Three Words You Never Want To Hear

I stood in front of the mirror that next Monday morning staring at my reflection.

I had just been in the shower for almost an hour, as I had wanted to look my best for my meeting with Mikey and his brother. I had washed my hair throughly twice, had scrubbed my teeth, and then had had to blow dry my hair and straighten it, which took another hour.

I was incredibly nervous at the time, everytime I thought about Gerard I would grow even more nervous, and would start pacing around the room. It had taken me far too long to choose an outfit to wear, and in the end I had decided that casual would be best. I had known them both for years, so why dress formally?

I eventually chose a buttoned shirt with a black band t-shit on underneath, the shirt being unbuttoned and white. It had short sleeves, which I had thought was appropriate for the sunny weather outside, and I wore black skinny jeans to match. I had looked a lot smarter than usual, but hopefully not too noticeably so.

At the time, the way I looked was my main worry.

If only I had known that there was more to worry about than that. If only I had known why Mikey had arranged this meeting, then I wouldn't have cared how I had looked. I would've just made sure that I was understanding and helpful.

I walked into the living room and waited. It had only taken about five minuets for them to get there, and they were right on time.

"Hey," I had greeted, moving over so that they could enter the apartment.

"Hi, Frank."

I took in Mikey's appearance and was surprised at what I saw. His hair was ruffled and he wore a pair of ripped jeans and a plain t shirt. His eyes looked swollen, as if he had been crying, and when he smiled it looked forced.

He stepped past me and looked around the apartment. I noticed that Gerard was no where to be seen, so I stood waiting by the door. When he eventually appeared, I was shocked by his appearance too.

His hair looked just as messed up as Mikey's, which shocked me so much because he had always been obsessed with his appearance. I had never seen him looking so untidy, he looked even worse than Mikey. His clothes looked wrinkled as though they hadn't been ironed, and the shirt that he wore was missing a few buttons.

Nevertheless, I had never seen someone so gorgeous. Although he looked as though he hadn't slept for weeks, everything about him was perfect. In a way, I had preffered him like this, when he was trying too hard to look perfect, it made him look a little needy, although I couldn't say it made him look any less perfect than when he wasn't trying.

I hadn't realised I had been staring until he gave me a look of confusion. I shook my head and told him to come in, and he followed his brother into the living room and sat down on the couch. I sat down opposite them.

"Would you like some coffee?" I asked, trying to fill the awkward silence.

"No, thanks." Mikey replied, looking distant.

"Would you like some, Gerard?" I plucked up the courage to ask.

He smiled. "I'd love some, thanks. Three sugars."

I smiled back, feeling a little more comfortable than before. Mikey seemed to be staring into space, but later on I had realised why he was acting the way he was.

I brought Gerard his coffee and waited for one of them to speak. I hadn't known the reason for both their silence at the time, and it had worried me. I had thought that maybe I was just being a bad host, but in reality it had been so much worse than that.

Gerard cleared his throat. "So, Frank, how have you been?"

I was taken off guard by the question. I knew they had arranged this meeting for a reason, so I hadn't been expecting any small talk. "I've been okay, just been working a lot."

"Oh yeah, you work at that production company, right?"

"Yeah, it's actually more of a music company. We specialise in rock music mostly, but we have a mixture of different artists that we sign. I'm actually working with a classical singer right now, it's her first album."

I expected Gerard to be bored by this, but he actually looked interested. "Oh, so you help in the recording studio?"

"Yeah, I play guitar for some of the instrumentals and I always work the soundboard."

"That's awesome! Wow, you have such a great job." He smiled, making my stomach clench. Turns out I still had a schoolboy crush on him. "You look great, by the way."

It took me a while to respond. "Thanks, you look good too. Man, I haven't seen you for so long."

He looked at Mikey and then back at me. He tried to hide the concern for his brother but it didn't really work. "Yeah, I believe I haven't seen you since Mikey's wedding. That was a great night, right Mikey?"

Mikey looked as though he had just woken up. "Uh, yeah. So, Frank, the reason we're here-"

"-we can get to that later! Let's catch up a little first." Gerard smiled, playfully smacking his brother.

Mikey grunted, looking away. I wondered why Mikey was acting so down. If only I had known the reason for it, I would've tried to comfort him instead of teasing him with Gerard.

"Yeah, come on, Mikey. We haven't seen each other for a while, how about a polite conversation before we get down to whatever it is you've come back for." I had laughed, a stupid move. "I know you guys are after something, we may as well have fun before you empty my wallet."

"Actually-" Mikey had begun, but Gerard had waved a hand dismissively.

