Three Words You Never Want To Hear

We walked along the pier, looking out at the view of the beach from beneath us. The sun was warm on my cheeks, and the ocean moved calmly across the sand, creating a gentle swishing noise that soothed me.

We had spent the last couple of days going on pointless trips like this, going to the beach, to theme parks, to the movies, just anywhere that we felt like going. We spent every day in each other’s company, and even at night I would stay at Gerard’s and we’d stay up talking all night, sometimes Mikey would join in too. Sometimes Gerard would be too tired to stay awake however, and no matter how hard he tried to stay awake he would fall asleep, leaving me to lay there next to him, taking in his every breathe, his every move. He had taken me to dinner at the one place I didn’t think of, but definitely should’ve guessed. Starbucks.

He had told me that he hadn’t wanted to take me anywhere too fancy, it was too much hassle to try and act accordingly in public and behave, besides, he said, he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off of me, and he was sure the waitresses and waiters wouldn’t have been impressed. At Starbucks however, the food was much better in his opinion, and the coffee was too good to pass up on. I hadn’t minded, no matter where he took me it would be the perfect date anyway. As long as I was with him, I was having a good time.

As much as we longed to spend as much time together as we possibly could, I felt guilty leaving Mikey by himself. That was why I had invited him along that day, because I knew how much it pained him to let his brother go out without him, when he had so little time left to spend with him.
I hadn’t gotten over it, I just tried my hardest not to think anymore. I hadn’t cut since last time, but the cuts were still visible on my arms. I had fought the urge a few times, when my mind had got the best of me, when I had begun contemplating what life would be like after the three months were over. Thankfully, he didn’t know it at the time, but Gerard had been there to keep me together, just seeing him had calmed me down.

I knew that I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge every time, and that I’d give in eventually. It had taken me years to get over it the first time I had started, but it didn’t really matter. By the time I had stopped, if I ever stopped, Gerard wouldn’t be here to see what I was doing to myself. I was thankful for that, but I needed to keep it a secret from him until then. I couldn’t bear to see his reaction if he discovered my cuts, he’d probably think I was a psychopath, just like everyone else had when they had found out the last time.

I had learned so much more about him in our few days together, small trivial things, but important things nonetheless. I still remember the pointless conversations we had in the months leading up to his… to the end of his diagnosis, and I remember every minor thing he had told me about himself. One thing I remember him shyly admitting was that when he was younger he used to tie a blanket around his shoulders and run around the house ‘saving the day’ and bringing justice where justice needed to be served. I had tried to contain my laughter, but he had noticed how hard I was trying not to speak in case I started laughing, and he tickled me until my eyes were filled with tears.

“Come on, I was young!” He defended, allowing me to sit up after my fit of laughter. “We all do dumb things when we’re young! Come on, tell me something you did.”

“I didn’t do anything, at least not as weird as that,” I chuckled, clutching at my sides.

“Oh, you can’t seriously expect me to believe that. Didn’t you ever, I don’t know, play doctors and nurses?”

“Doctors and nurses? Oh my god, please don’t tell me you and Mikey used to play.”

“All the time,” he shrugged, smirking. “We’d take it in turns being the patient, and we’d even act out how the accident happened. One time I remember we pretended Mikey had been on holiday skiing in the mountains and he’d fallen down it, so he went to the top of the stairs and jumped.”

“Oh my god!” I cried, putting a hand over my mouth to contain another fit of laughter. “What the hell happened?”

“Thankfully he didn’t even have a bruise to show for it,” he laughed, looking off into the distance. “Mom went mad though, she was about to walk up the stairs at the time and, well, you can imagine what it was like when she turned around the corner only to collide with a flying little Mikey.”

We’d spent hours telling each other funny stories from our childhood and even some memories that were more recent, and even though to most people they may not seem like a big deal, it was to me. After talking to him for hours about such trivial little things, I felt I knew him much better than before. I felt closer to him, almost like I had been there to witness Mikey falling down the stairs as a kid, or witnessed Gerard falling from his bike when he was seven and breaking his arm.

