Three Words You Never Want To Hear

“So is it my turn now?” Mikey called impatiently, looking over at us from the little wooden box.

Gerard chuckled, kissing my cheek before standing up to face his brother. “You’re like a child, you know that?”

“I am not,” he pouted, dramatically stomping his feet as he made his way over to the tea cup. “Come on, out you get, it’s my turn.”

I obeyed, too stunned by Gerard’s proposal to think of a smart ass reply. I grabbed onto the sides of the tea cup to keep myself steady, we’d been going pretty fast and I was feeling slightly dizzy.

Mikey climbed in eagerly, pushing past his laughing brother and sitting down next him. Gerard sent me a wink, making me blush, and sat down beside his brother, his arm stretched out behind Mikey. I climbed down from the ride, making my way over to the control panel. Climbing over the chain carefully, I sat down at the small wooden stall, readying myself to press the green button.

I looked over at the two brothers in front of me, both of them laughing and playfully tackling each other. They didn’t look like two grown, mature, young men, they looked like two little boys play fighting and getting ready to tell on the other if one of them stepped out of line. They looked genuinely happy for once, Mikey didn’t look on the verge of a breakdown and Gerard didn’t look so guilty and pained by how everything was affecting his little brother. Most of all, they looked like they were having fun, completely and utterly free from the stress and dangers of the world. I began to think that they’d completely forgotten about me, and the thought made me smile. I didn’t feel left out, I was just so happy that they were finally having fun together, not arguing about Gerard’s fate. This was what they had wanted, to spend as much time together as they could before… it happened. I will never forget this moment; I will never forget their smiles, the sound of their laughter echoing across the empty theme park.

“Stop, stop!” I heard Mikey squeal, his voice far too high to possibly belong to him. “Frank’s waiting for us to stop messing around so that he can start the ride!”

I saw Gerard turn to look at me, so I grinned back at him, shaking my head back and forth to show that I did to approve of the childish behaviour. “Sorry, Frank!” He called, grinning back. “You can press the button now!”

I gave them a thumbs up and pressed the button, the tea cups coming to life.

I watched as Mikey stood up, laughing, trying to prove to Gerard that he could stand up and maintain his balance no matter how fast the cups got. I chuckled to myself, wishing there had been a switch that would’ve allowed me to speed up the ride. It would have caught Mikey off guard and he definitely would not have been able to stay up.

“There’s no way!” I heard Gerard call to his brother. “You’re gonna fall straight on your ass!”

“No way!” Mikey replied, now standing cockily on one leg. “This thing can’t go that fast, it’s meant for little kids!”

“Exactly,” I called, unable to resist; “Which is why it’s perfect for you!”

Mikey flipped me off, his tongue sticking out playfully.

The ride began to speed up, the other cups swirling so fast that you could not tell what colour they were anymore, could not see the patterns painted on the sides anymore. Mikey began to wobble, his arms flailing about in an attempt to stay upright, his left leg dropping back down to the floor so that he was once again on both legs. He grabbed onto the sides, looking slightly pale as I watched him and Gerard spin past in a blur, and I thought I heard Gerard say something about vomit.

“Turn it off!” Gerard called, not a hint of playfulness left in his tone.

I obeyed, pressing the red button as fast as I could. Had Mikey thrown up?

I watched as the cups came to a halt, and jumped over the chains quickly and ran from the wooden box so that I could help Gerard lift Mikey up. He looked as pale as a sheet, vomit in a pool at his feet, and I had to hold my breath because the stench was so unbearable. Gerard sent me a look of concern, so I pushed Mikey onto the plastic seat and sat next to him, rubbing his back.

“It’s okay, just close your eyes and breathe in and out,” I instructed, patting his back the whole time. “That’s it. Everything will come into focus again in a second.”

“I can’t believe I threw up on a kid’s ride,” Mikey groaned, putting his hand to his moist forehead. “Ugh, I feel awful. Everything’s out of focus.”

“It’ll stop in a minuet,” I promised, smiling sympathetically. I turned to Gerard, who was looking at his brother with genuine concern. “He’ll be fine, don’t worry. He just shouldn’t have gotten so cocky.” I added, smirking at Mikey.

“Hey,” he squinted, taking a deep breath. “I was doing fine until Gerard pushed me.”

“I did not!” Gerard raised his arms in surrender. “You just couldn’t handle it!”

“You saw him, Frank, that was foul play.”

“To be honest, I didn’t see him push you,” I admitted, gaining a kiss on the cheek from Gerard. “Hey, don’t think I’m siding with you, I’m pretty sure you’d resort to foul play to win a bet against Mikey.”

“Ha,” Mikey exclaimed half-heartedly, sitting up straight now and blinking. “There, the floor’s stopped spinning.”

“Good,” Gerard smiled, looking relieved. “We need to leave before someone sees us.”

“Look who’s the party pooper now,” Mikey grinned, standing up slowly. “Ugh, I don’t think I’m gonna throw up again, but you guys had better be ready to help me out if I do. If the cops show up you’ll have to save yourselves, I don’t think I can run.”