"Play nice, you guys. It's great to see you again, Frank, it really is. We were never too close, and I just want you to know that I've always admired you."

My heart had skipped a beat. Gerard Way had admired me? "Really?"

"Yeah! You were amazing at the guitar, you always had girls knocking on your door.."

"I did, didn't I? What can I say, I was a chick magnet." It was hard to spit those words out, considering I didn't even like women. I considered how I would tell him that I wasn't straight, and Mikey seemed to be wondering the same thing.

"You really were. Although, you never really took an interest in any of them." He paused. "Do you have a girlfriend now?"

The question was unexpected, and I saw a flicker from Mikey's face. He looked up at Gerard as if in warning. "Uh, no. I don't. Actually-"

"-I'm sorry. That was such a rude question, I didn't mean to be so intrusive-"

"No, no it's fine." I assured him, deciding that I would tell him. "I'm not really too into women, if you get what I mean."

The silence had been unbearable. I had felt my cheeks heat up as I waited for his reaction, and Mikey seemed to be waiting too. It felt like forever until Gerard finally replied.

"Oh, right. I get you." He winked, and I had to shake myself. Had I seen that right? "I'm not really a ladies man either."

"Y-you mean-"

"Do I have to spell it out to you, Frank?" He laughed, but when I didn't laugh back he said; "I'm gay."

I blushed, looking away and I heard Gerard chuckle. "Well, that's uh, that's good to know."

"It is, is it?" He teased leaning closer to me.

I felt myself blush even more. I could feel his breath on my face, and my heart was racing. As a school boy all I had ever wanted was to be this close to him, to know that there was a slight possibility he could like me back. Knowing that I now had an ounce of a chance, I leant in close to him too.

"Yeah. I always thought you had a gay charm to you." I teased, leaning back again. I had wanted nothing more than to lean in again, but at the time playing hard to get had seemed appropriate. I never would have done it if I had known how little time I would have to spend with him.

Gerard pretended to look offended. "Me? What about you? You were always staring at me whenever you came over to visit Mikey, once I could've sworn I saw you drooling on the floor."

I smacked him playfully. "I was not!" I paused, deciding to take a risk. "Did I really make it that obvious?"

"Oh no, you only glared at me for hours whilst I'd draw with my shirt off. But, I had no idea that you were gay. Nuh-uh."

I had wanted to tell him that I had had a crush on him, but I hadn't known where to begin. "You were pretty toned back then."

"Back then? I'm still toned now, baby!"

I had laughed, but even Mikey had noticed how forced it had sounded. We both knew why I wasn't laughing as much as I should have, Gerard was skin and bones. Mikey looked devastated. I couldn't understand why he looked that way, but I remember I had felt uneasy everytime I looked at him.

"So, uh, Mikey." I began, but Gerard cut me off, still with a huge grin on his face.

"Ah, don't worry about him, Frankie. He's just a little down recently. Don't let him spoil the mood." Mikey shifted slightly at his brother's words. Something was clearly bothering him.

"I don't mean to be rude, but Mikey said that he wanted to meet me." I looked pointedly at Gerard. "He said you wanted to tag along, which is awesome, but I was just wondering if there was a reason he wanted to see me. Is there something you want to talk about, Mikey?"

Both the brothers looked down at their feet, and Gerard lost his grin. He didn't look as upset as Mikey, but I felt like he was trying to forget something. Pushing away a painful memory.

Mikey looked up at me, and to my horror, I saw that there was tears in his eyes. "Frank-"

"-please, not yet, Mikes. I'm not ready." Gerard begged, looking strained.

"What's wrong?" I demanded, trying to break the eye contact between them. They continued to glare at each other.

"If we don't tell him now, it'll only hurt him more later-" Mikey cried, but again Gerard interrupted.

"If we tell him later, he can enjoy the time we have now. Let's just live in the moment for now, please?"

"What do you mean? You guys are freaking me out." I cried, and they both looked up at me as if they were only just realising I was there.

"It's nothing-"

"-Frank, it's complicated." Mikey finished for his brother, who looked extremely stressed. "We came here today to tell you something, but instead, we'd prefer if we could catch up a little first."

"Is someone hurt?" I panicked, not realising how close to the truth I was.

"No, Frank, please. Gerard wanted to see you today to tell you something-"

"-I think we should talk alone, Frank." Gerard said suddenly, and Mikey stood up to leave.

"Wait, you don't have to go." I insisted, although deep down all I wanted was to talk to Gerard alone. I wanted to know why they were both acting so wierd, and why Gerard wanted to talk to me so badly.