It was then that we sat down on the edge of the pier, overlooking the sea and reminiscing into the past that I realised just how desperately I needed Gerard in my life. Nothing would matter anymore once he was gone, my life would hold no purpose. Sure, he hadn’t been around for all of my life, but he’d been there for the majority of it, and even in those brief few months where I hadn’t had contact with him, he had always been in my mind. He had been there in everything I did, everything in my daily routines would remind me of him, and I’d smile to myself, remembering how obsessive I’d been over him in my earlier days, when I’d stared as he’d painted at his little wooden table.

“What’re you thinking about?” He asked gently, his head resting lightly on my shoulder.

“Just about how we first met,” I replied, trying to keep my voice steady.

He moved his head slightly so that he could see me. “We were so young back then, so caught up in our own insecurities to make a move.”

“Mmh,” I murmured. “You’d think we’d have asked Mikey about one another, I mean, if we had we might’ve made a move, considering we were both gay and in need of some action.”

He chuckled. “Not to mention that we both were extremely attracted to each other.”

“It wasn’t only that,” I said gently, pressing my lips against his hair. “You were all I ever thought about.”

He sat up and looked at me, a glimmer in his eyes. “Not a day went by that you weren’t on my mind.”

I took his hand in mine and placed them together on my lap.

The sun had begun to set, the sky turning a dark pink. The clouds looked luminescent against the colour, and the sun peaked out from behind them, the light barely showing. The wind had become so light that it was barely there, and the seagulls glided silently across the sand, a whole group of them together like a family, following one behind the other. I watched as one of them became separated from the group and was slowly left all alone. It glided, slower this time, and up into the sky, heading straight into the clouds until it was just a speck in the sky. I wondered whether the other seagulls had noticed its disappearance, whether they would fly back to try and find it. I waited for the bird to remerge from the clouds, but as the minutes went by I realised that it wasn’t coming back. I felt a sudden sadness rush over me, and the urge to cry overwhelmed me.

Pull yourself together. It’s just a stupid bird. It probably wanted to leave its family behind, they probably wanted him to leave.

I became fully aware that the man leaning against me was here, alive and living. One day I wouldn’t be able to hold him, to feel his touch, to stroke his hand soothingly, he wouldn’t be able to talk to me, he’d be all alone and so would I, he might not even exist anymore. His life would have been completely pointless. What was the point in any of us living? None of it would matter in the end. We’d all meet the same fate.

I felt like a ghost myself, not fully aware of my surroundings, just looking blankly at the sea with no emotion. What did it matter, any of it? How cared about how beautiful the sea was? In fifty years I wouldn’t be around to see it, I wouldn’t even know it existed; I wouldn’t even know I had lived. I would never have met Gerard, never have had a family, never have been born…

And what would be left of me? What would be left of him?

Sure we’d have a tombstone with our names engraved on it, but in hundreds of years that’s all it would be. A name. There would be no one around to miss us, to carry on our memories, to mourn us…

“I love you, Frank.”

It was like being pulled out of a black hole.

I felt instantly guilty for forgetting about him, for wasting valuable time worrying over things that weren’t to happen for years. I had felt empty, but now that I had heard him say those three words for the first time, I felt a small bit of hope return to me. Maybe this didn’t have to be the end. He had said he could fight, didn’t he? Well, I was going to help him.

“I love you too,” I whispered, closing my eyes and forcing back the tears, pulling his head into my hands so that he was in front of me.

I wrested my forehead against his, my eyes firmly shut, just listening to his gentle breathing and feeling the soft skin beneath my fingers. I could feel his pulse, his heart pumping the blood through him. Yes, he was very much alive right then, and I intended on keeping him that way.

“I’m gonna help you through this,” I said through gritted teeth. “No matter what, we will find a way to beat this. I won’t let you leave, I won’t. You belong with me, here. Nowhere else. You’re strong, I know you are. I believe everything you told me, screw the medical shit, I don’t believe a word the doctors say. People can make it on their own, just like your friend did. And he’s not the only one. There have been tons of people out there that have fought their way through this. You’re young, strong, brave, and just so, so capable of beating this. Don’t worry, we can do this. I know we can.”