“Can you make it over the gate?”

“I can try,” he replied, linking arms with the both of us. “Come on, let’s go.”
________________________________

We pushed Mikey onto the couch, his body heavy in our arms. He had begun to feel sick again on the way home so we had had to carry him to the car and let him lay in the back so that he could go to sleep. He had slept the entire journey home, and had refused to wake up when Gerard had shaken him, so we had resorted to carrying him inside ourselves.

“There,” Gerard whispered, grabbing a blanket from the other couch and placing in on his brother. “He’ll be out until morning now.”

I nodded, not wanting to talk in case I woke him. I gestured to Gerard that I wanted to go upstairs, so he nodded and let me lead the way. I tiptoed up the staircase as slowly as I could, and I could hear Gerard breathing heavily from behind me. I felt guilty for making Gerard do most of the heavy lifting, but I was too small to support Mikey on my own, so I hadn’t had a choice. Gerard had been getting weaker, I had noticed, small things seeming to tire him out more than they should.
“Go into my room,” Gerard whispered from behind me, making me jump.

I turned the corner and opened his door quickly so that it wouldn’t creak, and landed heavily on his bed with a sigh. “I’m so exhausted.”

“Tell me about it,” he replied, shutting the door behind him and landing next to me. “I could just go to sleep right now.”

“You can if you want to,” I smiled, stroking his cheek as he looked up at the ceiling. “We can always stay up tomorrow night instead, I mean, I don’t think I can make it another five minutes.”

Gerard sighed. We both knew that I was only humouring the both of us; we both knew that we would fight to stay awake regardless of how tired we were. We were literally going to spend every moment we could together, even if it meant staying up all night and drinks tons of coffee in the morning.

“If you really do start to feel tired, Frank, please just let me know. What’s the point staying up all night to spend time together if we’re going to be extra tired in the morning?”

I sighed, taking his hand. “We’ve done fine so far. But I’m not stupid. It’ll catch up to us eventually. Don’t worry; we won’t do this every night, just a few nights a week, that’s all.”

“I guess that sounds fair,” he agreed, turning to face me. “I can’t wait to start moving your things in here. I’ll have to clear out my room too, I mean, look at all this crap, how will we fit both of our things in here with all this junk I keep stored here?”

“Well,” I smiled. “I guess we’ll just have to ask Mikey if we can use a little of the room in his room. I’m sure he won’t mind.”

“Are you kidding me? Mikey’s a neat freak.”

“I’ve never seen his room,” I realised. His door had always been shut every time I’d walked passed.
“Of course you haven’t,” he chuckled, laying his head on my shoulder and staring back up at the ceiling. “He never lets anyone in there, not even me.”

“Maybe he’s not a neat freak, maybe he’s hiding his secret identity,” I grinned. “Maybe he’s Spiderman.”

“What does locking his bedroom door have to do with him secretly being Spiderman?”

“Well, he hides his costume in there, obviously,” I tutted, shaking my head at him. “He’d also be hiding his plans and weapons; he probably has one of them bookshelves that flips over when you press a secret button hidden underneath a framed photo on the wall, that leads to a secret room where he stores all of his gadgets.”

“I didn’t think Spiderman had gadgets,” he commented.

“He doesn’t have to necessarily be Spiderman, exactly. He could be someone completely new that we’ve never heard of.”

“When we were kids he used to call himself Kobra Kid,” Gerard laughed, turning back to look me in the eyes. “Do you know what I called myself?”

“What?”

“Party Poison.”

“That’s pretty badass,” I admitted, wrapping my arms around him. “I never really had a name for myself.”

“Really? Dude, you had like no childhood,” he teased, and then he paused, clearing trying to think of a name that would do me justice. “Hmm. I’m gonna have to think on that one. Your name definitely had to be much more badass than mine.”

“Nah, I don’t think anything can top yours.”

I thought back to something that had been playing on my mind. Gerard had talked about moving my things in, and as much as the idea made me feel excited and happy, there was always that voice at the back of my head questioning; ‘Why does it even matter? By the time everything’s been moved in you’ll have to take it out again. Mikey won’t want you here once Gerard’s gone.’

I shook my head, as though doing so would clear my mind of such thoughts. I decided to think of something new to talk about, which was what I always did when bad thoughts threatened to enter my mind.

“When am I gonna get the chance to meet your parents? I’ve never seen them round here before,” I asked, thinking about the embarrassing time my mom had first met Gerard.

Gerard seemed hesitant to answer. I was afraid that I’d brought up a sore subject, I mean, the more that I thought about it the more it seemed odd to me that his parents hadn’t come to visit him once, not while I’d been here anyway. Didn’t they care about their son at all?

“Look, what you need to understand about my parents is…” he shook his head in frustration. “They moved away a little while ago, off to California for their retirement. They always said they’d keep in contact with us, but eventually they began calling us less and less, and as time went on they didn’t return either of mine or Mikey’s calls. I’ve tried calling them again recently, y’know, to tell them the news, but there’s still nothing. I’m dying to see them again, I need to see them again, but they just aren’t returning our calls.”