"I'll wait in the car." Mikey mumbled, sniffing as he left the apartment.

I looked over at Gerard, who smiled. He seemed to be trying to calm me down, trying to show me that everything was alright. I had believed him, and I had smiled back. Truth was, everything wasn't alright, it was just a mask he wore to hide the pain.

He rubbed him hands together, and then looked straight into my eyes. "I've wanted to tell you something for a while, Frank. I don't know how to begin, but if you'll let me, I'll try and explain everything to you."

"Even what you and Mikey were talking about?" I asked eagerly, and his face dropped.

"Maybe. If I feel I'm ready to tell you after I've told you this first, then I will. But I can't make any promises." I nodded for him to continue. "When we were young, I always thought of you as Mikey's best friend, nothing more, nothing less. But things began to change when we got to High School. I discovered a lot about myself, I realised I didn't like girls, I realised a lot of things really."

I swallowed. I was nervous about where this was going. Whatever they had been talking about seemed to be something both of them wished to avoid, and even though he was telling me something else first, I swas still worrying about that other secret. I didn't know where he was going with his speech, but I was about to find out.

"Everytime you came over to see Mikey, I'd ignore you. I'd just sit at my desk drawing or I'd leave the room. It wasn't that I didn't like seeing you, because believe me, every time you visited I was so excited." He looked at me, as if studying my face carefully for my reaction. "I know my eagerness didn't really show through-"

"Wait, you were eager to see me? Are you sure?"

He chuckled. "I know I didn't make it obvious, I was very good at hiding my feelings. You see, I didn't want to approach you when you were best friends with my brother. It'd be wierd."

"Wait-"

"I didn't explain that right." Gerard shook his head and laughed again. Meanwhile, I was freaking out inside. Gerard had been excited to see me. "Look, I was eager to see you for a reason. Since the first time you stepped through my bedroom door I had a crush on you."

It's hard to describe my feelings at that moment. This had been all I had ever wanted, and him telling me at that moment, I also couldn't help feeling disappointed. I had thought that maybe he was only telling me this in the past tense, as in, he no longer liked me anymore. Maybe he had just wanted to get this off his chest and admit to his school boy crush.

On the other hand, a huge part of me had been dancing with joy, and I had hoped that his feelings were still there. Otherwise, him telling me this would be just cruel.

"You look as if you've seen a ghost." Gerard laughed, and I had had to shake myself awake.

"I- I don't understand. Why are you telling me all this now? What's the point?"

"Well, I thought you needed to know. I mean, everytime I saw you I would feel so.. different. I can't explain it. It was like, you were the only thing that mattered. All I wanted was to confront you about it, you don't know how badly I wanted to. But I didn't know how you felt, I hadn't even known that you weren't straight." Gerard was blabbering now.

It had taken me a while to respond. Then was the moment to tell him what I had always wanted to tell him. "Gerard, I know how it feels."

"You do?"

I was then the one to laugh. His face had been adorable. "Yeah, I felt the same way back then. If only I had known how you felt, it could've been great."

"You felt the same way?" He exclaimed, and he put his head in his hands. "I wish you would've told me. Or I wish I had told you."

"We're both at fault." I agreed, feeling the loss of the situation.

"If you still felt that way now, would you tell me?"

Now, this had been the real moment. This was a test to see how I truly felt, to see if I would be a wimp or take the chance, which could result in something beautiful. I braced myself to confess everything.

"I would." For a second he had looked disappointed so I quickly said; "I still feel that way."

His face lit up like a child's on Christmas, and I had grinned back at him. There was no need for him to say it, but he did anyway. "Me too."

"Why are you telling me all this now?" I questioned.

"Because I've always regretted not confronting you about it. Now that I know you feel the same way, maybe we can be happy."

My heart had leapt, but for that moment I had pushed my happiness aside. "It just seems so out of the blue. Not that I'm not happy or anything, but-"

"-there is a reason, but I really can't tell you yet. Please, trust me." His eyes made feel such sadness, that I had agreed. I wish I hadn't. If I had known- maybe I would have thrown myself across the table and began to enjoy every inch of him right then and there.

"Where do we go from here?" I asked.

Gerard seemed to pause to consider this, but not for too long. "First date, my place."

"That's a little intimate for a first date, don't you think?" But inside I had been extremely pleased with his idea.

"I think it would be perfect. We could watch a movie, catch up, I can show you my drawings, you play a little guitar for me.."

"You've really though this out haven't you?"

"I just want it to be perfect." He had smiled, leaning over and kissing my cheek. Our first kiss.

Notes