I opened my eyes and saw that his had been closed too, his mouth trembling slightly. I kissed his lips lightly, and he kissed back, so gently that at first I didn’t feel it. He opened his eyes slowly and brushed tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.

“I know,” he whispered hoarsely. “Let’s just enjoy this moment. Right here.”

_________________________________

“You two ready to leave?” Mikey asked hesitantly, standing several metres away.

“Yeah,” Gerard sighed, standing up slowly and then bending down to help me up. “Actually,” he looked at me, seeming to hesitate. “There’s something that I’ve kind of always wanted to do.”

“What is it?” Mikey asked before I could.

A small smile played on Gerard’s lips. “You’ll see.”

About an hour later we were walking slowly up the beach, my hand in his with Mikey tagging along next to us, the night sky lit with stars.

“Why’re we going this way?” Mikey asked, just as I spotted the theme park in front of us, gradually becoming more visible.

“This is how we get there,” Gerard shrugged, squeezing my fingers.

“Get where?”

“To the theme park.”

“But Gerard,” I started. “The theme park’s closed.”

He grinned, pecking me on the cheek. “I thought you’d be up for a little rule breaking.”

“What kind of rule breaking?” I raised my eyebrows questioningly.

“Well, that depends on how you feel about breaking and entering.”

“Whoa, hold up,” Mikey stood in front of us, blocking the way. “There is no way I’m breaking the law. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“Aw, come on Mikey,” I teased. “You’re not scared are you?”

“Wha- scared?” He scoffed. “Please! I just don’t wanna end up spending the night in a jail cell.”

“You’ve gotta admit, spending the night in a jail cell sounds pretty cool,” Gerard smiled. “I’ve never been in one before; it’d be cool to see what it’s like.”

“Oh, so that’s why you’re doing this? Why not just go set a car on fire or something?” Mikey moaned, clearly annoyed at his brother.

“Because what I want to do is really important to me,” he said gently, and I saw Mikey stiffen. “Please, Mikes, let me do this.”

There was a pause. I could hear the seagulls in the distance, and my mind was drawn back to that lonely seagull I had watched fly away before.

Mikey gave a sigh and moved out of our way so that we could keep on walking. “Alright, fine.”

“And hey, don’t worry, I wanna spend some time alone with Frank anyway, so if the police do show up, I won’t mind if you just run for it.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” Mikey shook his head. “Leave me all alone in a creepy amusement park why don’t you.”

“Aw, little Mikey-kins isn’t afraid of the dark is he?” Gerard laughed, playfully punching him in the arm.

“Shut up,” he laughed, chasing his brother across the beach.

“Hey, wait up!” I cried, smirking as I watched they sprint away into the distance. I broke into a run, the night air feeling pleasant against my skin as I tore across the sand after them, my breathing becoming more laboured as I struggled to keep up.

We reached the theme park in a matter of minutes, by which time I had to double over to try and regain my breathe. Gerard and Mikey stood side by side chuckling as they watched me, clearly they had been fitter than me, and neither of them seemed bothered by their little race.

“Don’t. Laugh. I’m. Just. A. Little. Exhausted.”

“Ok-ay. We. Won’t.” Mikey laughed, patting me on the back. “Come on, before someone sees us and thinks we’re up to something.”

I stood up straight, still huffing and puffing. “We are up to something.”

“Exactly, that’s why we need to hurry up and do whatever it is Gerard’s planning so that we can get the hell out of here,” Mikey turned to his brother. “What exactly are we doing?”

“Well,” Gerard smirked, pointing to the padlocked gate. “First, we’re breaking in.”

“Oh and how do you expect to us to do that, genius?” Mikey asked playfully, looking around the area to as if by doing so he could figure out what Gerard was up to.

“Just follow my lead.”

Mikey and I stood back, looking at each other in confusion. I shrugged, letting him know that there was nothing we could do to stop him, once Gerard made his mind up, that was it. There was no persuading him otherwise.

