Three Words You Never Want To Hear

My phone moved across the floorboards, vibrating as it went.

I could see his name from the lit up screen, printed in bold letters and hard to miss, as I had taken a photo of him secretly one night when he had been sleeping, and had set it as his caller ID. He had been calling for the last two hours, leaving desperate voice mails that I had listened to guiltily, knowing that he’d be disappointed at what I had just done.

“Please leave a message after the tone.”

“Frank, please, I know you’re upset but don’t do anything stupid.”

“Look, just come back and we can talk about this.”

“Mikey said he’s really sorry if he upset you, but he was trying to help you.”

“I’m sorry, okay? I should never have come back for you, all I’ve done is upset you and that’s not what I wanted.”

“Come back, Frank. I miss you already.”

I sat up, my arm searing in pain as I leant on it. It had stopped bleeding hours ago, and most of the blood had dried up against my arm. I peeled at the red flakes, wincing as they pulled at the hair on my arms.

Gerard had sounded so apologetic on the phone, which was what had made it worse. He had absolutely nothing to apologise for, I was the one that had run out of his house and had probably woken him up from all the yelling and banging his door so hard that I had probably damaged the walls. I made a note to myself to check that I hadn’t done any damage later, and if I had I would pay to get it repaired.

I couldn’t stop thinking about what Mikey had said. He had seemed so sure, so broken up about it all, and every time I thought about it I ended up in tears again. If Gerard’s own brother was admitting to the fact that Gerard didn’t have long to live, then things must have really been set in stone. The fact that I had wasted so many years hiding from the fact that I had a crush on him seemed absurd to me, because all along we had both been secretly admiring each other, and now that we had been reunited, we only had three months together.

Get a grip. I told myself, standing up and leaving my messy bedroom. Gerard needs you.
I spent ten minutes scrubbing at my arm, as every time I scrubbed too hard I’d accidently reopen a wound, making it bleed again, and then I’d have to wait for the bleeding to stop before I could rinse the blood off again. When I had finished all that was left was hideous dark red cuts, covering every inch of skin on my right arm from my wrist to my elbow. I shook my head in disbelief at just how much damage I had done, there was absolutely no way I’d be able to hide this from Gerard. What was I going to do the next time he wanted to get intimate? Sure, I could wear long sleeved shirts until the cuts vanished, but there was no way Gerard wouldn’t notice. How was I going to explain this to him?

I tried to forget about this as I climbed into the shower, I decided that although my arm was as clean as it could be, the rest of me wasn’t and I couldn’t go back to Gerard’s looking a mess. I had some serious explaining to do, and some serious apologies to make.

When I was done, I put on the best clothes I could find, a pair of skinny jeans and a belt to match, and a long sleeved hoodie, chosen deliberately to hide my cuts. My phone rang again, moving across the floor of its own accord, so I braced myself and answered.

“Frank, Frank, is that you?”

“Yeah, it’s me,” I squeaked, hearing Gerard’s panicked voice made me feel nervous.

“Thank god,” he sighed, and I could hear him whispering to Mikey that I had answered. “Are you okay? Where are you?”

“I’m at my place,” I answered, avoiding the first question.

“At your place? Have you been there the whole time?”

“You mean, since I left?” I knew exactly what he meant, but I needed to buy some time. I didn’t want to have to explain to him over the phone. “Yeah, I came here straight from yours.”

“Why? You didn’t have to leave, Frank. I’ve been so worried, you have no idea. Mikey said you ran out because of something he said, and apparently you were really upset.”

“Did I wake you up?” I asked, concerned that I had woken him.

“What?” Gerard seemed confused. “Oh, earlier? Yeah, I heard you yelling and then the door slam, so I came downstairs to see what had happened, and there was Mikey, and he told me that you’d run out because you were upset…”

“I’m sorry, you were sleeping, I should’ve been more considerate.”

“No, don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you’re okay. For a minute I thought you’d…” he seemed to be choking on his own words. “Look, come back and we’ll talk things over, okay?”

“I was coming over now, actually, if that’s okay.”

Gerard seemed taken aback. “S-sure, of course it is! Is that why you haven’t been answering the phone, Frank? Because you didn’t think I’d want you back?”

“Did Mikey tell you why I ran out?” I asked, again avoiding his questions.

