. It's called Pency Prep."

"What kind of music do you guys play?"

"It's hard to say, we've been labelled 'emo' before, but only by uneducated idiots." Gerard looked disgusted when I said this. "We're more of an indie rock kind of band, I think. You should come hear us play sometime."

Gerard's face lit up like a child's on Christmas morning. "That'd be great! Where do you play?"

"It depends. Just basically any bar or venue we can get our hands on. We're playing at a local mall next week, you should come then."

"Sounds like a second date." Gerard smiled and I blushed. "So do you play guitar for your band?"

"Yeah, I do vocals too."

Gerard looked extremely impressed with this. "That's awesome. So you're like the lead singer that gets all the girls?"

"Girls?" I raised an eyebrow until he had finally realised his mistake.

"You know what I mean." He laughed. "I bet you have guy band members though. What're they like?"

I couldn't tell if I could hear a hint of jealously in his voice or if I was just getting carried away. "Shaun, John and Tim. They're nice guys, we're not really close friends, but I've got to know them better now that we're in a band."

"That's not what I meant;" he winked, and I shook my head at him.

"Am I detecting a little jealousy?"

"What?" Gerard gave a dramatic gasp. "I am not the jealous type, Mr Iero."

"Sure. So you wouldn't care if I told you that Tim is gay?"

Gerard's eyes buldged. I held back a laugh as he tried to compose himself. "I don't mind. You're with me now."

My breath caught in my throat as he leant over and kissed my cheek. I made to aim for his lips, but he pulled away quickly. I groaned in annoyance.

Gerard chuckled, looking satisfyied. "I told you I wanted to talk to you for a while."

I pouted. "We've talked already, what more do you want to know?"

Gerard stroked his chin playfully. "What's your favourite colour?"

I blinked at him, waiting for him to laugh. When no laugh came, I raised my eyebrows. "You want to know what my favourite colour is, really?" He nodded. "I'd say my favourite colour is red."

His face had lit up again, and I hadn't been able to understand why he took such pleasure in asking me such pointless questions. Of course, if I had known, I would have answered every question he fired at me, not making a joke out of his curiosity.

"My favourite colour is red too!"

I laughed at his expression. He seemed far to excited about that. "You're a wierd person, you know that?"

"I am not!" Cried Gerard, leaning over and tickling my sides.

I squealed, trying to push away from him, but he kept hold of me and continued to tickle. It got to the point where tears were streaming from my eyes, and I could barely breath. Just as I had thought he was trying to kill me, he let go.

"Oh man, you are so ticklish!" He giggled.

I stood up from the swing and stood in front of him with hands on my hips. "It's hard not to be when you tickle someone for that long!"

"Aw, come on, Frank. Admit it, you're ticklish." He stood up and stood in front of me, grabbing me by the waist.

I stepped backwards, keeping a hold of his hands. "I am not!"

"You are!" He cried, placing his face right in front of mine.

Our faces were inches apart, and my heart began racing. I could feel my palms getting sweaty, so I let go of his hands and wrapped by arms loosely around his neck. He smirked, a tiny dimple appeared by his lips, and pulled be right up against him.

The face I made must have given away how nervous I was, because he said; "Come on, Frank, I thought you wanted to get to know me better."

I had gulped. "I- I do."

Gerard moved closer so that his lips were so close to mine that if I talked, they'd be touching. I stayed still as I looked into his hazel eyes.

"How many tattoos do you have?" He whispered, his lips brushing against mine with every word he spoke. We weren't kissing exactly, but our lips would meet everytime one of us spoke, sending electricity through me.

"I- I think-" I stuttered, being extremely put off by the feeling of his lips. I couldn't think straight. "I think I have about six so far. I- I want to get more soon."

Gerard closed his eyes. I kept my eyes wide open as he asked his next question. "Why do you have 'Halloween' tattooed on your knuckles?"

It took me a while to respond. We were practically kissing, it was hard to think. "It represents my birthday, which is on Halloween."

Gerard's eyes snapped open and he pulled away so that our lips were slightly apart, no longer touching as we spoke. "Your birthday's on Halloween? That's so awesome."

I nodded. I didn't know whether to make the next move or pull away. I had been so comfortable earlier on, but then I had suddenly lost all my confidence.

Gerard seemed to notice something was bothering me, so he moved back to our previous position. This time however, he connected our lips and began softly kissing me.

It was an innocent kiss, but it felt like sparks were flying. I felt like we were so much more connected than before. We had kissed much more roughly in his bedroom, but for some reason this felt more satisfying. I pulled away and kissed his cheek.

"Why don't we go back to your room?" I asked hopefully.

Gerard unwrapped himself from me, a huge grin on his face. "Frank, this is our first date, I want it to be about getting to know you."

"Then what better way to do it then-"

'"-Frank, no. Let's go inside and talk to Mikey for a while."

I pouted once more. "Can I at least have one more kiss?"

Gerard hesistated, and at first I hadn't expected him to even respond. He stepped forward however, and grabbed the back of my neck, grabbing my hair, and pulled me straight up to him. Our lips collided with such force I almost stumbled backwards, but Gerard held me tight in his arms.

We kissed for what felt like forever, and eventually he pulled away when he felt that I was getting too excited for my own good.

He brushed his fingers through his now ruffled hair. "Well, that was-"

"-amazing." I gasped. I tried to move forwards to kiss him again, but he held me back.

"Frank-"

"-Look, Gerard, I have a little problem right now, and it needs taking care of." I winked, trying to push past his iron grip.

Gerard looked down at me and blushed. I was in so much pain right then that I didn't even feel humiliated, I just wanted to relive myself.

"If you want to take care of it, you can go have a cold shower." He said sternly, and I sighed.

"Fine, let's go talk to Mikey."

Notes