Gerard grabbed hold of one of the metal bars on the gate and pushed himself upwards, his feet hooked firmly on the bars. He glanced over his shoulder and gave us a wink, pushing himself upwards with his hands, climbing to the top of the fence where the metal spikes were. I felt my hear drop at the sight of them, and I began panicking. What if he got hurt?

“Look, maybe this isn’t the best idea,” I called, biting my nails nervously.

“Don’t tell me you’re siding with him,” Gerard called back, looking over his shoulder. “Just trust me, I’ll be fine. Keep a look out.”

Mikey looked panicked as he looked back and forth behind us, as if expected a security guard to appear out of nowhere and grab us. I stifled a laugh at the look on Mikey’s face, and I relaxed a little. Gerard had thrown a leg over and was now balancing just above a spike, his crutch dangerous close to it. I could see him straining to lift the other leg over, and for a second I thought he was going to fall, but then he had done it and had leapt down and onto the other side, smirking at us through the bars.

“You’d think they’d have better security,” he laughed, shaking his head at Mikey, who looked so panicked and on edge. “Chill out, Mikes. Keep watch while Frank climbs over.”

“Can’t you just let us in?” I asked, panicking a little myself. Heights weren’t my strong point.

“I can’t, there’s a lock on the other side. Come on, just do what I did.”

“What if I fall?”

“I’ll catch you,” he smiled, putting his hand through the bars to hold mine. “Do you trust me?” I nodded. Of course I trusted him. “Then come on.”

I gulped preparing myself to grab onto the first bar. My hands were slightly sweaty from nerves, so I pulled out my skeleton fingerless gloves and put them on so that I wouldn’t slip. The bars were ice cold when I grabbed when, despite wearing woollen gloves, but I continued to climb, not looking down for fear of falling.

“That’s it,” Gerard encouraged as I reached the top. “Now, slowly lift your leg over the top.”

I began to shake, the height finally getting the best of me. I closed my eyes briefly and took a deep breathe. Don’t look down. Just don’t look down. I lifted my leg a little faster than Gerard had and stumbled a little, grabbing onto the bars with extra grip as I held back a scream. You’re nearly there, focus.

“Alright, now make sure you have a firm grip, and then slowly do the same with the other leg,” Gerard instructed from beneath me.

“I- I don’t think I can,” I called shakily, staring at my hands intensely so that I wouldn’t look down.

“Frank,” Gerard called, but I kept looking at my hands. “Frank, trust me. Look at me.”

I braced myself and looked down. He was so far away and yet so close. The ground looked intimidating from up here, and I felt unsteady as I balanced at the top, my hands shaking now. If I fell and hit the concrete I’d definitely break a bone, hell, I might even snap my neck from up here. I began breathing quickly, my heart racing.

“Frank, focus on me, not the floor.”

I looked at Gerard, his face staring back up at me in concern. He gave me a reassuring smile, his hands spread out ready to catch me if I fell. I smiled back, forgetting how high I was. All I wanted was to be next to him again, to hug him, kiss him, hold his hand. I swung my leg over just as quickly as I had the first one, and began climbing down the gate with ease, finally jumping off when I was just a few centre metres from the floor.

I ran into his outspread arms and hugged him as tight as I could, glad to be back on solid ground. He kissed my forehead and pulled away, his arm around my shoulder as he called over to Mikey, who was still looking out for security guards.

“Alright, now it’s your turn.”

“No way!” Mikey called back, coming up to the gate so that he could talk to us more quietly. “I told you I’m not breaking the law.”

“Aw, come on, Mikey, I want you to be a part of this,” Gerard replied, looking genuinely disappointed. “I know I said I wanted to spend time with Frank, but I need you with me too, Mikes. I wanna spend time with my little brother.”

Mikey sighed, clearly feeling guilty. “What if we get caught?”

“Then I’ll tell them it was my idea,” Gerard smiled, putting his hand through the bars and placing it on Mikey’s shoulder. “Come on; let’s be wild for just one night. That’s all I ask.”