“Sort of. He said you were angry at him for the whole thing with Alicia, but then things escalated pretty quickly and then you were talking about me and… and you didn’t like what Mikey was telling you about my… my diagnosis. Frank, I told you how long I have, but you know that I’m gonna try my hardest to fight this, and I know you and Mikey don’t think I can do it but… but I’m trying. I really am.”

“It’s not that I don’t think you can’t do it, Gerard… it’s just… I know what this is like. I’ve lost someone to this before, and I’m not prepared to go through that again. But I don’t want to get my hopes up, because I know how this ends. I believe in you, really, I do, I just don’t want to be disappointed if things don’t go our way. I want you to beat it, and I’m gonna help you to.”

There was a pause on the other end of the line. I knew that Mikey was probably listening intently to see if I mentioned him, as I could hear his distant whispers in the background. Gerard seemed to be whispering something back, and I could imagine him putting his hands over the receiver so that I couldn’t hear. My curiosity almost got the best of me as I nearly asked what they were talking about, but thankfully Gerard came back on before I could.

“Thanks, Frank. Don’t worry, I understand. Just come back, okay? We can all have a chat and then go out for a bite to eat. We need to let loose, have some fun,” I heard a light chuckle in the background that belonged to Mikey.

“You’re right,” I sighed, squaring my shoulders and grabbing my keys from the side. “We do need to have some fun. Everything’s been so depressing lately; I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to smile! I’ll be there in a bit.”

“Okay, great! See you soon!” Gerard all but squealed, clearly surprised at how little persuasion I had needed.

I chuckled as I hung up, already feeling in a much better mood.

Sure, Gerard would eventually find out what I had done, but what’s done was done, I couldn’t change the past. Just like I couldn’t change the future. We needed to make the most of our time together, and for once, I understood why Gerard had always wanted that for us. I couldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself or for Gerard, I needed to move on and live my life with Gerard.
Feeling somewhat optimistic, I all but ran from my apartment, eager to see him again.

Instead of thinking about more depressing matters, I decided to think about what kind of restraunt Gerard would take me to. Knowing him, he’d probably take me to Starbucks again. I couldn’t blame him, their coffee was every bit as amazing as he had told me, I’d received tons of comments on the video Gerard put up of me taking my first sip, every one of them telling me how ‘fucking delicious’ Starbucks was. I smiled, and then realised that I hadn’t smiled probably for a while. It felt good.
By the time I had all but sprinted to Gerard’s, he had already prepared a movie for us to watch, which was laid out on the table in front of the television, with popcorn and chips lay out next to it. His face lit up as soon as he opened the door, (he hadn’t even given me a chance to knock), and his smile almost made me forget why I had left in the first place. It felt as if nothing bad had happened at all, neither Mikey nor Gerard mentioned my little meltdown, which I was appreciative for.

I sat down next to Gerard, who put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to him. I grinned, happy that he was being so considerate. He knew, somehow, that I didn’t want to bring up what had happened between me and his brother, and Mikey seemed just as happy to pretend that the last few hours had never occurred.

“What’re we watching?” I asked, curious as to why he had hidden the DVD from my sight.
“You’ll see,” he winked, smirking as I made a face. “Oh, come on, you can wait a few minutes!”

“Why can’t you just tell me?” I moaned, looking over at Mikey, who was sat opposite us. “It’s a really awful film isn’t it? It’s some kind of lame ass joke, right?”

Mikey scoffed. “Dude, you’re so impatient.”

“I just don’t see why you have to be so mysterious about it, it drives me nuts!”

They both chuckled, Gerard pulling me closer in mock sympathy. “You’ll really like it, I promise. I chose it especially for you.”

“Argh, see, saying things like that only makes me more impatient,” I groaned, sitting up and looking around the room. “The DVD case has got to be around here somewhere, where did you put it?”

“Sit down!” Gerard laughed, pushing me back. “Look, the commercials are starting.”

Sure enough, the screen had turned bright, stinging my eyes a little in the dimly lit room. A commercial with obnoxious jingle music had started playing, with a young girl running alongside her mother, a small yogurt pot in her hands.

“These commercials never make any sense to me. Why would you be eating yogurt while you’re out jogging? Wouldn’t it just spill everywhere?” As I said it I watched the girl slow down, wipe her forehead with an over exaggerated “Phew!” and pull out a spoon from her pocket. “Ah, come on. She has a spoon in her pocket?”