Gerard noticed my flinch at the word ‘dying’, but he had continued anyway. I didn’t blame him; I couldn’t avoid certain words for the rest of my life just because I’d lost someone. And I would lose him, someday, no matter what happened in three months. This experience, this feeling, this knowledge, knowing that I may never see him again would always stay with me. Even if he survived I’d always know what that felt like.

“Do you know exactly where in California they moved to?” I asked, wishing there was some way I could reunite him with his parents. They needed to see him again, and he needed to see them, there must’ve been some explanation for their behaviour, there would be no way they could just cut their sons out of their lives like that.

“Yeah, I know their address and everything, but Frank, I know what you’re thinking, and I’m not going to find them,” he said angrily, his fists clenched. “Look, if they want to see me again they can come to me. If not, then I guess that’s that.”

“But they don’t know yet!” I protested. “If they knew what you were going through…”

“They’d what? Jump on a plane the first chance they got and come home to wait for me to die?” He replied harshly, leaping up from the bed so that he didn’t have to face me. “They clearly don’t give a rat’s ass about me or Mikey; if they did they would’ve made some kind of contact with us.”

“But they’re your parents, Gerard,” I pleaded, not quite sure myself why I was defending them before I knew the truth. “They deserve the chance to see you again.”

“What, before I die?”

“Stop it,” I gasped, blinking back tears.

He whirled around to face me, a manic look on his face. “What, it’s the truth, isn’t it? Come on, we all know I’m gonna die in a few months, why act like it isn’t gonna happen?”

“You know why,” I spat through gritted teeth, tears now freely rolling down my cheeks. “You know it’s hard for us, for all of us! Do you think I want to think about it?”

“Do you think I want to think about it?” His face screwed up in pain, his right hand now gripping his hair. “I’m the one that has to die, I’m the one that has cancer! You and Mikey act like you have it so hard, but you have no idea what it’s like!”

I stood up and walked up to his face, nose to nose, staring him straight in the eye. “I know what it’s like to know that you’re gonna be all alone. I know what it’s like to know that you’re losing the only person that you give a damn about, that I’m gonna be all alone! Alone, all alone, I won’t ever be able to come to you for comfort; I won’t ever be able to touch you…” I reached out my hand and stroked his face, his eyes closing as I did so. “I won’t ever be able to… to kiss you…”

I leant forward, pressing my lips gently to his. He let out a shaky breathe as I pulled away, his eyes still closed. “I know you love your parents,” I whispered, kissing his forehead. “I know you feel hurt that they’ve stopped talking to you, but you need to set it right. There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for them abandoning you. But you’ll never find out if you don’t go and find them. Trust me, you’ll regret it if you don’t.” I stepped back, my hand in his. He opened his eyes slowly, looking at me in fear. “I’ll go with you. I’ll do anything for you. I won’t let anyone hurt you, not again. If your parents turn out to be total bastards, I’ll still be here. Maybe I’m not enough anymore, maybe you need more than just me and Mikey, but I’m not leaving your side, not until my last day. I know you can make it through this, you’re strong. So, so, strong.”

Gerard sighed, opening his eyes and pulling away. “I’m sorry. I always ruin perfectly fine moments. I’m a total drama queen.”

I forced a smile, a little shaken by how quickly his mood had changed. “Please, if there’s a drama queen in the room, it’s me.”

His hands ran through his hair. “You know everything you just said? I’d do the same for you. You know, if the situation were reversed.”

“I know,” I smiled genuinely then. “Come on, we’ve had a great time tonight, let’s not ruin it.”

“You know what, you’re right,” he pushed himself closer to me, wrapping him arms around my stomach. “I think we need to figure out where you’re gonna sleep once you move in.”

“I know where I’m gonna sleep,” I grinned, turning around to kiss him.

“Oh yeah? Who says I want you in my cosy little bed?” He teased, pulling away and shuffling into the sheets, wrapping them around him and smiling contently. “Mm, so warm.”

“Aw, come on,” I moaned, pulling at the sheets, which he kept a tight grip onto. “Let go, come on, I wanna be warm too!”

“Nuh-uh-uh,” he grinned, pulling the sheet so hard that I fell face first into his lap. “Ooh, Frankie, I know you want the sheet, but you don’t have to stoop so low to get it…”

I pushed myself up, placing my knees in between his legs and leaning forward. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Well, for you to do that you’d have to get in here with me, and I can’t allow that.”

“Oh, come on,” I tried to say huskily, my attempt at being sexy. “If you let me in we can have some fun.”

Gerard pretending to consider the offer. He sighed. “Oh, alright.”

I clapped my hands gleefully, glad that I had been able to persuade him. He chuckled and moved over, pulling me under the sheets and rolling on top of me, catching me by surprise.

“Why so shocked? You said we could have some fun.”

Notes