Mikey looked over at me almost pleadingly, but I knew that there was a understanding between us. Mikey would do anything his brother asked right now, because this wasn’t just Gerard longing for a wild night out. This was Gerard wanting to be as wild as he could while he could, doing things he had never done before and taking risks. Mikey nodded, looking away from me and pulled away from his brother, climbing onto the gate.

“You owe me for this,” he called, climbing to the top.

“I know,” Gerard called, smiling. He turned to me, pulling me against him. “I really appreciate this. I know you probably think I’m insane right now, but this means a lot to me. I have a lot planned for tonight, and I really hope we don’t get busted by the cops before we get to do everything I want to do.”

“Don’t mention it,” I smiled, watching as Mikey pulled his legs over the spikes. “I think you ought to thank your brother, he seems a little on edge.”

Gerard chuckled. “He just doesn’t know how to have a good time.”

“I heard that!” Mikey called, jumping from the last bar. “Now, what’re we doing?”

Gerard turned to me, grinning. “It’s time to have some fun.”

He ran over to the control box next to the tea cups, rattling the chain that was keeping the door locked. I heard Mikey tut from behind me, and I turned around to see that he was shaking his head in amusement.

“What, did you expect to be able to break into all the control boxes and ride every rollercoaster in here? You don’t think people will notice the big flashing lights or the loud music?”

“No one will see, because I’ll turn the lights off,” Gerard replied, kicking the door. “I’ll turn the music off too.”

“Oh, and do you have an instruction manual for all the controls?” Mikey asked sarcastically as the door snapped, two wooden panels falling heavily onto the floor. “Whoa, you never said you were going to break things!”

“How else did you expect me to get in?” Gerard imitated Mikey’s tone of sarcasm.

“I- I kind of agree with Mikey, I mean, we could seriously go to jail for this,” I found myself looking around behind me, expecting to see flashing red and blue lights at any moment.

“I’m not trying to get you guys in trouble,” Gerard replied, pushing the door open and climbing over the still attached chain. “All I ask is for one ride on here and there we’ll leave as quickly as possible. No one will ever know it was us.”

I sighed, giving in. How could I saw no to a face like that?

“Okay, okay, but do you know how to turn it on?” I climbed over the chain to stand beside him, looking at the colourful buttons displayed.

There was a green, red and yellow button each beside each other, none with a label. I had to admit that I had thought the controls might be a little more complicated, but I guess it kind of made sense. How many controls could there be for a small children’s ride?

“Well,” Gerard frowned, small creases appearing in his forehead. “I’m guessing the red one is stop, the green is to go, and the yellow controls either the music or the lights.”

“What about that one?” Mikey asked from beside us, making us jump. “Didn’t you see it?”

I followed the direction he was pointing in and noticed a small white switch in the corner. I frowned. Maybe these things were a little more complicated than they seemed.

Gerard seemed to be thinking the same thing, the creases on his head becoming more prominent as he stared down in confusion at the latest addition to the buttons. He shrugged, switching the white switch in one quick movement, making Mikey gasp.

Before Mikey could complain however, the bright lights turned on, nearly blinding us in the pitch black night, and Gerard hastily turned them off again, turning around to smile at his brother, who did not look impressed.

“See, now we know not to touch that one.”

“I swear you’ve lost your mind,” Mikey commented, shaking his head.

“Try the green one,” I commanded, pointing at it uselessly.

Gerard obeyed, ignoring Mikey’s mutterings of disbelief, and pressed it. The tea cups began to slowly revolve, spinning as they rotated across the circuit board. I smiled, feeling more alive than I ever had before. I hadn’t done something so reckless and risky since I was a teenager when I had thrown toilet paper at the principles house and he had chased me and my friends away, holding a saucepan in his hand. I felt full of energy and the fear of being caught no longer bothered me, but gave me an adrenaline rush. I pressed the red button, and the ride came to a halt.

“Looks like you were right,” I grinned, turning to face Gerard. “Better not touch the yellow one, it’s probably the music like you said.”

“Great!” Gerard clapped his hands together excitedly. “So, Mikey, would you mind being in charge of the controls?”

“Oh, so I don’t even get to ride?” He complained, but pushed past us to stand in front of the controls anyway.