“Don’t act like you don’t carry spoons around, dude,” Mikey laughed, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah, I mean, I always carry a spare spoon in case of spoon related emergencies,” Gerard joined in, clearly happy that I was distracted. “I mean, what if you’re walking along the road, minding your own business, and then suddenly you see a poor old woman struggling to eat her soup?”

“What?” I burst out, in a fit of laughter. “What would she be trying to do, scoop it up with her fingers?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of she accidently brought a fork, but whatever floats your boat, Frank.”

I wiped my eyes, clutching at my ribs. “Oh, stop it, you’re killing me!” I cried, without much consideration. I saw Mikey wince for a split second, and just as I was about to apologise for my bad choice of words, he interrupted, as though nothing had happened.

“Seriously though, Gerard, why do we have to watch the commercials? Where’s the remote?” He sat up, scanning the dark room. His hand fell on something I couldn’t see, but I assumed it was the remote from his triumphant smile. “Ah, here we go…”

“No!” Gerard sat up, knocking me sideways. He slapped the remote from Mikey’s hand, grabbing it and shoving it down his pants. “Ha! You can’t turn them off now!”

“What’re you, five?” Mikey smirked, moving hesitantly towards him, his hands outstretched. Gerard backed away playfully. “I’m not afraid to go down there you know. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

“Except you won’t be seeing it, you’ll be feeling it,” Gerard teased, and Mikey made a noise of disgust. “See? You’re such a liar, you weren’t gonna come get it.”

“Oh yeah?” Mikey asked, raising his eyebrows, daring him to come closer. “What if I asked my friend Frank to get it for me?” He looked over at me, smirking. “You don’t want to watch these crappy commercials, do you?”

“Well, no, but-”

“Then, come on, help me get it!”

I blushed but obeyed anyway, jumping up and playfully grabbed Gerard around the waist. He bent over, laughing, and put his hands in front of his crutch in protection. I grabbed his wrists and pulled as hard as I could, but fortunately for him I was much weaker than he was, and I knew he had sensed this as he turned around in one quick motion and sent me swinging around with him, clinging to dear life to his back.

“I’ll go down there!” I cried, grabbing uselessly onto his wrists once more. “Don’t think I won’t!”

“Oh, yeah?” He gasped through fits of laughter. “You’re not even strong enough to move my hands, motherfucker!”

“Oh, it’s on now! Mikey, help!” I yelled.

Mikey launched himself at us, landing heavily on the floor and grabbed both of Gerard’s legs together in his arms so that he couldn’t move. I took the opportunity to swing around to face the front of him, my legs wrapped still around his waist. I smirked and reached down to his belt buckle, which was now free of his hands, as he was trying to pull his trousers up from where Mikey was pulling on them. I undid them easily, but he turned his gaze upwards back towards me and he forgot about his trousers, which were now hanging so low you could see his underwear.

“Oh, no you don’t,” he muttered, a smile still present on his face.

He grabbed my waist and attempted push me away, but I kept my grip and pressed myself back up against him. He gave a small moan that only I caught, and I realised that I had an advantage I could use against him.

“Keep him pinned down,” I ordered Mikey, who was still struggling to hold him still.

“I’ll try,” he gasped, tightening his grip on Gerard’s struggling legs.
I turned back to Gerard and looked him in the eyes.

“I’ve discovered your weakness,” I winked, and with that, I thrust myself hard against his groin.
Gerard gave a gasp of surprise, nearly falling backwards from the force that I had hit him with. I smirked, and ordered for Mikey to make sure he didn’t fall over. Mikey gave a grunt that told me he had heard what I had said, so I grabbed his waist once more and drew back, ready to strike again.

“Don’t,” Gerard begged, but a small smirk was still on his face.

I shook my head, letting him know that these were my rules. I thrust against him again, even harder this time, and began thrusting even faster, creating a steady rhythm. He moaned and bit his lip, trying his hardest not to give in. I grinned, happy that my plan was working, and tugged at his already loose waistband, exposing his underwear completely so that his trousers hung just above his knees.

“Hurry, Frank, I can’t keep him down much longer,” Mikey begged, oblivious to what I was really doing. I shouted back a quick reply, and threw my hips forward with as much force as I could.

Gerard’s hands clung onto my back and began digging in, and his head fell forward helplessly onto my shoulder. I giggled into his back, my own moan escaping from my lips. I wondered how Mikey could possibly have not figured out what was happening, but I supposed to his ears it would sound like we were still wrestling.

“Do you want more, baby?” I whispered into his ear, teasingly.

“Oh, god,” he moaned, and I felt him shiver.

“Alright then, as you wish.”

I began throwing myself into him quickly, the friction becoming more intense than ever before. I sped up, and I felt him grow hard beneath me. I took the opportunity and pushed my hand into his underwear, grabbing him and pumping hard.

“Stop!” He cried, throwing his head back, his eyes closed. “Stop, stop, I’ll g-give you the remote, just ple-ease stop.”

I smirked and climbed off of him, and realised suddenly that we had just dry humped each other right next to Mikey. I felt hot and flustered, and it took me a few seconds to regain my breathe.

“You can let go now, Mikey,” Gerard sighed, and I realised that his hair was ruffled. I blushed, looking away from him as Mikey climbed to his feet, still grinning from the little wrestling match we were all meant to have endured.

“See, I knew we’d get you,” he clapped me on the back and then turned back to his brother. “Come on, hand it over.”

“Uh…” Gerard sent me a panicked look, and I realised with a jolt why.

“Look, he doesn’t need to hand it over, really, I mean, the commercials are over now anyway,” I gestured to the screen, which was now on the title page of the film. “Oh, hey! We’re watching Rocky? Sweet!”

“Yeah, I knew you loved it, and Mikey here’s never seen it…”

“What?” I gasped, swirling around to face Mikey.

“Whoa, hey!” He raised his arms. “It’s not a big deal!”

“Not a big deal? Are you kidding me, dude?”

“He’s right you know,” Gerard chipped in; clearly glad he hadn’t had to hand the remote over. “I always used to try and persuade you to watch it, but you were always so stubborn.”

“Why wouldn’t you want to watch it? It’s one of the best movies out there! You have no idea what you’re missing out on, dude, seriously…” I shook my head to further express my disbelief.

“I just wasn’t interested. That movie’s so overrated…”

“Dude, no, tell me you’re kidding.”

He went to reply but Gerard cut in. “Okay, while you two argue over this I’m gonna pop to the bathroom.”

“With the remote still down your pants?” Mikey questioned, raising his eyebrows.

Gerard chuckled. “I don’t want you to looking while I get it out.”

He left the room somewhat hurriedly, but Mikey didn’t seem to notice.

“I’m never touching that remote again,” he commented, throwing himself back into his spot on the couch. “He can buy a new one if he thinks I’m gonna touch it.”

I laughed, relaxing now. Mikey had no idea what had really happened, and he never would. I threw myself onto the couch and focused on the images on the screen. Rocky had always been my favourite movie since I was a kid, and the small child in me was squealing at the sight of the boxing gloves on the TV. I smiled, happy that at least one thing was going my way for once.

I picked up my bottle of coke from the dining table in front of me and took a sip to cool down my boiling cheeks.

“Hey, Frank,” Mikey said absentmindedly, playing with the DVD case. “I know you were fondling my brother back there.”

I spat the liquid from my mouth, sending it flying across the room. I wiped my chin, choking, and saw that Mikey was laughing. I raised my eyebrows in confusion. Why was he laughing about it? Shouldn’t he find it super creepy that his brother and his friend were dry humping each other right under his nose?

“Dude, chill,” he laughed, shaking his head as he watched me struggling to clear up the mess. “I’m not all thrilled that you had to do it with me in the room, or that you made me hold my own brother down while you groped him, but at least we won.” He grinned as I blinked at him, uncomprehending. “And hey, we had fun, didn’t we? Well, some more than others I guess.”

I felt the blood rush to my cheeks and at that moment Gerard walked in, noticeably without the remote.

“So,” he begun as he walked over to the TV to press play. “What’d I miss?”

“Oh, nothing,” Mikey smiled, sending me a wink. “I was just telling Frank never to hump you with me in the room again.”

But as Gerard threw the nearest object over at his youngest brother, I couldn’t help but noticed how happy they both looked.

This was how it should always have been.

Notes