“You can have a go after us if you like,” Gerard grinned, grabbing my hand as we both climbed over the chain. “You can ride with me.”

“Fine,” Mikey huffed, but he smiled to let his brother know that he was only joking.

We sat in the nearest tea cup we found, Gerard insisting I sat on his lap. I agreed reluctantly, a little afraid of falling out once the ride had started. There was a little bar in the middle to hold onto so as Gerard wrapped his arms around my waist I grabbed onto it with one hand, using the other to hold onto one of Gerard’s arms.

“Ready?” Mikey called from the box, preparing to press the green button.

“Ready!” Gerard called back. “Here we go.”

The ride made a small noise as it started, the cups next to us spinning a little faster than ours without any passengers as extra weight. I began to feel slightly dizzy as the cups gained speed, and I felt Gerard’s grip tighten a little as it gained full speed.

We waved to Mikey like little children waving to their parents, and he gave us the middle finger a few times, smirking as he did so. Gerard retaliated by doing the one thing that he knew would annoy Mikey the most, and he began kissing me as hard and as passionately as he could.

I hadn’t expected it, but I wasn’t complaining, and I began kissing him back with as much force as I could, completely forgetting Mikey’s presence. It was only when I pulled away that I saw Mikey’s disgusted face from inside the booth that I remembered he was there, and I began to blush.

Gerard laughed at the expression on my face. “Don’t get embarrassed, it’s only Mikey. He’s seen us do worse than that.”

“Exactly!” I shook my head, my cheeks burning up still. “We should really stop with the affectionate kissing when he’s around. He doesn’t need to see that.”

The ride came to a sudden stop, making Gerard forget whatever response he had been about to make.

“My turn!” Mikey called, getting ready to leave the box.

“Hang on, could you let us just talk for a second?” Gerard called back, holding my hand.

My heart began to race. Why did he need to talk to me alone? He had clearly planned this since the beginning; otherwise he wouldn’t have gone through so much trouble to break in here. It must’ve been something important, because Gerard’s face had sudden become serious.

“Oh fine, but I’m totally getting a turn when you’re done,” Mikey called back, and I saw him sit down in the box, putting his feet up.

“You need to talk to me?” I asked, trying to sound casual.

“Yeah,” Gerard replied, looking at me with sudden intensity. “Yeah, I have something I want to ask you, actually.”

“Oh?” I squeaked, very aware of how fidgety he had become.

“Yeah. I guess I should just go ahead and ask you, but first I need to explain to you why I’m asking what I’m about to ask,” he looked at me uncertainly and then continued. “We’ve been spending every second of everyday with each other lately, and I’m absolutely loving it. I haven’t been so happy in a long time, and Mikey will tell you just how depressed I was after my diagnosis. I didn’t go out, didn’t talk to anyone, didn’t eat, didn’t drink… but then I pulled myself together and decided that I wanted to find you again, see how you really felt about me. I half expected you to be married to some beautiful model, and if that was the case then I was just gonna leave you to it and never see you again. But I would’ve been happy, to have seen you happy.

“When I found you again and found out you had had feelings for me, I was so relieved, you have no idea. But I was also upset about all the years we had wasted; we could’ve been together for much longer. So I made a pact to myself that I would make you mine, and as selfish as it was, I was going to make you mine until the day I died. I wanted to make up for the time we had lost; I wanted to spend my last few months with you, every second of every day. The only way we can do that is, well, if first of all, you want to spend the time with me too-”

“Of course I do!” I interrupted; offended that he had thought I would even consider leaving him.
He gave a small smile. “And if we’re together, every second of every day. What I mean is… Frank, will you move in with me?”

“Yes!” I cried, stunned. This hadn’t been what I had expected at all. I felt the tears rush to my eyes, but I made no attempt to hide them. I was so happy, I couldn’t believe it, I’d be living with Gerard! “Oh, how could you even think I’d say no?”

I grabbed him, hugging him as tight as I possibly could. He pretended to choke, laughing as I pulled away.

“I love you.”

Three words you always want to hear.

Notes